Re – uploaded and added to Chapter One because I have a better idea of where this story's going to go, and changed the title since it fit a bit better. Get it? Nobody's Princess. Because, you know, Xigbar and Zexion are Nobodies, and Zex isn't anyone's princess. . .yeah.

Changed years and ages so it'd fit better.

OH GOD THIS IDEA IS SO OLD. |V If I remember correctly, this idea came about from this hilariously creepy idea between me and Predatress over a year ago. . .only with Luxord and Xaldin. Somehow it morphed into this, though I'm only now writing it down. I hope you enjoy; this was written mostly for my amusement, partly to make you laugh, and partly to give the KH fandom more crack.

Title: Nobody's Princess
Warnings: Uh. . .crack, if you couldn't tell by the summary. . .
Summary: Prince Xigbar just wanted to rescue a kidnapped princess from a sorcerer and a giant to get his brother off his back. Only, it doesn't go as planned. . .for starters, the princess isn't exactly a princess. . .and 'she' wasn't looking for a rescue. Oh, boy. AU!Xigion Crack.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.

"Ian! Ian? Where are you?"

An elegant looking woman glided through the hallways of an aristocratic castle, a frown etched on her face. She stepped up to a large wooden door, knocking on it harshly. "Ienzo! Open up this instant! I need to talk to you!"

She paused, arms on her hips as she waited for a reply. As the seconds passed and still no answer, she glared at the door, childishly stomping her foot. "Ienzo! This must end! You cannot hide in your room with your books forever!"

The woman paused again, and still got silence. Mind made up, she placed her hand on the doorknob and pushed. "Ienzo, you are the prince of Hollow Bastion, and you must learn to be one and not play with your silly spells—"

As the door was fully opened, the woman could see that the room was void of life; the bed was crisp and unused; the desk clear of papers; and the wind blew through the open window, fluttering the curtains framing the glass.

The woman's eyes widened in shock and horror, jaw dropping as she fruitlessly searched the empty room. "Ienzo! Ienzy? Ian!"

Still in shock, she backed up through the door, before swiveling on her heel and running down he hall. "Help! Help! Ienzo is gone!"

Later, when questioned, the townsfolk would mention they had seen a small figure leave the town with two others; a rumored sorceror and a giant. . .

Ten years later. . .

Prince Xigbar really, really, really hated his life right now. For the moment, however, he could pretend to be listening to the person in front of him while thinking of being anywhere but here.

"I do hope you realize that pretending that I am not here will not make me go away. In fact, I'd be more inclined to stay until you actually listen to me."

Well, crap. Sighing dramatically, Xigbar draped himself over the back of his chair, glaring with one eye at the scarred, blue – haired man in front of him. "Shouldn't you be, I dunno, sexing up my brother or something instead of bugging me?"

"Your brother, the King, is currently meeting with His Majesty of Disney Land, King Mickey. In view of that, I cannot, as you put it, 'sex him up' for the moment," Saix deadpanned, meeting his brother – in – law's stare with one of his own. Before long, the one eyed prince looked away in mild disappointment, and Saix let himself have a moment of smug satisfaction for winning.

"Oh, right. I forgot," Now that Xigbar thought about it, Xemnas HAD been talking about meeting with him the past week. . .was he supposed to have gone with him? Oops. "So,. . .what're we talking about again?"

"The fact that you need a wife, Prince. Or at least someone to keep you entertained so you can stop bothering the servants."

"I'm not bothering them! They like me!"

"Demyx doesn't count. He likes everyone, so your point is moot. I was thinking more along the lines of Marluxia and Larxene."

"But they don't like anyone, so your point is moot! Ha!"

Saix resisted the urge to face palm. Though his love's brother was older than his sibling, he definitely wasn't more mature. No wonder their father—may King Ansem rest in peace—gave the Kingdom to Xemnas. "Nevertheless, your brother ordered me to, at the very least, help you find a bride. If not, he—"

"He'll make you sleep in another room?"

"He'll force you to get married, with the woman or man of his choice. I do believe he was looking at the Princess—ah, excuse me, President Vanellope von Schweetz. . ."

WHAT? Oh, there was no way he would get married to her, if only because the monarch was nine years old. As much as he liked kids, he didn't like them like that, and even if it was tradition in some kingdoms to engage their offspring when they could, he wasn't going to be one of them. Not to mention the fact that her self proclaimed bodyguards and adoptive family were overprotective. . . "Okay, okay, no need for such threats. What're my choices?"

"A princess that went missing nearly ten years ago, and thought to have been hypnotized by a rumored sorcerer and a giant. . .any particular reason you picked this one, Xigbar?"

"Cause there aren't many princesses left in the kingdoms," Xigbar grumbled, tugging on his horse's saddle to tighten it. "They're all already engaged to another prince, or there's some ridiculous quest I'd have to take to marry them. . .this princess's parents said that if I found her, I'd get to marry her without having to do anything else."

"I see," his best friend, and guard, and babysitter Xaldin replied, as he adjusted the six spears attached firmly to his back so they didn't stab the poor horse when he got on. "So, do you have any idea where to start, or did you just choose this so you could get out of actually picking a bride?"

Xigbar shrugged. "Well, the sorcerer and giant was surprisingly good at covering their tracks," he said, lazily waving a finger in the air, "But recently there's been talk of an abandoned tower to the west in the forest that's been lighting up at random times in the night, and possibly in the day. There've also been word of a strange hooded boy and a blonde man that's been coming into town every other week or so. No one knows who they are, as they don't stop to talk to anyone."

"And you think that they're connected to the revived tower activity?"

"Yeah. The things they buy are usually potions ingredients, and food to feed maybe five and a half men. Plus, someone was able to track them after one visit to the forest, before they lost sight of them."

"You're strangely knowledgeable when it comes to what happens in your town."

"Eh, it's all Axel, really. He's dating the daughter of one of the seamstresses—you know the one with the three sisters that look alike? One of them dating the son of the merchants that all look alike too, with the twins?—and he gives me the latest gossip on what's happening."

"Latest gossip—you sound like a teenage girl. So, what will you do if they are the people we're looking for?"

"Come back, regroup, and then charge."

"Hm, what an excellent plan. For once. At least this won't be a repeat of the last time you just went head on without a plan."

"Hey! How was I supposed to know that chick had a sword?!"

"It was strapped to her back, idiot. Even with your lack of depth perception you should've been able to see it, especially since it was just as big as she was."