It had been a month since he left. I don't blame him for leaving, he shot a young girl. Even though IAB cleared him they had ordered him anger management classes and started sutinizing the rest of the squad and this didn't sit right with him. Coming to work every day since has become a chore, I call him, text him email him but get nothing in response, I keep hoping that I will walk into the precinct and that he will be sitting at his desk.

When Cragen told me that he wasn't coming back my heart literally broke, he was my rock, my stability, my family, I was in love with this man, he was the only one that broke down my walls, he was the longest relationship I had ever had with a man. Then Cragen goes and hires two newbies and expects that I will just let him go and start training these newbies.

I can't focus at work, I second guess myself , doubt my abilities, Casey and I are fighting and I don't trust either of the newbies as my partner. Fin has been so understanding, even though they had their differences he understood our relationship, Fin has always been like a big brother to me but even that isn't enough for me to want to keep working at special victims.

Maybe he didn't value our friendship as much as I thought he did. Maybe I misread his over protectiveness as something more, maybe we weren't as close as I thought we were. I know I am being silly but twelve years of partnership, for better or worse as he had once said. He had my back I had his. We always backed each other's play and supported each other through good times and bad. Though our relationship was not perfect it over came many hurdles - the gatino case and me leaving for Oregon being one of the biggest things. I ran then because he was recently separated and our flirting and feelings that we had been trying to deny had bubbled to the surface and we both chose each other over the job and would do it again in a heartbeat and that scared the daylights out of me. But when I returned we slipped back into our rhythm, he returned home because he had gotten his wife pregnant and I gained partial custody of Calvin. He was there to help me deal with the loss when Vivian took Calvin back. I just miss him and the way that he could read me and tell instantly what I wanted and whether I need to talk or just be left alone.

Reflecting back over the many years of our partnership I wonder how I would have survived if it weren't for him and he just up and leaves without a word or a goodbye and I am left to clean out his desk and pick up the pieces of my life and attempt to just forget him and move on. How am I expected do that? How do begin to move on when my stability, my whole world is in tatters ?

There was only one person who made me believe that I was actually worth something and made me realise that I was stronger than I thought but little did he know that I drew my strength and confidence from him and his belief and supportiveness.

The transfer papers have been sitting in my desk for over a month now, special victims isn't the same without him, so I am transferring to computer crimes though the fed's are trying to recruit me as an undercover agent- maybe that wouldn't be such a bad idea to just get away and pretend to be someone I'm not for a while. I haven't handed the papers to Cragen yet part of me still expectes him to walk into the precinct like nothing ever happened.

My phone buzzed taking me out of my thoughts.

"I know I left without saying a word and you didn't deserve that especially not from me. You deserve the world and more. I am sorry that I let you down and I got all of your messages. I just needed some time to work through some of my issues. I have worked out majority of them though I am not willing to return to work at special victims I did come to one realization. I want you in my life as more than a best friend and partner. You have seen me at my worst and helped me rebuild and for that I am eternally grateful. If you would be willing to meet me for a drink then I will explain everything."

-El