"Ouch! Far out, Alan!" Phil yelled as he clenched his hip. Alan just ran into and tripped over him.
"Would you stop fucking shouting? I have a major headache" I moaned as I rolled over to face Phil.
"Oh sorry Dems" Phil whispered.
Wait a minute.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up" I said as I sat up slowly.
I was lying in Phil's bed. I was lying in Phil's bed.
I looked at him, "Phil, what did you do?"
"I didn't do anything!" Phil denied.
"What did you do!" I said pushing on his shoulders, seeing as though he was shirtless.
"I swear I didn't fucking do anything Dems, relax!" Phil yelled.
"And why are you wearing my shirt!"
I looked down. I was wearing Phil's black cotton button up shirt. What the hell happened last night?
"...why are you wearing my shirt?" he asked again in a more sly tone with a grin.
"Phil shut up, nothing happened. At least I think not." I said trying to brush off the slight possibility that we may have had another incident like we did that summer.
"Are you at least wearing a bra under that?" Phil asked calmly.
Thank the Lord at least I had my bra on.
"Yes Phil, to answer your unnecessary question, I am" I said as I shook my head.
"It'd be totally fine if you weren't though. I'd actually prefer it-"
"Give it a rest, Phil" I laughed.
"Are you two finished with your love fest!" Alan screamed.
"There was no love fest and gees man put some pants on" Phil complained while covering his eyes.
"There's more important things happening right now! There's a tiger in the bathroom!" cried Alan.
"Haha, that's what I used to call my dick" Phil laughed.
"No seriously, there's a jungle cat in the bathroom!"
"Alright, alright, chill! I'll check it out!" Phil assured Alan as he got up to heroically check the bathroom. As if there was a tiger in there anyway.
"Holy shit, he's not kidding dude, there's a tiger in there!"
"No way" I said in disbelief.
"You guys, am I missing a tooth?" A numb-mouthed Stu asked.
We leaned in to check and we burst out laughing at Stu's toothless grin. He's going to flip out when he sees that. He lifted a silver platter to his face to mirror his reflection.
"Oh my gosh! My lateral incisor! It's gone!" Stu cried as he shook Phil "MY LATERAL INCISOR IS GONE!"
"Dude, chill out, everything will be fine. Just calm down" Phil tried to ease Stu's heavy breathing.
"Alan can you wake up Doug? And put some pants on, I feel weird having to ask twice."
"Ugh, pants at a time like this!" Alan cried.
"What am I meant to tell Melissa? I've lost a tooth, I have no idea how. Plus look at how trashed this place is. They have my credit card downstairs. I'm so screwed!" Stu panicked.
"Listen, just calm down. At least we're alive" I said.
"Hey guys, Doug's not in his room" said Alan, confused.
"Have you checked all the rooms?" asked Phil.
"Yeah I checked everywhere, plus his mattress is gone" laughed Alan.
"Whatever, he probably went to the pool to get something to eat. I'll call his cell." Phil said as he dialled Doug's number.
"I look like a nerdy hillbilly!" Stu cried as we awaited Doug to answer the call, I giggled.
When we heard Doug's ringtone blast through the room we knew something was up. He took his phone with him everywhere.
Being the loser that he is, Alan answered the phone.
"Oh hey Ph-... This is Doug's phone"
Where's Doug? Why is there a tiger in the bathroom? Why is Stu missing a tooth? Why was I in Phil's bed? That's when I heard the cry of a baby which put another question in my mind which Stu spoke aloud.
"What the fuck is that?"
The five of us walked to the door and when we opened it, the face of an innocent baby looked up at us.
"Who's fucking baby is that!" Phil sighed annoyed.
"Alan, are you sure you didn't see anybody else in the suite?" asked Stu.
"I checked all the rooms. No one's here. Check it's collar or something" Alan offered.
"We don't have time for this. Let's just hook up with Doug and we'll deal with the baby later" said Phil, looking pissed off.
I couldn't believe he wanted to leave a baby outside a hotel room.
"Dude we're not gonna leave a baby in the room there's a fucking tiger in the bathroom!" Stu reminded him.
"It's not our baby!"
"I'm with Stu on this one, Phil" Alan said, and he rarely disagreed with his idol Phil.
"Would you leave your kid here? Seriously?" I said.
"Alright fine, we'll take it with us. Alan, please, at least, just find some pants" pleaded Phil. Well Alan's need of pants is one thing we all can agree on.
On the elevator ride down to the pools nobody said a word. We all just listened to Stu whinge about his problems and what was going on. Could he shut up? This was happening to all of us, not just him.
"Why can't we remember a thing from last night?" asked Stu.
"We obviously had a great fucking time" Phil suggested. "Why don't you just stop worrying for one minute? Be proud of yourself"
"I don't know Phil. Maybe it's because I'm missing a tooth. Or maybe it's because there's a tiger in our hotel room which incidentally is completely destroyed. Oh no, wait wait, I know! Maybe it's because we found a baby – a human baby. That's it, that's it. It's because we found a fucking baby!" Stu shrieked.
"I don't think you should curse around the child" Alan said, offended.
"Really? I don't think you should even be around a child"
When the elevator doors opened, an elderly woman entered. From the sight of us she must have been shocked.
"Oh how cute!" The woman said about the missing child "What's his name?"
After a long pause I offered "Maurice" then Phil said "Ben" then Alan finished with "Carlos"
"Maurice Ben-carlos. He's Hispanic" I offered.
"No" Alan said turning to face me "It's Carlos"
The lady looked away, seeming confused. She may have been confused about the name, we were more confused about how the hell this baby landed on our doorstep.