What if i told you that i got everything i ever wanted? just like i knew i would. And what if i told you that not one second of it made any bit of difference? We were seventeen and in love. Hot, wet nights followed by hot, wet days. My skin did nothing but crawl with anticipation, his skin was there for me to emerge myself in, i lost myself in his skin more times then i'll ever want to remember.
The tragic truth of life is that you want something until you have it, until you've conquered it and then we must move on to conquer something new, something unfamiliar.
There is nothing more familiar to me than him. He has been the singular constant thing in my life and for that reason the love will remain but the want is long gone. The only thing i want in reguards to him is to not want him to be with another, to love another. He must love only me, he must want only me.
We married at 23, young i know. The wedding was a ridiculous parade of people we both hated, people we both fucked. It was my greatest victory, as his. Aside from victory it was honest love, maybe that's the saddest part of all.
I find myself in a schoolboys bedroom at 12 in the afternoon. I've found myself in a million bedrooms exactly like this on a million seperate occasions since the day i became somebodys wife. Perhaps that is the heart of the problem. Perhaps i wasn't meant to be anybody's wife.
Im wearing a varsity jacket while chain smoking menthols, there's nothing funnier than the sight of a 44 year old woman wearing a kids letterman jacket. He's at my feet telling me how nobody understands him like i do, that he loves me. 10 years ago i would have ripped this kids heart out and fed it to him but i've softened in my old age and just smile and nod. I'll go home to my husband and he'll send me suicidal texts begging me to go see him because his mom is working late.
You see i was a cold and nasty girl who never quite grew up. I've never been satisfied with anything in my entire life, constantly searching for something better even though i know there is nothing better. He is the best thing that there is and ever will be. Full of love and lust for me reguardless of how much time has passed, he wants me just as much as he did when we were diseased perverted children. He wants me more than he has ever wanted anything.
And me?...i don't want anyone else to have him. So i keep him there up on my shelf, the prized trophy husband...while i blow highschoolers, doctors, lawers, criminals. We have been married for 22 years and i was not faithful for one second of it. I could lie and say that i tried but what's the point in lying? I did it and i got away with it just like i always will.
It's a case of wanting my cake and eating it too...but i want everybody's cake. I should just let him go, i know that, but i'd rather him be miserable with me then be happy with someone else. I never claimed to be a good person.
I'm constantly hungry, constantly starved. Inside of me there is an endless ache that craves something. I thought it was for him but i've had him for all this time and i'm still hungry...I will have my cake...and i will eat it all.