A/N: While I was looking for Gamzee videos on Youtube, I came across Hansel's death scene. Curious, I decided to look up Black Lagoon videos, mostly ones involving Hansel and Gretel. I didn't like their deaths. At all. So I decided to make this fic.

Balalaika rested her forehead on her hand. It was the hardest part of her day: the daily review of Hansel and Gretel. Instead of killing them, she decided to recruit them into her ranks to replace the lost comrades. She did not like the decision, but after hearing of their f-ed up childhood, she decided to take them in. Their efficiency easily made up for the losses, but there were of course problems, which is why the daily review was put in place. She needed to hear whatever unnecessary crimes they did, and there were a lot of them.

"Alright." said Balalaika. She looked up into the faces of Hansel and Gretel, who were both covered in blood. "Tell me. What the hell did you two do today."

"Alright then 'mother'." said Hansel with a smile. Balalaika cringed. She did not like it when they called her that. "When we woke up in the morning, we went to the restaurant that was owned by you. We polietely asked the man there if we could have free food, seeing as we're official Hotel Moscow members."

"Yes, but he refused." said Gretel calmly. She then smiled. "So we killed a random customer and borrowed his breakfast." Balalaika stared at her.

"...At least you did not kill anyone else. Now, what did you do afterwards?" she asked. Hansel gave her a thoughtful look.

"We went to hunt down a rival gang." said Hansel. Balalaika nodded. A local gang had been terrorizing Hotel Moscow for some time, but it seems that those two managed to take care of it. "You should have seen them screaming. The blood flowed from their wounds, bringing color to their bland base. I decided to have a taste of some blood so-"

"I don't need to hear that." she interrupted. "How many?"

"How many what?" answered Gretel.

"How many innocent people got in the way?"

"...At least 6, but they were probably in league with them anyway." said Gretel.

"Probably not considering that they were hostages."

"Oh right." Balalaika twitched her eye due to hearing this psycho talk.

"...And after that?"

"We found out that one of the gang member's had a son, so we went to his house for a little playtime." said Hansel. Balalaika tried to keep her stoic face.

"Oh god.."

"Don't worry, it was with actual toys and everything." said Gretel.

"Oh good."

"...And then we sort of made out with him." added Hansel. Balalaika closed her eyes, clearly angry.

"Dear lord. You two are too young to be doing these things." she said in a frustrated tone.

"At first he resisted, but he calmed down after I gave him a blow-" stated Gretel. The adult covered the child's mouth.

"Stop. I don't want to hear it. Just what did you do to him afterwards?"

"We dropped him off at his home... after we stabbed him several times. His blood was delicious." said Hansel. Before Balalaika could say anything, he added, "He's alive." Balalaika tried to relax.

"Okay. Now will you kindly explain why you two are covered in blood?" she yelled. The twins looked at each other.

"We... saw someone pickpocketing an old lady. So we killed him." said Hansel.


"...and we accidently killed the old lady too."

"God damn it."

"So while we were at it, we decided to slaughter everyone else on the street." said Gretel plainly. "Then we came back for your daily review." Balalaika glared them down.

"...You two, what have I said about repressing your genocidal urges?"

"...Only direct it at enemies?" they both answered.

"Correct. And what have I said about underage sex?"

"...It's fun?"

"...No. That's not what I said. I said that it's just plain wrong. Look, I know how traumatic your lives were, but that does not mean you could simply kill people left and right and make love whenever you please." The twins stared at her, unaffected by her comments, "I took you guys in instead of killing you. The very least you could do is restrict your body count to, I don't know, 5?"

"10." said Hansel.


"7." said Gretel. Balalaika sighed.

"Fine. 7. Whatever keeps you two from overkilling everything in sight." sighed Balalaika. "Your review is over. Get out."

"...Can brother and I still have underage se-"

"Just go." said Balalaika, pointing at the door. Hansel and Gretel left, having seemingly learned nothing. Balalaika sighed, wondering if it was better to have killed them.