Secretly In Secret

I'm wrapped up in my navy blue comforter as I hear the creak of a door and the light footsteps of Lukas. My eyes crack open and I see the tiny sliver of light pushing its way into the room. His clothes are shed and new ones take their place. He takes an absence as he walks to the room next door. I know what he's doing, but I try not to think about it for it might shatter my heart. A few hours pass and I can still hear the gasps and breathy moans echoing in my ears as Lukas hurriedly tip toes back into our room. Cool air rushes to me as he lifts the covers and climbs in. I look at him, his blonde hair spread about his pillow and his long, thick eyelashes lay daintily on his cheeks as he drifts off to sleep.

"Góða nótt, stóri bróðir." I whisper hoarsely, breathlessly.

He flops onto his side and wraps his arm around me, tugging me into his chest. His warmth engulfs me and I feel my throat tighten up as his legs tangle into mine.

"God natt, lillebror." He sighs and his breath sweeps against my forehead.

I lay there, trying to hold myself together. We're brothers for God's sake. Why do I feel like this? Why does he want that brute instead of me? He constantly pushes him away and insults him like crazy. He should hate him. What, does Mathias just take it and pretend like everything's okay? He has to feel some anger, some pain! How can he stand it? Lukas and I have similar interests, personalities, needs, desires. He never insults me. He raised me and cared for me. Lukas and I are perfect for each other. I can still remember when he used to read me goodnight stories. He'd run his fingers along my back and sing me a lullaby until I fell asleep. With every new thought popping its way into my head, another shot of pain stabbed my heart. Why? Why me?

I held my breath, trying to stop the shaking and trying to calm my nerves. Trying to piece my sanity back together. My head throbbed and my heart was wrenched into a wad of mush. I took a deep breath, smelling Lukas's scent. Cool, minty, inviting. That only caused more memories of me and him to rush forth. I clenched my hand into his shirt and squeezed my eyes shut. Why does it have to be this way? All those warm, happy memories. Who knew that they would cause me so much pain? I swallowed, warm tears welling up in my eyes.

"Jeg elsker deg, Emil. Jeg elsker deg så mye, og glemme aldri det," he whispered, and kissed my forehead. "Mathias vil aldri erstatte deg. Jeg vil aldri elsker ham mer enn jeg elsker deg."

The tears spilled over, making damp, depressing sounds as they hit the sheets. I let out a small sob. I let the tears flow. I cherished the throbbing in my head and the lump in my throat. The knot in my stomach and the shattering pain in my heart. That may be true, but you'll never love me the way

I love you.