Disclaimer: If I owned Merlin, Uther would have keeled over and died by now. Even though I love him more than a goblin loves gold xD

A/N: Because Gwaine is deliciously sexy and Morgana is deliciously evil. And though I don't have a reasonable explanation as to why…well, look over that tiny detail and enjoy this sexy oneshot in which they (sorta) try to kill each other. Oh, and I haven't seen Season 4 cos it supposedly doesn't air in the U.S. until 2012 (CURSE YOU, BBC!) so disregard any, you know, season 4 facts that may or may not be relevant to what the Hoth is happening at the moment. I don't think we'll have a problem with that, but whatever.

-/-

"I felt wind on that one!" Gwaine called appraisingly over the loud clanging of steel on steel that reverberated powerfully around the chamber. He had just ducked his head, causing Morgana's sword to sail harmlessly above him.

She merely growled angrily at his taunting, jabbing her sword at his chest. The knight happily sidestepped it and parried the thrust with another laugh.

"Really, I expected you to be much worse!" he continued with a cheeky grin as he retreated further across the floor, causing her to grit out a furious sound of indignation as she followed, her sword slicing wildly through the air as she screamed for blood. "The way Arthur went on and on about how awful you were—" he suddenly swore viciously and she grinned like a Cheshire in triumph as he pulled his arm back. Her sword had sliced clean through his chainmail; the cut on his arm was quickly releasing a considerable amount of blood.

"Ow," he finally said, looking comically affronted that she'd even dare to wound him.

He readjusted the grip he had on his sword handle and as swift as a thrown dagger he rammed it against her shield, causing her to stumble back at the surprising force.

Gwaine wasn't quite done with the game, but it was a reminder that he wasn't just flirting. He did mean business.

"The name's Gwaine, by the way," he told her, slamming his sword against her shield again and forcing her to take another step back, wincing as it jarred her arm.

"I didn't ask!" she hissed, crouching slightly and narrowing her eyes like a panther.

"I just thought you'd like to know," Gwaine replied with a good natured shrug as he parried another one of her sword thrusts. "You seem so intent on parting my head from my shoulders, after all."

"We understand each other, then!"

"I suppose we do," he said, nodding thoughtfully. He twisted around and with an incomprehensible shout knocked her sword right out of her hand.

It clattered to the ground a few feet away from them, and Morgana was so stunned she stamped to attention and stared at him in shock. Gwaine smirked.

"Seems you've found yourself in a bit of a pickle, milady."

"Not quite, you idiot."

And before he could do anything, her eyes had flashed gold and he was blasted right off his feet where he landed in an inglorious heap upon the flagstones.

Morgana collected her sword and marched forward, stomping her foot down on his chest to keep him from getting up again.

"Seems you've found yourself in a bit of a pickle," she hissed, snapping the tip of her sword to his chin.

He smiled up at her lazily, completely ignoring the fact that she could easily skewer him right then and there. "It would seem I have, milady. Though I must say, the view is quite nice."

"What—?" she glanced down and scoffed in disbelief, rolling her eyes when she figured out what view, exactly, he was enjoying so much. "You call yourself a knight?"

"It's just a title, really."

Before Morgana could say something equally snarky the doors crashed open and Merlin charged in.

"Merlin!" Gwaine cried out in greeting as he caught sight of the young servant. "Impeccable timing, my friend! As usual!"

Merlin held up a finger before doubling over to clutch his knees, taking several deep and ragged breaths. He looked as winded as if he had run all the way to Cenred's kingdom and back.

"One—moment—!" he gasped, massaging his ribs.

Morgana rolled her eyes impatiently and returned her attention to Gwaine, who grinned innocently up at her, though this time he smile was a bit faint as he glanced once more at Merlin.

Laughing a bit uneasily, he hissed "Merlin!" through his teeth warningly, his fingers discretely stretching for his sword that lay abandoned a few feet away.

Morgana smirked, knowing she had won as she again pressed her sword threateningly to his gulping throat.

He really was in a pickle with this one.

Still a nice view, though.

"Has anyone ever told you you're beautiful?" he tried desperately.

"Yes," she replied easily, not looking amused as she gazed down at his face in anticipation of watching the life drain from his eyes.

"Meeerliiin!" he complained, flaying wildly. If only he could reach his sword

"Yeah? What?" Merlin suddenly asked, popping up out of nowhere from behind Morgana's shoulder, looking obliviously innocent. She started and spun around, swiping at his head, but Merlin had already ducked and stumbled ungracefully to the floor, giving Gwaine the time he needed to roll over and scoop up his own sword.

"Looks like we're back to square one!" Gwaine announced brightly, bringing his sword around to point at Morgana. "I think I've proven to be quite the distraction, what with all my charms and good looks—"

She let out a furious shriek and charged, her sword swinging so wide that Merlin had to dive out of the way so he wouldn't get an arm or leg chopped off.

Gwaine let out a low, appreciative whistle as they resumed their fight. "You really are quite beautiful."

"Shut up!"

"I'm paying you a compliment!"

"I don't care!"

He laughed at her, jumping as she swiped at his feet. "Touchy, are we?"

Merlin, meanwhile, was doing who-knows-what with that magical whatzit Morgana was using to destroy Camelot with this time around.

"After this, would you fancy getting some dinner?" Gwaine asked her conversationally, clearly unconcerned with her expression of pure loathing and her screams of bloodlust as she tried to dismember him. "We could go down to the tavern—"

"You won't—live to see—your bloody tavernEVER AGAIN!"

"Now, is that any way a young lady should talk?"

Gwaine was having so much fun it should be criminal.

"Hold her off a while longer, Gwaine!" Merlin shouted from somewhere behind him. "I'm almost finished!"

With what, Gwaine didn't even bother to ask as he tried to keep the frenzied sorceress at bay.

She hissed something under her breath, causing the gold to flash across her eyes again, and Gwaine suddenly shouted out in pain and dropped his sword, the handle having scalded his palms raw.

"Ah…Merlin?" he called out warningly, lifting his throbbing hands up as if to ward off the fuming Morgana as she advanced forward to get to Merlin, who was frantically slamming some sort of crystal against the pedestal, obviously trying to smash it.

"I'm trying!" he snapped, sounding panicked. "Just keep her away! We can't let her escape with the crystal of—"

The crystal of what, exactly, Gwaine didn't care as he shrugged and lunged forward, tackling Morgana right off her feet and pinning her to the floor.

"Get off of me!" she shouted, kicking and punching at every inch of him she could reach. Several loud bongs echoed around them as she punched at his armor, and Gwaine tried to do what he could to protect his face from her wrath.

"Merlin, hurry up! As enjoyable as wrestling with Morgana is, I'd rather keep my face intact, thank you very much!"

Something exploded behind them and the entire chamber lit up like a firework, blinding them all, and the next thing Gwaine knew Morgana had shrieked angrily and blasted him away from her.

Once the light had faded and Morgana's shriek had become a distant, echoing wail, Gwaine blinked and found Merlin—who was covered in soot— sitting amidst a pile of crystal shards.

"I take it you destroyed the crystal of whatchamacallit, then?" the knight asked.

The servant boy nodded, looking completely unfazed with the events that had just transpired as he got to his feet.

"All in a day's work," Merlin commented with a quirky smile.

Gwaine grinned a bit dazedly himself and threw an arm over Merlin's shoulders, laughing faintly as they left the chamber, completely unsurprised with Morgana's sudden absence. "She is…quite the spitfire," he said wistfully.

"Who? Morgana?" Merlin raised an eyebrow at him.

"No, that random girl from the tavern," Gwaine responded, before smacking Merlin on the back of the head. "Of course Morgana."

Merlin glanced over his shoulder, looking back in the direction of the chamber. He looked back at Gwaine. "Ehhh," he said unhelpfully. "She's sort of evil and wants to kill us all, but if you go for girls like that…" he trailed off even more unhelpfully.

Gwaine shook his hand and grinned some more. "What can I say? I like a challenge."

-/-

E/N: I get the distinct feeling that everyone was just a tad bit embarrassingly OOC, especially Morgana who did a lot of shrieking and whatnot, so I apologize for that. Quite the noob mistake on my part, really hits me where it hurts. But review anyway if you think Gwaine is hot. Heck, review if you don't. Just review like ze wind! ZEEE WIND! Free Gaius action figures for all who do! Possibly.