"Fanmail Frenzy"

Rated T for Crude Humor, Sexuality, and Language

Disclaimer: Finally out of hiatus! Oh, and my apologies if I don't get your letters.


Justin: We are back for more "Fanmail Frenzy" and those are you watching thinking that the world should have ended, thank goodness. To the freaky preacher guy who looks like what seems to be the Cryptkeeper from "Tales From The Crypt", God is pissed off at you. With that said in mind...let's get to the letters. Heather, what do we have in mind?

Heather: Nothing Justin, just us sitting in these plastic chairs. This steel chair is making my ass cramp up here...

Justin: How unusual. Send us our first letter.

Heather is unexpectedly shocked as electrical volts are being felt from her body. Justin is surprised at this occurence.

Justin: Heather, what happened?

Heather: (still struggling to get back up) Oh, I decided to shock our balls or cooch to this letter machine to see which letter is ours. Like for example, this first letter indicates that it's mine. So know that my vagina is redder than a mad bull on juice.

Justin: (shocked) Fair enough.

Heather: Okay, Jason Myers from SeanConneryville, New Jersey and he writes...

Dear Heather.

I dare you to shave Courtney's head.

Best wishes, Jason Myers.

Heather: Shave Courtney's head off, huh? I think I can do you one better.

Courtney: Ha. There's no way you're removing something precious like my hair.

Heather then starts to make weird hand motions close to Courtney's face.

Courtney: What are you doing?

Heather: Just watch...

As Heather snaps his fingers, Courtney's hair is magically gone just like that, rending her bald. As Courtney looks right at the mirror, she freaks out.

Courtney: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WHAT IN THE BLUE HELL HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY HAIR!

Heather: Movie magic, Courtney. You should know that!

Courtney: You bitch!

Heather: Thank you very much.

Heather then tosses Courtney's hair right to Justin, who displays it on the camera for all to see.

Justin: Here you go, Jason. Her hair will be waiting in the mail for you.

Justin then puts the rest of Courtney's hair in a package and sends it away.

Justin: Next letter, please?

Volts of electricity start to shock Justin's balls out of control. Justin then lets out a nut-crunching scream.

Justin: (screaming) HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLY F*********************CK!

Justin tries so desperately to recover from the minor shock that he is now suffering.

Justin: (struggling) That...must...mean...that it's for me. (gets himself back up) This one's also for Jason Myers and he writes...

Dear Justin,

How do you deal with fangirls stalking you everywhere?

Thanks, Jason Myers

Justin: No kidding...I deal with fangirls all the time. I don't know why I do, but the last time one got near me, I was overexhausted...

Geoff: I thought it was Heather dressed on a blonde wig, and gave you a round-the world and a all around 69. I oughta know since you installed a camera in your trailer. Man, were you getting some!

Audience: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

Justin: You really had to pick a the good time to bring that up, huh?

Geoff: Eh, it helps.

Justin: Okay, let's go to another letter please. And it's from...

The volts of electricity soon begin to shock D.J. incompletely. Indicating that the next letter is for him. D.J.'s nads are turned blood red because of this.

D.J.: (screaming) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! FRICKIN' SON OF A BITCH!

Meanwhile, D.J.'s momma is heard from the audience.

D.J.'s Momma: (alarmed) Poopydoo, that language is not acceptable!

D.J.: (almost about to cry) But my balls hurt! AAAAAAH!

D.J.'s Momma: Just quit crying and read the letter, poopydoo!

D.J.: (still trying not to cry) Ok... (wipes a tear) Okay, this letter comes from Bartley Baker at InYourFace, Nevada and she writes...

Dear DJ,

Who is the hottest girl (in your opinion) in Total Drama and what do you like about her?

Sincerely, Bartley Baker

Audience: WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

D.J. is remained speechless for a minute because of this question, but manages to shake himself through.

D.J.: (tensely) Ok... I think the hottest girl in my point of view... (takes a breath) ...is Katie.

Katie hears this and looks just a bit surprised and stunned to say the least.

D.J.: The reason I chose Katie is because she smells like bubblegum whenever I'm near her, she's always so sweet to animals like me, and I think that in most cases that she is my perfect match for me altogether...

Audience: (touched) AWWWWWW...

Katie: (crying with tears of joy) Awwwwww, D.J... that is so sweet... give me a hug...

Katie gets out of her seat and decides to hug D.J. in a warm tender embrace as the entire audience Aww's at this spectacle. Owen however is seen bawling and crying like a little bitch, for no apparent reason. Cody feels a bit disturbed.

Cody: (to Owen) Why are you crying?

Owen: (crying) WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I just love happy endings like this!

Justin: Okay, now that the moment's over...

Justin then sees D.J. and Katie taking their seats, but to only have Katie sitting on D.J.'s lap and just flirting with each other sweetly.

Justin: ...well, for them perhaps, let's go to another letter.

Seconds later, the volts of electricity now go straight to Cody's balls. Cody soon feels it and let's out a roaring, Steve Carell-like scream ala The 40-Year Old Virgin.

Cody: (screaming) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH JIM CAVIEZEL!

Cody then falls with a thud to the floor as his balls are now burnt like bacon cooked from the pits of Mount Fuji.

Cody: (struggling to get back up) Damn it... I knew this was a bad idea to begin with... Okay, the next letter is from Caitlyn Dune and she writes to me.

Dear Cody,

Other than Gwen, who do you think is the most attractive girl on the show?

Sincerely, Caitlyn Dune

Cody then tries to answer, but is soon cut off by Sierra who is just begging on her knees just like a cute little puppy, hoping Cody to say her name so that she would just become giddy.

Cody: (sighs defeatedly) Oh, I give up... I choose Sierra...

Sierra: (acting giddy) YAY! CODY LIKES ME! I KNEW IT! THERE IS A GOD ON MY SIDE AND HE LIKES ME! I KNEW HOPE COULDN'T LET ME DOWN!

Sierra then comes out of her seat and hugs Cody aggressively, therefore trapping Cody in a very huge bearhug. Cody could hear his bones crunch due to the pressure that Sierra is taking on him.

Cody: (struggling to break out of the hug) I... can't breathe one damn bit... need oxygen to keep me alive...

Sierra: Nonsense! I shall be your oxygen, my little Cody-Wody!

Cody: (still struggling) No thanks... I rather just die like this...

Justin: Yep, that's a buzzkiller. Okay, I think we got enough time for one more letter I suppose... Let's see who's next.

The volts of electricity then takes a shock right to Justin, who just screams like a banshee with a drill sergeant lethally combined in the art of war.

Justin: (screaming) DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN IT!

The shocking finally stops as Justin just slumps to the floor, just holding his perfect package from bleeding.

Justin: (high-pitched) Cody was right, this was a bad idea... Next time, let's just hand the letters.

Justin finally gets back up with such an effort as he just grabs the letter standing right before him.

Justin: Okay, this is from Tucker and Dale from God-knows-where and they write to me...

Dear Justin,

We all know that your favorite all time wrestler is The Rock. Who's you're current favorite wrestler?

Best regards, Tucker and Dale vs Evil

Justin: Ah, nice question. Knowing that I'm similar to The Rock everyway. I mean look at me... I got muscles, the looks and just the suaveness that The Rock possess. What more could I ask for? My current favorite wrestler happens to be this man...

Seconds later, a theme song comes blaring from out of nowhere.

Theme song: Woo woo woo, you know it...!

Not too long ago, the "Long Island Iced Z" Zack Ryder comes to the studio where he is given a roaring response from the audience and to the rest of the original camera, all except Courtney, who is still pissed off because of the fact that her hair is gone thanks to Heather's little magic trick.

Zack Ryder: (to the entire audience) How's it goin' my Broski's? This is the one and only, the self-proclaimed Internet Champion, Long Island Iced Z, Zack Ryder! (to Justin) Justin, it's a pleasure to be here! Now we got a little something to say to a certain latin rodrigo watching somewhere. Most notably, Alejandro.

Alejandro: Um, you do realize I'm standing right here. How come no one gave me a letter? I'm popular with the ladies.

Justin: (to Alejandro) Like we hardly care. (to Zack) Zack, you were saying?

Zack Ryder: Gladly, broski. (to the camera) Alejandro, you think that you're perfect... Well, let me and my Broski's watching tell you something. Nobody is perfect. Because when the Long Island Iced Z is standing tall alongside my favorite Broski right here standing before me, we are all perfect in every way. But you, Alejandro? Are you serious, bro?

Alejandro: But I am perfect! I am perfect because I'm with Heather! The reason that Heather chose me over Justin over there was because she found me attractive and satisfying. But you Justin... you're just a nobody when Heather compares to you.

The entire audience boos at Alejandro's statement as Heather turns to him with such a scowl that could wipe the face off a cat.

Heather: (to Alejandro, angrily) Or so you thought!

Alejandro: What do you mean? I know you liked the way when I held you in my arms when we were in that yacht.

Heather: That's because I still couldn't stand you, even if you were in your robot form. I mean, I used to like you secretly, but that's when I realized from that time, I'm just uncomfortable being with you! You always distract me like this, even in the middle of competition. I'm sorry, but this was the reason this wasn't working out. So if you don't know by now, we're finished!

Alejandro hears this and looks very shocked to say the least. The audience roars to their feet chanting the Queen Bee's name as Heather leaves and tries to approach Justin, but Alejandro is trying to follow her just like an annoying gnat.

Alejandro: But Heather! Mi amor, come back! I gave you a replaceable tooth, I even gave you roses and flowers, I even gave you...

Meanwhile, Zack Ryder cuts him off with his finishing move, the Rough Ryder, which is a leaping leg lariat. Alejandro is now rendered unconscious as the crowd cheers louder for Zack Ryder. The chanting was incredible that it could even blow up the roof literally.

Audience: (chanting) Ryder! Ryder! Ryder! Ryder!

Meanwhile, Heather is now into the arms of Justin, who looks very surprised like the rest of the campers are.

Justin: Heather, how-

Heather: (cutting him off by putting her finger to her lips) Don't speak. You know... I'm really looking for a real sexy beast compared to my now ex-boyfriend. Just so you know, I prefer a real man with such... animal magnetism. You think you can try to make me howl?

Justin: (in such an interesting tone) Hmmmmmm... I think I could make time to make a beauty bark like the moon... (to Zack) Zack Ryder, take us to break. Me and Heather are about to go out into the night and 'warm up'... if you know what I mean...

Zack Ryder: Indeed, well that's all the time you have for me in this show, just make sure you go to and add comments, like me on facebook, follow me on Twitter, and buy all Zack Ryder merchandise at . And don't forget to Take Care, Spike Your Hair! "Fanmail Frenzy" will be right back after this break. Woo woo woo, you know it.

As they cut to break, Justin takes a look at Heather once again.

Justin: You know, that's not the way we should follow together.

Heather: Then what is?

Justin: This is...

Justin then takes Heather's arm and follows it down to Justin's incredible tight butt in which Heather's hand is grasping it.

Heather: (feeling the grip) Ooooh... what a gentleman...

Justin: I sure am...


Man, it feels like a long time since I did this. Just don't forget to send me your fanmail like always. More letters will be coming up after you read and review!

Oh, and next up, we will now be including the thirteen campers from Total Drama: Revenge of the Island! Just to let you know!