Disclaimer: How You Doing?
It smelled Like an Ed, at least
Or, never shyst a shyster
A not-so-empty shed, a trail of jujubes, and three Eds who didn't know any wiser. Jimmy was ecstatic as he watched Ed, Edd, and Eddy reach the end of their trail. Seeing them outside the slightly ajar door, Jimmy was overcome with excitement. The trap had been set, and the Eds had been lured right to their doom. Now that they were up against the proverbial hard place, it was now only a matter of rolling the rock in to give them no way out.
He smoothed out his hair and eased his composure, before bolting down the wooded path and to Sarah, Nazz, and Kevin. Holding his net up high, he quickly caught their attention. "Friends, I saw the Eds come this way!"
Kevin turned to Jimmy and grinned. "Alright, little dude, lead the way!"
"Way to go, Jimmy!" Sarah cheered as she quickly followed the charging Kevin. Nazz brought up the rear, congratulating Jimmy as she passed him, and the young, puffy haired child just smirked darkly as he followed the group up the path.
It took not even a minute for them to reach the old shed, and Kevin performed precisely as Jimmy predicted. "Hey check it out, I bet they're in that shed!"
He rushed ahead and to the window, it was dark in there, too dark. "I don't see them."
He turned to Nazz, Sarah, and Jimmy. "I'm going in. Sarah, back me up."
Raising the mallet she had procured for the lynch mob, Sarah grinned and called out to the shed as she and Kevin approached the door. "Ed! You're in so much trouble!"
"Hey guys, I want a piece of them too!" Nazz cried as she followed them to the opened door.
Wait, opened door? Why was the door still open? And where were the Eds? Jimmy looked around, as one by one his pawns walked through the door and into the pitch dark shed.
"Aw I don't see them!" Kevin yelled.
He didn't see them? Jimmy rushed to the door, and peered inside just as Kevin did find someone in the dark. "Dude, Rolf, when'd you get in here?"
Rolf? Before Jimmy could say a word, he felt a hand on his back and let out a squeak of fright as he was shoved over the threshold and into the darkness. The door slammed shut behind him, plunging the entire room into darkness save the light offered by a window and a hole in the opposite wall.
"What the…!" Kevin looked back at the door.
"It's a trap!" Sarah angrily realized. "ED!"
Nazz whirled upon Rolf, aiming her weapon at him. "Rolf, dude, this is totally not cool!"
Jimmy got up, and looked around his friends nervously as the shadow of Rolf became three, and a visibly agitated Lee Kanker turned on the single light in the room. "Who are you calling Rolf?"
On sight of the three toughest girls in the neighborhood, even the wolverine-like Sarah went into a panic as she, Nazz, and Kevin immediately backed up towards the door.
"Kankers! Let's get out of here!" Kevin yelled before he turned and lunged for the door.
He slammed against it and pulled, but it wouldn't budge. "Hey, it's locked!"
"Locked, dude it doesn't have a lock!" Nazz cried as she tried to help him open it.
"The valley girl's got it, that door don't have a lock," Lee said as she exited fight mode and bemusement set in. "Now what the heck is going on here? We were promised our boyfriends, not punching bags!"
"I'm fine with either, though," Marie said as she sized up Nazz, who went pale.
"Promised? What do you mean?" Kevin asked.
Jimmy, who had been trying to be as inconspicuous as possible, was suddenly snatched up by his retainer with a yelp of "Owie" by May Kanker, who presented him to the other three. "Fluffy here promised us our boyfriends if we helped him with his trick!"
"Yeah, and he ain't coughing up his end of the deal," Lee added as she took Jimmy from May and held him up to her eye-level.
The confusion spread in the room, as Sarah leaped to defend Jimmy. "What do you mean? Jimmy would never trick anyone!"
"Oh but on the contrary, he tried."
Everyone looked towards the window, where the voice of Double-D had come from.
"It's my boyfriend!" Marie cried happily.
Lee tossed Jimmy aside without another thought. "Yeah, but what is he doing out there and not in here?"
Kevin ran to the window, and found Edd standing outside with his hands clasped together at his waist and looking almost uncharacteristically smug. "Double-Dork, you had better be letting us out or else-!"
Eddy suddenly leaned from behind Edd, and slapped his hands to his own cheeks in mock surprise. "Oh gee, Kevin! We'd really like to and all, but you see there's something blocking the door, right Ed?"
An old crowbar had been slid through the door handle and a boulder half as big as the shed had been pushed against the door. On the other side of the rock, Ed raised a thumb's up. "Right as ravioli, Eddy!"
Kevin went nuts. "You're gonna get it this time, dorks!"
Eddy pressed himself against the window. "Hey we could try to get you out. But it's gonna cost you a dollar apiece, and that means you too, Kankers!"
Lee shoved Kevin aside, sending him flat against an adjacent wall. "Oh I love it when you try to be a tough guy."
Eddy backed away from the window, just as Lee tried to punch through the glass. There was a thud as she failed to shatter the it. "Hey, what gives?"
Edd tapped on the window. "Not this glass. You see it is safety glass, to discourage vandals. Coincidentally it makes it an ideal place to make a trap, which is why I imagine it was chosen as the trap meant for Ed, Eddy, and I."
"Dude, what are you talking about?" Nazz asked as she put herself as far in the corner, putting Sarah between her and Marie.
"He means that Jimmy's just had his little trap sprung on himself!" Eddy said as he pressed up against the window and pointed at Jimmy. "You thought you could get back at me for that wedgie, huh? Well you lose, sucker!"
Sarah decided to divert her fear behind anger, and yelled at Eddy, "Jimmy didn't do anything! You just tricked us like you did Johnny!"
Eddy just smiled, and stepped back. "Double-D? Educate the brat."
Edd continued to be uncharacteristically smug as he nodded. "Ed? Please set up the projector."
"Already got it, Double-D!" Ed declared as he finished pulling down a screen from a tree branch. A video projector had been set up in front of it, as well.
"Thank you, Ed." Double-D walked over to the projector, and turned to face the crowd.
"As you all know," He presented, "Today has been full of unexplained events from the moment the Friendship Day celebration went awry."
Edd began to count the incidents on his fingers. "Sarah's paintbrush for the papier-mâché heart was stolen, Plank's mouth was rubbed completely off by a rag, and a hockey stick was shoved through the aforementioned papier-mâché heart."
He turned on the projector. "It goes without saying that we were blamed for all of it. After all, the evidence all pointed to us. The rag in my back pocket, Eddy's name on the hockey stick, the fact that it's something we'd probably do…"
"Don't you mean something that you did?" Kevin demanded.
Edd turned around shook his head. "It's something we'd probably do, there is precedent after all. However, it was none of us, and you can thank our overprotective parents that I have the proof."
Then suddenly, Edd was smiling. Not his normal, amiable smile, but something that would be better at home on Eddy's face. It actually unnerved Kevin to see it, as Edd explained, "…You see our parents had a video surveillance system installed in the cul-de-sac."
Jimmy went pale.
"And through my own skillful means, I was able to get a tape of the incident as it happened, and then some."
Jimmy began to shake, as Nazz, Sarah, and the Kankers joined Kevin around the window. Edd pressed play and the projector came to life, beaming onto the screen footage of earlier in the afternoon, the neighborhood kids minus three similarly named boys frolicking in front of the papier-mâché heart and singing their cheery song about friendship.
"Whoa, that's us," Kevin said.
"When did they install cameras?" Sarah asked.
Nazz shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know dude, but I look great!"
Then Eddy came along and gave Jimmy a massive wedgie, sending all of the other children into hysterics, except Sarah.
Double-D spoke up, "It's nice how we all got along for a brief moment to laugh; even Friendship is nothing before the power of Schadenfreude."
"Schaden-what?" Eddy asked.
"A feeling of pleasure while witnessing another's troubles," Double-D explained.
"It's the main reason people watch this show, Eddy," Ed added.
Sarah glared at both Nazz and Kevin, when she caught sight of them laughing especially hard at the crying victim of Eddy's prank.
Edd resumed narrating as Sarah screamed at Ed on the tape. "I'm afraid this is where all of our involvement ends, as we withdrew from the scene with the intention of avoiding more trouble. However, one of you decided that a little revenge was in order."
Before the other children's eyes, as everyone watched Ed push Edd and Eddy away from the scene, Jimmy walked over and hid Sarah's paintbrush under his shirt, and then went back to nursing his wedgie.
Nazz looked over at Jimmy in disbelief. "Jimmy? You were the one who took the paint brush?"
On the tape, Kevin and Sarah watched as Jimmy wiped off Plank's mouth as Sarah dragged Ed back over to accuse him of taking the brush. Kevin was aghast. "Dude, no way, Jimmy was the one who ganked Plank?"
Sarah shook her head. "Say it ain't so, Jimmy…"
Jimmy began sweating buckets.
And then came the coup de grace, as Jimmy wrote Eddy's name on the hockey stick, and jammed it through the papier-mâché heart. The tape paused on Jimmy then pointing in horror at his own handiwork to incriminate the Eds.
"There is more. Such as Jimmy giving jujubes to Rolf and creating the boot print to divert our attempts at clearing our name, and ambushing Johnny to frame us and incite you into a mob. But really, all that needs to be said is right there, really," Edd explained to his now very quiet viewers.
"Are there any questions? Comments? Apologies?" Eddy asked before he produced a jar. "Bail money?"
Kevin, staring at the projection, didn't know what to say. The Eds, for once, hadn't even done anything. It was all Jimmy who played them for chumps to make the dorks look bad. While on one hand, he could respect that, on the other, he was now locked in a room with the Kankers because of it.
Speaking of the Kankers, they were now gathered in a corner talking quietly amongst each other in light of all this. They seemed to be approaching a consensus or coming up with a plan, neither could be good.
Kevin turned to look at Jimmy, now all alone in a corner, and then looked back at Ed, Edd, and Eddy. He folded his arms and then snorted. "I don't hit little kids, but if you were my age, Jimmy, I'd suspend you from a street pole by your underwear."
"Yeah, dude, that was totally not cool! You ruined all of our hard work and blamed it on the Eds! They didn't even do anything to you!" Nazz argued.
Finally, Jimmy spoke, "Yes they did! Eddy gave me a wedgie! It was humiliating!"
Nazz, however, was not having it. "Dude, it was just a wedgie, there was no reason to go crazy like you did!"
"Yeah, just take it like a man and get over it. At least the dorks can do that much," Kevin snapped at Jimmy.
Finding no sympathy from his seniors, Jimmy turned to Sarah. "Sarah, you got to understand, Eddy hurt me, on Friendship Day!"
Sarah, however, looked positively betrayed. "You used me Jimmy, all of us! On Friendship Day, and for nothing but revenge! You… you are the worst friend ever!"
Jimmy's heart shattered into a million pieces, as Sarah turned and buried her face into Nazz's stomach to hide her crying. Jimmy then looked over towards the window, where now Eddy and Ed had joined Double-D's side. His sadness and humiliation that his intricate plot had been so easily foiled began to boil into anger as he realized he still had an ace in the hole.
He rose from his corner and pointed at the Eds. "Not so fast! I can still have my revenge; you forget that I have a deal to uphold."
The Kankers walked past, with Lee announcing. "Deal's off, twerp."
Grabbing May, Lee used her as a battering ram, blasting the door off its hinges and sending the rock hurtling over the trees. She then dropped her younger sister and stepped outside. "We ain't doing jack if there are cameras around. We're too young to be going to juvie, you get it?"
She then hooked her thumb in the direction of the trailer park. "Girls, we're outta here!"
"I'm not going to prison like our Dads!" Marie said as she followed her sister out.
"I'll take my three hots and a cot at home!" May added as she brought up the rear with wobbly steps.
Free to go, Kevin walked out with Nazz at his side. He glared at the Eds. "Don't think that this changes things, dorks."
Nazz was a little nicer. "Sorry for suspecting you of anything, guys."
Sarah was just sniffling as she walked past. Her words were directed at Jimmy. "I'm leaving all your stuff on the curb, Jimmy! I just can't deal with you right now!"
It took a few minutes after Sarah left, before Jimmy finally came out to face his betters. He looked up at Eddy, who looked down his nose at him. In his smallest voice, Jimmy whispered. "I… I suppose you'll want an apology for all the trouble I caused, right gentlemen?"
Eddy smiled big. "Jimmy, I'm feeling pretty generous. For the low, low price of just one dollar, we can forget this ever happened and sweep it all under the rug."
A flicker of anger made Jimmy defiant. "No deal! You may be innocent, but you're still cads, bullies, and brutes!"
"Well then, I guess we'll just have to succumb to our nature." Eddy's smile managed to grow as he, Ed, and Edd loomed over Jimmy.
Minutes later, Jimmy was suspended from a branch of a tree by the elastic of his underwear, experiencing quite possibly the worst wedgie ever. Appraising his work, Eddy dusted off his hands and began walking away.
"You know, we didn't make any money today, but it sure was satisfying nonetheless!" He declared to Ed and Edd.
"Seeing justice served is its own reward, Eddy," Edd explained.
Eddy mused on that. "Nah, it's probably just the Sharon Ford-Ah."
"Schadenfreude, Eddy!" Ed corrected before Edd could.
Edd rolled his eyes as they walked past the boulder Lee launched through the air. They did not notice Rolf, trapped underneath the rock, reaching desperately for his tray of jujubes. Seeing them he called after them, "Ed boys, cease walking into the sunset, and assist in removing this boulder from Rolf's back!"
"Eddy, maybe we should…"
"You know what Double-D? I think I might start liking this Shade on Fjord-O, thing."
A/N: Just something I wrote for a contest some months ago. I post it here for you to enjoy, because I am the BIGGEST fan of Ed, Edd, and Eddy.