Baka amo; Stupid bitch.

CAD's, Portal Thingies, Neuralizers, and Bleeprin are of course a part of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum world. I don't own them, and just borrowed them for a mention.

I do not own G.I. Joe or Jim Henson's Labyrinth. I make no profit from this. Also, I apologize for the quite frankly strange and ridiculous content of this fic. Crack. Definitely crack.

Author's notes;

This is GoblinQueen112! So I just watched Labyrinth for like the 100th time, and OMG I am totally in love with Jareth! He's ALMOST as sexay as Storm Shadow! And then I had a thought! Yup, you guessed it! CROSSOVER TIME :D :D :D

So Sarah is going to have to get Toby back from the Goblin King Storm Shadow and his minions! OH NOES! What will happen?

It wasn't unlike waking with a hangover, really. Tommy blinked, willing the muzziness in his head to clear. The room was unfamiliar. It looked, of all the ridiculous things, like a castle. The European kind, made of massive quantities of stone. The chair he was sitting in (and he had no memory of sitting down in it, or of ever seeing it before) looked like nothing so much as a throne.

He muttered a few curses to himself. He was getting really, really tired of this. If I get my hands on whoever is writing this one, it's going to be progressive amputation this time.

He stood, fighting a momentary wave of disorientation and nausea caused by sudden immersion into ridiculous crossover fiction, and managed to totter over to the window.

He blinked. Outside was…well, some sort of weird fantasy landscape. There was a quaint little village below the castle, bustling with oddly shaped little creatures, and surrounding everything was labyrinth of hedges and stone that stretched out towards the horizon. It looked…vaguely familiar. I've seen this before. Was it a movie? I think it was a movie. Didn't I take a girl to see this? I'm pretty sure I took a girl to see this. I don't think I was paying much attention to the movie, though…

"Master!" A squeaky little voice behind him. "Master! She's going to say it!"

"What?" Storm turned and blinked at the thing behind him. It looked rather like a few potatoes had been glued together and subsequently developed locomotion and speech skills. He blinked again; the odd little thing was wearing a blue uniform with a Cobra insignia on it. He rubbed a hand over his eyes. "Dear gods above…this isn't happening."

"She's going to say it!" The potato-viper thing seemed inordinately excited. "Can't you hear her?"

Storm blinked. Actually…he could. A scene flashed before his eyes; a bedroom, with a crying baby, and a teenage girl whining about something, and threatening to give her brother to the Goblin King.

"I wish…I wish…" Her voice echoed in his skull, as if from a great distance.

Sudden realization of three things hit him; one, exactly where he was. Two, that his pants were almost uncomfortably tight. And three, that he had a lot more hair than he remembered, and either had just stuck his tongue in a light socket or had used roughly an entire can of hairspray on it very recently.

Oh, no. Oh, hell no. He gritted his teeth. Really? Really? Of all the stupid things you could stick me in, you picked this? Baka amo…

The words echoed in his head again. "I wish the goblins would come and take you away. Right now!"

Tommy glared up at the ceiling. "And why would I want to do that?"

The universe seemed to waver a bit.

"I mean, if I wanted a baby, I could just go and make one. Gods know there are willing women out there. Why skip the fun part?"

The universe radiated a sudden sense of vague unsurety. Words suddenly formed themselves across his mind.

Because that's what the Goblin King does! Now STFU I'm writing a story.

"Are all the goblin women sterile? Are they just really ugly? Why does he need to steal babies? Wouldn't it make more sense to steal the children after they're out of diapers?"

STFU and take the baby! How are you arguing? You're a character in a story! Did my brother put a virus on this to screw with my word processor? STEVE! Are you screwing with my word processor? It keeps writing stuff on its own! I KNOW IT'S YOU, STEVE. I'LL TELL MOM ON YOU!

Against his will, Tommy found himself doing something odd; he reached into that scene hanging in front of him, picked the baby up out of the crib, and handed it to the little potato-monster at his feet.

Good. A sense of satisfaction pervaded the universe. Now go talk to Sarah.

Tommy felt the inevitable pull of the narrative take over. To his mild horror, he found himself shrinking and growing feathers.

And now I'm turning into an owl. Of course I'm turning into an owl. Lady, when I get out of this I am going to make the remainder of your short life a living hell.

Author's notes;

GoblinQueen112 here! Thx to all who left reviews! You get CUPCAKES! Yay cupcakes!

And to the flamers…DON'T LIKE DON'T READ! Anyone who reads my stuff knows I'm a huge Jareth/Sarah shipper, so don't be surprised if there's some of that lol.

She's fifteen.

Huh. Sorry about that! I've been having some trouble with my computer and can't delete that line!

She's fifteen. I'm twenty-nine, and certainly not interested in fifteen year old children. If we were counting this Jareth, which I am not because I am not the damn Goblin King, he's a millennia-old pan-dimensional creature. Are you seriously suggesting an angsty, whiny fifteen year old girl could romantically interest such a man?

Sorry again! My brother's messing with my computer. Just ignore that. On to the story!

So being able to blast open windows and call thunderstorms was pretty cool. Tommy would admit that. In fact, the whole 'magic' thing was more than a little intriguing and would bear serious examination and experimentation. Maybe he could turn the author of this bloody story into a frog and sell her to a gourmet restaurant. Actually, the whole 'flight' thing as an owl wasn't terrible, and it did come with razor-sharp, two inch talons on your feet. There were worse things.

Like talking to a whiny fifteen year old girl with an entitlement complex and way too many teddy bears. Tommy sighed and let his eyes go unfocused; he'd already realized that he could see the words of the fiction this way.

He stood in my window, lighting flashing behind him and his dark, spiky hair throwing shadows on the walls. He was wearing a cape and tight pants that accentuated every contour of his body; there were red lines tattooed on one muscular forearm. I felt my mouth go dry. "You're him, aren't you? You're the Goblin King!" He'd taken Toby! "I take it all back! Please!"

"What's said is said…" Tommy trailed off, and glared at the girl standing doe-eyed in front of him. "You know, you could be a little more subtle about it."

The girl in front of him blinked. "What?"

"So you want to be this Sarah girl and live out a fantasy. Fine. You do that. But do you really have to drag me into this?"

A look of confusion. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"The hell you don't." Tommy growled. "That's you in there…" He glanced at the author's notes again. "…GoblinQueen112. You wanted to have adventures and possibly molest men far too old for you. And for some reason, your little fantasy involves me in tights. Understandable enough, but the hair is really overkill."

Stop it. The universe managed to radiate an air of indignation. I'm writing this, not you.

The irresistible force of the narrative took over again, but it felt…different. Usually he was lucky to even know he'd been taken over for some bad author's private little fantasies; he had vague recollections of odd people in jumpsuits waving around things called "CADs" "Portal thingies" "Neuralizers" and "Bleeprin" on a few occasions, after which the universe had reverted to normal. But this time…this time he seemed to be more or less in full control of his own mind.

I wonder. He mused as his lips moved against his will, trying to convince the author!Sue that had suborned the place of the Labyrinth universe's Sarah to forget about her little brother. He watched with some interest as he summoned a crystal ball from thin air, playing with it idly and offering it to the girl. This Goblin King…if I remember this movie correctly, he's in possession of almost complete power over this universe. So long as I'm here in his place, so do I. And so I've some control. And she wasn't planning on that.


He watched the crystal ball turn to a snake in his hand when he willed it, and it was a genuine smile when he tossed the creature at the girl. "Sarah. GoblinQueen. Whatever your name is." He grinned more widely, showing as many teeth as possible. "Don't defy me. You're no match for me, girl."

"I have to have my brother back!"

Fine. We'll play by your rules for a bit. He transported them both to the exterior of the Labyrinth…this magic thing was surprisingly intuitive…and let her have her moment of stoic determination before he left her there to start on her quest.

He was glad to leave. The ogling of his crotch had been getting rather disturbing.

So I've got a couple of hours to figure out this magic thing while she wanders about. Tommy grinned nastily to himself. If I recall correctly, the Goblin King has rules he plays by. Unfortunately for you, I've never believed in giving an opponent a fair chance. This might actually be fun.