Harry Potter and the Posr Prepz Stone
Rating: T for the raping of English language and plot abuse.
Pairings: None for now.
Summary: Harry Ja'mes Potter is goffik. There, I said it. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, My Immortal style! Contains Mary Sues, Goffiks, plot twists, and Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way.
Author's Note (With a side of salad):
WARNING! THIS AUTHOR'S NOTE IS LONG!
Oh. Em. Geeee! Chapter 4! Huzzah! Thank you (Get it (Geddit, because I can spell properly) Thank you, because I'm not gothic) for read this story, and/or reviewing!
OMFG! My birthday is on the 14th of November, and Zoro/Zolo's birthday is on the 11th! I always felt a connection with Zolo. I love swords too! I'm having a Harry Potter themed birthday party! That's nerdy. But here's a fun game- reading My Immortal. :D Good luck, friends.
So, you know Harry Potter in 99 seconds? Well here is another version I made up:
There once was a boy named Neville,
Destined to be a co-star,
His parents were turtored by Bellatrix,
Who gave him mental scars.
Happy Birthday Neville, here's a toad!
Neville goes to Hogwarts
His worst subject is potions
Is quite a dumbo
Meets Harry Potter
I forgot the rest.
My thoughts on the Doctor Who title sequence:
Yes, I'm random. You should of figured that out last time.
Here is my song!
I'm reading My Immortal,
Choking on my food,
according to this author,
I'm a poser prep.
Ebony/Enoby/Enony/whatever you call her is a mary sue,
what in the name of my sanity happened to canon?
My Immortal, My Immortal,
You stole my brain cells and feed them to a tiger!
My Immortal, My Immortal,
What happened to DRACO?
People are flaming, others are laughing, I am singing this song,
You are reading my fanfic,
Hi Some Moron, your stories are cool,
I love Hogwarts reads My Immortal,
Seriously. I'm going to give you a fez for your efforts.
Loopin is masticating,
I am writing a random song!
My Immortal, My Immortal,
Lets read a horrible sex scene!
My Immortal, My Immortal,
I sed stup flming da stryo! if ur a prep den dnot red it! u kin tel weder ur a prep or not by ma quiz itz on ma hompage. if ur not den u rok. if u r den FOOOOOK UFFFFFFFFFF!
Tara Gibble has gone awaay,
My Immortal has stopped today,
What can I do with my life?
Eat Potato salad (Like a boss!)
Get transferred to Pigfarts (Like a boss!
Write MI parodies (Like a boss!)
Read One Piece (Like a Boss!)
Watch One Piece (Like a Boss!)
Live One Piece (Like a Boss!)
Save the world (Like a Boss!)
Begin the story (Like a boss!)
Begin! Commence! Start!
"now, dat's only 4 real gofficks," Ollie explanitated. "I'm goanna haf 2 get u 2 tak da quiz."
"Ok." cam Harry's reply.
ARE YOU READY? 3…2…1… BEGIN!
Who is Hilary Duff?
How hot is Gerard Way?
What is the point of this fic?
"Uhmm…" Harry stuttered. "prep, effing, n 2 mak fun of Tata Gibble."
Author's Interrupting note:
Hey, I wonder if Tara's reading this. HI TARA! Where's the next story? OMFG SATAN! GERARD WAY! GOFFICKS!
Yep. That's the only way I know how to speak to you.
Udder dan dis wa butt im shore ur sik and tried of every1 making fun off u.
"STOP THAT!" Ollivander screamed at the top of his voice.
Any-Gerard-Way, hary went outsid 2 see Hargrad carryng wot looked lik a owl. "WTF IS THAT?" Harrry exclaimed, poting his womb accusingly da v. whit owl. "Its lik, da cutest ting in da world! And i wil hug 'im nd kiss 'im and call him George…"
"Sorry, name's taken," The real George said.
"No WAI! Sorry, George."
"I'm not George, I'm Fred," George- or rather, Fred- stated, pointing at himself.
"I'm George," the other twin said.
The twins gave Harry a dur-ur-so-retarded look.
Fred shifted his gaze towards the camera. "Just as a side note, the author has gotten sick of writing like Tara. She has an exam later for English…"
"…And she would like it if she didn't write like a complete idiot in the middle of it..." George added.
"…As she does want to pass…"
"…and get good marks…"
"…And possibly take over the world while she's at it," Fred finished.
Harry frowned at the twins. "Well, see you later, Harry!" the twins chorused.
"Yeah, bye… Fred…George…"
"It's not Fred and George, it's Gred and Feorge!" the twins called back, shaking with laughter as they passed Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, who, thankfully, was on the receiving end of one of Fred's Troll stink bomb.
To say that Mary Sue haters were happy was an understatement.
Of course, you wouldn't believe their joy when Bella from Twilight landed in this world…
Well, at first it was miserable…
Sirius broke out of Azkaban three years earlier than he should have, and murdered Bella. He was given Order of Merlin, first class, 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 amount of money in cash, apparently somehow talked to the minister about Wormtail, who demanded Scabbers, forgetting the plot holes, saw Peter, declared him life in Azkaban, freed Sirius, who had the right to take Harry away from the Dursleys, and built a time machine so that Harry could be with Sirius instead of the Dursleys.
…And Edward and Jacob somehow died.
No wait, there's more.
Harry ran into some clothing store while Hagrid went to buy anti-slug repellent from Knucktorn alley. A pale blonde guy who looked suspiciously like a girl was in there as well.
The blonde peeked at Harry and eyed his scar. The blonde smirked and walked towards Harry. "Hello," he began, "my name is Draco Malfoy. I am a racist. I despise Gryffindor house and mudbloods, and my parents work for the man who killed your parents…"
Harry narrowed his eyes at this.
"…do you want to be my friend?"
Harry blinked as Malfoy held his hand out.
"Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. You hate Gryffindor?" Harry exclaimed. "I'm meant to be in that house (though I don't know how I know that…)!"
Malfoy glared at Harry. "Well Potter," he sneered. "Looks like we are bitter enemies."
Harry tilted his head. "Why?"
"I dunno. I guess it's since I'm most likely to be in Slytherin, and you're meant to be in Gryffindor, and those houses are mortal enemies," Malfoy explained.
Malfoy smirked. "Did you know that the author is replacing our My Immortal characters with Starkid characters?"
"BECAUSE I SAID SO, THAT'S WHY!" COU0003 roared. "Anyway, changeuis touis auis veryuis potteruis musicaluis charactersuis!"
BOOM! A brilliant light shined down both Malfoy and Harry. Malfoy turned into a more feminine figure, while Harry turned into a supermegafoxyawesomehot guy. It was the greatest moment in My Immortal history. Red vines replaced blood. Hermione replaced Bloody Mary, and Blaine Anderson replaced Vampire Potter. A reviewer shouted, "WHAT THE HELL I THOUGHT THIS WAS A MY IMMORTAL PARODY!"
"Well," the commentator replied, "I am sick and tired of My Immortal. Plus red vines are cool. Also… CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES."
"CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES."
"I BEG YOUR PARDON?"
"CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES!"
"What the hell is a motorcycles?"
"You're kidding, right?"
"Hey Crow, do you know what a motorcycle is?"
"Can't say that I do, Jack."
"Yeah we don't know what that is."
"But we ride them all the time. It's our trademark!"
"Why would we do that?"
"So we can play CARD GAMES on them."
"That sounds silly."
"Jack you're scaring me."
"Come on Crow, let's play card games… while staying completely still... on the GROUND!"
Canon Harry woke up from his nightmare with a gasp. He scratched his head and sighed with relief.
"Oh, thank god."
"WAI R U FANGZIN GOD VAMPIR I THAUT U WERE A SANTANIST!" Ebony screamed.
MWAHAHAHAHAHA! YES, I HAVE CONVERTED TO STARKID-ISM, SO NOW THEY ARE ALL IN THEIR CANON HOUSES! BWAHAHAHA!
Also Tara can I have my motorcycle back? Kthnxbai.
Previously on Harry Potter and the Poser Prep's Stone:
Harry… has faced a crisis 3 chapters in! Or four. I can't remember. Anyway, now he is a StarKid! What on earth is going on?
Draco… Is a girl! Wait, what difference is there?
Ebony… will she ever find someone who hates her in her perfect life? Oh, right.
Hagrid… is buying slug-repellent. Yep, that's all he's doing. Intense, right?
Dumbledore… is still wondering what a Hufflepuff is.
Cedric… wishes he could commit suicide in his new life, or return to his old life.
Bella Swan… is dead. Yaaaay! :3.
COU0003... likes pasta. And is on holidays.
"And that is the story of how Harry Potter came…"
"…to be one of the greatest duelists of all time."
"This ain't Yu-gi-oh!..."
"Screw the Yu-gi-oh, I am on holidays!"
It's the My Immortal Drinking Game! Every time there's a spelling mistake, take a drink!
AN: Special fangz 1 (get it, coz Im2 goffik3) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin4 me wif5 da6 story and spelling. U7 rok8! Justin ur9 da10 luv11 of my deprzzing12 life u13 rok14 215! MCR ROX16!
Wow…one author's note in and I am wasted -.-.
Oh and it's 18, I missed 2 but I couldn't be stuffed adding that in.
Wait, what does this have to do with a Parody of My Immortal?
Well, it is based on My Immortal, and it's pointing and laughing at it, so…
My God! This is the longest chapter so far!
"Continue the story!" Harry yelled at the top of his voice. Hermione rolled her eyes.
"Harry," she began, placing down the book in her hands, "this author has obviously gotten to the point called 'writer's block'."
"Writer's Block," Hermione began talking very fast, as if she knew it off by heart, "is-when-a-writer-is-stuck-on-a-story-and-does-not-know-how-to-continue-it." She said this all in one breath.
"So this writer has writer's block in this story?" Harry asked. "How? It's the easiest story to write!"
Ron sat down with them. He had three sticks in one hand and a packet of Barney Trott's Every Flavour Marshmallows (Totally NOT a rip-off of Every Flavour Beans)© (A risk with every mouthful! Caution: Do not place dynamite/any explosive flavour in campfire. Barney Trotts ©is not responsible for any deaths, loss of limbs, soul sucking out, or loss of noses. Thank you for your co-operation.) (A/N: Voldemort is a proud supporter of Barney Trotts!) in the other.
Ron handed Harry and Hermione a marshmallow. "Nah," Ron said through a mouthful of marshmallow, "it's the other story she's stuck on. This story is just one where she could write random shit and it's alright."
"Oh," Harry nodded. He got that sometimes, when Snape gave him homework and he didn't know what to write next. "Should we help her?"
"Nah," Ron yawned, leaning back slightly. "She'll update eventually… she always does this, you know."
"What, keep people waiting three months? That's as frequent as VG Cats!"
"Never mind," Harry sighed. "That isn't even supposed to exist yet."
"So…what do we do now?" Ron asked.
"Nothing," Harry shrugged. "Wanna tell campfire stories?"
Ron and Harry grinned mischievously. "I have one that Hermione would like to hear," Ron smirked.
"Do tell, Ronald," Hermione smirked back. "I won't be scared that easily."
"Well," Ron raised his eyebrow, "if you insist…"
Ron began talking in a low, mystical voice that reminded Harry of a male Trelawney.
"A long, long time ago, Hogwarts had a sister school… its name was Pigfarts…"
Harry and Hermione burst out laughing.
"On Pigfarts, there was a very gifted student named Lauren Lopez. She got 9001% on every test she took…"
"So it's Hermione."
"She was a muggle-born…"
"She owned a cat, and was the smartest thing in the universe…"
"I take back what I said before," Harry said sarcastically. "That's not Hermione."
Hermione mocked glared at Harry. Harry peeked at her and raised an eyebrow.
"One day, she had a big, big test on. It was more important than any other test she had. Her entire career depended on this test. And…"
Harry and Hermione sat on the edge of their seats.
Harry sniggered and the corners of Ron's mouth twitched. Hermione was silent for a minute. Then…
"HAHAHAHA! Oh my Merlin, that was- the- funniest- story-ever!"
Ron and Harry stepped back a few metres away from Hermione. "Honestly, Ronald," Harry whispered in a very Hermione-like way, "you didn't have any other stories you could tell?"
"Oh, shut it."
Hermione stopped laughing and got a very serious look on her face. "Well, I know a story…"
"What?" Harry and Ron asked in unison.
Hermione got a mischievous glint in her eye. "This is the story of how the fourth chapter of Harry Potter and the Poser Prep's Stone really went…"
Harry gasped. "W-what?"
Ron began breathing heavily. "Hermione- why? N-no, Hermione- the chapter ended how- it ended the way- we like that ending!"
Hermione began grinning like crazy and waved her wand. That should of informed the ministry of underage sorcery, but they were in Hogwarts in their fifth year, in the 'safe zone' of the Forbidden Forest. Namely, they placed m-rated slash fanfics around the thirty metre area, so anyone who didn't know the password (this week password was Harry :5, Voldy:0) would be forced to read at least one m-rated slash fanfic that had themselves in it. This, of course, was all created by one Hermione Granger.
"Silencio," Hermione said. Harry felt his mouth shut immediately. Ron glared at Hermione, who began telling the true story of how the chapter went…
Begins as Harry steps out from Ollivander's…
"LOL Hargird lok wot I got," Harry smugged, loking very plezed wif himself.
Haefid peerd Harries goffick wand. He fwoned n showed harry wot he waz hidin behind hiz bac. 'Guess you wont lik me prezzie, den,' hargrad sniffed, obivsly sad abot somfing. Harry gasped wif dilet. It waz…
"Why da fork wuld I want dat?"
Hargrid's eyies got filled up wif blak tearz of deprzzion (Say the out loud. De-priz-zion. Adjective. Describing a very shit fanfic. Thesaruas: My, Immortal, Ebony, Dark'ness, Dementia, Raven, Way.) and he started to cry deprzzionly.
Harry had no idia of wot 2 do. i mean, he waz a grown-up adult man CRYING for satan's sake (And I'm talking 'bout the drink). They only cry when they see their children reading crap like this.
"Ah… its alrite, Hargrad, I luv birds!" Harriet reasurreed. "Espechily crows!"
"Dat's an owl."
"…I luv owls, lulz," Harry finished. Hargrad was very plezed. He did god joob! Hargrad iz good boi.
"Yay nao I can go 2 da train dollar-sign-tation!"
"…ok nao we haf 2 stoop dat cuz were gofficks."
Hargrad nodded slowly. "Now, let us skip sexily into the sunset while heading off to the train station, forgetting everything that happened in the book between now and King's Cross!"
And with that, the two gofficks skipped sexily into the sunset, forgetting everything that happened in the book between now and King's Cross.
- THE DAY AFTER-
KING'S CROSS STATION
Ronald Billius Weasly scratched his jet black hair as he walked along his family. Coincidently, every member of the Weasly family were born with red-hair and freckles. Then, later in life, they would dye it black. Except Percy, 'cause he's an ass. Except later, in the last book, he changes it to black, 'cause he's not an ass anymore.
He was, as one may call him, smexy. Girls stopped for a minute to stare at him. They weren't worth his time. He was too damn smexy to wink at girls and take a picture with them. Ok, maybe he did do that… but only with smokin' hot girls. All of the Weaslys' were smexy, well only the children.
"It's the same every single year, packed with muggles…"
Molly Weasly walked friskly, holding Ginny's hand as she walked. They soon arrived between platform 9 and platform 10.
The first few Weaslys went through. Ron was about to go through, when a goffick boy walked up. Normally Ron hated goths (He wasn't one himself. He only dyed his hair black because it doubled his smexiness), but this boy was a fellow hottie, therefore they are BFFLUTGOFWRTHPHNITC (Best Friends For Life Until The Goblet Of Fire When Ron Thinks Harry Put His Name In The Cup).
"Xcuz me," the goffick boi said shyly.
"How do u go 2 platform 9 n 3 qortors?"
Ron frowned at the boy. Did he just… miss spell a sentence he said out aloud?
"Just run across and crash into that wall," Molly said.
"Kthnxbai," the boy replied as he ran smexily into the brick wall.
He miss spells everything, Ron thought, but his looks make up for it…
"Ron," Molly said.
Ron nodded and ran towards the wall, closing his eyes and smiling as he ran across, making fan girls swoon. Even though that's basically pedo…
The school year has started.
"And that's the end of the chapter," Hermione finished.
Ron smirked. He was smexy, eh? This story just got a whole lot more interesting…
"I liked that chapter," he declared.
"I didn't," Harry shot back. "I still seem like a weirdo. At least you don't miss-spell everything you say."
Ron patted his BFFLUTGOFWRTHPHNITC's shoulder. "It'll pass in time, it'll fade away…"
"Hopefully," Harry sighed.
"Oh! Right, it has come to Clouds's attention-"
"Who is Cloud?"
"COU0003, she prefers to write her name as Cloud now," Hermione answered. "Anyway, it has come to Cloud's attention that she has not written a disclaimer, so…"
"No, not mine, never mine. Belongs to J. K. Rowling…" Harry, Ron and Hermione chorused together.
"And that's the end of this chapter," Voldemort said.
"HOLY MOTHA OF GRYFFINDOR'S PANTIES!"