A/N: No inspiration has come to me from any of my stories. I'm sorry, but one-shot to make up for it, yes? :D Good. Enjoy and R&R
Disclaimer: Do you solomly swear you don't own anything to do with Glee?
Me: *Thinks REAL hard* No, do I look like Ryan Murphy?
Random Guy: *Squints at me* No you do not kind madam.
Everyone thinks that I, Kurt Hummel, am this strong person that nothing can touch. This is also a complete and total lie. I'm not strong, I'm not courageous. I broke down somewhere between the constant barrage of slushies and being called 'fag' everyday. I have only recently defeated cutting and anorexia, mostly thanks to Blaine. So why wouldn't I love the one person who cared enough to notice that fact that I was dying? So I fell hard and fast and I can only hope he feels the same. But he's broken my heart twice now, without realizing it. So the worst part is? I can feel myself slipping, slipping back into the same mindset that led to cutting, that led to anorexia. I'm scared, so scared that I will purge or cut and I won't be able to stop myself.
I plaster on a smile on my face and adjust my Dalton blazer and for once I am thankful for the lack of a roommate. I don't have to hide my bleak and grey face that I have to mask when I go out into class. My fake cheery eyes morph into dull ones and I sigh before taking on the mask once more and walking out of my dorm and into the bustling hallways off to some class I won't pay attention to for some test I won't remember a week later. I try my best not to look in any one's eye. If that happened I just might break down, who knows what would happen then. I see Blaine across the length of the hallway who tried desperately to catch my eye, unfortunately he did. He grins widely and I struggle to keep my eyes from rolling. He shuffles through the crowd to get to me.
"Hey I just might be able to swing an audition for you with the council! Isn't that great?" Blaine said as annoyingly cheery as possible. I love the guy but god, sometimes I just want to strangle him.
"I suppose." I say indifferently, trying not to offend him. Apparently that is exactly the opposite of what I actually did. Blaine frowned.
"I thought you would be happy, seeing as you tried so hard to get one at the beginning here." Blaine crossed his arms. I clenched my fist and tried desperately to keep my cool.
"Thank you Blaine, I will most definitely get right on that." I heard my phone buzz and I yanked it out, who would be texting me? I don't have friends.
Hey Kurt, Can you help me chew out Finn? He just doesn't understand why he should blow off guys night for our two and a half month anniversary. Help? ~ Rachel
Figures she would only text me when she wants something. I delete the text message, I can just claim I never received a text message. I just don't care anymore. I drift off into space before Blaine alerts me to the fact that he is still there.
"Kurt?" Blaine taps me on the shoulder and I jolt awake.
"What? Oh right, see ya later Blaine." I rub my temples and walk away to my first class.
I resolve that I will stay awake the whole night. To be honest, I don't mind insomnia, gives me plenty of time to think. I stay awake the whole night, hoping that everything will just eventually float away. I flip on my playlist as I look out the window at the moon. I'm actually a huge classic rock fan. I like musicals but when I hear John Lennon sing Imagine or hear American Pie come on it just consumes me, it makes me feel whole. I wander around my dorm and eventually wander into my bathroom that single dorms were lucky enough to have. My eyes travel over the sink and eventually fall on my shaving razor.
I glance to my arm. I squeeze my eyes tightly and take a deep breadthe. No, not again. I can't let it happen again. I feel my arm travel up to the razor anyways. I grip ahold of the handle. I don't want to do this, I can't let myself do this. I feel the cool blade press up against to my skin. Just a little but. NO. I can't. But it'll feel good. This is not a lie. I've cut before, I know it works but I also know it's not good for you. I can already the blade glide across my arm causing a small line of blood to appear. I slash again and again. At some point blood splatters across the mirror and I stop. I look down at my arm. I shudder and reach underneath the sink for bandages.
I wrap up my arm. I look at my reflection in the mirror and smear the blood over it. I don't want to look at my ugly face. I look down at my stomach. I don't want you. I run over to the toilet and stick two fingers down my throat. I puke into the bowl. I can feel the comforting emptiness come back to me with open arms, as if greeting and old friend. Oh hunger, how I have missed you.
I passed out but I wake up early in the morning anyways. I feel nature's call and I walk into the bathroom. I pause at the sight of the mirror, I see the blood there. I wet a towel, without a blink of an eye, wipe away the blood. The only thing I can think of is WORTHLESS.
I go through the motions of the day. I pass by Blaine at some point and his one comment jars my from my day long daze.
"Hope you're ready for your solo audition tomorrow." I only hear his voice but it's enough to make me stop and think Oh shit. That's right, fucking audition I didn't even want. I sigh and continue walking trying desperately to think of some dumb ass song to sing for my stupid audition. The dim pain of the fresh cuts on my arm in the back of my mind.
The answer to my problem comes to me in my shuffling at night. I come across a Billy Joel song that I just love. I crack my knuckles, get ready council you're about to witness my secret talent.
I walk in the music room and stroke out the first few keys loving. I wait patiently for the council to come in. Thad, Wes, and David come in giggling and quickly compose themselves in my presence. They take their places among the council chairs and sit quietly awaiting my song. I wait for them to give the okay. They make an irritated motioning as if I was the one who was late. I burn with rage but I manage to calm myself long enough to do the song. I start stroking the piano keys.
It's nine o'clock on a Saturday
The regular crowd shuffles in
There's on old man sitting next to me
Makin' love ot his tonic and gin
He says, "Son, can you play me a memeory
I'm not really sure how it goes
But it's sad and it's swee t and I knew it complete
When I wore a younger man's clothes."
la la la di da da
la la di di da da dum
Sis us a song, you're the piano man
Sing us song tonight
Well, we're all int hte mood for a melody
and you've got us all feelin' all right
Now John at the bar is a friend of mine
He gets me my drink for free
And he's quick with a joke and he'll light up your smoke
But there's some place that he'd rather be
He says, " Bill,, I believe this is kiling me."
As his msile ran away from his face
"Well I'm sure that I could be a movie star
If I could get out of this place"
Oh, la la la di da da
la la di da da da dum
Now Paul is a real estate novelist
Who never had time for wife
And he's talkin' with Davy, who's still in the Navy
And probably will be fore life
And the waitress is practicing politics
As the buisnessman slowly gets stoned
Yes, they're sharing a drink they call lonelieness
But it's better that drinkin' alon
Sing us a song you're the piano man
Sing us a song tonight
Well we're all int he mood for a melody
and you got us all feeling alright
It's a pretty good crowd for a Saturday
And the manager gives me a smile
'Cause he know that it's me they've been comin' to see
To gorget about their life for a while
And the piano, it sounds like a carnival
And the microphone smells like a beer
And they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar
And say, "Man, what are you doin' here?"
Oh la la la ki da da
la la did da da da dum
Sing us a song you're the piano man
Sing us a song tonight
Well we're all int the mood for a melody
and you gut us feeling alright
When I finish the song I grin at the piano feeling as though I could actually do something, instead of just going through the motions. I look up at the council members. They look down at me with awe.
"Well although that rendition was quite good, it's not exactly what we're looking for this Regionals." Wes coughs out and Thad looks away not wanting to meet my obvious glare. I just stand up and walk out without a word. I'm trembling but I can't bring myself to care. I walk out of the music room and Blaine is waiting for me there.
"How'd it go?" Blaine says with a smile.
"Fuck off." I whisper it so softly that Blaine barely hears it.
"What?" Blaine continues to smile obviously not hearing it clearly the first time.
"Fuck off Blaine! I'm just not in the mood to deal with your cheeriness. So Fuck off!" I threw my hands off to the side and stormed off, missing the hurt look on Blaine's face. I really couldn't care less, I just need to let off some steam. I knew the perfect way to do that. I threw open my dorm door and ran to the bathroom. I grab my razor and just start slashing. Blood splatters the mirror once more but I can't bring myself to care. I just focused on how good it felt to FEEL the pain. To feel something besides nothing. I cut so hard. I knew it would leave scars, part of me wants this to leave scars. I want to see it. By this time there is a small pool of blood beside me but I just stop caring, that is until I hear a gasp. I groan. I can already guess who it is. Blaine.
Sure enough Blaine with his dapper ways comes in and picks me up off the floor, dusting imaginary dust off my uniform. I jerk away from his touch and blood splatters in an arc.
"Don't touch me." Blaine's eyes shimmer as he looks at me.
"But I don't want your help. Just being nice to me won't solve things." I yell at him. I probably shouldn't but I'm just so annoyed at him right now.
"Look, is this what happened with the audition because I'm sure..." I cut Blaine off.
"Blaine, I didn't even want the stupid audition. I just want someone to want me." Silence occupied the room for a few minutes.
"If you're not going to say any thing than just leave." I point to the door but Blaine just stands there. The blood loss starts to reach my head and I feel a little woozy. I stumble and Blaine catches me and pulls me up to eye level.
"I want you." Blaine whispers and before I can mistake it he presses his lips to mine. I can feel something again. I don't feel dead any more, I feel alive.
A/N: Instead of sleeping; I DID THIS. :D I'm so bad. XD Anways, R&R. Thanks a bundle.