Drumroll please! Alright, here is the much- anticipated (or maybe not-so-much) sequel to To Kill a Mary Sue! I suggest you read it if you haven't, but the story would probably make sense if you haven't. Thanks to Real Men Play Quidditch for the character of Serendipity/ Serena. Sorry, I'm not accepting any more submitted characters. And apologies to you if you speak German and the cheap online translation is incorrect. Even though I know at least one of them is because I recently read a book set in Germany, and they cursed a lot.
Serendipity Des'tiny Unicorn Maysparkle was in a hurry. Why else would she be walking with giant strides, eyes fixed on the floor, instead of gliding gently down the hall like she usually did, just to make sure everyone would look at her? Not that it mattered, for Hogwarts was dark and empty. The students were all tucked away in their beds, dreaming of sugarplums and whatnot. Technically, Serendipity was supposed to be sleeping, but that wasn't a problem- if a teacher happened to peer around the corner, she'd flash her perfect pearly white teeth, bat her long, black, perfect eyelashes, and avoid punishment once again. Or she could jubilantly hold up her gleaming Head Girl badge the staff had awarded her despite only being a sixth year. Either way, rules were the last thing on her mind.
Swerving suddenly to pass under a set of doors into a starlit courtyard, Serendipity stood with poise and dignity on the bleached white stones. The spindly vines that grew up onto the trellis, fountain and carved stone benches made the crumbling old rock seem like a secret garden. Under the silent observation of the stars, it really was a beautiful old place. Serena, however, paid little attention to her surroundings. She knew they would never be as good-looking as her- nothing was. She had gotten to a point where she almost sucked the beauty out of anyone and anything daring to stand in her presence. It tired her so, for everyone was so busy fighting over her that no one really understood her. Well, not at the moment. Soon, some poor canon character would come along- probably Draco, maybe Harry or even one of the Weasley twins- and lose their minds over her. She would confine her deepest fears in them, and they would promise never to let go, or something equally ridiculous. And they would all live happily ever after. Or Serena would die a tragic death in order to save Hermione or someone who hated her. You know, however it may happen.
Suddenly, a very faint beeping noise seemed to come out of nowhere. Zoom the camera a bit… yes, now pan down… no, no, no, down…yes, now move the mic a little closer… alright… perfect! The beeping noise seemed to be coming from none other than Serena's mind. This seemed to be a normal event, for Serena merely tapped the right side of her head, stopping the noise. Instantly, a blurry hologram of a girl with starchy blond hair and moderate acne appeared before her in the courtyard.
It was her Sue-powers, of course! What, you didn't know that Mary Sues could communicate with their minds? I'm sure you've at least heard of it- it comes up in most stories that feature a Sue. The problem is that most balanced, interesting characters don't have these powers, so the Sues don't get to exercise them as much as they'd like to. And believe me, if they got their way, that would be a lot.
"Serena! Serena! God, what took you so long?" The connection wavered as the hologram's voice went from fuzzy to legible and back again.
"Oh, I'm so sorry darling! You know, that artificial intellectual transmitter communicator device that Harietta made for you might just not be working out. Harietta's Sue Talents just haven't had time to develop yet. But no matter, no matter. What is it you need to speak with me about?" Her melodic voice remained sweet and kind despite the hologram's bitching. She was a Sue, after all.
The hologram rolled her eyes. She was aggravated, a bit at Serena's annoyingness, but mainly it was because the other girl's cheery disposition made her look bad, when in reality she was just acting like all other humans did on bad days.
"Have you gotten any new recruits? I don't expect they would be hard to find, what with all those old girlfriends Remus Lupin and Sirius Black seem to be recalling from 'better days'."
"Oh, yes, indeed we have!" Serena replied peachily. "I came across her the other day, while strolling amongst the graveyard. Poor thing, lost as a blind wombat. I think you'll be very pleased with her actually, for I believe you've been acquainted before."
The hologram opened her mouth to say something, but before she could speak, she jumped and spun around to face the other direction. Her eyes shone wildly, frantically searching for something out of range of the hologram's projection. Serena held her breath and both were silent for a few moments until the hologram turned around, emitting a relieved and exasperated sigh.
"Is anything wrong, commander?" Serena asked, concerned. The hologram shook her head.
"The Forbidden Forest isn't exactly an ideal place for a campout. Of course, normally, I would have built a treetop village, discovered a new race of elves, and even stolen the heart of a centaur or two, but…" She clenched her jaw, still in denial about losing her Sue-Powers. "But, you know, the air is too damp this time of year."
Serena nodded sympathetically. "If you'd like, I could come down and maybe help you with some architectural tips..."
"NO!" the holgram replied loudly before regaining her scarcely controlled temper. "I mean… I believe I'm doing fine where I am, thank you."
The breathtakingly beautiful one of the two smiled mildly before lowering her voice to a whisper. "Have you gotten any leads on… you know… the Gr-"
"Don't say it," breathed the other, her eyes wide. "Just don't. We all know what you are referring to. There's no need to say it."
"Alright, then. But have you?" Serendipity refrained from pointing out that the reader did not know what they were talking about and that this only made things more suspenseful and confusing.
"Yes; that's what I was going to tell you about. Aragog's brother gave me some information that sounded really useful. Unfortunately, he had to give it to me in German for fear of being overheard, and it seems he forgot that this weather is not right for my German-speaking."
"Maybe I can translate it for you. After all, my parents spent a year in Germany, so I'm not so bad in the language myself." Serena also spoke French, Spanish, Japanese, Dutch, Mermish, Jive, and Pig Latin. The girl in the hologram had been able to speak all that plus Portugese and Hippogriff before the incident, but it was no use rubbing it in her face at the moment.
"Okay. What he said was this… Sie sind ein Arschloch. Can you get anything out of it?"
Serena merely shook her head in pity. What the words really meant was you are an asshole. Obviously Aragog's brother knew she had lost her Sue powers and felt the need to make her even further upset. Hadn't she been through enough? "It's nothing important," she replied halfheartedly.
Disappointment dripped from the hologram's face before she had a chance to hide it. Then, her brow creased in frustration. "Stupid spider. I've learned my lesson not to trust creatures anymore. I'll go about locating the you-know-what. You continue finding more assistance and doing what you can. But whatever you do…" Here, she slid a manuscript of a story out of her robe pocket. "To Kill a Mary Sue" it read in formal black letters. Then, Aria Anastasia Haley Monica Snape tugged at the edge of the paper long and hard, until it tore in half with a menacing rip sound. "Do not, I repeat do not, let your guard down."