50 Facts About Kurt Hummel
Rating: PG-13, possibly R/T
Warnings: Language, implied sexual content and depiction of HIV/AIDS
Please note that, while I have attempted to research as far as possible, the information in this fic is by no means wholly accurate. I don't claim to be an expert at all, and some creative liberties may have been taken. I apologise for any offence or otherwise that this may unintentionally cause.
1. Kurt Hummel owns no fewer than forty one scarves.
2. They're arranged in his closet in a rainbow, a patchwork of colour as the crescendo of tones rise and fall.
3. There are three that he's been told match the colour of his eyes; one the colour of Cambridge, another spun from cerulean with feather-fingers, and one Alice-blue.
4. Alice In Wonderland is one of his favourite books, and also one of his husband's.
5. He marries Blaine Anderson when he's twenty seven years old in New York City.
6. Neither can decide on what surname they intend to take. Kurt signs the register as he would have done normally, as Kurt Hummel. Blaine signs it as Blaine Hummel-Anderson.
7. Kurt doesn't know this.
8. Kurt designed the suits they both wore to the ceremony. It took him hours, but he still thinks it was worth it.
9. Their wedding was reported with a twenty-page spread in OK! Magazine. They have a copy saved, framed and hung on the wall in their flat. The headline of the issue was "The Disney Fairytale."
10. Kurt hates this headline for two reasons. The first is that, as much as he adores Disney, the fact that they've never had a gay character means that the allegory is already incorrect. (He chooses not to include Ryan from High School Musical, or anyone who fell in love with a girl who was only pretending to be a boy, and yes, Li Shang, this means you).
11. The second is that there's no such thing as a fairytale, and that's something he's come to learn the hard way.
12. The first time that Blaine kisses Kurt, Kurt is seventeen.
13. The last time that Kurt and Blaine kiss, he's thirty.
14. Blaine's lips are warm and taste of honey and home. It's a taste Kurt's come to learn over the years, bright and sharp and shining like a full moon. Sometimes Kurt wonders what he tastes like to Blaine, and hopes it's just as nice. Blaine assures him it is.
15. Kurt's favourite feature of Blaine is a scar which shines silver over his right shoulder. Blaine tells him it's from the Sadie Hawkins dance, and Kurt likes to kiss it every time they make love to let Blaine know how cared-for he truly is.
16. Every time they make love – Kurt refuses to use any other phrase for the act, as none convey the emotion, the deep bond of trust the act requires – it's beautiful. Kurt's blue green, green blue eyes meet the warmth of Blaine's and they move in time to the waltz of each other's heartbeats until they gasp and crumple together.
17. Kurt misses making love.
18. It's not the act itself that he misses, but the feeling of intimacy, of tender touch and heated breath and openness and vulnerability that makes them feel closer than they ever have. He misses the afterglow where they burn white and shining, when they hold each other in the depths of the darkness and listen as their heartbeats end their dance and bow.
19. Blaine sleeps a lot now, and Kurt likes to sing to him.
20. Blaine always likes to think of Teenage Dream as their song. Kurt disagrees, and will always think Somewhere Only We Know is far more special.
21. Kurt has a playlist of all the songs they like. He plays it sometimes, when Blaine's awake.
22. That's not often.
23. When he does, though, they sit together and reminisce about how they walked down the aisle to Pachelbel's Canon in D, how they danced to Falling Slowly at their wedding. How they sang the duet of Baby, It's Cold Outside. And Candles.
24. As Blaine sleeps, lost somewhere in a world without pain, Kurt traces the bruises that swirl in a galaxy around his skin and tries to lose himself too.
25. Nothing breaks Kurt's heart more than hearing Blaine wake, and whisper, "It hurts, Kurt," in a voice that sounds like shrapnel. He's given up hope.
26. Something inside Kurt tells him to hold hope for Blaine, but he knows it's useless, so he doesn't.
27. Kurt thinks Blaine looks like a baby bird when he sleeps; he curls inwards, the wasted curve of his spine a waxing-crescent and the vertebrae stood out like a mountain range too high to explore. His breaths flutter like a flag in the breeze, and the ribbon of the IV shifts with his movement as he twitches, not quite at rest. There's something heartbreakingly beautiful about it.
28. Kurt's scared – no, he's terrified. But he knows Blaine feels so much worse.
29. When Kurt wants to pinpoint where it all went wrong, he can't remember exactly. All he knows is that the story begins and ends at the hospital, when Blaine crashes his car and needs seven stitches in his arm and God knows what else before being told actually the blood transfusion we gave you was contaminated you've got HIV you're dying.
30. Kurt saves the generous compensation the hospital gives them, places it in a bank account, keeps it for the funeral. He uses his own money to pay for the treatments, the AZT.
31. There would be nights when Kurt would hold Blaine and they'd cry together.
32. Now only Kurt cries.
33. Kurt doesn't understand the scribbles on Blaine's chart. He makes out the words extrapulmonary tuberculosis and atypical disseminated leishmaniasis and chronic cryptosporidiosis. He doesn't know what they mean, nor does he want to find out.
34. The sands of time are draining, and hope is draining, and it's swirling around the plughole, the void deep inside Kurt before they disappear completely.
35. The hospital is black and white, clouded with feelings, and outside there's colour that Kurt wants to put back into his memories that they've lost.
36. There's one night where Kurt falls asleep in the chair beside the bed as usual, and the dreams wash over him in a haze as he's making love with Blaine once more and they're moving in time and they're dancing dancing and they're flush and warm and wet and Kurt wakes up and his cheeks are coated with sweat. Or is it tears?
37. Kurt reaches out and takes Blaine's hand and holds onto it to stop him from slipping away in the snow.
38. When Blaine wakes up, he sees Kurt, looks at him, and Kurt can see the fragments of glass broken behind his eyes. His mouth twists heavily as he tries to speak, and all he can say is, "I don't want to die, Kurt."
39. Kurt hates being powerless more than anything. Powerless to help Blaine. Powerless to be able to kiss, to touch, to comfort, to say it will all get better, that you'll be okay, because by now Blaine's walking along that bastard Death's path.
40. But Kurt just looks back at him, his face staid, tells Blaine that he loves him and lets him fall asleep again to the sound of silence.
41. As Blaine sleeps, a nurse comes in and changes the IV, checks over, then leaves. Kurt leans over Blaine, navigates the map of his blackened wrists, finds his way deeper into the universe of Blaine's bruised skin where someone has carelessly scattered them around his body and left for someone else to pick it up.
42. Kurt's relieved when Blaine wakes up again, as the night begins to filter through the window and to lower them into darkness as Blaine won't let Kurt turn on the strip light that casts a harsh, sterile glow over them.
43. Somehow, Blaine forces his mouth into a smile, whispers "I love you" and Kurt responds with the same phrase and a lump cloying in his throat.
44. It's then that Blaine sighs and gives a weak cough, reaches for Kurt's hand. The grip is barely there. "Stay with me."
45. Kurt chooses to climb into bed with Blaine that night, when the nurse says he can. Blaine's already asleep as the city lights taunt them across the barrier to another world and the moon is obscured by clouds.
46. Kurt begins to sing Somewhere Only We Know under his breath, and the sounds fall upon ears that are long past hearing. I walked across an empty land I knew the pathway like the back of my hand –
47. At some point, Kurt falls asleep. The next morning, only one wakes up.
48. The bed is cold, the sheets are cold, the air is cold, Kurt is cold and Blaine is gone.
49. Kurt pulls down the side of the hospital gown, feeling the paper fold beneath his fingers, the crack of the edge. He presses his lips one last time to the scar across Blaine's shoulder, then falls back to sleep again, just wanting everything to be normal for just a little while longer. But things haven't been normal for months, and they won't be again. And that's why life can't be a fairytale or a Disney story. Because if it is, even for a little while, your dreams will drown you and your happily-ever-after.
50. Kurt Hummel doesn't cry. Not any more.