Must Not Hit Patient In Critical Condition
Summary: "I was critically injured...by a circus midget?" "A rogue circus midget. Tiny but deadly." Wherein Sasuke is injured, Naruto force feeds him with an airplane, and Sakura tries to help him urinate but fails epically. SasuSaku with hints of SasuSakuNaru:)
Warning: if ya don't like hints of threesomes, don't flame me, cause you've been warned:) Arrrrr, save ye flames for ye marshmallows me hearties (I guess that would be...pirate marshmallows...) Seriously though, this fic is extremely tame.
This is some light fluff and silliness, but it's not crack fic:) I would have to say also, after reading this piece a few times, that it is roughly (very, very roughly, lol, especially the part where Sasuke contemplates death) inspired by Uchiha.S's oneshot, "To Have and To Hold," which is an amazing lil' piece people (go read it after you're done here, ok? And then go bug her to update her masterpiece "Isekai," dig?) So Uchiha.S, if you are listening...er, reading, this fic is dedicated to you: I have taken the Sasuke-nessity I learned from you and used it for the power of silly:) Much love:)
First impressions: sterile light, the powdery, suffocating scent of disinfectant, the sounds of lonely, lingering footsteps echoing off well-polished linoleum. Sasuke blinked. For a moment, he was just stunned, speechless, his mind quietly reeling in confusion. I'm in the hospital...and I feel like ass. Damn. He tried sit up but failed miserably; with a groan, he took in his condition: two broken arms and one broken wrist; a pounding headache; and a massive amount of scar tissue running along his chest. "What the hell happened..." he murmured, disgusted at his current condition.
"Sasuke! You're awake!" Sakura all but squeaked as she ran to his side.
Sakura rolled her eyes. "Well Mr. Crabby Pants, obviously, if you're back to your rude old self, you must be doing fine," she replied drolly; however, her eyes did not match her tone, the listless green of her irises did not sparkle but instead sank into themselves in sorrow. After a pregnant pause, Sakura whispered, "You've been out for three days...I was worried..."
And with Sakura's words, Sasuke's memories began to surface: surrounded by enemy ninja, a stampede of elephants (yes, literally, a stampede of fucking elephants), and a water bullet straight to his chest. Sasuke blinked dully as more memories flooded his consciousness: Naruto breaking out a can of Kyuubi whoop-ass as Sakura struggled to sew Sasuke's chest cavity back together. The taste of blood mixing with tears in his mouth; he was pretty sure they weren't his tears though. Sakura was hovering above him, and she always had been a cry baby.
He winced, cursing himself for that last thought. Wouldn't he cry like a proverbial baby if Sakura were critically injured? He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. No, no he probably wouldn't cry. Shinobi did not cry. He was a shinobi. Hence, he did-not-would-not-could-not-cry; and in fact, ever since his brother had murdered his family and clan, he had only wept twice: right after the 'incident,' as he liked to call it, and after he had learned the truth about Itachi. After that, he never cried again, not even when the memories he tried to repress bubbled up to the surface of his consciousness in his dreams, in his nightmares.
He had long ago transformed any vestiges of his grief into anger. Anger was something you could hold, something that could propel you forward; grief was nothing but salt dissolving in the rain, useless, static. So he supposed, in that moment, if it had been Sakura who had been injured or died (he must not get upset about that, her theoretical death, that would unravel too much, and anyway, everything dies eventually, so why make a fuss about it, no big deal, right? Right.) he would just get revenge on the bastard who had murdered her: probably by killing the offending ninja, his whole family, and then possibly razing his entire village to the ground. Yes, that seemed about right.
Sasuke opened his eyes again; he took in Sakura's worried face and muttered, "Don't look at me like that."
Sakura took a deep breath; Sasuke could have sworn that as she exhaled, she muttered under her breath, "Must not hit a patient in critical condition. Must not hit a patient in critical condition..." Sasuke paled; he must not have heard her right. Sakura? Hit Sasuke? He would have shaken his head in disbelief, but he found that it was much more comfortable not to move in his current physical condition.
"Sasuke," Sakura finally breathed, after mentally picturing herself beating the Uchiha with a rubber chicken (that visualization was her therapist's idea: seriously, don't ask), "how are you feeling?"
"Like ass," Sasuke muttered without thinking. Inwardly, he cursed himself for his thoughtlessness: Seriously Sasuke? The girl just saved your life...can't you say something more polite?
But Sasuke had no time to dig himself out of the hole he had just made for himself, for at that moment, one large, orange moron burst through the door. "Oi, teme! It takes an ass to feel like an ass! Get it! Get it!" Naruto shouted.
Sasuke would have covered his ears, or at the very least, slapped himself in the face, but as was previously mentioned, he had broken both of his arms (and his right wrist). "Naruto," he stated evenly, while in his mind, he was picturing himself firing a giant fireball at the dumbass.
"That's my name, don't wear it out!" Naruto grinned idiotically, but even without his sharingan activated, Sasuke could tell that Naruto's heart wasn't in his smile. Damn...just how bad was my epic failure during our last mission?
It wasn't that Sasuke was afraid of dying. Far from it: he looked forward to the day when he could stop trying so damn hard and just give up. But there were two things that prevented him from giving into that final darkness: one, he wasn't exactly looking forward to facing Itachi in the afterlife. Sasuke had fucked up royally before, during, and after Itachi's death—no, Sasuke thought grimly to himself, Itachi's murder... If there was an afterlife (which Sasuke had a sneaking suspicion that there might be), he was not looking forward to the lecture and hellfire that surely would accompany his departure from this world.
His other reason for avoiding the grim reaper was that dying young would be a failure on his part: and dying on a C ranked mission, of all things? That would be unacceptable, something more likely to happen to the Idiot than the Genius of the Uchiha clan...
Only problem was, since returning to Konoha just a few months ago, Sasuke had been feeling more like the proverbial "dead last" than any kind of genius.
In reality, perhaps there was a third reason that made Sasuke want to live, or at the very least, avoid his untimely death. Maybe because he was reticent to leave his teammates behind again. Oftentimes, when he was staring out of the window on a rainy afternoon, he would imagine all of Team Seven dying together, some heroic, tragic war story that would cause civilian women to weep at its poignancy generations after the fact. Sasuke found this macabre pastime extremely comforting.
Sasuke stifled a sigh, and then realized that an awkward silence had descended on the room. "So..." Sasuke began slowly, not really sure where to begin, "I..."
"You almost died, you stupid idiot," Sakura spat out; in a moment, she blushed at her sudden outburst.
"So. I almost died..." Sasuke slowly reiterated.
"Looks like he still understands the Japanese language," Naruto intoned with false mirth.
Sasuke began, in a gravelly voice, "What...?" What the fuck happened out there?
Naruto, understanding the unspoken question, jumped in. "Well you see, when we were protecting the clowns from the rogue circus midget, you slipped on one of the clown's banana peels, and then a herd of elephants walked all over you and broke your arms!"
Sasuke blinked. "Can someone...please smack me? I think I'm having one of those dreams again."
Sakura held Naruto's over-eager hand. The blond looked at her mournfully, as if she had just taken away his ramen flavored candy. Sakura rolled her eyes and continued the thread of conversation, "And then the circus midget, who happened to be a psychopathic water jutsu user, was trying to bust a hole in my chest cavity...and you ran in front of me and took the bullet." Sakura's voice grew soft at that last bit.
What? Sasuke, Uchiha Sasuke, recently returned ex-S-classed-rogue-ninja, had had a brush with death at a carnival freak show? Defending Sakura? Sasuke's vision began to swim, and he had to close his eyes before he was subsumed in the vertigo. "That...sucks."
"Yep, sucks to be you bastard—Ouch! Sakura! That hurt!"
Sakura shook her head and smacked the idiot again for good measure. "Sasuke. Thank you..."
The idiot, finally turning serious, murmured his agreement. "Yeah teme, you really came through there..."
"I just can't believe. That I was defeated. By circus elephants," Sasuke replied haltingly, horror evident in his voice.
"Don't forget the rogue circus midget that shot you in the chest. Dude, that guy was Bad Ass, capital B, capital A!" Naruto chimed.
Sasuke blinked. "I was critically injured...by a circus midget."
Sakura nodded solemnly and added, "A rogue circus midget. Actually, he was a rogue ninja from Mist who was mascaraing as a circus midget."
"He was a real midget though. Tiny but deadly," Naruto added in a serious tone.
"Yes Sasuke?" Sakura asked, concerned.
"Can someone please, please, smack me?"
Sakura sighed and restrained Naruto once more from hitting the patient. "No Sasuke, wait until you're better and then we'll both be happy to smack you," she deadpanned. "We should let you get your rest Sasuke...is there anything that you need before we go?"
Sasuke closed his eyes and thought. He would have liked his friends to get him a new PR agent to do damage control on his now tarnished reputation, but he supposed it was already too late. If he had been unconscious for three days, surely the word of his ignominious demise would have spread like a nasty venereal disease throughout Konoha already.
He would never get laid in this town again.
(Not that he got laid before in Konoha...but he didn't bother himself with that teeny, tiny detail.)
Sasuke was about to say that there was nothing he needed, but then his stomach rumbled. Damn.
"Oi! We forgot! We totally brought you tomato soup!" Naruto bellowed.
Sasuke winced at Naruto's shrill tone. "Thanks."
Sakura smiled at that and set out the soup on the end table while Naruto replied loudly, "Go ahead! Dig in!"
Sasuke shot the blond a death glare while Sakura giggled. "Dobe. I can't use my arms. I don't suppose you brought a straw?"
Naruto shook his head. "Ooops! No. Sakura?"
"Oh no! The hospital kitchen is closed by now! I'm so sorry Sasuke!"
Sasuke simply pouted while Naruto shouted, "Hey, this is great! We'll have to feed the teme, just like when you guys fed me after the bell test! That'll be fun!"
"No. Thanks, no, not really that hungry," Sasuke protested mopishly as his stomach continued to rumble.
Naruto grabbed the spoon from the table, loaded it up with soup, and blithely shouted, "Here comes the airplane! Zoom! Open up Sasuke! Oi, come on bastard, open up your fucking mouth!"
Sasuke resolutely held his mouth closed and glared at his blond teammate, who at this point was trying to shove the tomato soup into his mouth. Unfortunately, injured or not, Sasuke was still a stubborn bastard, and his lips would not give; instead, tomato soup spilled onto the white hospital sheets, staining them like fresh blood.
"Idiot," Sakura muttered, "let me do it."
"Aw, come on Sakura that was fun— Oi! Hey, that hurt!"
"Give me the spoon and no one else has to get hit," Sakura replied in a saccharine sweet voice.
"You mean, if I don't give you the spoon, maybe you'll hit the teme instead— OUCH! Fine, fine, here's your precious spoon. Geez." Naruto muttered something under his breath about the whole lot of them being jerks and handed Sakura the spoon.
"Sasuke," she murmured to the Uchiha who still had his mouth closed as if it were stapled shut, "will you open your mouth and eat if I promise not to do the airplane crap?"
Sasuke nodded, still sulking.
"Awesome." Sakura began spooning tomato soup into Sasuke's mouth, who ate it greedily. After a moment though, she started to giggle.
"I'm sorry... It's just I thought about the whole airplane thing as I was feeding you. It was kind of funny..."
The next time Sakura's spoon came in for a "landing," Sasuke didn't open his mouth and instead glowered up at Sakura.
"Oh come on Sasuke! Is it a fucking crime to think about saying that the airplane is coming in for a landing?"
Sasuke was about to give a verbal response; he caught himself though at the last minute, and lest Sakura take advantage of him opening his mouth to speak to shove her god forsaken airplane down his throat, he continued to close his mouth and nodded 'yes' to her question.
"Sasuke! Come on! Please? You like...saved my life from a homicidal circus midget—"
"A rogue, homicidal circus midget," Naruto added.
"So please," Sakura continued, ignoring the blond, "let me show you my gratitude via this tomato soup? I promise, I won't think about patronizing or puerile thoughts while I feed it to you."
Sasuke looked up at Sakura. Finally, he muttered, "You promise?"
"I swear on my honor as a shinobi," Sakura replied gravely.
The Uchiha sighed and then nodded his consent. Sakura commenced to feed him without any comment, but soon, her eyes squinted, and the corners of her mouth twitched.
"You're thinking about it again," Sasuke drawled.
"I am not!" Sakura retorted hotly.
"Duh Sakura, I'm no mind reader but even I can see you're thinking about it," Naruto replied mischievously. "Come on Sasuke, open up the gate! Here comes the wittle airplane— Oi! Sakura, the fuck! You're going to leave a bruise on that arm!"
"I was NOT thinking about it. Ok! So just shut up Naruto," she said as she scowled at the blond, who cowered in fear, "and YOU, you just open your mouth and eat this soup!" she roared at Sasuke, who remained nonplussed.
"Fine. Just don't think about—"
"I'll think about whatever I damn well please! Now eat your soup!"
Sasuke gulped. "Fine."
The rest of the soup was fed to the invalid without further incident.
"Now Sasuke," Sakura intoned wearily, "is there anything else you need before we go?"
Sasuke chewed the inside of his lip.
"Come on bastard, yes or no?" Naruto stated as he rolled his eyes.
Sasuke looked between his two teammates and grimaced.
Sakura ground out, in the most patient voice that she could manage, "Sasuke-kun. You saved my life. Please let me know if there is anything else that you need, and I'll totally help you, whatever it is."
"I really have to pee," Sasuke blurted out.
Sasuke continued in an undertone, "And I can't bend my fucking arms."
Naruto made a choking sound, but Sakura kept her face expressionless. "Don't worry Sasuke," she replied evenly as she elbowed Naruto quite forcefully in the ribs, "I'm a professional—"
"On one condition," Sasuke mumbled.
"On one condition what, Sasuke?" Sakura asked, confusion evident in her voice.
"I'll let you help me pee if I can erase your mind afterwards with genjutsu."
"Oi, teme, why can't I just help you? We're both dudes."
Sasuke shook his head. "No way man. You're gay."
Naruto stared at him, then broke out in hysterical laughter; Sakura hid her giggle with her hand. Finally, after gaining control of himself, Naruto stated to a frowning Uchiha, "Teme, for your information, I'm bi. Gah! How many times to I have to tell you? Anyway, you're not worried that I'll fondle your dick in the bathroom, are you?"
Sasuke closed his eyes. "Listen. I'm going to get a fucking bladder infection if I wait any longer. Sakura? Please?"
Sakura took a deep, steadying breath. "Sasuke, is genjutsu really necessary—"
"But Sasuke, I've seen penises before, I'm a doctor after all—"
"Sasuke, I'm not comfortable with you erasing my memory!"
Sasuke took a deep breath. "I saved your life?"
Sakura slapped herself in the face with the palm of her hand as Naruto retorted, "Sasuke, just let me help you pee—"
"Sasuke, even if I am bisexual, I'm not going to molest you—"
"Sakura. Please. I can't hold it in much longer."
Finally, Sakura took a look at her pitiful teammate and smiled kindly. "Fine. And tomorrow, I'll find some kind of apparatus to help you urinate so we don't have to do this again."
Next to her, Naruto snorted. "Dude, when you take a dump, someone is going to have to help you wipe your ass—"
Sasuke turned a stunning shade of puce as he interrupted, "I swear to Kami, Naruto, I'm not going to shit until my arms are mended."
Sakura rolled her eyes. "It's going to be at least three weeks until your arms are healed, Sasuke—"
"Doesn't matter. I can hold it."
"That's not healthy, Sasuke," Sakura muttered.
"Dude, I always knew you were one constipated bastard— Oi! Sakura! That smarts!"
"Shut up idiot. You're not being helpful. Sasuke, let's go take care of your bladder, and tomorrow, we'll work out something for you for when you have to shit."
"Gods. I hate my life."
"Oi, Sasuke! I just thought of something! If you can't use your arms, how are you going to jerk off— Hey! God damn it Sakura! That fucking HURTS!"
"Fuck you, asshole," Sasuke seethed. "This sucks."
"Suck it up, Uchiha," Sakura sighed as she helped Sasuke out of bed, "let's do this. Naruto! You stay here!"
"Aw, but I thought this was a Team Seven thing—"
"Tch. Dobe. You just want to ogle my package."
"Bastard! I want to help! Come on, like Sakura won't ogle! Dude, I bet you'll even let her cop a feel— Oi! GOD DAMN IT SAKURA, YOU JUST GAVE ME DEAD ARM!"
"Naruto, I'm going to fucking kill you if you make one more sound. Sit down in that chair and shut up."
Naruto was about to say 'Yes Ma'am,' but thought it would be better to fully comply with Sakura's request for silence, and merely squeaked as he sat down on a folding chair. Gritting her teeth, Sakura supported Sasuke's weight as they both walked into the bathroom.
"How do you want to do this?" Sakura asked in her professional doctor voice, the one that brooked no nonsense and yet let patients feel comfortable.
Sasuke exhaled slowly and experimentally put his arm out towards his fly. He didn't get further than one inch out in front of his body. "God damn it," he muttered. He tried the other arm, but that was the one with the broken wrist, and it had even less mobility than the other one. "Sakura? Maybe you could just kill me now..."
"Idiot. I didn't go through all that trouble of pulling two all-nighters, patching you together and exhausting my chakra, just to kill you now."
Sasuke blinked. "You did that?"
Ignoring him, Sakura strapped on a pair of gloves.
"Wait. You're going to wear gloves?"
"Well, yeah, that's what doctors do."
Sasuke made a face. "I don't have cooties or anything."
Sakura rolled her eyes and chucked the gloves in the trash, no longer having the patience to argue with her stubborn mule of a teammate. "Fine, have it your way."
"I'm sorry...just the gloves felt so...sterile. I don't want to be handled like I'm a piece of raw meat infested with salmonella or something," he mumbled self-consciously.
Sakura ignored Sasuke, crept up behind him, and put her arms around his waist. "Just...pretend I'm like your mother. Or something."
"Sakura? That's not going to help. In fact, I'm creeped out by the fact that my mother might come back from the dead and molest me," he deadpanned.
"Never mind. Just shut up and let me whip it out."
"So much for professionalism—"
"Do you want me to rip off your dick and shove it so far up your ass it'll come out your ear? No? I didn't think so. Now be quiet." Sakura took a deep breath and undid Sasuke's fly, and as she did so, she instantly regretted her angry (and violently disturbing) words. "Sasuke...I'm sorry. I would never rip off your dick and shove it up your ass. You know that, right?"
"Can we just...pee?"
Stifling her laughter, Sakura gently found Sasuke Junior and pointed it towards the toilet. It was kind of little...and wrinkly...and cute, like a newborn puppy. Though she had always thought it would have been bigger...
After a about a minute of no peeing, Sakura ventured, "Sasuke? You can go ahead and—"
"Performance anxiety," Sasuke ground out between his clenched teeth.
"You want me to...I dunno, run the tap or something?"
"No. Yes. Gah."
Sakura carefully reached behind her with her free hand and turned on the water. Dear gods, please let this work! Sakura moaned inwardly.
After a moment, she could feel Sasuke relaxing. All right! This is it! He's finally going to pee and end this torture!
Suddenly, there was someone banging on the door. "Fuck, are you guys making out in there! I told you that Sakura would try and fondle you, bastard! Come on, don't leave me out! Threesome! Threesome—"
"NARUTO! IF I HEAR ONE MORE PEEP OUT OF YOU, I WILL CHOP OFF YOUR BALLS AND FEED THEM TO AKAMARU! I'M NOT JOKING!" Sakura roared.
There was a muffled "eeep" on the other side of the door, and then finally, there was silence.
Before she could stop herself, she muttered, "I always thought holding your dick would be more sexy than this."
"Well excuse me for taking a bullet for you."
"Come on Sasuke, don't be so serious. And I didn't mean your dick wasn't sexy...I just meant that this is all just horribly awkward, so don't get your panties in a twist."
"OH MY GOD! YOU JUST SAID SASUKE'S DICK WAS SEXY!" Naruto wailed from the other room.
"God damn it! Just ignore him Sasuke. The door's locked. Just..."
"I'm trying! I'm trying, ok! You try being a gimp with your dick in someone else's hands trying to pee, while some voyeuristic jerk-off listens in from the other room, ok? It's not that easy!"
Sakura sighed. "Ok. I'm sorry Sasuke, and I in no way am judging you about this experience. Honest." Sakura took a deep breath and intoned in her best impression of a hypnotist's voice, "Ok Sasuke-kun, think about rainfall. The pitter patter of rain on the window sill. A raging waterfall. Um...the ocean lapping at your feet..."
At that, Sasuke— or rather, Sasuke Junior— got hard. Sakura's mouth opened in a little 'o' of horror and she dropped his junk, which now no longer resembled a cute, curled up, wrinkled puppy: in fact, Sakura was surprised at how large it got, and she watched in morbid fascination as it rose, as if with hydraulic pressure.
"I'm sorry. I have a thing...about the ocean..." Sasuke muttered lamely, his cheeks aflame.
Sakura blinked. God damn it Uchiha, why do you have so many weird kinks and hang-ups? Sakura willed herself to remain as professional as she could and murmured, "Ok. If you want me to help aim, you're going to have to think unsexy thoughts. Tsunade in a bikini. Monkey rape. Sasori humping a puppet—"
"It worked on the first one. No need to go to Sasori, seriously. I've seen that shit and it is not pretty."
Sakura's mouth opened in an 'o' of horror once again.
"I'm about to piss all over myself."
"Oh! Sorry!" Gingerly, she held Little Sasuke and aimed. In no time at all, Sasuke finally, finally peed. And peed. And peed...
Well, I guess he was passed out for three days...must have stored up a lot of fluids...
When he was finally finished about five minutes later, Sakura gently shook out Sasuke's little man and hurriedly zipped up his fly. "There, that wasn't so bad, now was it?"
"Hum?" she asked as she washed her hands.
"That was god awful."
"Not my fault you got turned on, Uchiha. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that maybe, just maybe, you still have a thing for me," she teased. Sakura fought hard to contain her blush; she wasn't usually so forward with the Uchiha, but she felt like anything she could possibly do or say now could never be as embarrassing as what they had just experienced: it gave her a kind of and-the-devil-may-care attitude.
"Tch. As if you'd date me after witnessing that train wreck."
"Sasuke," Sakura murmured as she lathered up her hands with extra soap, "your dick is not a train wreck."
Drying her hands with a sigh, Sakura turned back towards her angsty compatriot and shouldered his weight again in order to help him back to bed. "Sasuke. I know you've only recently returned to the village, and that we just had an...awkward moment, but you know I'd freakin date you. I've been wanting to date you since we were kids."
"OI! YOU'RE TOTALLY HITTING ON HIM! HOW IS THAT FAIR! SAKUUUUUURAAAA!"
"Naruto! Shut up! You're ruining the moment!" Sakura groaned as she opened the door.
"Damn it! I could have been groping that shit, and then I'd get a date with— Ow! Sasuke! You shouldn't be kicking me in your condition!" Naruto moaned.
"Sakura. Once I get out of this hell hole, I'll take you on a proper date. It's the least I could do...after..." Sasuke mumbled, completely ignoring Naruto.
Sakura smiled. With newfound courage, she gently slapped Sasuke on his derriere, making the Uchiha stiffen with surprise, before she replied, "Sounds good."
Naruto began to pout. "Awwwww—"
"Naruto, you can come too," both Sakura and Sasuke groaned in unison.
Naruto wagged his eyebrows suggestively. "You mean I can come with you?"
Sakura hit him the the shoulder while Sasuke kicked Naruto in the shins. "Oi! Guys! Come on! Don't be such fucking killjoys!"
"Dobe. Shut the fuck up."
"Aw, come on! Sakura, you'd totally be down for a threesome, wouldn't you?"
Sakura giggled and after an exaggerated pause, retorted, "Well, I guess it all depends how drunk you get me, Naruto-kun."
Sasuke paled significantly while Naruto fisted the air with happiness. "YOSH!"
Sasuke mused to himself that, in his absence from Konoha, it was possible that his teammates had become kinky freaks: he began to fear for his life. But then all of Team Seven broke down into hysterical laughter, and when he finally managed to get back into bed, and his friends bid him farewell, he thought to himself that perhaps his life was not so abysmal after all. At least he had two, albeit weird, friends he could depend on...even if he would never admit this fact out loud.
a/n I promise that I will update "Song of Aether" later this weekend! PROMISE!
Until then, please let me know how you liked this one shot via your kind review:) Thanks dears!