Hello sweeties, I have another little one-shot for you that just popped into my head while I was watching 'Sex and the City' the other day. Also largely inspired by something Alex Kingston mentioned in her Craig Ferguson interview. Haha. Anyone who's seen it will know exactly what I'm referring to when they read this lol ;) Not to be taken seriously, just enjoy and please please pleeease leave me a little review at the end if you did! :)
The Doctor slowly wakes up and blinks blearily, taking in his surroundings. In his sleepy state it takes him a few moments to recall that he's in River Song's bed, in River Song's sometimes house (when she fancies a break from prison-living for a week or so, he's gathered), and then he remembers why he'd been so tired he'd fallen asleep here in the first place and a smile comes to his lips.
He realises it's morning, judging by the light streaming through the gaps in the closed curtains, and possibly quiet late morning too taking into account the absence of his bed partner and he idly wonders how long she's been up and he asleep.
In no great hurry, the Doctor finds his trousers and a shirt and throws them on before making his way, bare foot, out of the room and down the stairs. He hears the sound of a television and so heads in that direction.
The door to her living room is open ajar, and when he pushes it all the way open he sees a head of curly hair peeking out over the top of the sofa that is facing away from the door.
"Morning sweetie," she says without turning to look at him.
He vaults over the back of the couch to land next to her with an almighty thud. "Good morning!" He greets her cheerfully.
"Mind the sofa sweetie, you'll break it bouncing on it like that," she chides him good-naturedly.
"That's not what you said last night," he grins, and leans over to press a 'good morning' kiss to her cheek.
She swats him playfully. "Oh you."
They are silent for a few moments; River is clearly already engrossed in whatever is on the plasma and the Doctor watches quietly to find out what it is. He raises his eyebrows when he cottons on.
"Are you watching Sex and the City?"
"No I'm watching Tom and Jerry they just upped the rating considerably." She replies snidely.
"…Whyare you watching Sex and the City?"
"It's my favourite show."
The Doctor stares at her in disbelief for a few moments.
"Sex and the City!"
Not taking her eyes off the screen she answeres with some annoyance. "Yes."
"…Out of all of space and time, every planet, every century ever to have been, your favourite television programme is a nineteen nineties earth show about the sex lives of four women in New York?"
"The nineteen nineties was the best for television. And don't forget this is the era I grew up watching."
"The best! How can you say that?"
"This was when television programmes were just that, and they're better for it. Anything after about two thousand and fifty is just so wrapped up in how many special effects it can jam into fourty minutes the content of the show itself is just rubbish."
"But River! In the sixtieth century there's television programmes that don't need a television! They just happen around you - and you can join in if you like! And what about when 5D is first invented in thirty-eighty-two! The programmes that follow are mind blowing - Holiday in the Sun! How can you not like holiday in the sun it literally gives you a holiday in the sun when you watch it - and and in the fifty-ninth century when -"
"Yes alright, I know Doctor, I get that you like all that rubbish, you're a man you're supposed to -" He opens his mouth to interrupt but she cuts him off, continuing; "But I'm a woman, and I like Sex and the City, and I'm watching it now so can you please either shut up if you're staying or go and rant somewhere else!"
The Doctor huffs into silence, slumping down in the sofa slightly as he crosses his arms. Beside him, River rolls her eyes.
He is quiet for about a minute and a half before muttering, "this is so unrealistic."
River huffs loudly and ignores his comment.
Another minute passes, then, "who writes this? I can't believe somebody got paid to write this rubbish."
River smacks his leg irritably. "Be quiet!"
He lasts another two minutes before what is happening on screen becomes unbearable for him to watch without blurting out, "oh come on - this is just ridiculous! This programme is ridiculous and it's portraying women very badly I don't know why you like it, I mean, she's refusing to come out of her house because she's got a…with a - …" he stumbles awkwardly.
"Vibrator?" River says helpfully.
"Yes! I mean…who would do that it's absurd!"
"Oh I don't know," River replies breezily, her eyes still on the screen. "The rabbit was quite an invention and this was early days for it. I'm not sure I was too sociable for a few days when I got my first one."
River continues watching after, what was on her part, her casual comment, and it takes her a few minutes for her to realise the Doctor's eyes are on her and she turns her head to see him gaping at her with eyes wide with shock. She frowns. "What are you looking at?"
"I can't believe you just said that!" He splutters.
"The - thing - about the…thing!"
She raises an eyebrow.
"Why not? Is there something wrong with me owning a rabbit?"
"You…yes! You…and can you not call it that!"
"Why not? That's what it's called sweetie. And if this conversation is embarrassing you I suggest you drop it and shut up."
"It's not embarrassing me," he lies, "I'm just…shocked, is all!"
"Sweetie, in case you haven't figured it out yet although I'd have thought you would have by now, I do actually have a healthy sex drive, and I am in prison most of the time you know Doctor, and have been and am set to be for quite a while yet; you don't really think I just sit there and wait for you to show up all the time do you?"
"But - you…yes! You're…What? I can't believe you actually…! And in prison? They have cameras River!"
"Can you be quiet," she snaps irritably. "I'm missing all of this thanks to you!"
"They have cameras!"
He repeats, outraged now at the thought of some filthy prison guards being able to watch his River while she -
"Obviously I loop the cameras Doctor, do you think I'm an idiot - how do you think I manage to escape so often? Now will you shut up?"
"River, I can't believe you've just told me this, how do you expect me to be quiet after revealing that sort of information to me!"
"Because I'm telling you to!" She snaps.
He is quiet for approximately thirty seconds.
"Where do you keep it?"
"Your rabbit! Don't they do searches in prison?"
"Yes, they do," she grinds out, now very, very irritated, "and they have never found three guns, a vortex manipulator and a stash of hallucinogenic lipstick in five years, suffice to say I don't have any problems hiding a vibrator from them."
Another short pause.
"You are a very bad girl."
"Thank you, Doctor."
Yet another pause.
"Do you have it here?"
"Alright, fine!" She finally huffs. "I'll make a deal with you! If you be quiet and let me watch the end of this," she leans in close to him to murmur in his ear, making her voice low and sultry, "I'll show you my rabbit." She drops a kiss to his ear. "Deal?"
The Doctor swallows heavily.
"Why would I want to see it?" He asks, his voice coming out a bit strangled.
She shrugs as she moves back, her eyes turning back to the screen. ,"Just thought you might like to find out how it works sweetie. I know how you love new toys."
The Doctor is silent. River bites the inside of her lip to keep from grinning - she can practically hear his shock and the wheels turning in his head.
"I'll be quiet." He rasps out, finally falling into immediate silence.
River laughs. "Good."