I..it's done.. IT'S DONE! HAHAHAHAHA XD! sorry... going crazy ^^' thank you to my amazing beta-reader Booboobitxch666 love you! I also love all of my readers who have been complaining about this chapter! Yes I know it's been a decade xD But I'm glad to see you are still here for me ^^ Also thank you too MoonlightatDusk for giving me my 100th review! I finally hit it :D So.. without further ado, here is chapter 8 ^^!
Veto - Cannibal
"I'm so tired of this"…
… They were such sad, tired, hopeless words.
"Tired of what"?
… Questioning, curious, caring words.
"This; me feeling like this... I used to be such a positive person and now… I…I'm just tired"…
… sad, tired, hopeless answers.
"Onodera… what happened? Why did you wait so long to come here? Why do you feel like this"?
… Again; questioning, curious, caring questions.
"I…I just had a bad day, I wasn't feeling too well and I… I c…c…"
"… cut yourself again".
I finished his sentence. I knew it was too much for him.
He bows his head in shame, anger and I believe; disgust.
"I'm so hopeless"…
"You're not hopeless Onodera… you're just broken; but I'll do anything for you, I'll try to fix you again".
"Onodera, you should eat more".
It had only been a week since Onodera showed up at my apartment that night, soaked to the bone. After we had been in the bathtub where I brought him, and we had talked; I carried him to my bed were we slept. He had fallen asleep in the bathtub, after talking… leaning against my chest.
Onodera spent Tuesday at my place, when I left for school; he stayed at home saying that he wasn't feeling too well and that he didn't want to go to school. When we were in the tub, I noticed just how thin he was. I was even more concerned when I carried him, and noticed he was as light as a feather.
"It's okay Takano-san, I just don't have a big appetite and unlike you I don't eat even if I'm not hungry" he answered with a small smile on his lips. Though I could see in his eyes, he couldn't believe his own lie. He was still the same Ritsu from high school, but I had noticed that before the Ritsu I knew him as, would always deny being flustered or annoyed or needing anything or anyone, this Ritsu however wasn't scared of telling you how he felt… it still showed on his facial expressions and especially in his blush, and he wouldn't deny it. He would though still go out of his way, to be sure of other peoples comfort before his own. This is why he is lying to me, but I don't want to point it out to him; because what I also learned later on in our relationship in high school, was that Ritsu had a temper, and wasn't afraid to bite.
I knew Ritsu wasn't anorexic or bulimic because I've seen him eat, and I haven't noticed or heard any suspicious things when he's in the bathroom. He just… lets things wait for when he really wants it or needs it. It wasn't like we were acting like a couple or anything like that. After Tuesday he went home to his own apartment again, and I first saw him again Friday. When we were finally together, we just spent our time speaking about books, me smoking a cigarette and him just staring off in space. We were quite frankly just some poor losers. Shisuik came over again Saturday afternoon, where Onodera and I had slept on the couch, after I helped him with some of his math homework (damn, bad memories).
Shisuik announces that he has some new pot off the market and that he brought some so we could try it out. Onodera is looking at us, like we just found a cure for cancer, and he wants to know more.
"C...can I try"?
"No" I answer stiffly there's no room for any more questions, but he asks anyways.
"Why not Takano-san? I've tried it with you before"? He sounds indignant, and a little pissed truth be told; he really doesn't want to let it go huh…
"Because one time is enough Onodera, I don't want you to get addicted to this stuff".
"Oh come on Takano-san, let the boy try some, it's just pot". Ha Shisuik, just pot? Fuck, it's that stuff that made me want more, made me want something stronger, and now you are offering it to a kid who is more mentally unstable than I am? I look at Onodera again a light blush paints his cheeks.
"Onodera, I can't tell you no, I mean it is your choice in the end… But, I don't want you to get caught up in this".
Onodera looks at me with a puzzled look, I'm sure he doesn't understand what I mean, but for now, the only thing I can do is give him a choice.
"I…I can take care of myself Takano-san, anyways as Shisuik-san said 'it's just pot'"…
Sigh… Onodera how can you be so blunt in this kind of situation?
"Fine; then it's okay". Fuck why did I agree? But what other choices do I have? Onodera is his own person, not even my lover or boyfriend… he's just a friend. At least that's what it is supposed to look like; a difficult task when I feel so much more for him.
"Great! Then let's light this baby up, and get higher than the night sky"! Shisuik exclaimed with a much cheerier voice than a 'non-addict' should hold towards pot. In all the time I have known Shisuik, he always told me that he wasn't an addict. "A good dealer never samples his own product" he said to me once.
Shisuik lit the so called baby, and puffed on it a couple of times, before passing it over towards me.
As I inhale the acrid smoke, I can't help but wonder; how did Onodera become like this? He's nothing like the little puppy he was back in high school; where did this reckless young man come from? He's leaning towards the couch; his back facing me, since I'm sitting on the couch. He has his head leaning back towards the couch cousins, and his eyes are closed. Shisuik has left the living room and is now sitting in the kitchen, doing what? I don't really know.
I can't help but feel peaceful, when I look at Onodera's peaceful face while he slowly relaxes. It's his turn now to smoke, but I have an idea to make this a little more fun.
"Onodera, come here a second".
Onodera opens his eyes and looks at me; a puzzled look on his face, but complies I motion for him to come up and sit by me.
"Just sit there, and open your mouth a bit okay"?
He looks even more puzzled than before, but complies anyways. Without words I lean close to his face, and inhale deeply. I lean close enough our lips are barely brushing each other. I can almost taste the sweetness of his lips. I exhale into his mouth, open my eyes and watch as Onodera inhales the smoke as I breathe it out. It's almost unbearable to watch my ex-boyfriend, lover, kohai, my little Ritsu, playing this dangerous game with me, but another part of me can't forget how incredibly seductive it is to watch him inhale and exhale my smoke. His eyes are closed and relaxed, and as he exhales the smoke it surrounds me and I fall into a small trance of my own. I think of a world where nothing is what it looks like. A world where I can do whatever the fuck I want, where there isn't a Saga-Senpai or Oda, broken hearted misunderstandings, or surnames, a world where there is only Ritsu and Masamune. There is no past, no love declarations, and no objections, there are no breakups, and there are no tears, no broken hearts, no…
"Takano-san"? I'm brought out of my smoky thoughts and my eyes open and lock gazes with Onodera's emerald orbs.
"Shisuik-san left about 10 minutes ago, and you've been kinda out of it for 5 minutes, what happened"?
Yeah… what the fuck did happen? I usually never react this way to only smoking pot, but I guess the stress has taken its toll on me. I look around in the living room and notice that the joint is smoldering in the ashtray, half smoked and almost dead.
"Why didn't you smoke more Onodera"? I look and him and he only shrugs and answers, "I wanted to wait for your turn. I'm still new at this and I didn't want to smoke by myself so I was waiting for you but you were just staring at nothing."
I notice that his eyes are glazed and unfocused, but the pot hasn't taken its full effect on him yet, either he'll be gazing around the living room in 3 minutes and look like a mentally handicap who can't find his toy, wondering what the hell is going on, or he'll be laying on the floor laughing his ass off. I hope it's the latter, since I always thought that kind of high was a waste of pot.
"May I ask you something Takano-san"?
"Yes of course".
"H…have you ever been called disgusting"?
Fuck… where the hell did that come from?
"Ehm no, not that I recall, but can I ask why you're asking me Onodera"?
I look back at him uncertainly; I can't read people and especially not Onodera when he's like this. Back in high school he was an open book everything he thought or felt was laid out before you plain on his face, no matter how much he tried to hide it, but what I've learned in the past week is that now he is quite the contrary. This Ritsu isn't afraid of showing who he is, but it's about reading him right or he seems stony and brooding. Every single thing he does in his life is as pure hearted and willing as it can get, but there is more to it than it seems. He is not thinking about what he is doing, but rather thinking about why he is doing it, and how it will help others. Onodera doesn't live in the moment, he both lives in the past and in the future and that is his way of living his life. He has goals he wants to reach, or past memories that either fuel him or hold him down.
"It's just because… that Monday when I showed up all drenched and hopeless was because I thought about a bad memory from my past"…
"What was it"?
"I was in love with this guy in high school, and when I saw him I would get all mushy and blushy and I just (couldn't) keep my head straight, and I finally found the courage to tell him how I felt but… a week after I told him, he probably had a bad day and I guess it was my fault somehow, but he just snapped at me and called me disgusting… and even though we actually dated after that, he never told me he was sorry and I can't help but think… am I disgusting"?
He is looking me straight in the eyes, and I swear my heart just skipped a beat. Why didn't I ever tell him I was sorry? Why did I ever think it was okay for me to be so unnecessarily cruel to him? Why did I believe that such a young pure boy could just go on with his life and not remember or be affected by the mean things I said and did to him? and still… why can't he recognize me?
I was about to answer when suddenly…
"I…I'm s...s…sorry about t…that I should never h…a…hahahaha"!
He's laughing! He's actually really laughing right now? He is actually lying on the floor on his back while clutching his stomach because he's… laughing!
"Onodera? Are you okay"?
"Y…yes I am haha! I'm sorry it's just hilarious!" He keeps on laughing and I don't know why, but I'm starting to laugh too.
"W…why hahaha, is it so hilarious"? I can feel my stomach muscles clenching from my laughing and I lie down on the ground next to him and laugh with him.
"B…because I just h…had that totally emo speech just now, a…and now I don't know why but it's so damn funny I'm lau..haha…ghing and I'm laughing even more t…talking about, hahaha, it"!
I decide to not question his choice (well it's not really his choice because it's seriously just because he's really stoned) and just keep on laughing along with him and thinking that maybe this is a good thing? That we can laugh at his past right now even though that he doesn't know it's our past and not just his. And I know that soon something is gonna change this, and all my lies from the past week will be flowing out, but as much as I want to I just can't make myself tell him. I won't; because as long as he knows me like this, there is no 'Saga-Senpai' in me. Only Takano Masamune… A stranger and friend… A good guy; a placebo for past pains he doesn't need to know I was the cause of.
I decided to get Onodera out of the apartment for a bit. I noticed that in the time we had spent together, we had only been outside of the apartment once, and that was when he told me he was going for a walk that rainy evening. After thinking of all the places I wanted to show him or just take him, I decide we should go for a little walk down the streets, to my favorite bookstore. I really want to take him to the library, but being in a library with him would bring too many memories back. The bookstore we are going to, is one of those musty ones that sells old used books, those ones have always been my favorite. Each book has its own story, not just the one within the cover. A personal history and past that grows and changes with the passing of time, always judged for how it looks never for what it contains. I always felt so much like one of those old books. A past of my own that showed everyone looking at the outside angry, torn, unloved, cold, and unapproachable. No one ever thought to look inside and see what might be there; that there might have been something to love. No one except this young man beside me staring at these old books with a reverence and appreciation not seen outside of scholars and literature professors; he saw the cover but fell in love with what was inside. I admire him. I love him.
We arrived at the little bookstore, and when I opened the door for us I was pulled into the past. Why hadn't I ever noticed just how much this store reminded me of the library at our old school?
I feel a moments unease, but ignore it for now and I follow in after Onodera
We were messing around a bit acting like teenagers though we were both technically "young adults", me trying to convince him that buying some Bleach wouldn't make him a manga nerd, buthim saying no; stressing that he only likes literature.
Eventually we get down to business and I am once again drawn into the books. I lose track of time and when I look up from a particularly interesting book I can't see Onodera, I can't find him. Suddenly he was gone. Though it wasn't a big bookstore, finding another person between all of the shelves, was quite the task. I'm starting to panic I think about calling for him when I turn the corner and see him. There he stands at the shelves at the back of the store, where I find him stretching almost comically on his tip toes trying to reach a book on the top shelf. I laugh to myself and stalk over to help him.
He notices my presence and asks what's up. I only reach for his book, smile at him and hand it to him. Onodera takes the book gratefully with a little thanks, looks me in the eyes.
And then time... stops.
The only thing my senses can compute is the sound of Onodera's book hitting the floor.
Onodera's green eyes stare at me terrified, filled with, surprise, sorrow and betrayal.
I can feel my heart stop as understanding floods my mind… He's figured it out.
I can barely breathe; I have to explain before he leaves again I can't bring myself to look away from him. I can't even speak my mouth is open but no sound is coming out. I see him turn and I will my hand to grab him and explain, but my body won't listen I'm paralyzed, I can hear the loud sound of Onodera running, the bell from the door jingling and just like that he's gone. I stand there dread lying heavy in my chest, staring at the door feeling desolate and depressed. I find myself wondering how many times he'll run away from me before I break and will I ever see him again?
So... what did you guys think xD? Haven't started on the next chapter yet; and I don't wanna promise anything ^^ hope you liked it!