He has my face, my voice, and my laugh. He is me. He is a better me… always better. Who am I then? It doesn't matter… in the end, this story will be all about him. AkuRoku. Non-con rape. Yaoi. Gore. COMPLETE.
Note: Okay, some of you may have probably read the story submitted in chapters. If you have read chapter one and are too lazy to read back, press ctrl+F and type in "When my parents were home" and you'll be instantly brought to the beginning of what was chapter 2. If you've read chapter 2, find "Maybe I had gone crazy" and that would be the beginning of what was chapter 3.
Because of ff. net's inferior alert system, I've decided to delete the previous chaptered "Better" and submit this whole completed story in one chapter instead.
And happy Halloween. (:
I was never better… Nothing I did was ever enough… I might as well disappear from this world and no one would notice. This is my life… the pitiful life of Roxas. But I am not telling my story to gain sympathy. I am telling my story to let others know how I have triumphed… triumphed from the people who have condemned and looked down on me… from the person who is eternally better than me and from the very person who has taken everything away from me…
I have a twin. We have the same face, but different hairstyle. So, it is easy to tell us apart. Sora and Roxas… our name… It is a clever play of letters that my parents have thought of. Jumble up the word 'Sora', add an X, and you'll get Roxas. So, my name comes from Sora's name with an addition of an 'X', which is usually used to cross off answers that are blatantly wrong. Which means that… even if I am 'X-ed' off, there will still be Sora.
See, since the day I could remember, it had always been obvious that the world was far too small for both Sora and I—not only that, my parents' love was not big enough to be shared by the two of us. So, Sora was the one who gained from all of this because I was always the odd duck out.
While Sora was talkative and cheerful, the sunshine of everybody's life, not a single word came out of my mouth until my sixth birthday and even then… I didn't speak much. It was as if Sora took away my voice and my smile.
I didn't smile until I was eight. I always either had a pout or a neutral look on my face. I was not like Sora, who consistently and permanently grinned and laughed like a maniac every single day.
I was… different… Bad different.
Even my parents hated how different I was. I didn't have many friends back then… Heck, it would be lying if I said that I had any friends at all. All I had was a rabbit… a small rabbit that Axel gave me on my birthday to keep me company. Who's Axel? Oh yes, I definitely have a long story to tell about Axel. Axel was a year older than me. He approached me at the school's cafeteria when he saw me isolating myself from the crowd every day during lunch.
The first sentence he asked me was, "Hey, you're Sora's brother, right?"
"Yes…" I am certainly Sora's brother.
And that was when our odd friendship started, if you can call it friendship at all. He sat down beside me with his lunch tray, eating lunch with me in silence. We spent every lunch time like that for two months. I never uttered a single word. He only spoke when necessary.
The sad thing was… I didn't introduce myself even after two months have flown by.
"So, Sora's brother…" he said. "What's your name?"
"Roxas… I thought you knew…" I said.
He chuckled. "That was the first time that you utter more than one word in a sentence!" he said, amazed.
I merely nodded then and went back to eat my lunch promptly, not uttering another word.
And things went like that for another 4 months. It was odd… why did he decide to keep me company? Maybe he felt bad for me because I was so lonely and alone…
During vacation, I didn't see Axel for a whole month.
The first day of second grade started and that was when Sora took Axel away. Sora came over one day and started talking to Axel… After that, Axel started having lunch with Sora and friends instead, and I was left all alone at the small corner of the big cafeteria, doing my usual business—eating lunch.
That was when I started to believe that Axel only decided to be my company during lunch because he wanted to get close to Sora… It didn't come off as a surprise for me. In fact, I totally understood Axel's motive. Sora was popular. Everyone wanted to be Sora's friend. Me? Everybody wants to stay away from me.
I was sad… at first… but, I didn't have the courage to ask Axel to come back and be my friend, be my company. I didn't have the right to ask him back. Besides, he might not even want to spend a single second with me at all because he was already friends with Sora.
What have I given Axel? He kept me company, but I never really said anything to him. It was as if I didn't want him there, right? But… that was wrong. It was the complete opposite. I wanted him there. I enjoyed having him there. I just didn't want to say the wrong thing, which would cause him to stay away from me…
But, in the end, saying nothing didn't help at all…
Sora took him away just as how Sora took away all my toys, my stationaries, my new books, my new clothes… Sora took away my new friend—if I could call Axel my friend at all.
And so, everything went back to normal. Sora got an additional friend and I was all alone again.
My birthday was approaching… and that meant that it was also Sora's birthday… and I knew exactly what that meant… Sora's friends will get invited to the birthday party and people will stare at me curiously while I attempt to hide myself in my room, failing miserably, being dragged out by mom who will say that I should be present in my own birthday party.
But, you see… it wasn't my birthday party…
It was Sora's… It was all about Sora.
And trust me… I was never wrong about this.
All the presents were for Sora. There were always two presents for me. One from mom… another one from dad…
All thirty plus other presents? Sora's.
In fact… there was really no presents for me at all… Sora would take away my birthday presents and make them his. He told mom and dad that I didn't like the presents, so I gave it away to him.
My parents believed him. Of course they believed him…
After all, Sora never lies.
And Roxas never said a word.
I didn't want to fight Sora… because in the end, I'd lose. I was merely a Sora that can be 'crossed off' after all…
If Sora is a somebody… I am a nobody.
Axel attended my seventh birthday. He smiled and grinned at me when our eyes met, but I looked away, thinking all the wrong and bad things about him.
Another year went by and nothing changed.
The cafeteria corner had become my corner. Everyone was comfortable with the fact that I minded my own business. No one wanted to have anything to do with me. I didn't know what Sora told them… but whatever he said has been proven successful to alienate me.
It didn't matter though. I liked being alone.
And as long as I didn't possess any new things that Sora liked, Sora would have nothing to steal and I would never be hurt. Everything was great… as great as it could be.
And then… it was my eighth birthday—another birthday party. This birthday party marked the time when I smiled for the very first time. Yeah… I won't forget that day. To be honest, I had expected it to be the same old birthday party, where in the end, everything will be all about Sora.
But…Not this time…
Axel was again, invited to the birthday party. When he walked inside our house, he walked straight to me instead of Sora. He held up a small cage to my face. I blinked, wondering what it was or even… what Axel was trying to do.
"Yes…?" I asked.
"It's for you," his face peeked out from the side, his trademarked grin plastered on his face.
"…" I was dumbfounded.
"Birthday present, silly." He chuckled. "My mom got it for you. But I worked hard for it though! I cleaned the ceiling every week and used my pocket money to buy it for you."
"What is it…?" I asked.
I could feel Sora's stare against the back of my head. I was ready to cower down. I didn't want to get into any trouble with Sora… even though Sora and I didn't talk much… I knew that he was trying to make it obvious to everybody that I didn't matter. That it was only enough to have Sora in this world and that Roxas should be crossed off from existence. I knew that…
It still hurt to know though… that someone wanted you to cease to exist that badly…
"That's three words," Axel grinned toothily. "It's a rabbit. You can name her whatever you want," he smiled and kneeled down on the floor on one knee. He opened the cage and let the small rabbit out.
My lips parted. I was surprised to see a rabbit in front of me. I had never seen one before.
Without knowing it, right then and there, my lips curled up to a small smile. And it was as if time stopped and everyone looked at me with a slight frown on their faces. I quickly swallowed and backed off, my face turned back to its neutral, bored expression.
Axel's grin broadened, as if he was happy to see me smile.
Sora walked over then… "Oh, look! It's a rabbit!" he grinned cheerfully and leaned down to pick the rabbit up to his arms.
"It's Roxas' present," Axel said, voice slightly loud.
"Oh. You're so lucky, Roxas," he smiled, looking at me. "What are you going to name her?"
"…" I went silent. Nothing came to my mind.
"Hey, what about Kairi? We can name her Kairi," Sora smiled, offering help.
"Let Roxas name her, Sora," Axel said, trying to speak up for me.
I looked away. "Kairi's… fine…" I said, pursing my lips.
Kairi… was the name of the girl who used to play with me when I was in kindergarten. She was a bit like Sora and Axel… cheerful, friendly, and kind. But… eventually, for some reason or another, she had to move abroad. And I've never seen her again since. But… even before she moved away… a month before that, she stopped talking to me and had become Sora's close friend. Sora was making fun of me by suggesting that name.
Axel groaned deep in his throat, glaring at Sora.
The rabbit shifts in Sora's arms, seemingly uncomfortable.
I didn't understand why Axel was so… upset. I mean… I was upset too… the bunny was Axel's gift and now… because I can't speak up, Sora got the chance to name the bunny. And far beyond that… there was one more crucial thing that I didn't understand… why did the rabbit seem uncomfortable in Sora's arms?
I took in a deep breath, knowing that Axel would hate me if I didn't do this. I quickly walked over to Sora and snatched the rabbit away from Sora's arms.
"It's mine!" I said, yelling without realizing it.
Sora paused, dumbstruck at my sudden yelling.
I held Kairi gently in my arms. Kairi curled up to me comfortably. Fondly, I pet its back and scratched behind her ear.
Axel smiled, seemingly proud that I finally spoke up.
There was a moment when I looked up at Sora that I saw the dark expression on Sora's face, which nobody except me seemed to notice. It sent shivers down my spines… I was… honestly scared. He walked by and whispered to me… "You'd better watch Kairi closely. Or she might run away again…"
Then, everything went back to normal again. Sora was all smiles and laughs.
I paused there, holding Kairi protectively.
"Roxas, ya okay?" Axel asked, putting a hand on my shoulder.
I jumped. "Yeah…" I nodded, looking at the floor, holding Kairi close.
Time started to pass by and I started talking more and more to Kairi, my rabbit, and of course, Axel. Axel would come by once in a while to visit me. He also began to keep me company during lunch again. Slowly, I opened up to him. Usually, the conversation would be awkward, but I didn't really mind. I felt comfortable with Axel.
"So, how's Kairi doing?"
"Good," I answered.
"Ah… I see."
I nodded. "She's… been eating carrots…" I said.
"I… thought she has always been eating that," Axel chuckled, finding it amusing.
"Yeah… She has… she has also been sleeping on my bed."
Axel nodded seriously. "I see. And you wake up with rabbit poo on your bed?"
I stared at Axel, blinking at him repeatedly. "… there is… Kairi's poo on my bed? Nooo!"
I didn't show much emotion, but I've been trying my best to return Axel's emotion. Whenever he smiled, I would smile back. When he grinned, I would grin, no matter how awkward I think it was. He started calling me the mirror boy because I would mirror his expression back to him. I laughed when he said that.
It was… approximately a month after our birthday…
I remember that it was Friday, 3.45 pm. Sora had to stay home that day because he had a stomach ache in the morning. I walked home alone. My parents didn't stay at home, mainly because Sora said that he would be able to take care of himself and because my parents have this really important meeting that they had to attend.
"I'm home…" I whispered to myself, taking off my shoes and walking into my bedroom. I was curious if Kairi really did poop on my bed, so I immediately ran up to my room to check. I was relieved when I found no such thing. I sighed in relief, sitting down on the floor of our bedroom.
Wait a minute… where'd Sora go? I thought he was sick… And also… Kairi…
"Kairi? Sora?" I questioned, looking around. I crawled around on the floor, trying to see if Kairi was hiding under the bed. There was nobody in that room except for me.
I stood up then and ran around to search throughout the house for Kairi. I didn't really care about Sora. He might have gone off somewhere, for all I know. But… Kairi was nowhere around the house. I ran around, trying to find Kairi.
My legs led me to our backyard. There, I ventured deep into the small forest that was close to my house. I heard little noises… I heard Sora's snickers and labored breathing. I frowned… that couldn't be Sora… right?
Then, I heard hacking and chopping, as if someone was chopping wood… and also there was the sound of something slick and wet. I was really curious then and I kept running closer and closer to the voice. That was when I saw Sora with his back against me. I slowly sneaked around Sora, hoping that he didn't notice me.
When I finally got a clear view, I could feel the blood draining from my face, rushing away to form butterflies in my stomach. Right in front of me was Sora, with a dark smirk on his face, holding a small cutter knife, slowly digging the tip of the knife into Kairi's neck. Blood started spurting and oozing out. I clamped my mouth shut with my hands, legs becoming shaky.
I didn't know what happened after that… but I knew that Sora must have had fun mutilating Kairi. My mind blacked out on me and the next thing I knew, I was already running away from that area. I can feel my own puke in my mouth. Quickly running to the bathroom, I threw up, feeling the acid in my mouth.
Kairi… Kairi was taken away from me again…
When my parents were home, I told them what happened. I told them everything that Sora did to my rabbit. However, they didn't believe me. They thought I was crazy. They thought that I was looking for attention. And I was punished for not looking after Kairi and for accusing Sora of killing a rabbit. I was grounded for two weeks. No TV, no entertainment, and no more pets for the rest of my life.
I curled up to myself in my bed that night, stifling a sob, unable to get the image out of my mind. Then, I felt the other side of my bed sink as someone sit down beside me.
It was Sora. He ran his fingers through my hair.
"Dear brother… why must you be so stubborn?"
I looked over, petrified by the dark look on Sora's face. My whole body trembled when I saw him holding a sharp cutter knife, imagining all the horrible things Sora could do with that small knife.
"Why must you make yourself visible?"
I didn't answer, my throat went dry.
"Everything was so perfect back then… you were just a shadow of me… you weren't there…You were invisible, Roxas."
I kept quiet.
"You saw… didn't you?" he whispered to my ears. Then, he brought the knife to my throat. "You saw what happened, didn't you?" he hissed.
He smirked then, pulling his knife away. "No you didn't… you're just a little liar." He laughed. "Nobody is going to believe you, Roxas. If you're smart, you'd better not say a word about it to anyone else. You hear me?" he yanked my hair then, snapping my head back.
I trembled. "Y-yes, Sora…"
"Good. Kairi's not meant to be yours anyway," he laughed. "I named her and it was my birthday party. That present was supposed to be mine."
"It was from Axel… it was for me…"
"So you can speak now, eh?" Sora narrowed his eyes dangerously. "You'd better listen good to me, little brother," he kept his voice low. He threw me back to the bed and climbed on top of me. The next thing I knew, he was sitting on my hips with both his hands wrapped around my neck.
"And don't make a sound."
I was so terrified that I listened to him.
"If you know what's good for you and for Axel, you'd better stop talking to Axel. If I can't take Axel away from you, you know what will happen, Roxas," he laughed. "The knife won't be pointed at your neck. It will be at Axel's." He started to tighten his hands around my neck.
I choked, trying to breath, feeling uncomfortable, struggling, trying to fight Sora off.
It was when I thought I was going to die that Sora finally let go and got off of me.
"Is everything alright?" Mom peeked inside our room.
Sora didn't say a thing, he stayed quiet.
I sat up then and Sora looked at me with a dark expression. I coughed. "I'm okay, mom… just feeling a bit sick…"
"Oh… Roxas… I'm sorry that I have to have you grounded. But please, stop saying horrible things about your brother. Sora is really worried about you. He loves you, okay? He would never do such a thing to your bunny. … Sleep well, Roxas. Good night." Mom said, retreating from my bedroom, closing the door.
"Good night, mom," Sora smiled.
All I could do was stare at Sora. When the door was closed and mom was out of the room, Sora glared at me.
"One word about this… and you're dead."
And I honestly believed that…
But what I was most afraid of wasn't my pitiful life… It was Axel's…
Sora was always better than me… always…
Sora didn't just take away my voice and my smile… but also my parents, my friends, Axel, my existence… He was always better…
After that whole incident with Kairi, I went mute again. I never spoke a word after that.
"Hey, Roxas! How are you today? You want that apple of yours?" Axel grinned. He knew that I didn't like apples and he was always more than happy to eat mine.
He raised his eyebrows. "You woke up on the wrong side of bed today?"
I looked away. Then, I took my lunch tray and stood up, walking away to the other corner of the big cafeteria, leaving Axel alone.
I did the same thing the next day. Axel would approach me and I would walk away to another corner. He became more persistent day by day, chasing me down from corner to corner. Funnily, nobody said anything about that—about Axel persistently trying to talk and be friends with me. It was funny that nobody cared about me being rude to Axel.
It didn't matter… I would do everything it takes to make sure that Axel was safe.
I was glad that Axel gave up after a week of persistence. At the same time, I could feel the sadness of loneliness looming over me. It all went back to just like 2 years ago.
Sora… there was something wrong with Sora… but no one would believe me even if I told them… and if I told anyone… Sora will kill me—or them… I didn't know which part was worst.
And so, years passed by.
That day marked the first day of school for the second semester of high school. Nothing much changed even after eight years had passed. Well, one thing… or one person changed. Sora.
After that whole ordeal with Kairi and Axel, Sora never did anything too odd. He didn't threaten me or anything anymore and life went on. Sora and I shared the same room until we turned 14. Just last year, Sora finally took over our room and I was moved to the basement. Dad cleared it out to make room for me.
It wasn't exactly a comfortable place to sleep at. Having my room there only caused me to become more isolated to the rest of the house. I hardly ever talked to my parents anymore. Heck, I hardly ever spoke at all, except than to answer the teacher's questions and having to get every day's responsibilities done… I did write though, just to keep myself sane.
I kept a diary which explained in detail what I went through every day of my life being 'Sora's brother.' It wasn't anything worth reading, I assure you. The content was boring… and it mostly described what I have perceived through my eyes, living in silence every single second of my life.
Being quiet had its advantages. There were many things that I saw through my eyes—for example, Sora's darkness hidden beneath his cheerful and carefree demeanor, also Sora's friends who actually hated Sora but stayed his friend.
I did not only perceive, I also listened. In some sense, it made me feel important because I felt that I knew more than Sora. I knew a lot of things that others didn't know.
And I knew… that Axel and Sora had been seeing each other for a year now… Nobody knew. Nobody knew because Sora wanted to no one to know that he was gay.
It was actually funny… to know that Sora was actually gay. It was not like I was homophobic. But someone like Sora, who had threatened me, who took away my existence, was actually gay. It didn't make sense to me at first. But I chose to make a joke of it in my mind.
The fact was… I hated Sora… I really did. I didn't discover this hatred of mine until after I knew that Axel and Sora was together. I liked Axel… What I did in the past was to keep Axel away from Sora. But look at what I'd done… the complete opposite happened.
I desperately wanted to tell everyone about this secret… but I couldn't bring myself to do it. And even if I could… who would believe me, the mute boy who was nothing but a mere ghost? I haven't talked Axel in three years. I saw him every once in a while when he visited my house to hang out with Sora though.
He went to a different middle school. I didn't know that he went to the same high school as Sora and I until after I saw him in the same class as me that fall semester.
Axel's eyes and mine met and I promptly looked away, but I could feel Axel's stare lingering at my face. I busied myself by preparing my books and such to avoid the awkwardness. I didn't care about him… that was a lie. I cared about him. He was the person who made me smile and made me talk more than necessary. How could I not care about him? He was the first person to defend me against Sora. He made me feel like a…person—a person who actually mattered.
Sora was not in the same class as Axel and I—and I bet he was pissed off about that. He liked to make sure that I am always located somewhere where he could see me. He wanted to make sure that I stayed invisible.
"Hey…" Axel spoke, seated at the previously empty seat beside me. Once again, he intruded my corner. "Roxas… right?" he grinned, trying to break the ice. "Man, it's been such a long time."
"… You saw me in Sora's house…" I pointed out the obvious. And once again, he had caused me to speak unnecessarily.
"Ah right… but I didn't actually get a chance to talk to you when I'm with Sora," he smiled warmly. "How have you been?"
I stared out the window. "Okay…" I answered, out of courtesy.
"You're still as quiet as ever… No… you've grown even quieter. Something happened… right? Something happened to that rabbit I gave you?" he whispered.
"That was a long time ago… Kairi ran away and disappeared…" I said.
"Rabbits don't just run away…"
"Right… if you ever want to tell the truth… I'll be here, Roxas."
The truth… I have no idea what the truth was anymore. The truths I had known for years were Sora's truth. In Sora's truth, Sora never mutilated the little bunny; Sora never took away my presents, I had voluntarily given them to him; Sora never took away Axel, I was the one who chose to back away… In Sora's truth, I was a liar. In my truth, Sora was a manipulative and conniving liar.
But my truth never mattered. Not until Axel came into the picture.
But why? What did Axel expect me to tell him? He would never believe me. He was with Sora, for God's sake.
Little did I know that the appearance of Axel in my life would trigger a chain of unfortunate events…
"I heard that you were talking with Axel the other day…" Sora entered my room when I was writing an entry in my diary.
Words sure got out fast… of course, it was odd that I talked to a fellow students. Everyone must be talking about it. "…" I watched him, closing my diary, sitting up on my bed.
"I told you that if you knew what's best, you don't talk to him. What part of that did you not understand?"
"Answer me, you fucking mute."
"He was the one who talked to me first," I answered, staring Sora in the eye. His eyes were filled with hatred—hatred directed towards me.
"Liar! If I hear or see you talking to him again… you're going to get it, Roxas."
"…" He said that I was going to get it instead of saying that Axel was going to be hurt this time…
"Don't play around with me, Roxas. You don't want to do that." And then he walked off, just as quickly as he barged into my room.
I didn't know what he meant then… but it didn't take long for me to find out.
I purposefully ignored Sora's warning. From then on, I've been talking more and more to Axel. The loneliness bugged me and I couldn't live with it any longer. I felt good having Axel as a company. It felt good… just talking to Axel.
"Would you believe me… if I told you that Sora killed Kairi?"
Axel paused, staring blankly at me when I said that. "Tell me everything," he urged.
"That day… Sora stayed at home all alone because he was sick and because my parents had an urgent meeting to attend. When I got home from school, both Sora and Kairi were missing. I went to the small forest near our backyard to look for them. And there was Sora, holding a cutter knife, plunging it into Kairi's neck. There was blood… I didn't remember much after that… all I knew was that I was running out of there, fearing for my life…"
Maybe I was lying… I didn't know… maybe I was dreaming about it. I wasn't sure… maybe… maybe I hated Sora so much that I dreamed of Sora being this horrible this person who would mutilate a rabbit just for the heck of it. I looked away. "Maybe I'm not…" I answered.
And there was silence.
I knew no one would believe me…
Not even Axel…
A week later, Sora barged into my room again. But there was no hateful expression in his face. He was holding a mug filled with hot chocolate. "Hey…" he said.
I blinked, turning to face him from my seat.
"I made hot chocolate. It's kinda cold, made more than I should. This is for you," he spoke, walking over and setting the cup of hot chocolate down on my desk.
It sure smelled good.
He smiled. "Drink it. You have an exam tomorrow, right? Good luck with your study." And with that, he walked out.
… What happened…? I have no idea. The hot chocolate sure looked and smelled good. It was almost winter. It was… strange for Sora to do that though. But he was my twin after all… Happily, I drank the hot chocolate without a single bit of suspicion.
And my eye lids grew heavier and heavier and I fell asleep.
I remember little bits of events happening here and there when I fell asleep after drinking the chocolate. That night… felt like a really, really long night. It was all hazy and blurry and I was heavily drowned by sleep.
However, I remembered being undressed and I remembered seeing Sora's spiky brunet hair. I was drifting in and out of consciousness as I felt my pants sliding out of my legs. I tried to push whoever it was above me away. "No…" I said, trying to fight off the sleepiness, wondering what the heck was going on.
But my whole body was limp, even shifting in my sleep felt really difficult. I felt really weak, helpless, and useless. I didn't know what happened, but I remembered that my legs were lifted up and I could feel stings of pain shooting up my spine. I could feel something, someone… very intrusive… inside me. It was such a weird sensation.
When I woke up the next day, I was completely naked and my bed was rather moist and also, my stomach was sticky with… dried, unknown moisture. I frowned. What was that…? When I sat up, the pain on my lower back was so unbearable that I instantly fell back down on my bed. My buttcheeks were sticky… It felt disgusting.
I reached down, using my fingers to get whatever was inside my butt. I frowned, curious and horrified of what it was. Then I brought my fingers back up to my face and I saw blood, mixed with something white…
It dawned upon me.
I was raped…
That was… sickening.
My head denied that fact. I couldn't have been raped, by whom? By what? I was dreaming. I must have been dreaming…
Sora would never do that…
Then, I noticed a sticky note sticking to my bedside table. Written on it was… "One word about this… and you're dead."
It was Sora's handwriting.
Maybe I had gone crazy. Maybe I was delusional… Maybe I was insane. I didn't know… I really didn't. Even until know, I still have fact and reality confused. Maybe everything was just a dream. Who knew…? Well… Sora knew…
I was wrong. I didn't know everything. I didn't know more than Sora. Sora knew more than me. So much more. It was my stupid confidence that got me into this state. I should have listened to Sora. Now, it was not only the image of Kairi being mutilated that haunted my dreams, but also the vivid imagery of Sora being on top of me, taking me in the depths of darkness.
I wish I was crazy.
I wish I could just forget everything.
I didn't go to my exam that day.
Axel visited, claiming that he was worried about me. I felt better; knowing that at least one person out there was worried about me. "You never missed a single day of class. Especially not when it's examination day," he said. "I was worried that something might have happened to you."
I couldn't tell him what happened. I didn't even know if it happened. I showered and cleaned myself. I didn't think that he would believe me even if I told him. And there was no telling my parents about it. They would send me to the mental hospital if I claimed that I was raped by Sora. Was it really Sora? I had no idea… All I remembered was seeing his spiky brunet hair. All I remembered was something warm penetrating into my body.
Axel looked around that dark, small, pitiful basement which was my room. Funnily, he didn't seem concerned that the basement had been made my room. I thought he would have said something about it, but he didn't. Maybe he thought that such pitiful place was best fitted for someone as pitiful as me. I didn't blame him.
"Is everything okay?" He asked.
"… Yeah, I'm just feeling unwell…" I answered.
"Did something happen?"
I shook my head, wincing a bit as I shifted on the bed. I shifted more, trying to find a comfortable position that would ease the pain. I finally stopped moving after I found a comfortable spot. Axel watched me the entire time.
"You're acting weird."
"You're acting weirder…" I replied, watching him.
It must have been my imagination... but… was that guilt in his eyes?
The following week, Sora came into my room again, offering me a cup of chai latte this time. I was smart enough not to drink it. There was something wrong with the drink that Sora offered me. I couldn't have been that sleepy that I slept through my own rape events.
I was afraid of what might happen that night. I lay restlessly on my bed. Maybe it was a bad idea to have poured the drink outside of my window… If I were unconscious, then I won't know what happened, right? It sends shivers down my spine just knowing of the nightmare that might befall me that night.
But in the end, I fell asleep, exhausted.
That night, I had a dream. There was a huge bazaar in the dream. Little girls were running around with a bucket full of flowers, scattering the flowers about. The whole place was filled with smiles and laughter. It was loud and noisy… but at the same time, it was uplifting. I felt… happy for some reason.
As I took a step, I could hear cheerful melodies coursing through the background.
"Mister, would you like some flowers?"
I smiled and bought the flowers from the little girl. After that, she hopped along. I walked into the bazaar, feeling like nothing could go wrong. I couldn't see myself, but I was sure that there was a huge grin plastered on my face. I kept walking and walking through the crowds.
In the midst of the crowds, I saw Axel. I waved and smiled at him and I gave him the flowers I just bought.
We talked for a while, laughing at each other's jokes. And then, he took me away from the crowds, to a quieter place by the river. I followed him, knowing that I could trust him. There was no doubt in my mind that I trusted Axel. I looked all around and Sora wasn't there. As long as Sora wasn't there, I knew that nothing can go wrong.
We stood by the edge of the river, still conversing and laughing at one another's joke. "Hey, look at that," Axel said, pointing to the other side of the river that wasn't too far away from sight.
I looked up, looking at the direction where Axel's finger was pointing to. My eyes widened at the sight, my face became pale, and my hands turned cold. All of a sudden, I could hear my own screams for help. I saw myself, desperately reaching out. Behind that other me was Axel, who could be heard grunting, his hip pulling back and thrusting forward in a repeating motion.
I looked over to who I thought was Axel, who was supposedly standing beside me. But that wasn't Axel… it was Sora. I wanted to run over—run over to help myself. But my legs felt heavy and my body was limp. I couldn't do a thing. When I looked over to the river, I noticed that my reflection couldn't be seen on the river.
My screams grew louder and louder…
It was deafening.
Then, Sora took out a knife.
And everything went silent as he plunged the knife deep into me.
Who was I?
That was the first question that popped into my head as I was jolted awake, panting, sweating, breathless. I tried to swallow, but my throat was dry. I looked around my room, but there was nothing there except the darkness and I. All I could hear was my own labored breathing.
Unlike my other dreams, I remembered this dream clearly. What was that? Who was I? If I wasn't myself… then who am I?
Most importantly… why did I dream of Axel raping me? Did I like him that much that I fantasize about him raping me…? That would make sense then… the other night was a dream.
There was nobody in my room even after Sora gave me a drink. So, it wasn't Sora…
I didn't know…
I didn't know what the truth was anymore…
And just like that, years passed by and college started. My memories of what exactly happened were hazy. I didn't remember much of what happened for the past few years and I was beginning to forget about my childhood… except for the part where Axel gave me Kairi and when Sora mutilated her.
Aside from that, I knew that my dreams grew more and more frequent and so was Sora's drink offer. Every other night, I would drink whatever drink Sora gave me and I would fall deep into sleep.
As sick as it sounded, I started anticipating the nights that Sora would come over and give me either coffee, hot chocolate, chai latte, or simply tea. Because those nights were the nights where I would sleep like a baby. I would even sleep through my nightmares. Other nights, I would be plagued by nightmares. I would wake up in the middle of the night and I wouldn't be able to fall back asleep anymore.
Every morning, I woke up wet and sticky with unknown moisture. Call me naïve, but I didn't want to acknowledge what was happening. I made myself believe that the nightmares were actually so pleasurable that I woke up wet.
Then… all of a sudden, it was not nightmares anymore. The nightmares became reality.
And I was too afraid to say anything. Call the cops?
Nobody would trust me… nobody would.
The worst of it all…? The one inflicting such pain unto me was no other than…
That was the day that I was about to move out of my parent's house. I worked part time during high-school and I had enough money to move out for college. My parents promised that they would pay for whatever school and rent related fee. So, they were not completely heartless. I was relieved to hear that. Most important of all, I was relieved to know that I was going to move out of the god-forsaken basement and leave my nightmares forever. I'd be moving away from Sora.
That was the plan…
Until Sora decided to attend the same university as me, saying that I needed to be watched and that I couldn't survive by myself out there. So, once again, we're roommates in our new dorm rooms. My parents gladly agreed to Sora's plan, mostly because it saved them money. They didn't need to pay for an extra room for Sora.
Years of being under Sora's thumb finally got into me.
That day, I had a huge fight with my parents which changed my life forever.
"I don't want to go to the same university as Sora," I spoke up.
"Huh?" My mom looked at me with a frown. "What do you mean, Roxas?"
"I've had enough of being with Sora. He took away my friends, my presents, my room, my everything… I don't…"
"You're being ridiculous, Roxas. When did Sora ever do any of that?"
"Every single second!" I yelled, frustrated.
"Enough what, dad? I haven't even said anything yet."
"That's enough coming from your mouth. You're usually quiet, but when you talk, nothing good ever comes out from your mouth."
I was too taken aback to come back with a retort.
"Sora was only worried about you, Roxas," my mom said calmly.
"No. He's not. He wants to make sure that I remain miserable all my life!"
"That's enough, Roxas! Say one more word like that and you're going to have to pay your own rent."
"FINE!" I screamed. "I'll pay for my own rent! I'm old enough to move out. I don't care about this place!" I said, ready to end all the nightmares.
Sora stared at me. He grabbed my wrist before I could walk away. "Roxas, don't be stupid."
"I'm not being stupid, Sora." I hissed, narrowing my eyes. "I know what happened. Every other night, you would come into my room, offering me drinks that have been drugged. God knows what you did to me when I was sleeping. I wake up with cum all over my body and inside my anus, Sora. Only you know what happened."
Sora narrowed his eyes at me. I guess he was surprised because I didn't heed whatever he wrote down on those sticky notes that he left every night.
"Enough, Roxas!" Dad stood up and grabbed my arms. "I think it's high time for us to get you tested!"
I frowned. "Tested…?"
"Tested, Roxas. You have mental illness. You're crazy."
What…? I stared at the man standing before me with an angry frown. What was he talking about? Why was everyone going against me? Why…? Why even my parents? "I'm not crazy! I am not! Sora's the one who's crazy! Can't you see?"
Dad and Mom both shook their heads.
"Sora killed Kairi! Sora… or Axel… I don't know! They raped me! It has been going on for years now! Why won't you believe me?" I screamed, desperate to be heard.
But they kept shaking their heads. I looked over at Sora.
I gasped and jumped when I saw the strange, distorted face of Sora. "Don't come near me!" I screamed at him.
"Roxas… What's wrong?" Sora asked, pretending to be worried.
Lies… Lies… all lies... Why must Sora do this to me? I didn't do anything wrong. All I wanted was a friend. All I wanted was to have someone who would listen to me… All I wanted… was for Sora to get out of my life.
Mom broke down in tears then, crying. "I'm sorry, Roxas. I'm so sorry…" she knelt down in front of me, holding my sides. "I'm so sorry… I knew you were getting worst… but I didn't know it was this bad..."
"What…? I'm not crazy! How many times must I tell you? I'm not… Sora's the one who…"
"We're taking you to see Dr. Flynn tomorrow, Roxas. You'll know if you're crazy or not by then."
"… fine! Do whatever you want!" I yelled and stormed off to the basement.
Why? Why did they insist that I was crazy? Why couldn't they believe me? Why wouldn't they believe my words? Why did they insist on listening to Sora and believing Sora's truth? I was far from crazy. Far from that…
I woke up to the face of Axel. "Axel…" I called out groggily, still feeling sleepy.
"I heard that you had a terrible fight with your family last night."
"They think that you were crazy?"
And as if Axel could read my mind, he answered my question. "I heard from Sora. He told me everything."
Of course… Sora… I sat up, pressing my palm against my forehead.
"Listen, Roxas… I… I heard that you said you were raped by either me or Sora…" Axel looked at me without a grin on his face.
I stared at him. I was hoping that he wouldn't say a thing about it. I would rather live with the fact that I was merely delusional and that nothing happened every night for the past few years. I didn't want to know that Sora and Axel had been sneaking into my room while I was drugged to sleep, taking that chance to violate me. I didn't want to know any of that…
"I don't know why you would say something like that Roxas. I love you… There was a reason why I decided to approach you when you were all alone during lunch. Or why I gave you a rabbit as your birthday present. I was interested in you. You're really cute. You're so different from your brother. Sora's too chirpy and he talks too much. You're so much different from him. The reason why I decided to be with him in the first place is because I wanted to know what happened. I want to know what he did to you. I have a feeling that something is wrong…" Axel reached over and cupped my cheek.
It was so bizarre that events started turning out my way. I didn't understand what happened. I didn't even understand Axel's confession. Nothing made sense anymore. But I didn't care. I was happy to know that there was somebody out there who cared about me, to know that there was somebody who would listen to me.
I didn't know what happened, but the next thing that I registered in my mind was Axel's lips pressed against mine. I sighed into the kiss, closing my eyes, enjoying it. He climbed up on my bed then and gently pushed me down on my mattress. I looped my arms around his neck, kissing him back passionately. He licked my lips, asking for entrance. In response, I shuddered, parted my lips and let him in, eagerly meeting his tongue with mine.
The kiss lasted like that for a while before he pulled away for breath with a trail of saliva. I was panting, looking at him with half-lidded eyes. "Axel…" I whispered, feeling the hardness pressing against my pants. "That was amazing."
"That was nothing…" he groaned to my ears as he slid my shirt up using both his hands, rubbing my sides slowly, sensually. He leaned down and started kissing my neck passionately, leaving marks here and there.
I could feel the heat creeping up my face. "Axel…" I moaned.
He reached down into my pants, took ahold of my length, and began pumping slowly. "Roxas… you're so beautiful," he whispered as he took my shirt off.
I looked away, embarrassed, trying to cover myself.
"No. I want to look at you. Don't cover yourself, Roxas."
I nodded slowly, groaning, pre-cum leaking off the tip of my length as Axel pressed his thumb into my tip. I moaned out at the sensation. The next thing I knew, he pulled my pants and boxers down and I was naked. I licked my dried lips, watching Axel. He began to unbuckle his own pants and slid it down, revealing his own hard erection. He rubbed his hardness against mine and I groaned at the friction.
Then, he reached down, rubbing my entrance. His fingers slick from my pre-cum. Easily, he slid a finger into me. It didn't feel intrusive to me… I guess… I've grown used to it. I didn't like the feeling though. It reminded me of all the nightmares I had, but I didn't push Axel away because I didn't want him to push me away.
"God, Roxas. You make me so hard…" he groaned, positioning himself at my entrance and pushed in without warning.
I closed my eyes, taking in a deep breath, tears forming in my eyes. He kept pushing himself in until he was fully inside. It was such a familiar feeling. My whole body shook… this… this was the same terrifying feeling that I felt every night…
I wanted it to be over soon. I really did.
I pretended to moan and I pretended to enjoy it. Axel started moving inside me, thrusting in and out and a while later, he came inside me. By the time he came, my erection was already limp. I didn't enjoy it the least bit.
Axel… was the person who raped me every night…
There was no doubt about it.
Axel was also lying… but at least, unlike Sora, he believed me.
I was too exhausted that night. I fell asleep as soon as Axel pulled out of me and lay down beside me.
When I woke up in the morning, Axel was nowhere to be seen, but the usual dried, sticky mixture was still there at the same spot in my body. I sighed, doing the usual cleaning ritual, preparing for everything. Early in the morning, I was driven to the psychologist, Dr. Flynn's office for a consultation. My mom went, but not Sora and dad because Sora had to go work his part-time job as a Starbuck's barista and dad had an important meeting to attend.
When I stepped into the doctor's office, the first thing that I noticed in that office was the amount of trophies standing on the table and inside the glass cabinet. There were also awards that were framed and neatly hanged on the wall. He was reputable… that was for sure. I walked over slowly and sat down on the sofa across the table, where I was supposed to sit. My eyes were glued to the floor the entire time. Suddenly, this felt familiar… I felt like I'd been here before. This was not my first time stepping into this office…
But how…? I didn't have any recollection of having been here before. I had never been here before. This was a totally new experience, right…?
A minute or two after I sat down, I finally tilted my head up to look at the doctor. My eyes went wide when I discovered that Dr. Flynn… was actually an older version of Axel in a doctor's coat.
"Axel?" I frowned. "What the… why are you here?"
"Good to know that you still remember me, Roxas." Dr. Flynn smiled.
"Remember you? We just saw yesterday, Axel! You were in my bedroom and we… we made love!" I protested. "And you bailed the next morning!"
Dr. Flynn sat back, blinking at me. "What an… imaginative mind you've developed, Roxas…" his pencils started dancing on the piece of white paper he was holding, taking down notes. He looked at me, judgmental.
This person… This doctor Flynn… He looked exactly like Axel… There was no mistaking it…
I stared at Dr. Flynn… I didn't know what was going on anymore. Everyone in this world was against me. They wanted to make me look crazy. Everyone… everyone was working with Sora to erase my existence, to send me to the mental hospital so that I would be crossed out, so that Sora didn't have to share this world with me.
No… everyone was crazy!
"So, tell me Roxas… how do you feel?"
"Axel… Sora… You're all… you're all crazy." I started mumbling.
"Calm down, Roxas. Just tell me how you feel. I can't understand you."
At that split second, I could see his handwriting.
"I'm not a goddamn schizophrenic! You all have something against me! You're crazy… you're crazy… you're all crazy. All you believe is Sora. What I think means nothing to any of you. I thought you would understand, Axel."
"Roxas, I can't understand you…" he started walking towards me, seemingly concerned.
"Get away from me!" I yelled, standing up and quickly running over to grab something that I could use to protect myself. I grabbed one of the trophies sitting on the desk.
Axel stopped and backed away. "Calm down, Roxas. I'm not going to harm you. I'm here to help you, Roxas. I'm here to protect you."
"Lies! You're not here to protect me! You're trying to kill me!"
Axel stared at me. His eyes wide and his face pale. "God no! Kill you? Roxas, I love you! We made love last night, remember?"
I paused. "No… you're a liar, Axel… and I know who made you a liar! I know! I'm not going to be fooled again. I've had enough!"
Taking in a deep breath, I ran over and quickly smashed the trophy to Axel's head. He paused, looking at me, horrified. A second after, he knelt down and his body fell limp on the floor, a small pool of blood gathered at his head. My eyes went wide. He couldn't have died… no. I wasn't trying to kill him! No!
This was all because of him!
Because of Sora…
I climbed out of the window and ran off. I didn't know where I was going. I kept running and running until I was out of breath. The only thing I had with me was my cell phone. I didn't have any use for it… there was nobody I could call. Everybody was against me. They wouldn't believe what I said. They would send me to jail. I couldn't… I couldn't live my life in jail.
I killed Axel… there was no one else who would believe me now.
Why…? Why did I kill the only person in the world who believed me?
All because of Sora…
I fished my cell phone out of the pocket of my jeans and dialed Sora's number.
"Sora… help me. I've killed Axel… Come home…"
Nobody was smart enough to try and find murderers hiding at their own houses.
I waited for Sora at home, staring at my blood stained hands. I was ready. I was ready for anything that would come. There was nothing left. I had nothing to lose. If the world is going to fall on my shoulder, then Sora will come along with me. I had no other choice. It was either me or Sora.
I could hear the clock ticking by.
Sora… are you coming? I'm waiting…
When Sora walked into the house, I immediately stood up.
"What did you do?" Sora asked, watching me closely. "God, Roxas. What the fuck did you do?"
"I didn't mean to do it, Sora… I…"
"For fuck's sake! Stop mumbling to yourself, Roxas. You're so goddamn creepy!"
I paused… what was wrong with everyone? One minute they were threatening and being intimate with me, the next minute, they start accusing me of mumbling and being creepy… I growled. "I'm so goddamn sick of you, Sora! I've had enough!"
Sora's eyes went wide as he backed away. "Put that knife down, Roxas. Put it down." He demanded.
"Why? This is the very same cutter knife that you've pointed repeatedly to my throat, Sora. This is the very same cutter knife that you used to kill Kairi!"
"Stop mumbling! I can't understand you!"
I narrowed my eyes. What the fuck is wrong? I let out a loud roar and ran over and tackled Sora down, getting on top of him, pushing him down with all my power when he was struggling. Just as what he did to me in my dream, I repeatedly stabbed the cutter knife deep into his chest. Then, without any hesitation, I brought the knife down to Sora's throat, right where his adam's apple is. Blood squirted out to my face.
I stopped then. Sora was completely still. I stared down at him, his blood dripping down my face. I licked the blood off my lips, tasting the sweet taste of victory. Finally… Sora was gone, taking away all my nightmares with him.
Finally… I have triumphed.
Who's better now, huh, Sora?
Not you, Sora.
Because you're dead.
And I will always be.
Yet… the next thing I notice… is that there are a lot of people. A lot of people staring at me with the same unfriendly and judging look that I have received ever since I can remember… they're talking about me. I know… even though everything I hear is distorted… everybody in the world is still against me.
I have won…
I have won against Sora.
I struggle. I struggle hard against the straitjacket, trying to get free. I screamed and growled, demanding freedom. I want to be let out! I want to breathe the fresh air again! I want to live in a world where Sora doesn't exist! That is all that I want. Is that asking too much? I just want someone to like me. I just want everyone to stop plotting against me… or maybe just someone… I want someone who would believe me… someone who would understand me…
I want Axel…
I stop when I feel heavy breathing against my neck.
When I look over, my eyes went wide and my blood starts rushing away from my face. Sora's dead, bloody face is there, looking over my shoulder. His eyes are bulging out, ready to pop out of their sockets whenever convenient.
"NO! Let me out of here! Let me out of here!" I scream, still fighting against the straitjacket.
I scream to the white room surrounding me.
But it's no use… no use at all…
Nobody believes me…
Nobody can hear my voice…
Because Sora has taken away my voice, my smile, my face, and now… even my existence.
Sora has taken everything away from me, even to his death… I have nothing now. Absolutely nothing. Nothing was mine.
I no longer matter to the people outside of this white room.
In the end…
In the end… the story I'm telling isn't about me… It's all about Sora… It has been all about Sora…
Sora was better than me… is better than me… and will always be better than me…
"Better… better… better… better…"
Thanks for reading! By deleting the previous "Better", I have lost all reviews from the 8 people who have reviewed. D: I'm so sorry. I really appreciate your reviews though. (: Special Thanks to: Sara Crewe, Roxann3, starsinjars, Becca, SweetyCat Kisses, CapriciousXXIISerenader, mei lynn 64, cho-chan09.Thank you so much for taking the time to write a review! I believe I've replied to every single one of them.
Also, I'm sorry if your inbox is spammed with my alerts and whatnot. I'm testing ffnet's system, for some reason, I don't receive an email about my own chapter update. Weird…
I'm planning on writing an extra with somebody else's viewpoint to explain what is really happening to Roxas... Do you think I should? :) Let me know.
Hope I've kept you entertained throughout the whole story.