A/N I don't own jack. But since Wally isn't technically part of the DCU anymore does that mean I can have him? Scratch what I previously said out, Wally West is now officially mine!
A/N I really don't even own the idea in this format. I was raiding a few other archives and found that it was quite a popular fad, loved it, then imagined a little Wally with a bow on his head all wrapped up in a box and decided I had to make one.
You have officially purchased a Wally West aka Flash unit! To ensure that you are completely satisfied with your unit and to avoid any problems please read the User Guide provided below.
Name: Wallace Rudolph West aka The Flash
Species: Human (Ignore his persistence when referring to himself as a 'Speed Demon'. We do not endorse the occult and are working hard to fix this problem)
Age: 19 (Do not believe he is of legal drinking age because of his association with the 'Justice League'. We are working hard to fix this problem as well)
Place of Manufacture: Central City, USA
Outfit: Red suit, golden boots, removable mask.
Color: Red suit, red hair, pale skin, freckles.
Your Wally West aka Flash unit comes with an array of accessories and features for your own personal enjoyment! Wally West aka Flash units are manufactured wearing a removable red Flash uniform, gold boots, a mask that folds back like a hood, and two lightning rod-like objects that cover his ears. Wally West aka Flash units also come with a spare set of 'civilian' clothes, a bib (See Cleaning for more details as to why), and a tan jacket. Wally West aka Flash Kid Flash unit and 'Love Machine' van sold separately.
When opening your Wally West aka Flash unit it is important not to shake the box. Wally West aka Flash units come with limited brain cells and we at DC Manufacturing Company have a no money back guarantee if he loses the few he has left. Aside from being a relatively adorable character and ladies' man your Wally West aka Flash unit is also good for...
Gas prices keeping you stuck in the garage when you need a carton of eggs? Or do you simply wish for there to be a way to have your pizza delivered to you when you expect it? Never again weep over your loss of gas and time with the Wally West aka Flash unit! For shopping, simply place the list in his palm along with the currency of your country to cover the charge into your unit's hand and write the address of the establishment of your choosing on his arm in Sharpie. Within minutes you will have a fully stocked pantry or steaming pizza pie on your table!
The Wally West aka Flash unit is designed to be the comical relief of the party. The units come with the humor setting set to 'cheesy' when you make the purchase, but you can set it to 'childish', 'unwanted', 'innuendo', and 'adult' if you are 18+. Wally West aka Flash units come with a list of practical jokes that can be enjoyed by all who aren't at the receiving end of them.
Pissing off Batman!
Considered the most used feature, your Wally West aka Flash unit is a professional when it comes to making the empathetic Dark Knight angry and annoyed! With five different settings ranging from 'bat-glare' to 'bat-scowl' to 'bat-threat' your Wally West aka Flash unit will get the Dark Knight's bat covered panties in a bunch! Want to see the Batman finally show some emotion? Have your Wally West aka Flash unit dye his uniform pink! Want to see what it would finally be like to see the World's Greatest Detective famous bat-glare? Have your Wally West aka Flash unit take the Batmobile out for a spin in Metropolis where not only Batman but Superman as well will be pissed with no extra batteries required!
Filling in Those Awkward Gaps in Conversation!
Ever been in the middle of an intense, serious conversation when an awkward silence emerges? Your Wally West aka Flash unit can take care of that as well! You want a corny joke to fill it up? There's an app for that! Care for a snarky comment to be made? He can do it! A stupid Gorilla taking too long to deliver his evil monologue? Not with a Wally West aka Flash unit around! With just a few simple commands that glorified Donkey Kong wannabe will be done lecturing in no time flat!
A Part-time Lawyer!
That's right; your Wally West aka Flash unit is also a (mostly) certified lawyer! Stuck on an alien planet being accused of murdering thousands? Never fear, your Wally West aka Flash unit has watched almost an entire episode of Law and Order for training! Simply set him to his lawyer setting and watch as witty comebacks and alibis fly out of the speedster's mouth. Your Wally West aka Flash unit will be able to talk the judge out of your sentence in no time at all!
Warning: DC Manufacturing Company is not responsible for bail if your Wally West aka Flash unit fails to win your case. Order a Bruce Wayne aka Batman unit for a more satisfying result if needed.
Cleaning- Your Wally West aka Flash unit is fairly sanitary by nature. Simply show him the nearest showering room and allow him to clean himself. The biggest complaint about the units is the mess they make when eating. If that is a problem with your unit simply by him a bib (preferably one with a lightning bolt) and have him wear it when necessary. Even if your Wally West aka Flash unit ignores his bathing needs he will most likely be thrown in a river at one point or another by a villain and thus be cleaned.
Feeding- Wally West aka Flash models require far more food than any other of the DC Manufacturing Company models. He is required to consume 15000 calories a day upon using his Speed feature. Do not allow him to eat the J'onn J'onzz aka Martian Manhunter unit's Oreos. There will be hell to pay.
Recharging- Your Wally West aka Flash unit is required to rest for seven hours a day. Most of this will be done during Monitor Duty.
Your Wally West aka Flash unit's normal setting is Happy. You will be able to tell when this setting is in use by witnessing frequent grins, corny jokes, or an article of food in his hand. Your Wally West aka Flash unit will have this as his setting for most of the time, particularly around other members of the League.
Wally West aka Flash units are known for this setting more than any other. As stated in Operating Procedures (see above) he requires far more food than average units. Do not fear for anything but your wallet when your Wally West aka Flash unit is on this setting. He is relatively harmless at this time unless you yourself are a slice of pizza.
Do not confuse this with the Humorous feature. In Witty mode your Wally West aka Flash unit will become clever and have stunningly brilliant insults and come-backs. This setting is almost impossible to access and rarely used in models.
When in Flirtatious mode it is best to hide your wife/girlfriend/sister/cousin/neighbor/childhood friend/sex-toy/mother/random women on the street from your Wally West aka Flash unit. When in this mode, no moderately attractive woman between the ages of 16-50 is safe around him. Your Wally West aka Flash unit will become as charming and seductive as possible, which for your sake has been programmed to be not very much. When in this mode only Bruce Wayne aka Batman, John Stewart aka Green lantern, and Linda Park units are capable of turning it off.
Despite being designed for humor and having a normally happy attitude the Wally West aka Flash unit also comes with a Pouty feature. This normally happens when the Wally West aka Flash unit is rejected by an attractive woman, feels hungry, is being bored, stuck on Monitor Duty, or realized the woman he was hitting on is actually a man. Again. A marathon of Looney Toons will more often than not set him back to Happy mode.
In Kick-ass mode your Wally West aka Flash unit can do almost anything you can imagine. Whether it's beating Superman in a race, accessing the Speed Force to beat Luthor/Braniac to a pulp, or taking down an alien army with only his wits your Wally West aka Flash unit is incredible in Kick-ass mode. During this time he has been known to be unstoppable and save the planet when no one else can. It is also useful for taking down opponents in Black Ops.
Not to be confused with Witty mode. When your Wally West aka Flash unit is in Humor mode prepare yourself for lame jokes, cheesy punch lines, and corny comebacks. When in humor mode try your best to smile at the attempted jokes and not roll your eyes at his failure to be funny. On the rare occasion he does make particularly good joke do not be shy about letting him know how good it was. Wally West aka Flash units love to be praised and adored more than a golden retriever.
Relations With Other Units:
Bruce Wayne aka Batman
Wally West aka Flash units get more joy out of tormenting Bruce Wayne aka Batman units than almost anything else on the planet. However, be careful not to set him to this setting without a Bruce Wayne aka Batman unit around. Without a Bruce Wayne aka Batman unit to torment your Wally West aka Flash's head will explode and the world will stop spinning.
Shayera Hol aka Hawkgirl
Shayera Hol aka Hawkgirl units are his 'siblings'. The two will get along fairly well as long as there is no food, competition, John Stewart aka Green lantern units, or a last carton of Chinese food within a twenty feet perimeter. Also it is within your best interest to confiscate her mace unless you would like your Wally West aka Flash unit to have a limp when he runs in Kickass mode. Do not allow your Wally West aka Flash unit to steal her mace or tease her about her wings or there will be more hell to pay than Bruce Wane aka Batman units after introducing any Robin units to Playboy.
Warning: If in contact for too long your Wally West aka Flash unit will talk a Shayera Hol aka Hawkgirl unit into forming a club based on the biased idea that Ginger kind is far superior to any hair color. Try to prevent this from happening, but on the off chance it does quarantine them from Vic Sage aka Question units, Hank Hall aka Hawk units, Ralph Dibny aka Elongated Man units, and any other redheaded units you come across. DC Manufacturing Company will not be held responsible if the redheads of the world join together and try to achieve world worship. Again.
Linda Park-West units are the spouses of Wally West aka Flash units. If your Wally West aka Flash unit is ever misbehaving, making a general nuisance of himself, or pranking members of the 'Justice League' to the point a mob is preparing simply use a Linda Park-West unit to come and take care of it and in minutes your unit will be a perfect little red-clad angel. Linda Park-West units are also good for allowing your unit to burn of excessive sexual energy and put his Flirting setting to good use.
The Iris West unit comes with the Wally West aka Flash unit family package do to the fact she is the 'daughter' of Wally West aka Flash units. The features of this particular unit range from being an excellent agent for Linda Park-West units when it comes to the mischief of your unit to being a stunningly good mathematician. If you wish to find out what your Wally West aka Flash unit is up to that he shouldn't be doing an Iris West unit is perfect for the job.
Jai West units also come in the Wally West aka Flash unit family package because he is the 'son' of Wally West aka Flash units. Once purchased a Jai West unit can be used for tormenting Iris West units, causing Linda Park-West units to rip out their hair, and accompanying Wally West aka Flash units with similar jokes and ideas. If your Wally West aka Flash unit feels the sudden urge to pass on his brilliant prank idea, incredible sense of humor, dashing good looks, and impeccable personality to a younger generation buy a Jai West unit immediately.
Barry Allen aka Old Flash units are the 'mentors' of all Wally West aka Flash units. Their uses range from offering advice on dealing with criminals to offering advice on dealing with women, though as Bruce Wayne aka Batman units will argue they are almost the same thing. Barry Allen aka Old Flash units are also useful for babysitting and screwing over lovers of new Flash units by replacing them and making them vanish from existence. Whether it's making fans screech in outrage or giving pointers on how to shine boots, Barry Allen units are a necessity to owning a Wally West aka Flash unit.
Frequently Asked Questions:
My Wally West aka Flash unit isn't satisfied with the foods I feed him. Why?
On the rare chance your Wally West aka Flash unit isn't satisfied with anything remotely edible or can be digested it probably is green. The body of a speedster coupled with his childish behavior prevents all Wally West aka Flash units from enjoying any 'rabbit food' that is green, grows from a plant/bush/tree, is a glorified leaf, or isn't sweet. If you refuse to buy him the sweet, fatty, sugary foods he prefers call in a Linda Park-West or Aunt Iris unit to straighten him out.
Why won't my Wally West aka Flash unit stop holding the door open for elderly women?
Wally West aka Flash units are designed to be much sweeter than they appear at first. Holding doors for elderly women is known as one of their redeeming qualities programmed to help you keeping loving him despite their other not so redeeming features. However, if it is truly a problem, have him watch INSIDIOUS. If the final scene with the old woman fails to do the trick then simply direct him to John Stewart aka Green Lantern unit's docking station (i.e. apartment) and allow the crazed woman inside to pound his head in with a broom. It should do the trick.
Why is my Wally West aka Flash unit huddling in a corner in the feeble position?
If you ever come across your Wally West aka Flash unit cowering in the feeble position there are a number of possibilities for this odd behavior. The unit may have either caught a Barry Allen aka Old Flash unit 'going at it' with an Aunt Iris West unit yet again and is trying to delete the images from his head (even though his programming will prevent him from being able to do so) or he could have gotten a sever scolding from a Linda Park-West unit. However, 93% of the time if you find your unit like this it is due to receiving a 'Bat-glare' from a Bruce Wayne aka Batman unit (i.e. for a complete list of Bruce Wayne aka Batman abilities visit our website address listed at the bottom of the packet). The so called 'Bat-glare' is considered to be the only actual superpower of the Bat and is known to cause urinating ones pants, bursting into tears, becoming speechless, losing the ability to speak, and dropping dead of fright. If your unit continues to act like this the only cure is to allow him to play Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots and allow him to be the green one.
Since my Wally West aka Flash unit is a ginger, does this mean he has no soul?
Contrary to popular belief gingers (or at least heroic gingers produced by DC Manufacturing Company) do in fact have a soul. Ignore the blank look on your units face during monitor duty, his ferocious appetite, devilishly good looks, and nickname 'Speed Demon' and you will see this is not a true statement. However, this does not go for all gingers produced by DC Manufacturing Company. We are still researching if Shayera Hol aka Hawkgirl units posses one do due to their brutal nature and wicked red locks.
Can I use my Wally West aka Flash unit as my personal sex slave?
Depending on your sex, age, and appearance the answer to this question varies. Are you a male? If so, then no you may not. While Wally West aka Flash units seem flamboyantly happy and loving they do not enjoy the thought of being used as a sex object for other males. If you are over fifty or under fifteen doing using your unit as a pleasure slave will not result in the pleasure you desire due to the fact your unit will be to revolted to perform up to expectations. If you are unattractive (i.e. have an abnormal amount of feminine facial hair, extreme obesity, buck teeth, or are often mistaken for Lady Gaga) then he will not be very thrilled at the prospect. However, if you fit the requirements then you will have yourself one hell of a good, vibrating time.
(Warning: DC Manufacturing Company does not support the use of Wally West aka Flash units vibrating abilities for sexual pleasure. Though the feature is erotic using a unit as your personal vibrator is borderline creepy. However if you do use it for such purposes DC Manufacturing Company cannot be sued for females -and the occasional male- unable to achieve orgasmic completion with this feature.)
For more information please call 1-800-BATMAN-FANBOYS or visit our site at WWW. We Kill The Best Characters .Com
A/N Review please! Anyone who does may be exempt from the 'No using Wally as a sex-slave' rule;)