This story was written because of my dissatisfaction at how Teito acted in the anime. I mean, he didn't act like he had military training and stuff. So here is my twisted explanation of the whole thing…enjoy.
I could hide my emotions and fake them very well. There were 3 very important lessons during my days of Thrall activities. That had been our first. In fact, we had been trained not to feel. Second was that human and Thralls were different. Third was that, always act lower than your superiors, i.e., everyone, which is why, at the Academy, I never went beyond a certain level for I had learnt to appreciate secrecy.
I never showed my true emotions to any one. Not even Mikage, my best friend, who was closer to me than anyone else in the world. I always act as I think normally people should. That is why, Mikage found me in the library a lot of times, devouring books, just to understand the complexity of emotions. Not everyone had the same reaction to a particular situation. It bewildered me initially. But later, I slowly started getting a grasp of the whole thing. But most of the time, emotions seemed over-exaggerated. Especially the story of Romeo and Juliet. I still remember Mikage's expression before he collapsed in hysterical fits when I asked him whether the two were deranged. He laughed till he turned red. At a simple question too. Somehow he made me want to laugh too.
Emotions- I can never fully understand them.
It bothered me not to understand but I never showed it.
Before Mikage came along, everyone treated me like the thing I was- a Thrall. That made it easier. I knew what to expect from them. But when Mikage came, I realised that not all humans treated Thralls the same way.
There is a word-empathy. I came across it during my second week in the library.
I always thought people got angry if you insulted them. Mikage proved me wrong here. I never saw him get angry, ever, at least for the right reasons. But he did get angry when somebody insulted me.
Emotions- are they contagious?
I'm pretty sure they are. Why else did I feel that burning that burning sensation within me that caused me to hurt those who victimized Mikage, whereas I paid no attention to myself?
It frightens me at times-these alien sensations that make me want to do things I have never desired to do before.
When Ayanami ordered me to be put into the dungeons, I allowed my earlier training to kick in. This resulted in me killing the guards, squashing their lives out.
Mikage found me, my hands drenched in blood.
I knew what to expect. He would move away horrified and run to get help. Somehow the idea made me feel…well-not good.
Before I could reflect on it, Mikage was holding my hand and running away saying he would help me to escape. He did.
His action caused a different burning ache in my throat.
At the Church, there were too many humans like Mikage, who treated me like a human. It was unsettling. It felt wrong.
I did what I could. Act weak, helpless, accuse them of bad things. True, sometimes they did get angry, but otherwise, it was as if they hadn't heard me.
There, I wanted Mikage. Just like that. I wanted to see him badly, touch his face, ensure that he was alright. This time, the feelings weren't momentary. They stayed and I felt scared and vulnerable. What was happening to me? I wanted to console myself that every thing was alright and that it was normal. But there wasn't a single line about it in the Church library, regarding Thralls or humans.
When Mikage died in my arms, tears rolled down my eyes. I had a sudden urge to scream out with grief, anger, frustration, hatred, and something else. But I didn't. Instead, the next few days, water fell freely form my eyes without any difficulty. I didn't like it. I am a Thrall. The humans were turning me weak. This world has no place for those who are weak. Even though I tried, I remained like that. My mind was filled with avenging Mikage and killing Ayanami.
I have never understood the concept of hating and loving a person simultaneously. But now, I think I did- I loved Mikage but I also hated him for leaving me, for becoming friends with me in the first place.
Castor found me in the garden under a tree.
"There you are. Frau's worried about you."
I stared at his back.
The yellow haired, mean, perverted bishop came to my mind. I didn't exactly like him, nor dislike him. He was just there. But I knew he disliked me. He did call me 'darn brat' all the time and became quite grim around me and always seemed to look at me through appraising eyes that seemed as though they didn't like what they saw. So why would he be worried about me? I know I wouldn't be if our situations were reversed.
I sighed and looked at the sky. Just when I thought I had made progress.