A/N Sooo, this fic was an idea proposed to me in a review from MissyMoJo so thanks to the idea! Really have no idea how this turned out because I wrote it literally in about 15 minutes so I hope it's okay. It hasn't been Betaed because none of my stories ever are so please let me know if you find any major mistakes in the spelling or grammar and I'll make sure to fix it.

Anyway, hope you all like it and please review

Summary: Set in 'Daleks in Manhattan'. A more dramatized version of the scene when the Doctor first sees the Dalek in the tunnel. His thoughts and perspective and what goes through his brain in that scene.

Disclaimer: I, with much regret, do not own any rights to Doctor Who or any of its related spin-offs that might be relevant to this story.


The bane of his existence. They were there again. Right in front of him and his heart froze. His body tensed so hard he could feel, practically hear, his muscles scream in protest.

The alien disappeared around the corner and yet he didn't relax, didn't move. Fear, disgust, anger and a deep, soul crushing sorrow welled inside him when he thought of everything that had been lost to the monsters he had defeated three times over already.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no." Suddenly he felt his thoughts stop, a rare occurrence in the mind of a Time Lord, a tiny sliver of his sanity slipping away in that moment and suddenly he wasn't properly seeing his surroundings.

As his eyes stayed fixed on a random point of the underground tunnel they were hidden in it transformed from its dark, depressing, rough grey and became filled with brilliant colour. He saw sheets of rich red tendrils rise from the ground, swaying in a nonexistent breeze, and the roof above his head turned bright, burning orange, magnificent shades shining in a way he hadn't experienced in years… decades. Mountains rose in the distance behind the walls of the tunnel and trees sprung upon them that shimmered in the fake light, silver leaves glinting madly, bright enough to draw attention but never to burn one's eyes by looking.

Everything about it was perfect and for a moment he almost believed that Dalek had found them and killed him, sending him to a heaven he didn't deserve.

The Citadel shone in what his eyes perceived to be the far distance and in the corner of his eye he saw a figure disappearing behind one of the familiar trees, blonde hair whipping about behind the lithe form with a tiny giggle as the feminine presence he would recognize anywhere dissolved as quick as it had appeared.

His heart fluttered angrily in protest and skipped a beat as he jerked his body around to try and follow her.

He looked down at the girl by his side, his hand still covering her mouth and for a split second he didn't let himself return to reality, didn't let himself return to be in the tunnel with a frightened showgirl trailing after him.

For that moment his home world swirled peacefully around him and he saw her, the love of his existence, smiling up at him, head tilted and body leaning towards him as she always had.

His hand slid from her mouth to caress her lips with his fingertips as they slid passed them and across her cheek, going down to cradle her neck as his eyes softened and his lips quirked upwards in a long forgotten expression of happiness.

But then the blonde's expression changed from blissful adoration and love to confusion and hesitancy and the illusion was shattered.

The bright colours of his home world disipated, as if they were no more than painting on a canvas that was being wiped clean. THey no longer surrounded him and he was back in a dank tunnel, Tallulah staring up at him imploringly.

His hand shot away from her as if her skin had burned him and his eyes clenched shut, head shaking as if to banish a horrific image, or perhaps to try to recall the most precious.

Where they were and what they just saw flooded back to him and his expression returned to a deep scowl, eyes filling with unshed tears for his home and his love.

"They survived. They always survive while I lose everything." His voice trembled with sorrow and fury, clenched teeth making the words come out even more strained.

"The metal thing? What was it?" Tallulah's grating voice broke through his still trance-like state and he snapped his gaze down to land on her, his breathing harsh and uncontrolled.

"It's called a Dalek." His words were rushed, terse and he quickly turned away from her remembering the face he had seen, and the laugh he had heard, only moments ago and feeling immensely guilty when he wished, more than anything, that a different girl was standing by his side. "And it's not just metal, it's alive."

"You're kidding me." His scowl deepened and his eyes flared with invisible fire as he swung to face her, hands balling into fists as he leaned forward, towering over the small woman.

"Does it look like I'm kidding?" What was left of her smile disappeared in the wake of his annoyance and anger. "Inside that shell is a creature born to hate, whose only thought is to destroy everything and everyone that isn't a Dalek too. It won't stop until it's killed every human being alive." His voice broke several times and his body quaked with emotion. He almost lent back into the wall as he felt his legs shake and felt the almost unavoidable urge to let himself fall to the ground and not get back up.

But no matter how out of his mind he got with his own grief, one look at the innocent human standing by his side and he knew he wouldn't be able to abandon her and leave them to fend for themselves.

He was the Doctor. He was the strong one. He wouldn't fail and even if he did he would go down fighting those wretched creatures with everything he still had inside him.

And later as he stood, Martha watching him from aside, expression held in horrific uncertainty and sorrow, as he stood screaming at the creature to kill him, no one would ever know how much he had meant it.

Oh no, she would later assume that he had done it purely out of the desire to save mankind and stop the killings, draw the Dalek's attention away and onto him, someone who could defend himself.

He would never tell her how the passion in his words wasn't brought forth by desire to save the day but rather the desire to finally be allow to give up, to rest and be at peace. He wouldn't tell her about the flickers orange sky, red grass, blonde hair and silver leaves he saw for days, weeks after that adventure, always in the corner of his eye only to disappear when he turned his head. He would never tell her of the stupid hope that welled in his chest every single time without fail that told him perhaps he wasn't on simple little Earth anymore but once again home, with his people and friends, his love.

She would never know the crushing weight of hopelessness and agony he felt when those flickers disappeared and that oh so false hope was lost once again. And she would never know how every single time he was reminded of those words he had screamed at that Dalek and how every single time he wished, just a little bit stronger, that it had obeyed his request and finished him.

She would never know.

They would never know.

And as he went about saving the Earth once again he would be able to convince himself that maybe it would be okay, and maybe he would see his home, his people, his friends and his love once again. Because without that hope, he was nothing.

A/N So yeah, shorter than i wanted and angsty I know but that's just usually the way I roll. Please PLEASE review, because I actually really like this idea now and want to know if I've done it well even though I wrote it with no previous thought to how the story would go.

Review guys, pleeeease!