The story thus far: Evil Plan #1160 has met with success, wiping out Link and his bloodline. Now Ganondorf and his Staff of Evil must do the unprecedented: figure out what to do now.


The Legend of Zelda

Another Day at the Office

Episode 2: Royal Pain

"I'm telling you," blabbed Agahnim for what must have been the fifth time within the space of an hour, "Now is the time to strike! I propose we once again try our ultimate plan of evil: buy large tracts of beach and lake front property, fix them up with improvements, and then flip it for massive gain. With Link out of the way, our plan to corner the real estate market cannot hope to fail!"

"You stupid, stupid man," countered Veran ever so haughtily, "We've been over this ad nauseum. You have failed to take into account the cost of refurbishing these properties, as well as any presumptive tax liability we would assume on the resale. Your projected earnings statement does not make any account for the cost basis we would assume upon such a transaction and the excess of any theoretical amount realized over it. Based upon our projected income, we would pay at least 35% of any amount realized in tax unless you could make the hopeless argument that it somehow falls under the capital gains tax regime and is thereby subjected to a preferential rate. It's quite simple."

The little mask Majora then promptly jumped on the board room table and scurried about it spastically. "You no make no sense, man. I say we get da Moon and make it go all crashey into Hyrule." Majora's tendrils now attempted to form the shape of the Moon as he demonstrated it crashing into Hyrule. His high-pitched whine tried to approximate explosion noises.

After Majora concluded his presentation of his amazing dexterity with onomatopoeia, Wizzrobe cautiously offered, "We could resurrect a long dead evil overlord..."

Silence filled the room.

Until at once everybody on the Staff of Evil erupted into incredulous laughter. Lord Ghirahim chuckled in a disturbingly androgynous fashion. "Resurrect an evil overlord? What kind of nitwits do you take us for?"

Chancellor Cole pounded on the table with his fist. "Yes, what-what! That's the most preposterous proposal I've ever heard."

With ridiculing eyes on Wizzrobe, he attempted to cast his invisibility spell. His physical form flickered, until it became apparent that he was out of mana, prompting even more derisive laughter.

At this, Dark Link awoke from the customary nap he took during staff meetings. "You guys are retards. It's pretty simple, just get a big-ass army and march on the Castle and kill everything."

Agahnim sneered, "Ridiculous! We would be crushed in an instant!"

Dark lifted his hands in incredulity. "'The hell dude? We got fire breathing dragons, giant tarantulas, undead legions, pig berserkers—hell we even got a dinosaur. And you think they're going to get their asses handed to them by Hyrule's mall cops—"

"We're not going to do any of that," interrupted the figure staring out the boardroom windows and into the world he lusted to rule. Ganondorf Dragmire returned to his seat at the end of the table and sat down, rubbing the fiery curtain of hair snaking down his chin.

"My minions! Take heed! We shall now…"

Anticipation built in the small boardroom as occupants leaned in close.

"…capture Princess Zelda!" Ganondorf beamed with an extremely self-satisfied smile. "There! What do you think? They'll be taken completely by surprise."

Nervous glances were silently exchanged across the boardroom. Vaati put down the powder kit he was using to preserve his signature look and narrowed reddened pupils on Ganondorf. "Yes sir, lovely, but why kidnap the Princess?"

Ganondorf's smile widened further, "Because it will spell doom for the Kingdom of Hyrule!"

"Uh, yes sir. Of course sir. But why will it spell doom?"

"Because we'll have kidnapped the Princess." Ganondorf proclaimed proudly; ignorant to this own tautology.

"I'm sure you're correct sir, but I just don't understand how kidnapping a girl aged between 12-21 will necessarily result in the destruction of the Kingdom of Hyrule," Vaati offered.

General Onox pounded the table, the weight of golden armor nearly collapsing the tiny chair he sat in. "I'll tell you why we capture her goddammit! We've got principles here! There are some values and traditions that are worth preserving. We always capture the Princess! As soon as we don't capture the Princess… well… rumors will start to go around that we've started to grow soft. Once we've made it clear that we won't fight to kidnap Princesses then the dominoes start to fall, and next thing you know Team Evil becomes the laughing stock of the universe."

Dark sat up, still trying to recover from an obvious hangover. "Anybody have a non-retarded reason why we should capture her?"

Greg from Human Resources stirred, "It's simple. There are proper procedures we always follow, and kidnapping the Princess is one of them."

Veran scoffed. "But think of the risk. By kidnapping the Princess we lose our sole opportunity for surprise. Also, think of the legal liability. If something happens to her in our custody, they could sue us for negligence, battery, intentional infliction of emotional distress. Goddesses, because we are corporation they would probably award her punitive damages which would probably be triple the damages she would have otherwise collected…I don't think Team Evil could take that kind of liability."

Dark shrugged, "C'mon, we're missing the point. What's so important about her?"

The room was silent.

Dark continued, "I mean, what possible significance could a pubescent girl have for an entire kingdom?"

"She does," offered Greg, "inaugurate the annual Castleton Agricultural Fair. Her absence would be a morale crushing loss..."

Dark shrugged, "Or kidnapping her could piss off Hyrule enough that they could...I dunno…actually raise an army."

Zant wheezed through his mask. "Why not just allow her to become Queen? When I attacked Hyrule she fought for a grand total of thirty minutes. After that she surrendered and moped like a bitch."

Wizzrobe gathered his frayed courage, "Let's think about this, what were the historical reasons for capturing the Princess? Usually wasn't it for the sole purpose of luring the Hero into a trap?"

Dark muttered to Zant, "And because somebody here gets his jollies from "demonically" possessing her body…"

"What!" Ganondorf angrily demanded.

Wizzrobe continued, "Why capture the Princess if there's no longer a Hero to trap?"

"The Triforce of Wisdom!" General Onox bellowed, pounding his plated fists into the table.

"Well," Wizzrobe said reasonably, "considering that said Triforce has not helped her evade a single one of our attempts at capturing her, I am very dubious as to why we should go out of our way to attain such an obviously defective device."

General Onox—predictably—pounded the table, "If we start betraying our values and traditions, then—"

"Um, excuse me, Mr. Dragmire?" Tina's voice rang out in the conference room's PA.

"Yes?" Ganondorf grumbled.

"You've got a call from Brad."

Ganondorf turned towards Greg, "Do I know a Brad?"

"Um, sir, he's your Manager of the Flying Tentacle Monster of Evil Department," Greg explained.

"Fine, put him on speaker," Ganondorf grunted to Tina, "Brad, how's my Flying Tentacle Monster of Evil? You know your department's going to have a pretty hefty Christmas bonus since it was you guys who wiped out Link and his bloodline."

"Y-y-y-essir, thank you sir, but we have a slight problem."

"A problem!" Ganondorf demanded.

"Well sir, when we sent out the Flying Tentacle Monster to kill Link, we ran into a teeny weeny issue. The Flying Tentacle Monster can't fly because Tentacles can't be used as wings… so…"

"Wait, so what are you telling me Brad?" Ganondorf demanded, his voice rising dangerously.

"Well, it might be a little while longer before we can finish the job. I've got my best people working on it right now and—"

"WHAT!" Ganondorf bellowed, "Link's alive!"

"Well sir, for the moment. But let me assure you that—"

Ganondorf mashed the power button on the conference's speaker system. Slowly, with zombie-like rigidity, he stood and began walking to the door. "If you will excuse me, for a moment."

The boardroom was silent as the doors closed shut as Ganondorf exited.

And then, an eruption of profanity more intense than has ever been recorded in Hylian history emanated from behind the closed doors.

Vaati put down his nail file. "Well, I can speak for Mr. Dragmire when I ask you all to please draw up proposals for Evil Plan #1161."


Author's Note: And so, back to the drawing board. I have to admit, I liked the first story much better, but I still enjoyed writing this. Don't forget to read Episode 1 if you haven't already. It's not necessary to appreciate the story, but it provides a bit of context—well as much context as a non-sequitur alternate universe needs at any rate. While you're at it, don't forget to read some of the other parody one-shots I have posted. I'm still looking for a beta for Da Capo Al Fine, so if there are any enthusiastic volunteers don't forget to PM me. I hope everyone enjoyed.