Hello all. I wrote this the other day, and I was feeling really bad. I've been having lots of problems and I've just wanted to keep my hopes and faith up, but sometimes, well, it's VERY hard. And then, while reading The Silver Chair, I came to think about Susan. I kind of understood what she went through, and that's how I came to write this.
I've been in the place of loosing things and people you love, some to death and others not, and just, wanting them back, wanting things to go back to what they were, sometimes even wanting to be a child once more and just be...careless!
I wrote it with tears streaming through my own cheeks, and at the end, it was incredible how well I felt, it was as if MY own faith had grown. I hope those of you who read it may enjoy it. :)
It was real. She knew it. It had been real and it was in the past. Sadness seemed to consume her heart, her soul, her very being.
She could no longer smile freely without feeling a pang of pain engulfing her, she could no longer laugh deliberately without knowing she was betraying them. She had to move on. She had to forget. She was turning into a woman, and this time… this time, there was no rock beneath her feet, no love to breathe inn, no happiness.
She couldn't forget, but she had to. It was a need aching deep in her heart. All of her being wanted to return, wanted to scream to the top of her lungs and release the pain hidden in her heart, to break and ravage everything in her path. She couldn't, she wouldn't; she was called The Gentle.
Her mask would always be there, her hurt hidden behind frilly fabrics and paint in the form of makeup to cover her nightly tear tracks.
She knew they pointed at her. She knew they prayed for her. She knew they worried about her. She knew they cared for her. But that was it. They wanted the Gentle, the Queen to return, but she would never be queen again. She was just an ordinary girl once more.
The begging of her siblings fell in deaf ears, as she just shook her head at times or simply yelled at them to grow up, just like she had done. She would take the arm of that night's date and would leave; her parents' blessing for it the only thing that had meaning now…sometimes.
Once, she had craved the affection of the three she called family. Once, she had looked up to them. Once, she had done everything she could to see them smile. Now, she envied them. How does one keep faith up? How does one do when hope seems to be lost?
She remembered a time when she dreamed about long days in the sand, she remembered battles long fought, nights in His presence filled of peace, dances around a grand ball celebrating victories and treaties. She remembered when she wanted to forget.
If she forgot, maybe the pain would disappear. They thought she was cold now, and they had no idea how true that was. She was cold, her warmth was gone. She shivered, wanting His fur to give her the strength, to feel His breath in her once more, but she couldn't, and she resented Him for it.
She could no longer bear the pain of not being home. She could no longer hope of going home one day.
"Let His will be done, Su."
She ignored her brother's wise words, and just snapped at them all to let her be. Her body was a woman's now, and she enjoyed it more and more.
Once, she had dressed with the finest fabrics, gowns flowing down to her feet. Now, the fabrics where rough, just like her heart had come to be. It had to be rough, that way she wouldn't be hurt once more.
She had once had it all. She had had Him. She now had nothing. She did not have Him. Her memories where like a long time dream. She barely remembered things during the day, not even mentioning His name, much less His word. Hope had died, her faith was gone. She was dead in life, her being, her existence itself was gone. She lived for triviality. She cared nothing for others, just herself…but late at night, a faint roar would go through her ears. She would scarcely hear her name being called. She always turned and cried. She couldn't open her heart. She didn't want to dream. Dreaming hurt. Hoping hurt.
Her siblings had scars over their bodies, proving to her how real it had all been. She refused to believe it. Her heart was scared, its wounds open and bleeding, the pain more than what she could bare, and so, she covered it with a scowl, she covered with a fake smile, she covered it with all the trivialities she had found in this world where HE had sent her back. A world which had not only ripped her apart, but had killed her hope, had ravaged her childhood from her.
And then, when they finally seemed to accept her, they were gone. All of them. Her parents no longer were there, her cousin and his friend…and they, the ones she had loved with all her heart and still loved. And when everyone left, leaving her to grief before their graves, she couldn't say goodbye.
"It'll all be over." A voice seemed to say by her ear, as she turned to look upwards to some nearby hills. Her strength seemed to seep from there. The sky seemed to be clearing up, as a simple dove flew nearby, fluttering around before sweeping down close to her.
She stood straight, tears flowing freely through her cheeks, her makeup free cheeks. A ray of hope had started in her heart. If she had Him, maybe she wouldn't be alone.
"He's in this world, too, Su." Lucy had one night whispered to her, "Just search with your heart and you'll find Him."
Those words now fluttered in her mind. "I'm here." A voice kept whispering, a sweet, soft and strong voice, "I've always been here, child." She knew that voice. She turned then, leaving the graves and walking through the only path, her head low. "I've always been here, my child." Suddenly, she stopped by some steps and looked up at a church's steps.
A ray of hope had started in her, which had brought a bit of faith into her. Maybe things were not over, and she could go back to the beginning. It would be hard, but she could always try to remember. She would try to remember. She would live, once more, having hope and faith in Him. She'd come back. She had heard.