The Doctor looked down at the small diary sitting on the table. It was TARDIS blue and had golden designs of the TARDIS covered in rose vines. A small lock clipped the sides together. It was a simple lock… the kind you could break into without the need of the sonic-screwdriver or even the key. If he just reached over and twisted it the right way…
No! He couldn't do that. It was a complete invasion of privacy. He couldn't do that to Rose. He couldn't just look into her inner most thoughts…
'Butyou'vethoughtofit,' a voice said in the back of his mind. 'Thoughtofitsomanytimes.Everytimeyouseethediarysittingthere.Everytimeyouseeherlyingthereasleep.Youjuststandthere,watchingher.Seeingherchestriseandfallwitheverysoftbreath.Herrichfulllipsslightlyparted.Youseehermurmurinhersleepandyoubegtoseetheword 'Doctor' formonherlips.
And then you wonder if she really is thinking about you. You want to know. You want to know if she loves you in return. You know she does, but still you won't let yourself believe it. So tempted are you, to go and place your hands against her silky smooth skin – right on her temples – and delve into her mind.
Takeit…' the voice urged. 'Takeit…'
Before he had time to reason with the voice, the diary was already in his hand and the lock popped. He was almost in a dream state as he flicked through. He saw his name pop up in nearly every single line. Always talking fondly of him. Sweet things he had done, the way she saw him. It was clear she was defiantly attracted to him. But then he reached that page. That one page.
'HeyTARDIS...' Rose's messy scrawl jotted across the top.
'Wow, today has been a right disaster!
I had only wanted to go home and visit Mum. That's all. I'd bought her this pretty little ornament, I was sure she would love it. But she had been too distracted by the army of ghosts. When it was just her and me in the TARDIS, she said something to me... she told me I was becoming him. She was scared that when she was gone, there would be nothing keeping me here. And that in many years time, I would be just a strange woman on a planet a billion miles for Earth. I wouldn't be Rose Tyler...
Andnowshe'sgone.Butit'sokay...she'salive,andhopefullyhappy.ShehasDadbacknow.'Here there was a dry teardrop staining the page.
'It looks like I'm stuck with the Doctor forever now. Not that I'm complaining.
But he did it again. I know he only wanted me safe. But why does he keep doing that? I can handle myself. I'll be okay, no matter what they throw at me. So why does he keep sending me away?
You think he would have learnt after last time. I took in the entire Time Vortex, just to save him and bring him back to me. I want him safe, I want him with me. And I know he only wants me safe... But doesn't he see that that I am dead without him? When he is not with me, I die a little more. I couldn't live if he sent me away forever.
But I came back again. The look in his eyes, at first he was so angry. But I could see the relief and the fear in them too. I knew that he didn't want me gone. But still he tried to convince me to go back. And I told him that I had made my choice a long time ago. I very nearly blurted it out. I told him that I was never going to leave him. It took all the effort I had not to say "because I love you!" at the end.
And I do. I LOVE HIM. I love everything about him.
I love who he used to be. I love who he is now. I love his crazy messy hair and his gorgeous cheeky grin. I love it when he rambles on with his techno-babble. Even if I have no clue what he's saying... just to hear the sound of his voice. And his eyes... so deep and old, and hurt, so sweet and caring. Sometimes when he looks at me I think I see something there, sometimes I think he may really care for me the way I...
But I know he can't. I remember what he told me when I met Sarah Jane. That one day I would grow old and die, and it would hurt him to see that. I know it can't be... but I don't care – if only to be near him. Because Sarah Jane was right. Some things are worth having your heart broken for.
And I know someday it will break our hearts when I leave. But I promised him forever. And that's what he's going to get.
Because I am in love with the Doctor...'
He stared, unmoving, at the page. He had so many emotions rushing through him at the same time that he almost felt numb. Like the calm before the storm, and he was about to explode.
He didn't know why he was so surprised. Deep down, he had always known it. He had wanted it. But to see it splashed down before him, with nothing holding the words back, it shocked him – the force of the love Rose seemed to have for him.
They had only gotten closer since that day. He knew she was still slightly upset about him sending her away. But they hadn't talked about it yet… He had been too busy comforting her about the loss of her mother. She insisted that it was fine, it was her choice and not his fault. He still felt a little guilty.
Perhaps it was time he stopped. He was a rather selfish man. Like sending Rose away. He had been selfish in his needs to keep her safe. He hadn't even thought about what she wanted. So, perhaps in being truly selfish, he wouldn't be selfish at all.
No! No, he couldn't. But at least he could settle something.
He locked the diary again and was careful to put it back in the exact spot he had found it… On second thought, he picked it up again. It at least gave him an excuse.
Timidly he opened the door and peered into Rose's room. She was sitting on the edge of her bed, blow-drying her hair. He skin still looked warm and flushed from the hot shower she had just had. She had put on a nightie, ready for bed. It was a small chiffon nightie with thin straps, and was short enough that it revealed a lot of her creamy, smooth thighs.
The Doctor groaned and tried not to think of running his hands up those legs. Instead he focused on her adorable smile.
She turned off the hairdryer and sat on her bed, just about to jump in. He opened the door a little more and knocked on the frame. She looked up, slightly in surprise. But upon seeing him her face lit up and her smile became broader, making him melt.
"Doctor," she grinned.
"Hi," he smiled in return. He held up the diary. "I found this in the Library. You left it beside the couch… Thought you might like it back." He walked over and handed it to her.
"Thanks," she smiled at him. She didn't even suspect that he may have looked in it. She trusted him so completely. He felt a little guilty that he had betrayed that trust… But he did not regret it.
Before he knew it, he had taken off his shoes and jacket and had flopped down on the bed beside her. Rose didn't seem to mind. She shifted so she was lying next to him, and slipped her hand into his. Once again he marvelled at how their hands fit together so well – like the right pieces of a puzzle.
"So," he said casually. "I want to make you a deal." Rose raised an eyebrow. "I promise – no, I swear that I will never attempt to send you away ever again if…" here his words faltered.
"If what?" she whispered, hardly daring to breath. They turned to face each other and his very attached thumb drew circles across her hand.
"Well, that's just the thing," he told her. "I don't really know what I want in return. You've already promised me forever but…" the corners of his mouth tugged up as he realised what he wanted.
Lifting his free hand he caressed her cheek, running his hand along her cheek bone and feeling the soft skin of her temple beneath his fingers. Her eyes fluttered shut at his touch. And gently he traced her lower lip with his thumb. Her lips parted and he felt her warm breath on his hand. Slowly, cupping her face, he leant in and kissed her softly. He pulled back just as she started to react. He feared that if she kissed him back, he wouldn't be able to stop himself from taking her in his arms and deepening the kiss to the point that no more words would be said. And there was still something he wanted to say.
"I want to hear you say it," he said quietly, his voice low and rough. Her eyes opened, they were slightly glazed with the passion she held for him, but he could see a hint of confusion in their hazel deaths. "I see it everyday, in your eyes," he said. "I guess I've known for a long time… But I want to hear you say it, out loud."
"And that's all you want in return?" she breathed.
"Yes," he replied, and then he paused and grinned impishly. "As a start," he added.
Smiling her adorable tongue between the teeth grin, she kissed him lightly.
"I love you, Doctor." They kissed again, far more passionately. He groaned as her mouth met his with the same ferocity. His tongue slid across the seal of her lips and she granted him entrance. He teased her mouth softly, before pulling back. Rose was feeling very light headed and was glad he had broken the kiss, but only for the sheer fact that she was in need of air.
"You want to know a secret?" he whispered against her lips. She nodded, her eyes closed, head still resting against his. "I'm like this because of you. I was made for you. When I was dying back on Satellite 5, you were the only thing I could think of. So when I changed I became this. They youth, the accent, the hyper personality. They way we fit, I was moulded this way because I had been thinking of you. I'm like this… because I am in love with you, Rose Tyler."
For a moment Rose quite forgot to breath. Her breath hitched when his hand caressed down her side and began stroking her leg.
"I think I'm willing to accept that deal, Doctor," she said breathlessly. "Are you prepared to make anymore?"
"I'm willing to negotiate," he pressed his lips to hers as her rolled so he was over top of her. "What do you propose?" Crushing her lips back on to his, she unbuttoned his shirt and pushed it from his thin, but muscled shoulders. He moaned as she ran her hands across his taught stomach.
He had given in to his temptations… and still had no regrets.
They continued to negotiate all night.