Chapter One: How Many People Are Sacrificed For A Word Love?
A/N: Please listen to The End by Silverstein. My inspiration for writing this chapter
http: / www . youtube . com / watch ?v= cn9PTzcB3V4
What will you do for love? Love is a strong word that everyone would offer up their lives in order to attain the happiness that this word will give them. I am caught by love's greatest trap; after all the things that I had done for him the reward were being an outcast. I am a fool for falling in his trap. HE promised me everything that I can't possibly have: Happiness. Since I was a child I am seeking my own personal happiness and the one who will give it to me.
(I thought that he was the one who will save me from my shallow existence)
I was a fool for believing each and every single lie that sprouted from his devious mouth. I forsake my friends in order to gain his favor; HIS LOVE, but it was only a clever plan of his to make the bloody boy-who-lived to fall in love with him and use him to satisfy his personal gains to destroy his enemies. I lead my friends and my loved ones to their deaths; and every time I closed my eyes I can still their expressions of hatred, betrayal and disgust at me as I sat in the Dark Lord's feet like a cat.
(My Delusion, I still expect that He will love me back)
I gave everything to him; my innocence, life and my Love. After he got what he wanted and all of his remaining enemies are vanquished, I was cast aside. I am just a fettered concubine waiting to be used at his disposal. He never married me after all he was the Dark Lord and he married the princess of the veelas in order to seal the treaty. I was his closely guarded secret, I am just like Rapunzel who was residing in a tower for almost all of her life until the Prince who saved her from the evil witch came and took her away. But unlike Rapunzel, I did not have anyone that will save me after all who wants to save a traitor who offered his own family to the evil Dark Lord.
He crushed my heart in to smithereens and I am too tired to love. I am too tired to seek my happiness; these things are not meant for me, they are meant for someone who was selfless and noble, my former self. What if I did not fall for his traps? Would I be happy? Would I be sitting in a rocking chair hand in hand with the woman (Ginny Weasley) whom I once loved as we watch our granddaughters and grandsons playing happily in our lawn?
(There are no conditions in love so there should not be any regrets.)
I never regretted loving him but a part of my dead heart hoped that one day, I would wake up one day to find him looking at me with the same adoration and love that I had bestowed upon him. I am praying for the souls that I had sacrificed for my selfish dreams. Aunt Petunia always drags me to mass hoping that it will remove my freakish nature. When one of Uncle Vernon's relative died they forced me to join in the funeral and that is the only prayer which stricken my heart I uttered this prayer every night for my parents soul praying that they will always be safe in the afterlife.
Now I utter this prayer as repentance for those whom I killed knowing that they still hated me for betraying them but it's too late to ask for their forgiveness. My only regret was I am too weak to plead for their lives.
Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine
Et lux perpetua effulsit super eos
Ut requiescat in pace
Ut animas et animas omnium fidelium defunctorum per Dei misericordiam
No matter how many prayers for the dead that I prayed for a single day it won't bring them back. Tears flowed harshly down my face as I remember the cruel deeds that I had done to the ones I consider as family, for wasting their lives away for my pseudo happiness. I never realized it but they were my happiness and I ruined it because I fell for the lies of the Dark Lord who wanted me dead for years.
God, if you are really there please heed my prayers and help me to escape my pitiful predicament which I put myself into. Forgive me for all of my sins even if the crimes that I committed were unforgivable that the lives that I took can land me straight to the burning pits of hell. Give me strength to continue living my worthless existence.
In Nomine Christi
-Harry James Potter-
October 23, 2002
-Soliloquy of a broken man-