The second story in the 'Stupid Old D Adventures!' This one is considerably longer and hopefully just as strange.
Disclaimer: Yesterday I received a phone call from Andrew Lloyd Webber, who told me I didn't own Cats. I broke down in tears.
Old Deuteronomy was angry. He was bitter. He was jealous. The other Jellicles were dancing at their special ball and he was meant to be looking at them and smiling. As if he could smile when his fur looked like a giant rug and he hadn't moved for 20 years because of the weight. He struggled to his feet and looked at his younger son, the Rum Tum Tugger, dance with that Bombalurina effortlessly and sexily. Old D growled and proceeded to jump from the tyre and – to everyone's surprise – land casually on his feet.
"What?" he snapped at their stunned faces, "I'm a cat, aren't I? We land on our feet! Or am I not counted because I'm old?"
They all ignored him and carried on dancing. Old D stormed into the middle of the junkyard and proceeded to dance, feeling incredibly irresistible and cool at everyone's blank faces.
"Um, Father..." Munkustrap began and left Demeter's perplexed side to walk up to his crazy looking Dad, "You probably shouldn't do that. You might break a hip."
Old D stopped dancing and glowered at his son, but the red face and puffing made him lose his cool posterior. "What do you suggest? This is so unfair! Even Jennyanydots looks fat and old in that suit, but she can dance and look skinny in two seconds! It's not realistic!"
"Oh, I don't know, dearie." Jennyanydots spoke up, "Maybe you should try a fitness regime? You can teach cockroaches how to dance with me! It's fun!"
"NO." Old D yelled back, "It's completely idiotic. Why do we have cockroaches in a Cats musical? This must be stopped!"
"But the kittens love it, Father! Think of the kittens!" Munkustrap begged, whilst also hiding the fact that he loved Jennyanydots between his legs and dancing like an idiot.
"I think I'm having a heart attack," Old D wheezed and sat heavily on the floor. "Jenny, help me get thin."
"It could take some time," Jennyanydots admitted, "But, well...we can try. Electra, Etcetera, stop screaming about Tugger and fetch some weights from that pile of junk." She instructed and the two kittens reluctantly scurried off.
Two minutes later they returned with some heavy hand weights and dropped them at Old D's feet.
"Here ya go," Etcetera beamed, "Have fun!"
"Yeah!" Electra added, "We'll all just kindly ignore the fact you ruined our ball and watch you lift weights! It'll be fun!"
All the cats sat around in a circle around Old Deuteronomy, who cleared his throat and nodded. He hesitantly picked one up with his paw and, startled by the weight, dropped it and screamed.
"OW, OW, CURSE YOU!" he wailed, hopping up and down and nursing his injured paw, "Everlasting Cat, WHY? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?"
"Seriously, just dance with cockroaches!" Jennyanydots screamed back, "You're behaving like a baby!"
"God, Dad, you're so embarrassing," Tugger huffed and fluffed up his award winning mane. "You'll never be good looking, face it."
"You're so lame," Bombalurina agreed, "No offence."
Old D gaped at them unattractively and stood back up.
"You're all being so mean!" Victoria, the graceful and beautiful white queen exclaimed, "How could you treat our beloved leader like this?"
"Shut up, Vikky!" Mungojerrie yelled and Victoria burst into tears before running off, wailing about morals and politeness.
"Even if you're old and un-cool, we still love you," Tumblebrutus said, "Right, everyone?"
"Mmm, yeah..." they all mumbled and walked off to do their own thing – anything that didn't involve exercising with Old D.
"Thank you, Tumble," Old D said emotionally, "That meant so much..."
"Don't sweat it. I'm just going to go off and tumble and annoy the hell out of the other toms because they're secretly jealous. They might try to scratch me or wiggle their heads like crazy, but I won't care!" And with that, Tumblebrutus skipped away.
Old Deuteronomy sat back on the ground and the whole junkyard shuddered. Even the old TSE car tipped forward and rolled away with a loud crash, but Old D was too busy contemplating on what 'don't sweat it' actually meant. Was it an insult at the fact that he was trying to exercise? That little –
He grumbled insults under his breath and struggled into a press up position, and then proceeded to do exactly three before collapsing on the ground.
"That was excellent," Jellylorum applauded, "In fact, you've done so well I think you should go and have a rest."
Old D blushed, "I work too hard, I know...Well, all right then..." He saluted and strolled away to his den to sleep on his comfy cushion but...
HIS COMFY CUSHION HAD BEEN STOLEN!
GASP. OMEC, his cushion? What ever happened? You'll find out in the next instalment of the 'Stupid Old D Adventures!' Coming...soon. Tell me what you thought in a review!