A one-shot parody fiction of Banjo-Kazooie. I thought of an idea when back in the days when I was still playing Banjo-Kazooie on N64. This was all based on when Brentilda, a good witch, was telling our heroes 'facts' about Gruntilda to give them clues for Furance Fun. Perhaps Gruntilda would write a diary about her days she does.
All characters on Banjo-Kazooie belong to Nintendo and Rare
It was a gloomy, rainy day on Spiral Mountain. Banjo was sitting on his chair playing his game boy while his little sister Tooty was on her laptop, browsing on the internet.
"Banjo?" she said, "Where's Kazooie? Shouldn't she be back by now?"
Banjo didn't respond her question. He was continuing playing his gameboy which it's volume was too loud. "Huh? You said something, Tooty?" he wondered with a confused look.
"Never mind..." Tooty sighed sadly.
Then, a door was barged open by Kazooie who was running from the storm. In her wings were two bags of groceries which she purchased from a market in the Jinjo Village. She slammed the door closed and panted exhaustedly. "Whoa! Some storm out there, huh?"
"Kazooie, where have you been?" Banjo asked, "You were supposed to be home about half an hour ago."
"Well," Kazooie began to explain, "I did go to the market in the Jinjo Village like you told me to." Then, she muttered in a quick, quiet tone, "Then I went to Grunty's lair and took her diary."
"You did what?" Tooty wondered.
"Oh, nothing," Kazooie tried to lie, putting the bags on the table, "It's not like I invaded the hag's lair and took her crummy journal."
Banjo and Tooty turned to her and looked at her with a disappointed glare.
"Kazooie!" Banjo replied, "Did you know that stealing is wrong?"
"I'm not stealing," Kazooie explained, "I'm borrowing. Oh, come on, Banjo. It's not like I would read her diary just for a fun of it. So, who wants to hear Grunty's dirty little secrets?"
"Kazooie..." Banjo groaned.
Tooty, who was partly interested, closed her laptop and took out a book that entitled Gruntilda's Journal out of the grocery bags. "Wow, Kazooie," she said, "That's out of your league."
"Nah," Kazooie said, taking the book from her, "I just wanted to see how she lived her life as a witch."
"You probably don't want to hear it..." Banjo suggested.
"Don't be silly, Banjo," Kazooie said, "What's so wrong about reading a diary no matter how embarassing or stupid it could be? You'll just laugh!" She opened the diary and turned to a first few pages. When she stopped on one page, she said, "Oh, this is interesting. Listen to this."
"Oh, jolly," Banjo muttered.
The breegull began to read the page,
'Dear diary which for years kept my secrets
Tonight was a night that I'll never forget
I was taken to the ball at Creepy Castle
By a fine gentleman named Dastardly Basil
We danced and danced all night together
It's better than crappy Christmas in December
Then, to the balcony we went
As a gift, I gave him a head that once belonged to Greasy Grant
He adored my gift and gave me his under the light of the moon
A huge adorable sweaty gruesome green baboon
Oh, how I love him with all of my heart
Oh, Basil, I hope we are never apart'
"A what?" Banjo exclaimed with a disgusted look.
"Well, it did say a huge adorable sweaty gruesome green baboon," Kazooie said with a groan, sounding like she was going to vomit.
"That's disgusting!" Tooty whined, "I don't think I could take it!"
"Shut up and listen to the stinkin' book!" Kazooie replied, "I found a good one."
Then she began to read another page,
'Today I went to Hocus Pocus Mall
To purchase a brand new crystal ball
There, I met my best friend, Sweaty Betty
With her was an eight-feet tall obese yeti
She purchased him from Monster Fog
Where I remembered I once bought my own greasy warthog
We went over to the Cemetery Cafe
To have some cold worm juice and a slug stew buffet
Then we bought new clothes from the Trash Can
Along with dirty undies and a chicken-winged fan
It was a fun day while it lasts
I guess these days are just going too fast.'
"Wish I had a yeti..." Kazooie said.
"What would you do with it?" Tooty asked.
"Maybe tell him break Goggle Boy's glasses?" Kazooie answered uneasily.
"Oh, sure, Kazooie," Banjo said, "You probably would let it loose like you did with your last pet."
"Well, I didn't know that the bull that I found was chasing me around all over the mountain," Kazooie complained, "Just because I'm red!"
"Kazooie, you are red," Tooty commented.
"To the next page!" the breegull replied.
Then she read,
'Today my sweet dog Legchomper and I
Are laying on my smelly pig sty
I was reading my new Big Butts and Guts magazine
While Legchomper chewed on Groggy's fat spleen
Then I fell asleep and dreamt of eyeball ice cream
And some vomit-flavored doughnuts with sprinkled ticks that scream
Until I was awakened by a sound of a screech
Which came from a Jinjo who lived in Hammerhead Beach
I left my bedroom and found my Legchomper
Eating a grey Jinjo's body remains for supper
Oh, how so much I love my little doggie
How so much I am proud he ate Soggy.'
"Oh, my.." Banjo said, "Gruntilda is just so nasty, isn't she? Oh, poor Groggy, Soggy and the little jinjo..."
"What's Big Butts and Guts magazine, Banjo?" Tooty wondered.
"Uh..." Banjo muttered.
"Go ahead, Banjo," Kazooie snickered, "Tell her."
"Uh, Kazooie, read another page," Banjo insisted, trying not to answer his little sister's question.
Then, Kazooie continued to read the next page,
'Today I purchased three new perfumes
To satisfy my body, it would assume
Freshly burst boils which is cute
But I do adore putrid parrot puke
Although I did find sweaty gorilla feet divine
With the puke I feel rich in the mine
Then I received a call that was ringing by
To be invited for high school reunion at Fat Hag High
I was excited for it, what to wear
Maybe my ghastly grey gown with my sweaty yellow underwear
Who knows, I have to shop for a dress
If not in time, it would be quite a mess'
"Ew! Putrid parrot puke!" Kazooie replied, "That's gross!"
"I hear that sweaty gorilla feet scent is much worse," Banjo said, "You sure you want to keep going, Kazooie?"
"I'm sure of it!" Kazooie told him, "I was just, um... wondering if she was going to this high school reunion."
"You could find out," Tooty said.
Kazooie turned to one page and said, "Oh, look. Here's something interesting."
'Today while watering my verruca plant
I came across seeing Greasy Grant
He was headless, and he was mad
He cannot talk nor scream I am glad
All he did was waving his arms about
I thought it would be the time for me to get out
So I shut my window away from whom I mock
I sat upon my bed looking at my smelly socks
Which were hanging onto my ceiling
Thinking about my own feelings
So many thoughts in my head
I really wish I could talk to Undead Ed
Oh, Undead Ed, where are you
I am all alone, sad and blue.'
"She's not blue!" Kazooie replied, "She's green! What kind of a crap she's making up?"
"She's talking about being depressed, Kazooie," Banjo explained with an annoyed look, "Read it carefully if you want to know the meaning."
"Whatever, Banjo..." Kazooie muttered, flipping to the next couple of pages. Then she spotted one page and began to read it,
'I woke up and went over to the market place
And purchased a new moldy cheese flavored toothpaste
I even bought myself another fleshly burst boils
And a new dandruff shampoo called engine oil
I bumped into my best friend, Saggy Maggy
Who has with her a mad vulture named Daggy
I invited her to join me at Cemetery Cafe for lunch
For dog dung burgers and beating heart punch
They were tasty, best they ever make
For dessert I had camel spit milkshake'
"Camel spit milkshake?" Tooty replied in disgust.
"Well, they're all witches," Kazooie said, "They eat gross things."
"Shouldn't you stop reading it right now?" Banjo asked.
"No way," Kazooie said, "I'm not going to stop! This is getting better."
The breegull turned to the next page and read another,
'Today my heart was pacing
I won first place at broomstick racing
It's so amazing that I won
Even when I weigh a ton
I placed my trophy between my dragon's feet
And a nice juicy smelly meat'
"Why would anyone wanted to place their prize between a dragon's feet and a meat?" Tooty asked.
"You got me..." Kazooie said.
Then, Bottles the Mole entered the house all wet from the storm. "Hey, everyone," he greeted.
"Hi, Bottles," everyone else replied.
"Quite a storm out there, huh?" the mole asked.
"It sure is, Mr. Mole," Tooty answered.
"What are you guys up to?" Bottles wondered.
"We're invading Gruntilda's privacy by reading her diary," Kazooie answered.
Bottles has his jaws dropped. "What?" he replied.
"You might not wanted to know how she got it..." Banjo told him.
"Why would you do that, Kazooie?" Bottles exclaimed, "You know what will happen if she finds out you stole her journal!"
"I know, I know," Kazooie said, "I get blasted, or I would be turned into something freaky, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And for your information, Four-Eyes, I'm not stealing her diary. I'm simply borrowing it. Now, let me read another interesting page."
"Cover your ears, Bottles..." Banjo said.
"You've never even notice I would have ears..." Bottles pointed out.
"Shut up and let me read, Specky," Kazooie replied.
'Today is Dastardly Basil's birthday
Even in the middle of this horrid May
He invited me to his party for fun
I am glad not to view the sun
We've been playing lots of fun games
Like belly barging and bursting Banjo's pictures into flames
We also played loogie flickering
Annoying Fatty Hatty wouldn't stop bickering
Then we went back inside to perform a few tricks
Something that would make Banjo and Kazooie sick
Like blowing ballons up with my butt
And smashing, with a boulder, Humba Wumba's hut
I love to perform eating a bucket of beans
It was one of the best they've ever seen
Then it was time for Basil to make his wish
And receive gifts like a collection of rotting fish
Dead cats and orphan children's corpses on the wagon
Last but not least I gave him a cute baby dragon
Yes sir, It was a fun and all
But I wish this special day would never fall
Seeing my sweet Basil smile with his rotten grin
His dark blacken heart I am proud to win'
"Well, this was a freaky party.." Bottles said.
"And she didn't even save me a piece of that cake!" Kazooie replied angrily.
"Kazooie, you weren't invited..." Banjo told her, "Besides, she hates you. Remember?"
Kazooie looked at Banjo with an annoyed face. "I hate it when you reminded me..." She turned to the next page and continued reading,
'Today is another day for shopping
Through the small town I was hopping
I purchased myself a new broomstick
Rough Rider Deluxe from my friend, Sick Dick
Then, I bought a rare golden tooth of a Black Dragon
To add for my collection on my wagon
As I was flying home to get warm
I finally found my loogie-filled hank, my good luck charm
It was under the bed of my lazy cat
Stupid feline who I love to call her fat
Then, I decided to have some snacks, it seems
Some nice cold worm juice and chocolate eyeball ice cream
While I read my favorite magazine of all
Fat Hag Monthly with a cover me polishing my crystal ball'
"Ok, I'm going to stop now," Kazooie said.
"About time.." Banjo said with a sigh.
"But what are you gonna do with Grunty's diary?" Tooty asked.
"Well, we can always burn it or shred it.." Kazooie answered.
"Kazooie!" Banjo shouted.
"Ok, ok," Kazooie said, "I'll return it to her."
Then, everyone heard a blast as their windows reflected with a green flash.
"What was that?" Tooty asked.
"I think it's Grunty," Bottles answered.
Banjo, Kazooie, Bottles and Tooty all ran outside of the house and saw Gruntilda flying on her broomstick toward them. She approached them and landed in front of them. She dismounted her broomstick and glared at them with her nasty look.
"For my diary I must look," she began angrily, "Which one of you goons took my book?"
"And what will happen if one of us says he stole your diary?" Kazooe wondered, sounding like she wanted to challenge her.
"Then, I will give him his worst nightmare," Grunty answered, "Now, was it you, a geeky bird, a feeble mole or a fat bear?"
Kazooie thought quickly and secretly handed the diary to Bottles at the quick pace. "Grunty, Bottle Boy stole your diary!" she lied, pointing her feathered finger at him.
"What?" Bottles replied as he noticed he was framed.
"Ah ha, I knew it was you, little mole," Grunty replied, "Now, prepare to pay the toll!"
"Oh no!" Bottles replied.
"Uh oh..." Banjo gulped.
At Bottles' house in Jinjo Village, his wife, Mrs. B., was just finishing dinner for her husband. Then, she hears a door opened and closed along with Bottles' voice shouting, "Honey, I'm home!"
"Oh, good, dear," Mrs. B. replied, "You're just in time for dinner. How's your day today?"
"Well, my day went a little rocky," Bottles' voice answered.
"Rocky?" Mrs. B. wondered, "However do you mean?" She picked up a plate of fish dinner off of the counter and walked toward the table to serve her husband. But before she could give it to him, she gasped when she sees Bottles as a lump of round rock, sitting on the table. "Bottles, is that-"
"Told you my day went a little rocky..." Bottles muttered.