This was my pinch-hit submission for the 2011 DRAMIONE COUPLES REMIX FEST.
Original Couple/Prompt: Edward & Vivienne (Pretty Woman)
Thank you to my spectacularly wonderful beta, Unseenlibrarian - you are the editorial Goddess! Thank you to the Mods of the Fest for giving me the chance to pinch-hit this one, as it was a delight to write!
DISCLAIMER: "Harry Potter" is the property of J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros. "Pretty Woman" is the property of J.F. Lawton and Touchstone Pictures. This fanfiction was written entirely for fun, not for profit, and no copyright infringement is intended.
MAIN CHARACTERS FEATURED (alphabetical order, last name): Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy, Theodore Nott, Blaise Zabini
STORY DETAILS: This is totally A/U, taking place Post-Hogwarts for Draco Malfoy & gang. In this world, Hermione Granger remained a Muggle-born without knowledge of Hogwarts (she was born in Australia and lived there most of her life). She is not friends with Harry or Ron, and does not know who Draco Malfoy is. Also, there is no Voldemort in this world – never was. No Death Eaters. No war. Blood prejudice still exists. This story borrows some plot elements and some lines from the "Pretty Woman" movie to fit the scenes below, but it isn't a rewrite of the movie – it's an original twist on the theme.
SUMMARY: On a bet, Draco Malfoy jacks a Muggle car, but doesn't know how to drive it. As he stalls out at an intersection in a seedier part of Muggle London, there's a knock on his window. He looks up to see a beautiful woman offering to help him, so he makes a deal with her to drive him to the entrance to The Leaky Cauldron to meet up with his friends, Theo and Blaise, so he can collect his winnings from the gamble. But a Muggle shouldn't be able to see the entrance to The Cauldron, right? It's then that Draco realizes that he's got a Muggle-born witch on his hands - one he's incredibly attracted to. He takes her inside, to begin her education of the magical world…
RATING: M+ (NC-17: Explicit heterosexual sex – including snogging, petting, oral and vaginal sex; alcohol consumption; gambling; grand theft auto; bribery; profanity; references to stripping for a living; marriage; pregnancy)
**IMAGES for this fanfic (including what characters look like, their outfits, and the banners for this story), can be found by going here (remove all spaces from the URL to make it load properly ): http:/ / s905 . photobucket . com / albums / ac260 / RZZMG / One%20and%20One%20Is%20Eleven
ONE AND ONE IS ELEVEN
CHAPTER ONE: BLACK MAGIC WOMAN
Draco Malfoy officially hated his life.
Stopped in the middle of some godforsaken area of Soho, down a side street, he banged his arms on the round wheel that helped turn the automobile that he'd jacked not five-hundred feet back from his current location. He shouted a nasty profanity that his mother would have chastised him for speaking because now he couldn't get the stupid thing started again. It had 'stalled out,' if he recalled the correct terminology for the car's engine turning off.
Just fucking perfect! Now how in the bloody hell was he supposed to get this dodgy bucket of bolts to the front of The Leaky Cauldron before midnight, per the bet he'd made with Theo and Blaise?
Okay, in retrospect, it had been a stupid wager to have made, but he'd been a little drunk and fucking with Muggles had sounded like fun at the time he'd made it. He was feeling quite the fool now. It wasn't as if he couldn't afford to pay the wankers their fifty galleons apiece if he lost, and it didn't matter that these boyhood pranks were getting old. It was the principle of the thing that galled him: a Malfoy never lost a bet.
Frustrated and working up a sweat in anger, he kicked his heel against the metal pedals at his feet, trying to remember his third year Muggle Studies lecture on automobiles. So far, he'd figured out that to move the bloody vehicle forward, he had to press down on two pedals together and the little stick thingy in the middle of the dash had to be set towards the "1" position. Each time he got the thing moving and started to press the foot lever down to go faster, though, it would begin to make a whirling noise and he'd ease off, worried that he was going to blow the blasted thing up with him in it.
A light tap at his window drew his attention. In a heartbeat, his hand was inside his jacket pocket, wrapped around his wand. No telling what these Muggles might do, especially at this time of night and in this part of town.
A rather harmless-looking, petite blonde with honey-brown eyes smiled in at him. "Need help?" her muffled voice came through the glass.
Now what? If he didn't play this cool, it would be obvious he'd stolen the Muggle vehicle, and she'd run and find one of those Muggle authorities to sic on him. The last thing he needed or wanted was that kind of attention – because inevitably, the Hit Wizards would show up to take charge of him. He'd just have to fake this one and lie through his teeth. Lucky for him, he was rather good at such things.
He gave her his best, most harmless smile and unlocked the door, climbing out, hand still on his wand. "Yeah, I can't operate this… thing." He hooked a thumb over his shoulder at the automobile. "My friend, he asked me to bring it to him, but I don't know how to drive this type."
Curious, the girl looked around him into the car and a look of understanding overtook her pretty features. "Ah, never learned on a manual, did you? You're in luck. I just happen to have my full license. Tell you what: I'll do you a favour. I'll drive, if you'll tell me where we're going."
"My destination's off Leadenhall Street," he stated, knowing that was the closest major street name to the entrance to the Leaky Cauldron.
She hesitated, staring up at him through shrewd eyes and tsk'd. "Pretty far from here."
Draco tried to remain casual, not wanting to scare off his only offer of help, so he nonchalantly shrugged. "Not that far."
"Fifteen pounds," she negotiated.
He frowned, not knowing how much that was, exactly, but knew he it was Muggle Britain's money rate. "You can't charge me for a favour!"
She smirked at him. "I can do anything I want, handsome. I'm not the one who's lost."
Draco was about to argue, but realized how futile that would be. After all, if he took her up on her offer and Obliviated her after, it wouldn't matter what they'd agreed he pay her once they got to their destination. She wouldn't remember this conversation anyway. "Alright, sure."
Holding her hand out, she looked up at him. "Deal. Keys?"
He looked back into the vehicle. "They're in there."
Moving around him, she opened the door to the driver's side. "Climb in," she indicated the other side of the automobile. Once he did as she asked, she pulled the queer strap from the side over her shoulder and clicked it into place across the other side, near her lap. "Buckle up," she instructed. "Safety first."
It took him a second or two to figure it out, and then he was strapped in, and the woman had the vehicle started and moving. She zoomed out into the traffic without fear, whooping in laughter as she made a car swerve to avoid her. She did some shifting of the funny handle between them on the floor and depressed pedals. The vehicle made woofing noises, but didn't break down, or blow up, much to Draco's relief.
"Woo! I've wanted to drive a Z4 since they launched earlier this year!" she cried out.
He had no idea what she was saying. All Draco could do was hold onto the strap around him with a white-knuckled grip and pray to the Four Founders that she zoomed around other vehicles with a margin of skill to match her enthusiasm. This thing called 'driving' made him incredibly nervous, as these 'cars' had no ability to dodge up and down like a broom, only left and right. The chances of a crash at high speed were probable given the statistical halving of the ability to evade.
"I thought you said, 'safety first,'" he reminded her as she sharply veered off to avoid getting side-swiped by a large vehicle he vaguely remembered being called a 'truck.'
"Trust me," she beamed at him, shifting that stick again and accelerating.
It was the longest twenty minutes of Draco's life. Not even a Quidditch match had ever wrung his nerves as much. As they pulled up to the area near The Leaky Cauldron's entrance, he told her to stop. She found an open space at the curb and parked the vehicle. With shaky hands, he pushed the button to release the strap, threw it off, and jumped out of the automobile.
"You are mad!" he accused, as she met him on the sidewalk, keys held out for him. "You nearly killed us!"
"But I didn't," she calmly pointed out. "I got you to your destination safe, if not sound." He made to reach for the keys, but she pulled them back at the last second and brought them to her chest. "Nuh-uh. You owe me fifteen pounds."
Draco hated to admit it, but he was starting to like this bird. She had a reckless audacity that flew in the face of his Slytherin training. If she'd been a witch, she'd probably have been sorted a bloody Gryffindor. The thought got him a little hard. He had a private kink for the girls from that House when he'd been a teenager, as they'd had fire and passion that Slytherin girls, with their icy demeanours and their tendency to fake a good time, clearly lacked. That was knowledge he'd never shared with any of his friends or his parents, though. None of them would understand.
It was too bad he'd have to Obliviate her.
"Right," he agreed, reaching for his wand.
"I knew you were desperate to get laid, Draco, but paying for it now?"
Theodore Nott loved to razz him about anything doing with a girl. He claimed the allowance was in the Best Friend Contract, but secretly, Draco thought the man was a little too interested in his love life for comfort's sake.
He turned to face his two friends as they stepped out of the entrance of The Leaky Cauldron and approached. Blaise's attention was riveted on the blonde, but Nott's calculating smirk was all for Draco.
"Hardly," he sniffed. "The lady helped me win our bet." He pointed in triumph to the vehicle parked on the side. "I win. Pay up."
Theo took in the situation in a glance and shook his head. "We never said you could hire help."
Draco shrugged. "You never said I couldn't either."
Their conversation was cut short by the blonde walking past them and staring at the entrance to The Leaky Cauldron. "Huh, that's funny. It's like it doesn't want you to look at it."
The three men stopped and stared at her, their debate instantly forgotten.
"What did you say?" Zabini quizzed, looking about quickly to make sure there were no other Muggles around to hear. At this time of night, on a Sunday, the street was sparsely populated.
The woman pointed at the door to the wizarding pub. "I can feel it. There's an… energy… right here. It's trying to get me to look away, to hurry past. But there's this other side, it's pulling at me to open the door. Don't you feel it, too?"
"Shite," Theo so eloquently stated. They all knew what this meant – the girl had magical talent.
Draco approached her very cautiously, hand on his wand. "Can you touch it?"
This was the big test. If she could actually overcome the charm to repel Muggles, she was no Squib, but a full-blown Witch.
She shrugged. "Sure." With no effort whatsoever, she reached forward and gripped the handle, turning it and opening the door. The small bell above the door rang out and she blinked, looking in. Then, to further the shock, she stepped up and moved inside.
"Bloody hell, she's one of us," Nott exclaimed.
"Forget the Obliviation Charm now," Zabini stated, pointing at where Draco's hand had been hovering over his wand, his intent obvious to his friend. "The Ministry would know. Misuse of Memory Magic carries serious consequences."
"I know," Draco snapped, and with a sigh, went after the woman to make sure she didn't do anything stupid. The last thing he needed was attention drawn to him after he'd been caught and slapped on the wrist by the Hit Wizards a fortnight ago trying to purchase some magical 'shrooms.
The young woman was standing just inside the open door, gaping as she looked around at pints of bitter floating through the air to tables across the room, and magically moving pictures in frames above the bar showing off the English National Quidditch Team at play. She blinked twice when she saw someone step through the Floo with a flash of green light, as if it were the most natural thing in the world - which it was, to someone like Draco.
"It's real," she whispered in awe, trembling against him as he took her arm to make sure she didn't act rashly. "I… oh, God, I knew it! I thought I was going insane, but it was real all along."
"Shut up," he growled, embarrassed by her first year gawping. "Just… let's sit down. We have things to discuss." He dragged her over to a booth in the corner, and Theo and Blaise joined them a moment later. He pulled his wand from his inner pocket and waved it for privacy, while Blaise went to order them drinks. "Now, listen because I'm only telling you this once: yes, magic is real. No, Muggles don't know-"
"Muggles?" she asked, interrupting, her eyes lighting with excitement.
"Non-magical people," Theo explained. "It's what wizards and witches call them."
Blaise sauntered up and slid in beside Theo, and a waitress with a tray loaded with drinks came over, putting them down on their table. He'd ordered beers in frosted mugs all around, and a shot of Firewhisky for each of them, just in case. Zabini was good with the forethought.
"Our worlds are separate – for a reason," Draco continued the story. "Muggles have tried to kill us for centuries. They're superstitious and aggressive when faced with the uncomfortable reality that they aren't the top of the food chain. We don't mix well with their kind as a result."
The girl stared at him, a frown on her face. "I'm quite sure my parents weren't magically-inclined. They never understood any of the things I could do when I was a child. In fact, I frightened them quite often without meaning to. They once almost had me committed when I accidentally made our dog dance on its hind legs to a solo tango."
That threw Draco for a loop. Was this girl a Mudblood then? That would suck, since he'd been entertaining the idea a few minutes ago of taking her upstairs for a good shag. Something about her both infuriated him and interested him. He was uncomfortably erect in his trousers right now, and he was just sitting next to her, smelling her lovely floral perfume.
"When you were eleven years old, did a stranger appear at your door to talk to you, but was turned away?" Zabini discreetly asked. "Or did you perhaps receive a strange letter by… avian delivery?"
The girl frowned. "I wasn't born or raised here, but in Australia. My parents died the summer before my eleventh birthday. I was moved around a bit from foster home to foster home for the next few years. By the time my grandmother knew where to find me and could afford to fly me here to England, I was fifteen."
Draco traded a look with his friends.
"Maybe they thought she was too old by then?" Theo offered.
"It's more likely she got lost in the shuffle," Blaise postulated. "Moving continents, with two Ministry departments coordinating? It's a good bet her file was put on some bureaucrat's desk and forgotten."
The witch next to him suddenly became very livid. "You mean to tell me that I suffered for years with this… this… affliction, struggling to keep it under control, and all this time someone could have helped me? That I was lost in the red tape?" She slammed a hand down on the table. "Typical civil service incompetence! What do we pay those people our taxes for anyway? I need a serious drink before I blow a gasket."
She raised her hand and Draco's Firewhisky shot glass flew into it.
Whoa. He hadn't even felt the tingle of her magic to announce she was gathering a spell! From the looks on his friends' faces, they hadn't either.
Draco was now seriously intrigued. This stray witch was an enigma. Obviously, she was quite powerful, as she'd easily resisted the charm to keep her out of wizarding London's shops and accurately flung around the non-verbal Accio without a wand and without ever having been properly trained to cast such a spell. That it had taken her almost no magical energy to accomplish was a major feat unto itself. She talked funny, too – proper British inflection, despite having lived in Australia, but she used commoner slang. Apparently, she'd come from a high-class background, but was currently being influenced by a more base element.
Shite, he hadn't been this interested in a witch in… ever.
"What's your name?" he asked, realizing after the fact that his tone had sounded a bit besotted. He frowned to cover up the error and quickly threw a look at his friends. Too late, they'd heard it and were now giving him the, "oh, really?" look. He scowled at them.
The girl paused, measuring him carefully behind a topaz gaze. "What do you want it to be?" At the confused look that everyone passed, she smiled and made a sound of amusement. "I'm joking. It's… Vivienne," she stated, and he knew in an instant that she'd just told him a lie. Slytherins were trained to spot them. Her nostrils flaring and her pupils expanding gave her away.
"Well, Vivienne," Blaise cut in, obviously having caught the fib, too, but playing along for the moment, "where do you live?"
"Ah, no. I think I've done enough sharing for the night," she rather warily stated.
Zabini held his hand out to her. "Maybe if we introduced ourselves properly? Blaise Zabini, at your service." He gave a slight inclination of his head in a courtly bow.
"You smoothie," Theo teased, taking Vivienne's hand from Blaise's in an effortless and charming switch-off. "You'd never know he was the last Marchese of the House of Zabini, would you? Theodore Nott, of the Derbyshire Notts."
She turned to Draco last. He didn't offer to shake hands, but he did follow Zabini's lead with the half-bow. "Draco Malfoy."
"So modest, my Lord," Theo mocked him and Draco felt his ears go red, knowing what was coming next. The wanker leaned forward as if he planned to impart a secret to Vivienne. "He's the Heir Apparent to the Duchy of Swindon, and the current Earl of Wiltshire."
"But Swindon and Wiltshire don't have a-" she witch made to argue, but Theo cut her off.
"They did at one time, but once the International Statute of Secrecy kicked in in the late sixteen-hundreds, those wizarding families that had not already withdrawn from the Muggle world did so. They took their empty titles with them," he regaled her with an alternate history to the one she would have been taught as a Muggle. "They use them now to dictate marriages amongst the elite wizarding families – it helps them keep track of magical blood purity."
"The House of Zabini was said to have gone extinct in the tenth century, according to Muggle history," Blaise informed her. He spread his hands wide. "Obviously, that is not the case. We left it voluntarily at that time."
"And what of you?" Theo politely inquired, but it was clear he was interested to know if 'Vivienne' would hail from pureblood stock or not.
The witch cleverly didn't seem inclined to throw any of them a bone, despite the candid introductions she'd just received. She didn't seem a bit impressed with their titles, either. "I'm just… Vivienne," she cagily replied with a soft smile, a twinkle of mischief in her eyes. "I live in a small flat with a roommate, with whom I also work part-time, and I go to university as a full-time student for Marketing." She shrugged. "Nothing special."
"Well, 'Just Vivienne,'" Theo leaned forward with elbows on the table, trying to lure her into a comfort zone - as if they were all old friends, sitting about a pub late at night, sharing a drink. "Ask us anything. We'll answer what we can for you."
Her expression took on angelic proportions, but it was clear by the glint in her amber orbs that she was closer to she-devil in that moment. "Any question, you say? Alright, what's the fastest land animal?"
"The cheetah," all three of the friends replied at the same time.
Vivienne erupted into laughter, and it was a pretty sound. Coupled with the honest smile on her face, Draco was instantly smitten. She wasn't a classic beauty, like Astoria – whom his parents were considering as a match for him – but she had that girl-next-door prettiness, with a light dusting of freckles across her pert nose. Her lips were not pillowed or full, but they were definitely kissable. He was wondering what they tasted like, when her next question jolted him back to the here and now.
"So, who wants to tell me where I go to sign up to join your super-secret Magic Users' Club, and where I can get one of these," she inquired, her magic pulling the wand from Draco's inner pocket with ease and slapping it into her hand.
When he looked at her with clear surprise, having been taken aback by the fact that she'd seen it at all, much less knew what it was, her response to holding a wand for the first time was all the answer he needed.
"I felt it," she breathed in awe, turning his Hawthorn rod around and closely examining it. "It… called to me."
TO BE CONTINUED...
Please review! I'd love to hear your thoughts on this first chapter of four. The story is completed, but I'm putting them up a chapter at a time - one per week.
Chapter One title taken from the song: "Black Magic Woman" by Santana
Lines borrowed & rewritten for chapter one from the "Pretty Woman" movie:
Edward: "You can't charge me for directions!"
Vivienne: "I can do anything I want to, baby. I ain't lost."