TITLE: Weapon and the Wound
AUTHOR: Athena Asamiya (empresskatzy@hotmail.com)
SERIES: Toshinden
TYPE: Part 1/1, short Eiji monologue-rantfic. Originally produced under the title "The Soul Monologue".
WARNING: Very mild language use, nothin' else.
SETTING: Hrrrm...probably during Toshinden 2? Seems likely, given Eiji's reaction to Kayin's current mood...
THEME: "First Time" by finger eleven.
COMMENTS: Alright, here's another old fic I pulled out of the closet (no, it's not yaoi XD) and deemed worthy enough to be added to the growing TSD fanfic ranks at FF.net...as mentioned above, this one was originally written - and appears on my Toshinden fic page - as "The Soul Monologue", as it was written to be a counterfic to Shoiryu's "The Storm Monologue". As that rantfic/monologue contained a very intense Kayin POV, addressing Eiji in frustration and desperation, I thought it'd be cool to write what Eiji's response would be. What's most interesting about this short rantfic is that I actually DID perform it as a monologue - in full costume - for my final exam piece in one of my drama classes. And it turned out mighty well at that. XD So here we go...


Do you remember what we used to be like? Because no matter what, I'm not going to forget. I don't know about you, but I know that the day I forget what we were like before all this happened will be the day I lose a part of myself. Those had been the days of the three of us together, just living ordinary, uninterrupted lives...the days when we were happy, blissful in our ignorance of what kinds of hell "fate" could bring. Those were the days where we couldn't have even begun to guess that in five years' time, we'd be torn apart and turned against each other, those innocent days lost forever.

I miss those days. The days before the rivalries and the death and the blood and the betrayal and the sadness. Before the loss.

I try to remember the three of us now, but the image in my mind has blurred. I know we were smiling, but I can't make out our faces anymore. It's been too long, and too much has happened to build walls between us. And I'm tired of trying to break those walls down. I've accepted that we can't go back to what used to be, but it still makes me feel sick inside sometimes.

I'm not going to lie to you about any of this. Really, what does it matter now? After all that we've been through, I doubt that there's any secrets left between us. Then again, I could be wrong, since you've always kept to yourself, never allowing anyone to see the real you. But I'm not sure I want to know what other forms of darkness are within you, hiding somewhere. It could be more than I expect.

And the situation we're in now could cause it all to come out...

Don't assume that I'm totally ignorant of what's going on. Do you think that it's easy for me, trying my best to lead all of us against an unknown enemy, when I don't even know if I can take that responsibility? Or if I deserve their trust, their hope? I never felt responsible for anyone but myself. You know that. The weight of their lives feels like it's going to crush me sometimes. I'm not sure if I can do this. I'm not sure if I can take this. Hell, I'm not sure if YOU can take it, but there you go again, closing yourself off from the world and pretending like you don't care...sometimes, I envy you for being able to do that. I can't, and even if I could, it's too late now.

If you weren't so negative, you might see that it's not all death and darkness. If you could only open your eyes and see that if you just TRIED a little bit, you might be able to make things better for yourself...but no. You're too busy wallowing in depression and self-defeat. That's a hole I've tried to drag you out of, but you keep slipping away. I've finally realized that there's really not much I can do for you. You're the only one who can save yourself, but I know that you haven't realized that.

I know you too well. Sometimes, I think I'm the only one who can see past that damned mask that you have on all the time. Tell me, am I the only one who knows the true you? Do you think I can't see the sadness in your face, the pain in your eyes? Do you think I don't remember the innocent children we used to be?

And do you think that I don't mourn for you, like you're already dead?

Because sometimes I really think you are.

I know that a part of you died the day you found out the truth. And really, you probably didn't notice, but I was as torn as you were. I couldn't believe it, just couldn't BELIEVE that...that...Jesus, I really felt like I was going to die. I can't even describe the emotions I felt...it was all some bizarre mix of hatred, anger, betrayal, sadness, loss... Holding it all in nearly drove me crazy, you know. It was almost as bad as trying to keep myself from taking a side. I didn't want to have to choose between my brother and my best friend, my blood and my feelings. I didn't want that, ever. And I almost didn't have any choice. And when everything finally broke, when I finally admitted that things had been fucked beyond repair...I found that I couldn't even cry. I couldn't cry for you, my best friend who'd been so cruelly betrayed. I couldn't cry for my brother, who had lost his soul and humanity, somewhere in those twisted years that had been lost to us.

I just couldn't feel at all.

No one knows about that. It was a weakness that I didn't want to show anyone, especially to you. I guess that makes me sort of like you, doesn't it? Covering up the pain so not even your closest friends know that it's there. But that wound still hasn't healed, and the memories still haven't gone away. I know yours haven't either. I figure that yours must haunt you, as mine do, returning as nightmares that force you to relive that moment again and again. Feeling the same emotions again and again, until you're so numb you can barely feel at all. Am I right? Is that how you feel?

(That's how I feel.)

Sometimes I think that you blame me for this. As if it's my fault that I was born the brother of your enemy, or that I should have seen it coming and warned you. Or maybe you think that I should have stopped you somehow, stopped you from throwing your life away on vengeance. But I know that I wouldn't have been able to do it, and you know why? Because even if I told you the truth, you wouldn't have listened! Don't you get it?? You were always so stubborn, so thick-headed, you wouldn't have listened no matter how much I tried to convince you...! You just WOULDN'T LISTEN!!


I couldn't save you then. And more than anything, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being there when you needed me, I'm sorry for not being able to understand then and not being able to understand now...and I'm sorry that even when you need a friend, you shut me out like everyone else. I guess I deserve it. I wonder if I even deserve your friendship anymore. Or if I ever deserved it.

Or if you're even still my friend...


Toshinden fanfiction "Weapon and the Wound" © Athena Asamiya, 2001.

Use in whole or in part of this fanfiction without permission is prohibited. If you wish to use this fanfiction for any purpose, please obtain permission prior to doing so.


All character names, plot, story, and original moves copyright of Takara Co., Ltd., Tamsoft Co., and Playmates Interactive Entertainment. Used without permission; no rights reserved.