They sat in silence for the entire drive home. They both knew that if they tried to say anything, it would all sink in. They would have to come to terms with what had happened, and they just weren't ready.
Kurt headed straight upstairs towards his office, avoiding eye contact with Blaine.
"Where are you going?" Blaine's voice was shaky. The words that normally came so easily to him just weren't there. It was as if Kurt would shatter if he touched him, and he's lost enough already. Everything seemed so fragile, but all he wanted to do was sit with him and cry. He knew that they both needed to just feel this, but he couldn't bear to pull Kurt down like that. He hated seeing Kurt cry even when it was fixable, but this time there was nothing he could say.
"I just… I need to do something. Anything. I can't keep thinking about it. Maybe if I just do some sketches… and I've got a tonne of paperwork to sort out. I can't just wallow, OK? It'll only make things worse. I just have to distract myself, and it'll be fine." He knew he wasn't convincing Blaine, just as he knew he wasn't convincing himself. He finally let himself bring his eyes up from the floor to look his husband in the eyes. His guard came down for a second when he saw the sadness in Blaine's eyes, mixed with that look he'd seen so many times, that 'please tell me what I can do to make this OK' look. He quickly took in a faltering breath and looked away, half-running, half-staggering up the stairs, slamming his office door behind him.
Blaine's head fell. He grabbed onto the doorframe, scared of falling to the floor in a heap if he didn't have some kind of support. It was a kind of pain he'd never felt before. How could he miss something so much when he'd never really had it in the first place? Trembling, he took once last look at the office door, which was still closed, and turned towards the living room. He perched carefully on the sofa, staring at the floor, his hands clasped tightly together, and his breathing gradually got heavier. With every breath, he rocked back and forth, folding his arms across his chest, until there was nothing left to do but cry. He stopped rocking, and proceeded to knead his forehead with his knuckles, as some kind of way of regaining his reserve. It felt wrong that Kurt wasn't sitting there too. He couldn't feel this properly on his own.
It was just as he was thinking this that he felt a hand on his shoulder. Kurt's eyes were glistening.
"I miss her."
Blaine placed his hand on top of Kurt's, looking straight into his eyes so that Kurt couldn't look away. All he could do was nod.
"I know it wasn't even a 'her' yet, but I couldn't help picturing it. For some reason I always felt like it was a girl." Blaine nodded again, his lips clasped tightly together, determined to let Kurt finish. He was afraid to interrupt in case he closed off again. He took Kurt's other hand from his side and pulled him until they were sitting together. Kurt went on.
"It's just so unfair", he whimpered, knowing how childish he sounded, but also knowing Blaine wouldn't care, "I mean, this isn't the same as losing anyone else. You at least have memories to hold onto, but-", he let out a sob, and Blaine put his hand on his face. His hand was soft, but his grip was firm so that Kurt knew he could be strong for him, despite the tear rolling down his cheek.
"But we've got nothing. We didn't get to see her, or hold her, anything. We'll never know what she smelt like. I'd been picturing it for so long-"
"I know. I know." Blaine had never felt so helpless.
"I was actually looking forward to the 3am feeds, and the constant screaming, and the stupid little things, like taking her to the park, and to school, and just a look between us. That look my parents used to get when they were with me, so proud, that little 'this is ours; I can't believe how lucky we are' look. Like as long as our family was together, nothing could hurt them. Nothing could ever go wrong. I just… God…" He was sobbing now, and he put his forehead against Blaine's. They sat in silence, aside from the occasional gasp for air.
Blaine put an arm around Kurt, pulling his head into the crook of his neck. He rested his own head on Kurt's hair, and felt Kurt's hand on his waist. They leaned back on the sofa, holding each other, Blaine stroking Kurt's back and hair, and Kurt pushing his head into Blaine's shoulder and clinging to his hips. It felt like no matter how close they were it wouldn't be enough. They stayed like that for hours, barely speaking, because they didn't have to.
When Blaine woke up, it was dark, and he had a blanket draped across him. Kurt was gone. He looked frantically around, as he had flashbacks of the previous day, the hospital, the desperate look on Rebecca's face as the doctor explained what had happened. The way she apologised over and over, and the unfair resentment he'd felt towards her, and Kurt pulled his hand away when he'd tried to hold it, and how it wasn't until they were falling asleep that he thought they could actually get through this. He knew deep down that it was stupid to panic about Kurt not being there. Kurt would always be there.
Just as Blaine was taking a deep breath, calming himself down, Kurt walked in with two cups of coffee. He wasn't exactly smiling, but he looked different to how he did yesterday. Like he was capable of smiling. Blaine watched as he set the cups down on the coffee table, and sat next to him, tucking one foot underneath him and looking straight into his eyes. Kurt placed a hand on Blaine's thigh. The corners of his mouth lifted slightly. Blaine rested his hand of top of his husband's, and stared back into his eyes.
Kurt didn't realise it, but this is how his parents had looked at each other. Completely comfortable. Knowing that they were lucky to have what they had. He and Blaine had been looking at each other like this since they were 17.