"Celebrity Jeopardy: Total Drama Style"
Rated T for Crude Humor
Disclaimer: Don't own Saturday Night Live or the Total Drama series.
Chapter 13: Sam, Dawn and B
(Jeopardy! theme music plays.)
Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. before we begin, I like to remind the people living in Bangladesh to prevent severe anal bleeding at all costs. With that said in mind, today's contestants are Sam, Dawn, and B.
Sam: Haha! Two direct hits!
(Trebek sees Sam playing his Nintendo 3DS.)
Alex Trebek: (annoyed) Sam, will you please quit playing that thing of yours? We have a show to do!
Sam: (not paying attention) Damn, he almost got me there! These Crystal meth spaceships will never touch my rock hard hyacinth ark! Bow to your master!
Alex Trebek: What kind of game are you even playing, anyway?
Sam: I'm playing "Charlie Sheen and The Cocaine Factory"! WINNING!
Alex Trebek: I had to guess...anyway, let's go the categories. We have Potent Potables, Therapist, Jump On Your Two Feet, 80's Flicks, Tauruses, and Go Burn Yourself. Dawn, we'll let you start.
(Dawn isn't paying attention as she is meditating.)
Alex Trebek: Dawn?
Dawn: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! The grim fairy does not want to be disturbed. His black pixie dust is spreading across this very same minefield as it is...
Alex Trebek: How very retarded of you. Let's start with B.
(B is fallen asleep.)
Alex Trebek: Good lord, will someone please wake B up?
(Somebody throws a rock onto B's head. He immediately wakes up.)
B: (Wakes up) AHHHHH! I'LL HAVE A HOOKER WITH THOSE FRIES! (Back to reality.) What the hell? Did I just get laid, man?
Alex Trebek: Yeah, we'll say just that. Say, I know. I'll pick a category for all of you. 80's Flicks for $400. 'This movie stars Drew Barrymore and an Alien who wants to phone home."
(Sam buzzes in.)
Alex Trebek: Good, Sam. You paid attention for once.
Sam: What is Hugh Hefner?
Alex Trebek: No.
Sam: Why the hell not? I thought this was "80's Flings"!
Alex Trebek: (fumes) For the love of god, it's 80's...Flicks!
(B buzzes in.)
Alex Trebek: B?
B: What is Larry Flynt?
Alex Trebek: It's "Flicks" not "Flings"!
B: I'm sorry...my vision's blurred a bit...
Alex Trebek: I had to guess...The answer is "E.T." Dawn is your turn.
(Dawn is still ignoring Alex Trebek.)
Alex Trebek: Are you even watching the board or planning to kill yourself?
Dawn: Shhhhhhhhhhh! The near-death fairy doesn't like to be disturbed...
Alex Trebek: I see someone brought the "Hooked On Phonics Charlie Sheen Edition"...Sam, your turn on the board.
Sam: Sweet, man! I'll take The Rapists for $400.
(A strong silence.)
Alex Trebek: (fuming) Sam, that's "Therapists"!
Sam: I can read, R-tard! That says The Rapists!
Alex Trebek: Well...let's just skip Therapists and go to 'Jump On Your Two Feet' for $400. The answer is, jump on your two feet. Any one of you do that and you win automatically.
(Neither Sam, Dawn, or B jump on their two feet. BUZZ!)
Alex Trebek: And the rest of you are idiots. B?
B: Thanks. I appreciate it...I'll take The Rapists for $400.
Sam: (To B, acting like a sensei) You're learning well, my fat caterpillar...
Alex Trebek: (angrily) It's Therapists!
Sam: (declaring) Then I'm the cock of the walk!
Alex Trebek: Can't anyone of you-you know what? The hell with this. Let's just head to Final Jeopardy and the category is...you know what?
(Trebek rips the cards.)
Alex Trebek: You each decide. You each write your own answer and your own question. Start.
("Final Jeopardy!" theme song plays.)
Alex Trebek: You can write any question that comes to mind. You have to be the most handicapped people on Earth not to mess this up. There's no way you can get this wrong.
("Final Jeopardy!" theme song is over.)
Alex Trebek: Now let's see how you managed to mess this up. Sam?
(Sam is not paying attention to him. He is still playing his Nintendo 3DS.)
Alex Trebek: Sam, do you want your 3DS to live again?
(Sam is frustrated at Trebek and finally puts it up.)
Sam: Happy now, gangbanger?
Alex Trebek: Verily. Okay, Sam asked this question.
(screen reveals: You wanna go )
Alex Trebek: You wanna go. Okay, just where, Sam.
Sam: (smirking) Anything comes to mind.
Alex Trebek: Okay, and his answer is...
(screen reveals: Up your ass.)
Alex Trebek: Up your ass! Your family must be proud of you...
Sam: You wanna see it up close?
(Sam turns around and bends over, trying to moon Trebek.)
Alex Trebek: (ahuddered and disgusted) I rather not. Let's go to Dawn?
(Dawn finally comes to reality.)
Dawn: Okay, I'm done meditating. Let's start the game.
Alex Trebek: Um, Dawn. The show is over.
Dawn: Really? How long was I out?
Alex Trebek: (fuming) Try way too long! But whatever, let's see what question you came up with.
(screen reveals nothing.)
Alex Trebek: I knew it. You couldn't think up of a question?
Dawn: Well, I would've put down something to write but those damn anti-pixies got to my head and implanted crack into my sternum!
Alex Trebek: Somehow, you must be watching the "Fairly Racist OddParents." So let's just forget your answer and we'll head over to B.
Alex Trebek: Yeah, thanks for the racial slur. Let's see what kind of question you came up with.
(screen reveals: 2.)
Alex Trebek: The number 2...
B: Yep, that's a brilliant question there, my friend!
Alex Trebek: B, 2 is a number, not a question.
(B has an embarrassed look on his face.)
B: I can't read or write, man...
Alex Trebek: Good for you...so far, the winner is automatically Dawn, since she actually had the muff not to answer...
Dawn: The vengeful pot-fueled angels in the sky will be most pleased.
Alex Trebek: I'd bet they are...well, it's safe to say that every child watching at home has been robbed of their soul. Until then, so long from Celebrity Jeopardy, may all of you be s**tted on for all eternity. Goodbye.
Sam: Wait a minute, there's poop too?
(Alex scoffs and leaves.)
Well, what a way to end the parody once and for all! I hope everyone enjoyed Alex Trebek at its lowest! Read and review until then!