This is an emotion filled flight of fancy or whatever you want to call it. So prepare for angst for poor Merlin…

HUGE SPOILERS FOR SERIES 4. I advise you do not read this if you haven't seen up to episode 3 of the new series. I wasn't going to write while the new series was airing but well… I really couldn't stop myself this time at least :P

Merlin doesn't belong to me! I bow to the awesomeness of series 4! Truly amazing.

Hope you enjoy

Merlin paced past Gaius, aiming for the door to his room as fast as he could. He wouldn't be stopped not today, he hadn't stopped when Gwen called out to him, or when Gwaine had tried to drunkenly slump on him, he hadn't stopped once and so he didn't when Gaius called out to him in a concerned voice.

He slammed quickly through his door and shut it hurriedly behind him hearing Gaius rage at the door for some unknown reason. Good, it was good that the physician was angry; it meant he wouldn't follow and Merlin couldn't deal with him following now.

He'd just managed to slam the door shut when he stumbled. Breathing raggedly and he reached desperately for his chest. He tore away his blue neckerchief in a hurry and reached for the skin that burned and twisted, the pain ripping him apart to the very core and resounding within his soul.

His hand came against bare unmarked skin and he whimpered. Toeing off his shoes mostly on reflex he fell in to his bed with a gasp. Gods it hurt. Nothing had ever hurt quite as much as this and after the week he had had that was saying something.

Lying on his bed he felt his body begin to twitch. Sharp flashes of agony radiating from his chest and jumping down his arms and legs, he choked as his lungs began to struggle, as the emotions of the past few days were dredged up to the front of his mind while flashes of lighting streaked through his bones. It was the most painful attack he had suffered yet and it wouldn't be the last.

"All I know for sure is that I have lost both my parents to magic…"

A wave of agony shot straight up Merlin's spine, forcing his head back as tremors shook his slim form. It felt as if his very heart were tearing itself apart. His eyes blurred as they filled with tears, knowing the words before they were played back to him clear as day in his mind.

"It is pure evil,"

This time he couldn't stifle the near scream that tore itself from his throat. The pain in his spine spiked to new levels, his heart screaming out its own panicked beat as his whole body seemed to be attempting to tear itself apart. Tears began to streak down his face as his eyes flashed through rapid shades of gold. He couldn't see, for the moment he seemed blinded by his memories, of Arthur's broken voice. His arms were shaking as he brought them around himself, hugging his chest. He rolled on to his side facing the wall. 'Breath, just keep breathing'. And then those words came

"I'll never lose sight of that again."

Agony. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered, everything was broken, turn to sinders in his hands. Goodbye great destiny, goodbye Arthur, it was a shame they would never meet properly.

He could hear it rushing through his ears, a death scream of pure agony and it was his. Not vocal, not voiced but it was his… his magic, in agony, it was dying. He didn't even know if he should help it.

A fresh bout of agony and a howl of pain. Merlin closed his burning eyes, burning gold. The familiar words were still on his lips, always repeating so he would never forget.

"I've turned Arthur against it forever…" He whispered, closing his eyes all the tighter, "He'll never know who I really am."

Merlin's head thudded against his bed as he thought of the reply. Because Arthur needed him and Merlin had to be there for him, he did… and that had kept him going, it really had. He wanted to stay, but this was different. This agony was everything, his Magic and himself.

"It is pure evil..."

"You are a loyal friend Merlin…"

He would serve and protect Arthur to the end of his days. Arthur called him friend, something he had never really expected to hear over time. Merlin had always been a friend to Arthur, but this went beyond that. Arthur was his closest living friend.

But Merlin was magic, he didn't practice it, didn't cast it, he was magic to his very core. A creature of magic just like Killgharah.

It hurt beyond anything to hear those words. That after his years in Camelot Arthur would finally call him friend while simultaneously damning him as evil. He'd never thought he'd feel so loved and so hated at the same time.

For years Merlin had to pretend to be someone else so that he could remain in Camelot protecting Arthur, waiting for the one day he could show his true self. Now it looked as if this day would never come.

"You are a loyal friend Merlin…"

Merlin was a traitor, had been lying since he met Arthur, lying about his true self. This… fake Merlin he had become was Arthur's loyal friend and servant, he was the one who lived and belonged here and fit in like everyone else. His magic…

"It is pure evil..."

Arthur would never meet his true self. He had realized the moment he sat outside the great hall waiting for his then Prince and it hurt, hurt more than anyone could possibly imagine. But that still wasn't it, that wasn't what left him in crippling agony, certainly not all of it.

It was the realization in the dark as he sat on the stone cold floor waiting still. It wasn't about Arthur choosing between Merlin and his father any more, not about where Arthur's loyalties lie.

It was Merlin's choice between his best friend -the one he was tied to by destiny- and his magic, the magic that had been with him in the dark and the storms since he was a baby, which had been there for him his entire life. He had to choose between things as vital to him as the air he breathed.

And he couldn't.

Arthur hated the very core of him, his own beating heart.

That was when the pain started.

'Magic is a force, neither of good nor evil' you can't blame magic for its doings as you couldn't blame any force of nature. But that isn't to say that it isn't aware and Merlin's magic was very special and very alive. He was magic and that which resided in him knew more than any would ever credit it.

Because somehow in that moment it knew, it heard the words Arthur had spoken, felt the void that tore the world and destiny apart, it felt the pain of its master and the choice he had been given. It felt everything and in that moment it screamed. Agony tore through magic and in to its bearer and it wouldn't stop.

So every few hours when Arthur just happened to smile his way, or showed that glowing trust in his eyes there just for Merlin… his magic would cry out in pain. It was tearing him apart from the inside.

Merlin rolled on to his side feeling the last pangs of energy shock through him as his magic calmed, the wailing agony fading to a whimper. Merlin opened his eyes feeling the last of his tears slide down his face. He cradled his chest tighter, hugging himself or his magic or both- he couldn't even be sure if they were still one and the same. His shoulders shook with despair.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." He whispered.

He didn't even know who he was talking to but he had to say something. Because he couldn't think of how to even begin making any of this better. He closed his eyes tightly as he tried to slow his breathing. Finally he opened his eyes.

A flash of red caught his eye and he glanced down to see his red neckerchief lying discarded on the floor. He stared at it for a moment, feeling a tear run down his nose before dropping on to his bed. With one shaky hand he reached out to pick up the material, feeling the rough cloth beneath his fingers. He'd worn it the day he came to Camelot.

Without a second thought he was burying his face in the material, clutching it to his chest in some desperate attempt to hold on.

All I know for sure is that I have lost both my parents to magic

It is pure evil

I'll never lose sight of that again.

Merlin clutched it to his chest and closed his eyes against the fresh tears burning behind his eyelids. He had a choice to make.

"You are a loyal friend Merlin…"

Wow that was angsty to write phewph. I love reviews very ,very, very much so I would love it if you hit the very wonderful review button and screamed/shouted/ expressed your complete indifference, anything at all, would love to hear what you think.

I don't know if I should carve a story out and keep this going so that will also be up to reviews and what you all think :) so continue or leave as a mildly depressing one shot – It's up to you!

Goodbye for now and thanks for reading