CHAPTER 1: No Sex?
"You're not in bed."
Sasori couldn't help but sound surprised as he entered their apartment. It was eleven, and Sasori had honestly been expecting Deidara to either be asleep, or to still be in bed, moaning about a sore ass and an aching back.
Deidara's face twisted into an ugly scowl as Sasori's shocked words registered in his mind. He had been waiting up for the redhead since ten, and had decided to pass the time by sitting on the couch and watching a movie. The blonde didn't really want to wait until the next morning to inform his boyfriend (that would honestly be changing very soon if some things weren't fixed very quickly) about the lack of sex he would have to endure. Also, he was feeling rather malicious as well, and wanted to see Sasori break down sooner rather than later.
"I'm going to pretend you never said that, un," Deidara spat out bitterly, before letting a faux smile grace his lips. "How was the movie, un?"
"It was alright," Sasori shrugged, obviously not noticing the blonde's less than warm countenance. "It was just like every other horror movie. Completely irrational and pointless. How are you feeling?" He added hastily, recalling Kisame's words about the blonde leaving if he didn't act like he cared, and soon.
Deidara snorted. "Oh, so nowyou care, un?"
"What are you talking about, Brat?" Sasori's brows furrowed slightly. "I always cared."
"Right…" The blonde drawled out. "That's why you left me to fend for myself while you went to the movies today, right? And that's why you didn't even give me a break at all last night, un! I get it now…it's because youcare,un."
"…Deidara?" Sasori honestly felt kind of scared as Deidara began ranting and raving with a manic look on his face. "Are you feeling…alright?"
"Oh I'm just peachy! Thanks for caring, un!" He snapped in reply, standing up abruptly and ignoring the sharp pain still tangible in his lower regions. "It's just a sore ass, right? And it's just a pain in my spine, obviously that's not important, un!"
"No! You know what, un? I'm not okay!" Deidara began screaming incessantly. Sasori was barely able to decipher the words flowing out of his lips in a mad fit of rage. "We're done, un!"
Sasori felt his heart plummet and twitch at his ankles. He stared in horrified silence for a beat of time, before managing to find his voice and choke out a weak, "What?"
"You are not allowed to touch me for the next month, un!" The blonde declared, a twisted grin curling at his lips. Sasori's heart, if possible, plummeted even further. And then proceeded to promptly bleed out and die.
"Not…allowed…?" Sasori stuttered a bit, feeling the shock rush through his systems before crashing and burning. "Dei…you don't mean that." Sasori offered his lover a hesitant smirk, which was immediately shot down by the stream of daggers flying from the blonde's eyes.
"I'm dead serious," Deidara hissed. "My ass hurts. Like hell. And since you never seemed to care before, you get to suffer through the consequences, un." The blonde walked stiffly towards the door leading to their bedroom, leaning against the doorframe and crossing his arms over his chest. "That means no hugging, kissing, making-out; you don't get to go closer than a meter to me—"
"Nuh-uh-uh," Deidara tutted. "I'm not done yet. No body contact, you don't get to sleep in the same bed as me, and no sex, un. Oh, and try anything with me, and I'll toss you out of the house, un." Deidara added the last part with a sweet smile.
"Now, if you'll excuse me," Deidara promptly said, cutting off whatever his shocked lover was about to say, "my back aches and my ass hurts and I'll just be going to bed now. You can sleep on the couch, un. The blankets are in the cabinet. Good night, un!" The blonde chirped as happily as an angry, sadistic, psychotic blonde could be, before entering their—his bedroom, and slammed the door shut. Sasori distantly heard the click of the lock.
The redhead continued to stare, dumbfounded, at the door before his muddled brain finally caught up with his predicament, and he let out a feral growl before slamming his fist into the wall.
"I win," Kakuzu declared loudly. Hidan looked up at the older man with a tired look on his pale face.
"What the hell are you talking about now, dumbass?" Hidan asked before letting out a yawn and dropping back onto the bed.
Kakuzu glanced back from where he was seated at his desk (refilling his tax forms) before answering, "I win our little bet."
"What the hell, bitch?" Hidan snapped grumpily from under his huge duvet. "You don't know that."
"He just texted me," Kakuzu replied just as readily. "Apparently Deidara snapped, told him that he's not allowed to touch him for another month, now he's about to wallow in his self-pity at the nearest bar and wants us to join him."
Kakuzu heard the rumble of Hidan's deep, throaty chuckle as it resonated around their room. "Hah…serves that bastard right. But I think Deidara should've fucking dumped his ass instead."
Kakuzu just grunted. "Whatever. Do you want to go or what?"
"Fine, fine, fine," Hidan groaned before rolling over onto his stomach. Kakuzu watched in mild interest as the blanket got caught between his legs. "Just let me put on some pants."
Kakuzu grunted again and made his way to the door. He backtracked and gave the albino a vapid look. "That reminds me…Hidan, where do you keep your piggy bank?"
"Why?" Hidan asked, cocking an eyebrow. He was bent over, rummaging through his closet for a pair of pants (and hopefully a pair of boxers as well) and very much mooning at Kakuzu.
"Because I won our bet, and now I get everything in your piggy bank," Kakuzu spoke slowly, as if speaking to a slow three year old.
Hidan blinked. "But I didn't bet my piggy bank, you money-whore."
"No, I did," the older of the two answered. "But since I bet my piggy bank, that means you bet yours as well, so where the hell is it?"
"You are nottouching my piggy bank, fucktard."
"Go run around in a forest of cocks, get yourself covered in cum, and then fucking prosecute yourself, bastard."
Thirty minutes later, a grumpy, manly-pouting Hidan stomped into the bar followed by a smug and three-dollar and twenty-nine cents richer Kakuzu.
The two plopped onto the bar stools. A chorus of unenthusiastic greetings arose. Hidan paid it no mind and immediately called over a pretty waitress, prepared to drink away his frustration, and Kakuzu looked around.
Itachi sat at the very end of the bar, looking extremely pristine and put-together for one-thirty in the morning, albeit with his eyes closed and light snores escaping him. Kisame sat next to the Uchiha, slumped over with a nice puddle of spittle forming at the corner of his mouth and onto the wooden surface as he snored away. Konan looked like she was having a mental war with herself, if she should sympathize with the redhead, or castrate him for waking her up at such an ungodly hour.
And Kakuzu was pretty sure Pain was sleeping with his eyes opened.
"Is he dead?" Kakuzu asked, pointing a finger at the immobile redhead, who was slumped over the bar. His chest wasn't even moving up and down to indicate breathing.
Konan's eye twitched.
"He would be soon," she snapped, before her features softened considerably. "But I feel kinda sorry for him…who knew Deidara would pull a stunt like this. Besides you, of course." She added the last part with a roll of her amber eyes, recalling their little bet.
Hidan slurped his margarita noisily, leaning over to get a good look at Sasori before chuckling. "Eh, the little asshole deserves it."
Konan sighed. "I can't argue with you there," she admitted. "But still…you should've seen him before. He looked like his world just ended…"
"Not getting fucking laid would do that to a person," Hidan stated. "I would know."
Konan rolled her eyes again. "It's not just no sex; apparently Deidara's not allowing Sasori to touch him either. No kissing, hugging..." She broke off with a shake of her head. "I don't know how he's going to survive."
"I don't think Deidara could last a month without any contact, personally," Kakuzu mentioned offhandedly. "I'm pretty sure he just acted on impulse. He'll probably call off this whole 'no-sex' act by the end of the week."
Konan opened her mouth, ready to reply when Kakuzu's phone began beeping.
Kakuzu whipped out the cellular device. "Hello?"
"Kakuzu, un?" Deidara asked on the other end. "Is Sasori with you?"
Kakuzu raised a brow as Konan shot him a questioning look and Hidan chugged down his fifth margarita in three minutes. "Yes, why?"
"Is he wallowing in self-pity right now, un?"
"That's good…that's very good, un," Kakuzu stared blankly at nothing while Deidara's slightly creepy chuckle sounded and rang through his ears. Finally, the blonde's voice began again. "Thanks Kakuzu, un! I'll talk to you later!"
Kakuzu blinked one more time before cracking a small, slightly sheepish smirk at Konan.
"But then again, he could probably keep this up for another month. Or two." At Konan's confused look, he elaborated. "He could be pretty malicious when he wants to be."
Hidan was too drunk to answer at that point.
And Konan just looked away, recalling a distant memory that involved a malicious Deidara, and green hair.
A/N: Yeah, this chapter was kinda…blegh. I don't really like it, I mean the beginning was alright, but the end was so…I dunno. X3
But anyways…thank you everyone for your super-super awesome reviews! I mean, 19 reviews for one chapter? *dies* But I died in a super-mega-ultra awesome way, of course. THANKS GUYS! :D
I'll try to update soon(ish), maybe… X3
And does anyone notice how I seem to have a fetish for putting our dear Akatsukis in a bar due to heartbreak and/or sex deprivation? No? It's just me? Okay then!
P.S. And the reason my author's note isn't in bold is because FF is being a meanie and condenses all my bolded letters and words together into one big blob. Sigh… And the Kakuzu/Hidan parts were thrown in just for fun…sorry if it seemed kinda random! And Sasori is so OOC…kind of. Oh well…