Song by Heart
He was dead inside, there was no denying it. Jason grasped his uneasiness begrudgingly if loneliness was more certain in death than the latter was in life next to taxes.
He forgot how comfortable the sheets were, in the center of two hours until midnight, when it was only he whom sat there. He should've been underneath the covers if he knew how to sleep.
Or if he knew true comfort. It was pointless now as long as this relentless thought lingered.
Out of the blue, maybe literally, he pictured the stars. They were like fluorescent stickers across the dome of darkness, tinier than far away given the right perspective, so distant yet so beautiful.
For the first time in his life, it reminded him just how near sighted he really was. If he was to take off his glasses, there wouldn't be any stars, just darkness.
"So this is how she sees the world" he muttered to himself, holding the skeletal goggles between his grasp.
…I hear the ticking of the clock, I'm lying here, the room's pitch dark
I wonder where you are tonight, no answer on the telephone…
It was a quiet Friday afternoon and Jason was finishing his math homework. Given his solitude, he wished he could´ve procrastinated instead. He previously had plans to play some Call of Duty with Marcus afterwards, but no one could judge if nighttime would come before he made it to the last trinomial equation.
There was a possibility of squeezing a sleepover, however, he never knew.
It was hard enough already. He couldn't do it in peace as there were loud mumbling voices coming from downstairs. This made them louder than usual if even he could hear them.
It took them a whole ten minutes to stop. Afterwards, Jason was distracted by a newly found curiosity. It could've either been his parents, Paige or Peter who had just argued. He wanted to go downstairs, just to see what the whole commotion was about.
A potentially serious issue he deserved to have a say in.
He went down and saw no one but his parents there, sitting on the couch and watching the news. There was relief waiting for him.
"What was all that ruckus for?" asked Jason.
Andy looked at Jason, then at Roger, wondering how to respond to their son. It was hard enough for her; she wished her husband would explain. She didn't know how to make it easier than it was, but tried out on a limb.
"It was Peter" she replied "He and Denise had a fight and…it didn't end well"
Normally, Jason didn't care, but he was still satiated to know it wasn't them.
"What? Did they break up or something?" asked Jason.
This was not the kind of situation parents were usually expected to take lightly. Roger knew this too well as it was his turn to reply, giving the remote to Andy.
"That's something you're going to have to ask him yourself, son" he replied. Jason looked down, taking in the lenient responsibility they hinted.
"Okay" Jason shrugged, knowing he was not planning to. If they didn't care, Jason didn't have to either.
Halfway in his path towards the stairs, he saw something lying on the table that wasn't there before. Jason knew a binder when he saw one, but this one didn't have words written on it. Instead, there were tiny bumps arranged like dominos.
It was Braille.
Denise must've forgotten it.
"Mistake number one" he told himself. It was now a bigger room from Jason's perspective. He never knew if it was yet to shrink once his growth spurt kicked in.
Puberty had a funny way of sneaking up on you when you were off guard. Jason was never on guard from the get go so he should've seen it coming anyway.
He felt so weak, whenever he imagined her face. The face that plunged him into a viral sympathy he once swore to stay away at all costs.
Or at least he thought he did.
…And the night goes by so very slow
Oh I hope that it won't end though
He looked at it, then back at his parents. It was pretty obvious they didn't want to involve themselves in his brother's life. And sadly, nobody really knew how hard breaking up was, not even Jason.
Then again, he didn't like girls, so apathy was stronger than ever.
Maybe he could just take it back to her and tell his brother he did him a solid. It's not like Jason minded.
In less time than he could remember, Jason was able to bike all the way to Denise's. Near her house's sidewalk, he already began doubting this was such a good idea. He didn't have to do this, that should've been a given.
And yet he wanted to anyway, or else who would?
He almost measured each step as he walked towards the door. He thought it was ridiculous to treat a situation this nervously. All he had to do was tell she left her binder in his brother's house, return it and leave, it was that easy. She'd be too emotionally stricken to reply anyway, he knew it.
All his thoughts disappeared when he saw how close he was. They distracted him until he didn't see the door coming his way.
Clearly he felt as if hesitating was the only option. But since his collision was somewhat loud, it was in a way his previously desired albeit unconscious manner of knocking.
Making it too late to escape.
She opened the door before Jason could turn around.
"Hello?" Denise asked "Who is it?"
He already knew how it would all end. And yet he could never sway the thought away. In fact, distracting himself with other images or ideas would only make things worse. It's almost like everything he saw linked to the idea of her.
Including and especially Star Trek.
…Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone?
How do I get you alone?...
"You once asked me why I married your mother. I married her because I loved her." said Sarek once.
If Vulcans, the smartest beings in the universe, were capable of breeding to the depth it would require emotional toil, why not him? It's not like he was homosexual either!
Jason didn't want to resist, nor did he need to. He just wanted to take it for granted in the easiest way there was, an impossible feat as long as he kept it to himself.
It was his brother's ex-girlfriend for crying out loud! Just because Peter went with her meant he had to as well?
Jason froze. She was there and most likely listening to every breath he was using up. He had to snap out of it, do it quick as he remembered.
"Ahem, it's...me, Jason Fox" he said, sticking the binder out. "I think…this belongs to you"
She directed her attention to his voice.
Denise didn't look too happy. The same could be said about sadness, even if the dull expression came with an undemanding answer.
Jason was somewhat startled by the way she moved her white cane. It landed on his shoulder, tapping but never hitting him straight on. Something told him she already knew where he stood.
That theory was credited even more when Denise ceased tapping that same area once she got to the binder he was holding.
She took it away from Jason's grasp.
"Did he send you here?" she asked restlessly, caressing the binder.
Jason gulped. Her tone almost made him doubt his upcoming answer. In a way, she could've meant if in an indirect sense, Peter inspired him to bring it back to her. Jason hoped it was only meant as the actual command.
"No! I just saw you left it so I brought it back" he replied defensively.
"That's all I came for…to do…I mean...so...goodbye"
Jason turned around and walked away, definitely keeping his hopes up she didn't need him for any other means. He should have known there was always something to prove him wrong whenever he came halfway.
"Jason! Wait!" she called out, making him stop still.
He could pretend he didn't hear her. He could just continue walking as if he still had a choice, which he did. She couldn't see him anyway, that meant there was hope.
Jason argued with himself about all this, oblivious to the footsteps approaching him.
The cane tapped his shoulder once again, chilling his spine in the process. Jason turned around and saw her standing by his side. For someone an inch shorter than his brother, she still beat him by enough.
Denise crouched down to his level, evidently making it clear she knew he was listening.
This could be a nightmare if he wanted to.
"Thanks for bringing it back" she said earnestly.
Those words could make any boy younger than her blush. Jason didn't know if that was his case, though his sweating counted by default.
This was getting weird, he had to end this quick.
"It was nothing" said Jason, before he tried moving away.
Denise laid her hands on his face, making it even harder. She instilled more fear into him for every second passing. Maybe if he let her finish, this wouldn't feel so hard.
"No really I appreciate it, Jason" she said, making sure he was actually looking at her face when she couldn't. Indeed he was, but he trusted this would end well.
"No problem" he replied, smiling once she removed her hands.
There was that angelic face again.
She had such a shiny charisma. Whether it was her hair, glasses, personality or simply all of them put together, it threw him off. He almost wondered why his brother was stupid enough to leave her.
Just the image made him surrender to her whim, his imagination getting the best of him.
Then it happened. The whole world became dark, and his body became stiff as wood when he sensed what came next. He even forgot who he was once it was over.
His eyes closed, savoring the painful memory. He then faded into the imaginary sting, eventually forgetting it was awful.
This reminded him of his true feelings when given the chance to absorb the idea. Never once had he felt something so organic in his life.
…You don't know how long I have wanted to touch your lips and hold you tight, oh
You don't know how long I have waited and I was going to tell you tonight…
"You can't stop now, Jason!" he said to himself "It's not a lie, so face it!"
Denise only meant to give Jason a quick peck to the cheeks, describing how much her gratitude stood for. He was the brother of the one who broke his heart and nothing more. There was hope that Jason was the exact opposite of him.
Instead, she missed and got his lips.
"OH! I'M SO SORRY! I…I didn't-" said Denise once she separated herself, devastatingly embarrassed about the mishap "Don't tell Peter!"
Denise didn't need to see herself to know she was blushing. It was convenient that she knew the way back as she quickly ran towards the door of the house.
…But the secret is still my own and my love for you is still unknown
Leaving Jason deserted and in a very frightened shape.
He didn't need to blame himself; the event was sudden, unlikely for anyone in spite of the statistics. Besides that's how everyone's first kiss was: awkward.
"How could I do this to myself?"
Fortunately, the memory was over. A regretful void was left in its stead. Regret for having misjudged girls for terms like "cooties" or "bangs" which lacked sense when studied upon.
"You really did it, Denise!" he said to himself, closing his eyes tightly.
"Even if I can hate any other girl in this wretched planet, I can't hate you….I shouldn't"
…Till now I always got by on my own I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone How do I get you alone?
How do I get you alone How do I get you alone?...
Jason lied on the bed, waiting for his impassive ennui if not something similar to knock him out.
From then on out, he vowed to love only one in his life. He also vowed to keep it to himself, unless Denise was willing to go first. Forbidden love was the most enticing of its kind when only one between the two concealed the urge.
It was also the most depressing.
How he didn't want to do this. He would do anything to reenact the moment, to remove his fear he once mistook for common sense.
"You don't like her at all!" he said to himself, peering until his eyes glimmered with the moisture of his dormant tears. Only when he closed them were they released.
Corny, I know. As predictable as it sounds, I conjured this up while working on The Sect. I figured it would both explain what happened to Jason during the time before and give me an excuse to write another songfic. By the way, this has nothing to do with my piece of rubbish "Ambiguity", though good guess.
Thanks for reading.