Contest: Twilight of Craigslist AD Contest (Part I)
Title: FLASH MOB: Those in Glass Houses Should Not Throw Rave Parties
Word Count (minus A/N and header): 712
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FLASH MOB: Those in Glass Houses Should Not Throw Rave Parties (Forks)
Date: 2011-10-21, 8:30PM
Reply to: hissingswan (at) craigslist (dot) org
But since I don't own the home, I'm throwing one instead! Why, you ask?
6 years ago my ass of an ex dumped me in the fraking woods, deliberately abandoning me in a spot from which I couldn't find my way home. At the expense of $3500 to Callum County's emergency department, I was finally found at 4 a.m., but was in the hospital for over a week recovering from hypothermia and emergency surgery for the loss of two toes and a fingertip. Said ex and his lovey-dovey family skipped town with not even a good bye.
Well, after years of alternative therapy, and some new found confidence I found after a life altering trip to Italy to work on my Master's degree, I'm back. Further, thanks to Callum County Circuit court finally ruling in favor of my lawsuit against that freaky pack of suckers, I am now in legal possession of the whole contents of the abandoned mansion they once called home. They didn't show, I won by default. However, I was already in the illegal possession of most of the stuff in there anyways. Shouldn't have shown me where the hidden key and the alarm pass code was, suckers!
So, the art work, historical valuable objects, and any miscellaneous cash I found is long gone. (How the frak do you think I paid for going to Italy for my Master's degree?) What is left is closets upon closets of 6 year old designer fashions, all the furnishings, a CD collection from hell (who knew there were 73 CDs of Burt Bacharach?), a library full of books, a stocked garage full of tools, and other junk galore.
The court order says if it can be carried out, its mine. Which means its yours!
Party starts at 8:30. BYOB and BYOF - the kitchen is empty and I'm on a liquid diet, so suck it. Anyone over 6 foot 3 from the Rez WILL be made to wear a dress from my ex-BFF's closet. I have needle and thread and will make it fit. Hey, most cost over $2000 off the rack, so don't whine!
Rules: No fires - what-so-ever - so leave the bongs at home. I'll be hauling out the contents of the house room by room and throwing stuff out the windows to make it easier to get stuff on the front lawn. If something hits you in the head, its your own damn fault. If you must have sex, use the baby grand piano as the house is free of beds. I will be taking pictures, so exhibitionists are welcome. I suspect my ex was too busy jerking off on the keys of said piano, which is why he never let me to touch him. The piano stays, btw. I lost my virginity on top of it a few years ago with a turd from high school that my ex absolutely hated. I want to leave something for him to remember me by.
Since water has been shut down to the house for years, I will be setting up a Port-o-Potty in the garage on top of a 2006 Volvo S60's open moon roof. That car is NOT available as a party favor. It must remain in the garage when done. I'll leave the back windows down so guys don't have to wait in line to climb onto the roof.
Anyone still standing will be chased away an hour before dawn. You do not want to see my sparkling personality during the day.
To find the party, drive down Division highway leaving Forks about three miles. I'll have all kinds of pukey-pukey twinkle lights lighting up the driveway entrance at 8:30 on the dot. Don't try to show up early - you won't be able to find the way before then.
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