101 Ways to Kill Jar Jar Binks
Chapter 1: Airlock
Life for Anakin Skywalker had started off well. He learned that he had more midichlorians that anyone else in the galaxy, and was slowly but surely becoming a hero.
For a moment, it seemed that his life was perfect. He even had a girlfriend of sorts in the form of Padme Amidala, who he thought was smoking hot.
Until he came into his life.
Anakin Skywalker simply could not tolerate being near Jar Jar Binks. He thought that he was such a pest, even when he first met him.
"I hate that stupid little Gungan!" he spat.
Immense hatred flowed in his veins, and he eventually vowed to get rid of the annoying pest once and for all. He was not sure about how his friends felt about him, but he knew that he had to do something to end the torture he put whoever encountered him through and stop him from further ruining the Star Wars prequel trilogy.
But he had one problem-how was he going to do so without being caught by his friends and family? They would not be happy that he had killed his loyal comrade. They would most likely throw him into intergalactic prison, and he had no intention of spending the rest of his life there.
So he had to keep those thoughts about killing Jar Jar Binks behind him, much to his disgust…
Until he met a strange figure wearing a strange cloak.
"I've got something that might interest you." he said.
He was initially suspicious of this stranger, until he handed him a book. It was entitled the Book of Resurrection.
Anakin Skywalker was skeptical of the book's powers and was about to simply throw it away, until the figure demonstrated by killing a Jedi (much to Anakin's horror and shock) and then chanting the words that were written on the book. The Jedi mysteriously came back to life, unaware of what had happened to him just a few minutes ago.
Anakin Skywalker was initially horrified, until the strange figure explained what he could do with it.
Suffice to say, Anakin Skywalker was very, very pleased. Not only could he use the book to get away with murdering Jar Jar Binks, but he could also use the book to murder him as many times as he wanted. He was so happy he could almost cry.
Now all he had to do was decide how to finish off the irritating Gungan once and for all.
He decided immediately on one that would be extremely simple to pull off, which was simply blasting the Gungan into space.
And so he lured Jar Jar Binks onto the ship.
"Where wesa going, Anakin?" he asked.
"Oh, someplace you've always been dying to go…" he replied, making a pun as he did so.
Luring the "poor" Gungan near the ship's airlock, he suddenly pressed a button, and Jar Jar Binks was immediately sucked into space.
"Mesa suffocating!" he screamed, right before all the oxygen left his lungs. He died in approximately a minute, much to Anakin's satisfaction.
Making sure that his friends would not notice what he had done to his Gungan "friend", he then used a tractor beam to place Jar Jar Binks back into the ship, and used the resurrection spell on him. It was as if he never committed the grisly act that led to the Gungan's death.
But still he wasn't satisfied. He had many more things in mind for the Gungan.
Many more ways to put him to death…
"One death isn't enough for Jar Jar Binks…I shall have to put him down again….I shall do it for everyone in the galaxy, I shall do it for my fans, I shall do it for every Jar Jar Binks hater in existence!"
The strange figure that had offered him the book smiled with satisfaction. His mission was complete, and he proceeded to tell the others.
I bet a lot of Star Wars fans are probably going to enjoy reading this story…I think I'm probably going to enjoy writing it too…
So feel free to leave any suggestions, such as how to kill off Jar Jar Binks, for instance! And just to let you know, this won't be the last time we'll be seeing that stranger Anakin Skywalker encountered earlier, in case it wasn't obvious….so expect more from him in the future. So until next time!