The 3,406th Smile.
Disclaimer: I don't anything in this fic except the order of the words and the sentiment expressed.
MattxMello, random oneshot angsty fluff thing. Might do one from Matt's point of view… probably not but… maybe if I get enough reviews IDK. xP
I guess its set in Wammy's if you want, but the setting isn't really important…
Mello's POV, tenses change a lot, I know, you don't need to tell me… I'm actually not sure why I'm posting this, it was mostly written for emotional catharsis, not for accuracy or good writing, and I will probably hate it come tomorrow morning, but it needed to be written. Soooo yeah, enjoy me ranting about my problems in the form of fictional characters.
"LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE."
You know when you have one of those dreams where the sky is purple, or you are breathing underwater, or your dead grandmother is having tea with you in a London garden, and you know something is terribly off, but you can't bring yourself to care because all that matters at the time is the fact that its happening?
"Matt, please, what's wrong, just fucking talk to me—"
"FUCKING GO AWAY."
Well… Matt was angry. Matt, the kid who never takes his nose out of his games, who is so incredibly brilliant he could easily beat me or Near but doesn't, because he can't bring himself to care enough to put in the effort, and somehow still manages to place third; Matt, my best friend whose utter calm was often the only thing that can stop me from flipping my shit entirely by pure osmosis of chill. MATT was ANGRY. Matt was screaming, and crying, and slamming doors, and it was just so completely and utterly wrong that I couldn't think to do anything but stare dumbly, and rack my brains for what I could have possibly said or done to make this happen.
He had taken a break from his shouting and was facing at the wall, shoulders shaking with silent sobs. I watched as he removed his goggles and began wiping furiously at his eyes with the sleeves of his stripy shirt. I crossed the room, hesitantly, because honestly, I was a little scared to see him like this. Yeah I know, big tough Mello is scared. How shocking. Maybe this gives you an idea of just how fucking unusual this is. Its like the sea suddenly turned bright orange and the sky into shining silver, or like L's true identity was revealed to be fucking Justin Beiber or some shit like that. Yeah, it's fucking scary.
Shaking my head in an unsuccessful attempt to rid my brain of confusion, I rested my hand on his shoulder, watching him sink under its weight like I'd just put the world there instead.
"Matt… fuck, I don't know what I did but… hey, I of all people know what its like to lose your shit, so you know… I understand…"
I felt his shoulders tense under my hand. I regretted those words as soon as they left my mouth. Fuck Mello, way to be an insensitive prick and make this about you. Jesus I'm an awful friend.
Suddenly he whipped around to face me, throwing my hand away like it burned.
"HOW COULD YOU UNDERSTAND?"
Tears were streaming down his face as he screamed, and he looked more hurt and angry than I'd ever seem him, and shit, I had royally fucked up this time hadn't I.
"How the FUCK could you possibly know, what its like to love someone so much that you can't escape it and it follows you around everywhere, closer than a shadow because its STRANGLING you with every breath you take, and you can't do a fucking thing to stop it? Because know matter how much you know that its stupid, that they will never love you back, that it would ruin everything you have, that its only causing you pain IT WONT FUCKING STOP and every day you only love them more? How could you ever FUCKING KNOW what it feels like to wake up in the middle of the night and cry because of that dream you can never FUCKING finish, and then you go through the day smiling and laughing and HATING yourself for it because mostly it's a lie, but sometimes its not, and how could you be fucking HAPPY like this, when every time they smile the sun shines and your heart breaks for the 3,405th time and YEAH YOU FUCKING COUNTED because what else is there to fucking do. And the best part is you are such a fucking great actor that NOBODY KNOWS and they all think you are perfectly fine until it all fucking explodes because it was the 3,406th time and suddenly you couldn't take it anymore."
He finally stopped, breathing ragged and heavy, face flushed from perhaps the most honest and open expression of emotion he had ever shown, unhidden from the lack of his usual goggles.
With every word that came out of his mouth my eyes widened more and more, until they must have looked like fucking dinner plates.
Matt… Matt loves someone? Fuck, how… how the fuck didn't I know that… He tells me everything, shit, he told me back years ago when he first had a crush on that chick Linda (never fucking got that by the way, she was such a total airhead)… he told me about the time he broke into Roger's liquor cabinet just to get drunk as shit for no reason, and then blamed it on the new kid across the hall… he fucking told me his real name, for fucks sake… How did he… Fuck why does my chest hurt so fucking much? Why do I feel like I'm about to cry?
"Shit Matt… Why… why didn't you tell me… No… that's not it, its… fuck… I…"
Why do I feel like this?
His face beginning to flush, he looked away uncomfortably, and muttered something into his shoulder.
At the sound of his real name he flinched. Then, he sighed heavily, like he had decided to do something he did not want to do.
Slowly, and nervously, he turned to face me, and look me right in the eyes and oh fuck those eyes, they are so blue, God, I can't even think right now because they are just so fucking expressive, and so, SO, fucking beautiful.
He swallowed heavily, and spoke, voice raspy from shouting and clogged with tears.
I… um… what? Brain, you are not fucking helping here, I need to hear what he said, this is fucking important, now what was it, you fucking- No, no, you have to have that wrong… He…can't… I…
"Um… come again?"
I can't have heard that right, or maybe there was some new kid named "Yuu", yeah, that has to be, I just… no, its not possible. No way in fuck could he love me back…
…! Wait, shit what am I thinking… Do I… do I love him…! Fuck, oh fuck, ohhhh fuck, fuck help me….
Matt slowly, gently placed a hand on my cheek, and his eyes, oh GOD his eyes, he just looks so—fuck, I'm leaning into his hand aren't I.
"I love you." He mutters, with bit more conviction, voice still shaky with nerves and crying and with just a tiny tinge of hope in those bottomless cerulean eyes.
God help me, I love this fucking beautiful boy, how the FUCK did I not notice it till now.
And then I'm leaning forward and I can't stop because he is looking at my lips with an expression that is so utterly and undeniably love, and—
Fuck, why didn't we do this sooner…
A few eternal, soft, sweet, beautiful seconds later I pull back just enough to mutter into his lips,
"I love you too idiot…"
I feel them twist into a grin, and so I preemptively shut him up the best way I can. Judging by his enthusiastic response, he does not object to this method.
Well, there it was, in all its disjointed overly emotional and personal glory. God why the fuck am I posting this online. Oh well, hope you enjoyed. I hope I made a few fangirls happy.
(If you were wondering, I identify strongly with Matt… yeah.)