Disclaimer: I do not own Glee, that honor goes to Ryan Murphy, Ian Brennan, and Brad Falchuk, nor do I own any of the songs featured in this story, that goes to their writers, record companies, and artists.
This brilliant piece of work belongs to the boys at RoosterTeeth, I'm just ripping them off shamelessly, but lovingly.
Setting: Takes place in an alternate universe where the characters are soldiers in an awesome and funny sci-fi setting in the Halo world.
It was downtime for the Reds and the Blues. Well, actually, all the time is downtime for these two miscreant groups because, really, all they do is stand around and talk.
Speaking of which, this was one of those times. Private Sam Evans, de facto leader of the Blue Team, was standing on a grassy hill with Staff Sergeant Jack Harmon, leader of the Red Team, and they were…guess what…talking.
"Man, I am so excited for the start of season nine, Jack," Sam declared.
Jack nodded. "Me too."
Sam smiled smugly, resting his trademark sniper rifle on his shoulder unaware that a figure was bearing down toward him and an equally oblivious Jack.
"And we're totally on easy street this year, man," he said, his tone matching his smile, "we just, you know, have to stand around and talk like we usually do." The shadow over their heads grew smaller and smaller. "Let those other chumps handle all the action stuff."
Sam's rant was interrupted as he heard a familiar voice crying out, "Call me!"
"Watch out for that falling rock, by the way," Sam warned Jack.
Jack quickly sidestepped as Brittany S. Pierce, the Blue Team's resident dullard, slammed into the ground.
"Thanks," Jack said.
Sam nodded. "Yeah, no problem."
Brittany stood up, shaking her head to loosen the cobwebs from her fall.
"Yeah, I don't know," she spoke up, "I miss all the action sometimes."
Sam and Jack jumped when they realized that the rock was actually Brittany.
"Uh," Jack said, "did you just fall out of the sky?"
"Yeah…" Brittany replied absentmindedly as if it were normal to come sailing down from the sky.
Sam scratched his head incredulously. "Brittany, what action do you miss?" he asked. "All we ever did was get our asses kicked by Quinn."
Jack had an even more obvious point to add. "You weren't even in the action scenes last year, Brittany!"
Brittany turned to the man she still believed was a secret pirate and said, "Oh I don't mean last season, I mean during the break."
This was a new one.
"During the off-season?" Sam asked.
"What were you doing?" Jack asked only second later.
"Oh," Brittany began as we pass in to a flashback. "I was outside the base one day," a warthog stopped in front of base where Brittany was standing alone, humming to herself, "when a guy pulled up in a warthog and told me to get in because I was late." Brittany hopped into the warthog as she said, "So I got in."
The warthog stopped at a base where Falcons are flying overhead. Brittany hopped out of the warthog and walked toward the place where the man in the warthog told her to go.
"And then he took me to this cool place where there was some stuff and there was some other stuff."
Brittany walked past a Falcon and tapped the wing. "Touch."
She finally opened the door to the Noble Team's building.
"Hello!" Brittany said, waving at them.
All of Noble Team stopped what they were doing to turn and stare at her.
"And then I met some new people," Brittany narrated, "and they were nice and I wasn't scared of them because they looked mean."
She moved into the room, greeting all of the people that crossed her line of sight. She looked at Emile, who was sharpening his knife when Brittany entered the room. He looked up, helmet on his head.
"You look scary even though you are smiling," Brittany said cheerfully.
Before she completed her greeting, Kat raised her mechanical arm to block her part.
"Hello, nice lady who is also a robot," the blonde's tone remained chipper despite the fact she was kind of scared of her new friends.
Back in Blood Gulch, Sam and Jack tried to process what Brittany was talking about.
"Wait, wait a sec, wait a sec," Sam asked, "are you saying," then it dawned on him, "did you go into the campaign?"
Brittany shrugged. "Yeah, I don't know what that means, so I'm just going to nod and say yes." She nodded her head and said, "Yes."
"Who told you that you could do that?" Jack asked, finally pulled from his dumbstruck state.
Brittany turned to the boy she also thought was a pirate.
"Oh, the man in the car," she explained. "He just kept asking me, "Are you Six? You are Six, right?" And I am way older than six, so I said yes. Every time."
Sam opened his mouth and closed it again, trying to remain calm toward his oblivious teammate. "That's not…" he stammered, "he didn't…" before he finally screamed, "he meant Noble Six, dumbass!"
That made sense to Brittany…well, not really.
"Yeah, he did seem pretty confused, or maybe he was just confusing, I forget which one." She shrugged again. "Anyway, me and my new friends went on awesome adventures together."
Brittany followed after the Noble Team, Carter lagging behind to explain the situation to the newest addition to the team.
"I'm not going to lie to you Lieutenant; you're stepping in shoes the rest of the squad would rather leave unfilled."
Brittany nodded. "Is it because they stepped in gum? I do that all the time."
"Yeah, we saw stuff on fire…"
A starship exploded as Brittany continued to narrate her adventures.
Brittany looked out of the ship to see the Sword Base in ruins.
"And some destroyed stuff…"
Brittany darted over to a massive Moa, that stared back at the strange young woman in blue armor.
"And some stuff that was birds."
A Scarab ship exploded, falling and colliding with the ground as Brittany and Emile watched.
"But mostly stuff on fire that was destroyed," Brittany pointed out.
"What?" Sam screeched, interrupting Brittany's story.
Undeterred by Sam's intervention, Brittany's flashback continued. Emile turned to his ally after dodging the falling Scarab.
"Crevice to the East," he declared, pointing off into the distance.
"Crust is made with yeast." Rhyming was fun.
Emile raised an eyebrow at Brittany, quickly shaking it off.
"Let's go," he ordered, dashing off toward the east.
"Okay," Brittany replied, following after him.
Brittany hopped into a Sabre's cockpit, Jorge following after her. Brittany positioned herself in the pilot's chair.
"And then we rode on a rollercoaster that was super fun, and went really, really high."
"Because that was a spaceship!" Sam bellowed in the present.
Brittany bounced around in the chair, making a cavalcade of ridiculous noises,"Waaa…" she declared, "Bleep!" Beat. "Sound effects."
The Sabre lifted-off, Brittany shaking at the helm. Although, whether or not she enjoyed it was a mystery as she shook with the rocking ship and exclaimed.
"Ahhhhhh shaking tiiiiiimmme!"
The ship reached the darkness of space, Brittany sitting at the helm, in complete control of the ship. Well, actually, Jorge had set it to autopilot, but Brittany didn't know that.
"Man, I can't wait to touch all these buttons," she said, mostly to herself.
"Don't touch any buttons," Jorge commanded.
Brittany looked into one of the mirrors in the cockpit, starring at her teammate intently. Jorge returned the stare, commencing an epic stalemate that only ended when Brittany pressed a random button.
And Jorge was summarily ejected into space.
"Brittany!" he bellowed.
Brittany waved absentmindedly to the flying solider.
"Goodbye, giant friend!" she called out. "Come back soon!"
Brittany and Jun were standing in Dr. Halsey's laboratory, the old woman handing Brittany a container that held Cortana, an AI unit that would play a pivitol part in the Human-Covenant War.
"And then we met a lady who was old and mean, but she gave me a present so I liked her."
"Do you have it?" Halsey asked, her hand still on the unit.
"No, you won't let go," Brittany argued, taking the other side of the unit.
Halsey growled in frustration. "Say the words, please."
"The words, please," Brittany said, getting stares from both Halsey and Jun.
"What?" the other solider pondered aloud.
"And then I met a bunch of guys that was totally impressed."
Brittany sailed over a sand dune, landing on her fit with the grace of a ballerina. A group of ODST Marines were waiting for her when she hit the ground. Looking over her shoulder, the spacey blonde nodded.
"Ah, that was super hard," she said, "don't try that."
"You jumped over a sand dune," one of the Marines stated. "It didn't look dangerous."
Brittany raised a clenched fist. "Then how did I lose all my fingers?"
"What?" the Maine questioned.
Brittany raised her fingers. "Ah! Just kidding!"
The Marines could be heard voicing their opinion on the Noble Team member. "Fucking loser."
Brittany was now alone, moving through New Alexandria, her pistol aimed in the air as she snuck around the city as covertly as she could. Now, of course, covert to Brittany is a place where nuns live, so she was busy singing to herself as she moved.
"De, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, ha!"
She cleared a wall, continuing her song as she hit the ground, ready for whatever came her way.
"De, de, de, de, de, de, de, de," she added lyrics to the song, "I just stepped in some gum." She hummed a little more, "And then lots of peanut butter."
On board a ship, Jorge scooped up the fallen Brittany, carrying her to the edge of the ship.
"And when my mission was all done they politely dropped me off back home because they are my new best friends."
"Alright, time for you to leave," Jorge said before launching Brittany out of the ship in the cold recesses of space.
"Goodbye!" Brittany exclaimed. "Thank you for the ride! I will never forget you!"
And she kept talking as she fell further and further from the ship.
"You probably can't hear me though because everyone knows there is no oxygen on a rollercoaster."
She was still falling when she yelled, "I am getting quieter now because I am further away from you…"
Back at Blood Gulch, Brittany wrapped up her story. "And then I landed here back home with my real best friends."
Sam shook his head, almost incredulous to what he had just heard.
"Britt," he said, "that was some crazy story."
"I know," Brittany confessed. "You have no idea."
"No," Jack interjected. "You have no idea."
"Right," Brittany said. "Nobody has any idea."
"No, Theorist," Jack argued. "You, specifically, have no idea."
A/N: At last, it is completed. This is one of my favorite RvB special episodes, so I couldn't resist.
I hope up you all enjoyed reading it. And remember, both Brittany and Caboose love touching buttons, so press the blue button on the center of the screen, it's magic.