Elysian Oblivion

By AlicanteVerumSocietas

*~{A/N_I highly recommend reading this fiction while listening to "Missing" by Evanescnece, the lyrics are derived from the song. A tragic sort of beauty, is how I regard this fanfiction, you might tear up at the end, particularly if you are reading along with the song. Rated T for a poetic suicide and strong emotional themes.

I never anticipated I'd make it this close to the brink of oblivion. When I first realised it, the most earth-shattering epiphany ever had, I thought, perhaps, I could just keep it under wraps and suffer through the most gloriously agonising personal hell without betraying my true self. But seeing you, my heart wants to swell fit to burst, my hands tremble, however minutely, with elation at the ridiculous smile on your face, my heart skips several beats when you whisper, so carelessly intimate, sweet nothings in my ear.

And my eyes.

I can't take my eyes off of you.

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll look up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?"

Enraptured. That's what I am every time I gaze upon you, your molten gold locks, electric blue eyes, and French glass-of-milk complexion. Skin that makes me want dance my fingers across your forehead, your cheekbones, collarbone and your desert rose-hued lips, and when you stand so close to me, I nearly forget myself. But I think of you and how the way you look at me would change, no longer a carefree grin of devil-may-care but a disgusted and horrified sneer, and damn, if I am not sobered.

Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?

Sobered because you intoxicate me. Every last prolonged glance, every lingering little touch, every time my name falls from your lips in that resonating tenor voice further inebriates me until my tether cannot stand anymore, it snaps and I'm floating, falling through your shimmering spaces with no hope of ever descending again, come Hell or high water. I'm in thrall to you.

I can no longer keep up this pretence of mere friendship when it's all I can do not to take you in my arms and love you until the very meaning of the word is defined by us. If I continue on this way with no release for this repressed passion, I fear it will not stop expanding until it consumes me. I would follow you to the Earth's end or to the very gates of Hell, and this love threatens to take me there and everywhere in betwixt.

And if I bleed, I'll bleed,
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there,
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something...

And so as the silver blade hovers above my pale exposed wrist, as the gentle breeze of early April spring plays beyond the window behind me and I draw a last, shuddering breath, my heart is serene. I have made my peace. I know you will never love me to the extent that I do you, and while my mind has finally accepted this, my soul still yearns and never will learn. How paradoxical, the Demon King who has order even over his own emotions.

I regret nothing. I bear no burden. I harbor no fears, save that you may never know just how much I love you. More so than I could have ever afforded to let you know.

Skin breaks and blood blossoms beneath the knife's honed edge like a shattered dream, consciousness slips slowly like the lover you drove away, and two solitary tears snake their way down my face intertwining into a duet, I grasp, vice-like, on the edge of this Elysian oblivion, to my final coherent thought of the one boy who had always meant far too much too me.

Je t'aime, Tamaki Suoh. Je t'aime tellement. Plus que vous ne le saura jamais.

I love you, Tamaki Suoh. I love you so much. More than you will ever know.

Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?