AN: First HiMYM story! Written for a fic exchange on LJ. Thank God for deadlines or I'd never have gotten it done. The prompt was "Barney and Robin try and sneak off for a quickie at their wedding.
Barney sidles up to Robin (his wife. His wife. Forever and ever as long as they both shall live.), where she's chatting with an older woman who he thinks might be her Aunt Mildred.
Without even looking, Robin reaches behind her and laces their fingers together. He tries to ignore the way his heart skips when her brand new wedding ring rubs against his skin, and then decides bro's are allowed to find wedding rings sexy if the woman wearing it is as awesome as Robin (His wife, his fucking awesome wife, for as long as they both shall live.)
Aunt Mildred is rambling on about how nice the ceremony was, and how glad they all were to hear that Robin was finally settling down, and with such a nice looking man, and when would they be starting family? Robin has her 'reporter smile' firmly in place as she nods and smiles and explains that work keeps them both pretty busy. Across the room the baby in Marshall's arms bursts into tears, and the sound distracts Aunt Mildred long enough for Robin to cut her eyes to Barney in a clear plea for help.
"I'm so sorry Mildred, but can I steal the little Missus for minute?" The little Missus' fingernails dig into his palm and Barney crosses it off the list of acceptable nicknames.
"Why of course you can! But, um, my name is Margaret dear. Auntie Margaret."
He's already pulling Robin away. "Sure thing, Mildred."
Halfway across the room Robin stops short. "How much do you love me?"
Barney feels his face stretch into a wide and sappy grin. "You're okay. Why?"
Robin gestures behind him. "The chocolate fountain is mocking me. I told Ted I wouldn't be able to eat anything from it, not in a white dress but he was all, 'Robin it will be so romantic! It will be the hit of the reception.'
"You picked the girliest best man this side of San Francisco."
Barney chuckles. "At least he finally gave up on the twinkle lights. So what do you want me to do? Death to the chocolate?"
"Uh. No. I want you to help me eat some of it."
He grins. "God Robin, I already fed you cake. If I had known you were going to go all helpless on me the second we tied the knot-"
Robin shoves him lightly. "Come on! It's my party, I should be able to have chocolate if I want to!"
Barney rolls his eyes, but caves. Turning around he grabs a strawberry from the plate and holds it under the steady flow.
Robin glances around. "Is Lilly watching? She'll kill me if I do anything to risk damaging this dress."
Barney holds the strawberry to her lips. "You're good. She's talking to James."
Robin snatches the fruit with her teeth and chews and swallows quickly. "Oh hey, there's some on your finger."
And before he knows what's happening, Robin's tongue is wrapping around his finger, and he is suddenly reminded that they've spent the last three nights apart.
Robin slides her lips from his skin and catches his eye.
"Hey," Barney starts, "you know what I've never done?"
Robin grins. "Married sex?"
"Yes! Exactly! See, this is why I married you."
His wife (his awesome, amazing, telepathic wife), pulls him in for a quick kiss, and then whispers into his ear. "Tell one of the guys to cover for us, and meet me in the hall closet."
Barney spots Ted talking agitatedly to one of Robin's co-workers. He approaches them just in time to hear,
"-Stealing special memories from the happy couple!" before grabbing Ted's arm and pulling him backwards a few steps.
"Hey! I was in the middle of something! That guy was taking one of the disposable cameras home with him! He must be stopped!"
"Uh-huh, sure thing. First though. If anyone's looking for me or Robin, I need you to tell them that the photographer wanted some more pictures and we'll be back soon."
Ted just stares in that long-suffering way of his. "And what will you actually be doing?"
"Consummating our marriage in a janitors closet?"
"Why do I surround myself with people who can't keep it in their pants until the wedding night?"
"Uh, because your taste in friends doesn't suck? But my wife might so…"
He sighs "Go."
"You're a good man Ted!" Barney claps Ted on the shoulder, and tries his hardest not to run out of ballroom.
He barely gets the door to the closet open before Robin is wrapping her hand around his tie and pulling him close.
"All those times I said marriage kills your sex life? I was wrong."
Robin grins against his mouth, and promptly gets to work on his fly.
She's got one hand down his pants and her lips are doing things to his neck that are probably illegal in at least forty states. But Ted is only going to be able to cover for them for so long, and damn it, this is important.
"How do you get this dress off?"
Her voice sends vibration through his skin, and he almost misses her answer.
"Just pull the skirt up. It goes to my waist."
"Are you sure? I don't want to rip it or anything."
Robin pulls away. "Dude. Who's wedding are we at right now? Of course I'm sure it'll go up to my waist. Quickie enabled was one of the dress shopping criteria. Lilly disapproved, but she and Marshall had sex in the bathroom at their wedding, so really who is she to jud-"
The rest of her sentence got lost when Barney spun her around against the closest door, and started trailing kisses down her collarbone.
"Best. Wife. Ever."
And then her dress was up, and his pants were down, and they were fucking against the door of a closet, and holy shit he was married.
The woman with her fingers in his hair wasn't just Robin, she was his wife. He'd made a vow to her, the kind you don't break, the kind that would go on for the rest of his life. He was going to be tied to Robin for the rest of his life, and they had the matching rings to prove it.
"Wait, wait, wait."
She stopped moving.
"What's up? We're kind of on a time table here."
"I know. I just- I love you. Okay? I really, really love you."
She smiled, brighter than the sun (whatever, he could be cliché at his own wedding.). "I know. I love you too."
"Good." He murmured. "I'm glad you know. And, um, you know I'm really glad we're married right?"
He stared at a spot behind her on the wall and sped through the rest of his declaration. "And I'm happy that I'm going to wake up with you every day, and go to bed with you every night, and do all that stupid couple stuff people inevitably get involved with when they're married. Like joint checking, and Christmas cards, and visiting the in-laws, and date night, and PTAs. And I can't imagine doing those things with anyone else, ever. You know that right?"
Robin tugged gently on the ends of his hair until he looked at her. "I know."
She leaned and kissed him. "All that stuff you just said? Me too. You know that, right?"
"Yeah. Yeah, I know."
"Glad to hear it. Now. What does a bride have to do get her groom to finish a job around here?"
So Barney Stinson saw to it that he and Robin (his wife. His awesome, amazing, beautiful, perfect wife. For the rest of forever) gave that closet the best show it had ever seen.
(When they walked back into the ballroom her hair wasn't quite the same style as when they left, and his tie was slightly askew, and the guests totally knew what was up, but whatever.
They just wished their weddings had been this legendary.)