A/N: The idea for this came from the Word of God trope on TV tropes, which at some point said that Joss Whedon had stated that there was supposed to be tension between Jayne and Simon on the show. As far as I can tell this is usually interpreted as sexual tension, which I think is funny because A) Jayne seems like the kind of character who would be incapable of something as subtle as sexual tension, and B) Simon. Then again, I'm the type of person who never notices innuendos or anything like that, so maybe I'm just missing it. Also, this fic might be considered crack.
On another note, in real life sexual harassment is not funny. However, this is a work of fiction about the lives of fictional characters, and is fully intended to be humorous. Honestly, I'm still a bit reticent to publish this, but hopefully no one gets seriously offended.
Summary: "Surely you have heard of His Authorship Joss?" "I don't understand. I don't know who this Joss is, or why he would be writing about me and Jayne...What kind of preacher are you again?"
Word of God
It was dinnertime, and Simon Tam was confused. About many things, including whatever the hell they were eating (why couldn't their food ever look like food?), but mostly about Jayne. Specifically, why Jayne had voluntarily sat down next to him, and even more disturbingly, why Jayne had subsequently placed his hand on Simon's knee. Jayne had never really displayed anything but contempt for Simon, and their everyday interactions usually consisted of each man trying to metaphorically grind the other's face into the ground via literal insults and digs at each other's mothers. The latter method worked particularly well in Simon's favor, given that Jayne adored his mother, while the former method usually worked better for Jayne, who knew far more creative insults than Simon ever would. Now, Simon spooned some unidentifiable food into his mouth and wondered if this was some new tactic in their ongoing warfare. Jayne was probably simply trying to make Simon uncomfortable, because Jayne was an jerk like that.
Simon sent a sidelong glare at Jayne and surreptitiously pushed the mercenary's hand off of his knee. Jayne, never easily deterred, immediately replaced his hand in its previous position and gave Simon an I-dare-you-to-do-that-again look. Simon scowled and pushed the offending hand away again. Jayne pouted childishly and Simon continued sending death-glares at the mercenary. Across the table, someone giggled. Simon looked away from Jayne and was immediately met with seven pairs of eyes staring at him and Jayne. River was covering her mouth and the shaking of her shoulders gave her away as the one who had giggled. Everyone else just looked amused (with the notable exception of Kaylee, who looked mildly put-out).
"You okay, Doc?" asked Mal, smirking. Simon felt his ears go red and he gritted his teeth.
"Of course," he said, as lightly as he could. He took another bite of his food and pretended that he didn't mind being the center of attention. He thought he was doing a damn good job, considering the circumstances. Luckily, Jayne kept his hands to himself for the rest of the evening, though that was probably helped by Simon fleeing to his room and locking the door as soon as dinner ended.
The crew nodded as Mal finished outlining his plan for the next drop-off. It was a pretty simple plan, as far as Mal's plans went, but it was highly unlikely that everything was going to work out the way it was supposed to. Simon was mentally calculating the chances of getting kidnapped by circus midgets while carrying out said plan, and he had just concluded that the probability was worryingly high when he noticed Jayne staring at him from across the table. While this was not necessarily a new phenomenon -Jayne had been staring at Simon an awful lot lately- there was something especially unsettling about the expression on Jayne's face. It looked like it didn't belong on Jayne's face, as if he had stolen it from Kaylee and glued it on haphazardly when he thought no one was looking. It took Simon a moment, but eventually he realized that the expression was an attempt to look coy.
Simon cocked his head and studied his nemesis, and the coy look disappeared and was replaced by a leer that looked much more at home on Jayne's rough features. Simon furrowed his brow, puzzled. He was fairly used to being leered at, but not by Jayne.
Someone clapped him on the shoulder. "Enough flirting! Let's go!" Wash grinned down at Simon, who sputtered.
"I- I wasn't- we weren't-!"
The rest of the crew had already left and Wash was heading out the door. Simon dashed after him, indignant. "That- that wasn't- I was not flirting with Jayne! I was being confused at him!"
Wash blinked. "Oh. Well, you had that questioning look on your face and that's how you always look around Kaylee, so I figured..." He trailed off, then glanced around the corridor, looking everywhere but at Simon's face. "So...yeah. Oh! I have to go help Zoe...do that thing that needs doing. Um. I'm just gonna..." He edged towards to door, still avoiding looking at Simon, then ran after his wife.
Heavy footsteps announced that Jayne had entered the corridor. He grinned at Simon, and it looked like an honest I'm-happy-to-see-you grin, which was actually pretty scary-looking since it resulted in Jayne basically baring all of his teeth. Simon took a step back.
"Um, I have to go...help Wash and Zoe with the thing. Uh...Wash, wait for me!" And he ran after Wash, leaving the mercenary behind.
A husky voice cut through the silence, and Simon jumped, almost dropping his book in the process. He looked up and saw Jayne looming over him. Where the heck had he come from? Simon had simply been sitting on the couch, reading and minding his own business, and now he was suddenly being smothered in gun-toting mercenary.
"Hello, Jayne." Simon winced at how small and squeaky his voice suddenly sounded, and he edged away from Jayne and made to stand. Jayne, however, had followed his movement, and in an instant Simon found himself chest-to-chest with Jayne. "Uh, could you just...?" Simon reached out and grasped Jayne's forearms, intending to move Jayne back and to the side so Simon could pass, but Jayne seemed to take the gesture as some sort of invitation. His large hands pressed against Simon's shoulders, pushing him back against the wall, and Simon was just starting to panic when Book walked in.
"Oh, hello." The Shepherd smiled beatifically at Jayne and Simon, as if he normally found them in such compromising positions.
"Hey, preacher," Jayne greeted the Shepherd, completely nonplussed and not even bothering to move his body away from Simon's.
"Um, Shepherd? Could I get some help?" Simon wriggled a bit, trying to draw attention to himself just in case the Shepherd had failed to notice him.
Book looked slightly puzzled. "What do you need help with, Simon?"
Simon stared. Seriously? Wasn't it obvious? "With getting away from Jayne?" He suggested, absently brushing off Jayne's hand as it wandered over his chest. Jayne seemed to regard Simon's being distracted by Book as an opportunity to feel the doctor up.
Book's expression of confusion did not diminish. "Why would you want that?"
Frustrated, Simon banged the back of his head against the wall. What was wrong with these people? "Look, when have I ever shown...physical interest in Jayne?"
"All the time," answered the Shepherd, while Jayne said "Always". Simon considered facepalming, but gave up on that when he realized he couldn't extricate his arms, since he was still encased in horny mercenary.
"Besides, it is the will of God," added Book. Simon stared, wondering when the preacher had gone insane.
"God?" He asked, dryly. "Shepherd, that doesn't make sense."
Book simply nodded wisely. "As the god Joss has written in the Good Book, 'And, lo, there shall be tension between the mercenary Jayne and doctor Simon.' Surely you have heard of His Authorship Joss?"
"I don't understand. I don't know who this Joss is, or why he would be writing about me and Jayne." A pause. "What kind of preacher are you again?"
Book and Jayne exchanged pitying glances, as if saddened by Simon's obviously severe lack of knowledge. Simon sighed. "Alright. So, assuming this Joss person really wrote that, it just says tension, not specifically sexual tension. And this isn't even sexual tension, it's sexual assault!"
"Ain't it?" asked Jayne in a husky, suggestive tone, although it seemed to suggest slow death by violence rather than "let's have sex."
Simon frowned, trying to work out the correct response to Jayne's query. Finally he settled on "You're an idiot", then promptly went back to questioning Book.
"I'm still confused. What happened to 'You shall not commit adultery' and 'treat your neighbor as you would like to be treated'?"
Book smiled indulgently. "I'll explain later. You seem to busy at the moment." And he turned and floated out of the room, leaving Simon alone with Jayne.
"Shepherd!" Simon called, flailing as Jayne's muscular arms wrapped around his middle. His neck itched as Jayne nuzzled his scruffy chin into the junction between Simon's neck and collarbone.
"Shepherd! I don't understand! What happened to the special hell?"