Disclaimer: If you think I own anything related to Harry Potter, I have a nice bridge to sell to you. Sadly all rights to HP belong to J.K. Rowling and not to me. All I own is a 13 year old car and an old PC, so suing me won't bring you a lot moneywise.
Title: You have won!
Note: Just a little one shot I had to get out of my mind and which already had slept quite a while on my usb-stick.
Tom Riddle aka Voldemort sat on his throne in the main room of Malfoy Manor and was listening to the reports of his slaves. At the moment he was quite displeased and held Wormtail under a Crucio and was enjoying it as always. Suddenly his fun was interrupted as a brown post owl knocked against one of the windows.
He stopped the Crucio on the rat and with a wave of his wand the window opened and the owl flew in. It flew a small circle and then landed in front of the Dark Lord. It held out a leg with a letter attached to it.
Confused, about who would or could send him a letter via owl, the Dark Lord quickly checked it for spells and other nasty things before taking it. The owl quickly took to the air again and left through the still open window.
Voldemort looked at the letter and at reading the name on it, 'Tom Marvello Riddle jr.,' he growled in anger, raised his wand and randomly yelled 'Avada Kedavra'. One of his minions fell dead to the ground.
Enraged, the Dark Lord ripped open the envelope and took out the folded paper. "Muggle Paper?" he yelled in outrage and with another AK one of his remaining minions fell to the ground.
After he had calmed down a bit he started to read the letter.
I know you really don't like that name, but really… Voldemort just sounds silly. You really should think about getting a new name. But enough of that, you're surely asking yourself why I of all people am sending you a letter. In the end it is quite simple. I've written to you to tell you that you have won. By the time you read this letter I've already left England with my friends and all that I own. The rest of the English Wizarding World is yours to take or to fail trying to take, whichever way things go. I don't really care. Just remember the prophecy. You know, one interpretation of it could be that as long as we don't kill each other, we can't be killed. Which makes us Immortal. So don't come looking for me and we'll both have a lot of time to do whatever we want.
I'm also sending a copy of this letter to the Quibbler and every other paper, except to those idiots at the Daily Prophet, so I'll explain a bit the reason why I'm leaving England to you.
I made my decision to leave after I asked myself a simple question: why should I care about Wizarding England?
Sadly the answer to that was that there is no reason at all to care about it. Instead, I came up with a lot of answers as to why I should let it rot in its own misery.
Those things would be:
My parents were murdered by a so called Dark Lord (you now…you).
Then I was placed, by the holier than thou light wizard Albus Dumbledore, with my mother's muggle sister and her family. He did that knowing it was against the wishes of my parents and that my aunt hated magic, but as the supreme over idiot of the Wizengamot (also known as the House of Fools), he had sealed my parent's will, leaving none the wiser.
My godfather Sirius Black, who should have taken care of me, was thrown into Azkaban for betraying my parents, killing several Muggles and Wormtail (aka Peter Pettigrew). Conveniently, this happened without a trial or the use of Veritaserum, which would have proven his innocence. But that wouldn't have worked with Dumbledorks plans for me.
I was left to grow up by the Wizarding world in an abusing and hating environment and was treated even worse than your bootlicker Malfoy treats his houseelves.
Finally, as I turned eleven, I learned that I was a wizard and that my parents were killed by you. Until then I had always been told that my parents were useless drunks who died in a car crash.
In my first year we met for the first time (that I can really remember anyway) while you possessed the DADA teacher Quirrell and we had our disagreement about who should have the Philosopher's Stone, which had been hidden in Hogwarts by Albus 'goatfucking' Dumbledorky.
I could continue this list for quite a long while, but then I would miss my plane so let's say I found no reasons to help a Wizarding folk, who let me be tortured by my relatives, by the Potions 'Professor' Snape, by the toad Umbridge (while using an illegal Blood Quill no less), let me be called a liar and insane and much more by the Daily Prophet idiots and also by the Minister 'I take bribes from Death Eaters' Fudge.
Now that I have turned seventeen I have claimed my heritage as Lord Potter and have had quite a long talk with the Goblins at Gringotts. I have a few nice laughs for you thanks to that chat. You know, the Potters were quite a rich family, who owned a lot of property and were the heirs to the Gryffindor line. At the time of this letter, Minister Fudge should be getting an eviction notice, seeing as the Ministry has failed to pay their rent for the Ministry building for the last sixteen years (since my parents were killed) and have ignored all reminders they had received from my account manager. Sadly, he couldn't do anything else about it without the say-so of the current Lord Potter.
Also I own 45% of the Daily Prophet. Funny, isn't it? If you'd like to have those, send your lackey Malfoy to the Goblins with a good offer. As a final note, a lot of the stores in Diagon Alley will be closing in the next few days, because the owners (all purebloods) also thought that they didn't have to pay rent anymore after my parents were killed.
So have fun in England while I start to enjoy my life outside of this bigoted environment.
Your ex Archenemy
Lord Harry James Potter
Voldemort stared at the letter in disbelief for a while, then read it again and finally started to laugh like the evil maniac that he is.
He calmed down again after a few minutes of evil laughter and then yelled, "Lucius, my lackey…Go to the Goblins and inquire after what Lord Potter wants for the offered deal and then take it."
He laughed a bit more and couldn't believe his luck. The English Wizarding World had eliminated the only obstacle for him to finally dominate them. Thinking about that he just couldn't stop laughing.