I wrote a drabble a while ago that gave Alex McMullen the idea to write a fic depicting Haruhi and co. wachting Twilight and the fallout that stemmed from it. This is turn inspired Themulchmeister to write one where the SOS Brigade had to deal with the live action Devilman movie, and that in turn gave me the idea to write this one. I suppose the moral of the story is that someone somewhere is going to get something out of what you write.
Or that it's easier to push Haruhi over the edge and end the world than any of us previously thought, one or the other…
Anyways, here's the SOS Brigade dying because of the (in my opinion) most infamous example of Hollywood taking something beloved and turning it into complete crap.
Here's a hint: it involves green aliens, space monkeys, and big laser beams.
I was pretty much just going through the motions now; everything had lost all meaning the minute that girl with the brown hair and the yellow headband waltzed into my life and decided to run it herself.
Wow, when I look back on it that last sentence is incredibly depressing. Why don't I start again?
Hi there, my name is Kyon. Actually, that's not really my name; it's just a nickname my little sister gave me years ago that just seemed to stick. At this point I don't even think anyone remembers what my real name is.
Moving on, I mentioned a girl before, right? Well, her name is Haruhi Suzumiya, (I have yet to think up a suitable nickname for her, thought many come to mind…), and she is the reason why I'm running around a wasteland dodging laser beams that a Tsuruya with a monkey tail is firing at me.
I suppose I should start at the beginning, huh?
It all started the other day while we were all in the Clubroom doing our usual thing; Koizumi and I had just started a game of Strip Monopoly (don't ask me how it works, or how I got talked into it in the first place), Asahina-san was busy in the corner making tea (and looking incredibly cute in her maid outfit, as usual), and Nagato was sitting in her chair by the window, her nose stuck in another book (it had a stylized version of someone giving the played out thumbs up gesture on the cover. I caught the word "Guide", but the rest of the title escaped my notice).
I was just about to finish my move that would cause Koizumi to loose his blazer when who should barge in but the Club President/Ultra Director/God/Time Anomaly/Key to Auto Evolution herself, Haruhi Suzumiya. She was wearing her signature Million Watt Smile on full display, holding a DVD case in one hand.
"You seem to be in chipper spirits today, Miss Suzumiya," Koizumi said, showing his own signature smile, though it looked completely pasted on (as always).
"You bet I am!" she replied, pointing energetically at the esper, "100 points for noticing!"
Seriously, what are these stupid points for?
"What's with the DVD?" I asked.
"Idiot!" She smacked me upside the head, "We're going to have a Club Movie Extravaganza! Duh!"
Oh, I highly doubt one movie constitutes an "extravaganza".
"What movie is it?" the angelic time traveler asked, looking up from her tea.
"I'm glad you asked, Mikuru-chan." Haruhi held the DVD case above her head proudly, "Because this is the movie we've only been waiting for forever!" (Who's this "we" you speak of?) She then handed it to Koizumi, who then passed it on to me.
On the cover was what I assumed to be the main cast, looking decidedly American; I did recognize Chow Yun-Fat though. The young adult man in the forefront looked like he was holding some kind of fireball.
Near the bottom were the word "Dragonball: Evolution" in a stylized Roman script.
"Where did you find this?" I asked, staring at the cover incredulously. I'd most certainly heard of the Dragonball franchise before; Imouto was all but enamored with the Kai remaster.
"Some guy was selling these on the sidewalk," the energetic deity explained, "This one looked interesting so I bought a copy."
"There wasn't a beat up pick up truck parked nearby, was there?"
"Sure there was. Why, was that important?"
I was about to explain to Haruhi that she bought a movie from a sketchy DVD pirate, but thought better of it; she probably would have just explained it away with that weird logic she uses when she doesn't want to be told she's wrong.
Besides, that guy was probably long gone by now, heading back to his basement apartment at his mother's house.
"Don't worry about it," I said dismissively, focusing my attention back on the game board.
"Tch," she scoffed, then waited expectantly for some other reaction from me.
"You need something?" I asked her sarcastically.
"Aren't you excited about this?" she yelled, getting right in my face. "This is the movie manga fans and critics alike have been waiting for for years! Akira Toriyama's Magnum opus, and it's finally in movie form!"
Something tells me Haruhi is a closet Dragonball fan.
"And we're going to watch it right now!"
That's nice, and- wait, what?
"On what?" I wondered, "We don't have a DVD player, and I doubt you'd be happy with all of us crammed around the computer monitor."
"I've already taken car of that," she stated confidently. "Minions!" She clapped her hands twice, and the door opened again to reveal Tsuruya and Imouto pushing a media cart.
"Hiya Kyon!" my little sister said cheerfully, waving one of her hands in my direction.
"Hold on a minute," I said, standing abruptly. This caused Asahina-san to shrink behind her drink tray, "what's my sister doing here? And for that matter how did she get here in the first place?"
"That was me," Tsuruya said, sticking her thumb in her chest. "Haru-nyan called me about an hour ago to ask ifs I wanted to watch this movie, I said yes and offered to picks Imouto up when Haru-nyan asked, nyoro~."
"But why is she here in the first place?" I demanded at Haruhi.
"Because she's just as much a part of this sacred Brigade as anyone here, and deserves to be included in any special events we hold."
"Isn't that the TV from the A/V room?" I asked before we could get into a drawn out argument about my sister.
"Yes it is," Haruhi said proudly, "and it's how we'll be watching the movie, to answer your previous question."
"Would it not be better to view this film at Tsuruya-sempai's mansion?" the expressionless human interface asked, not looking up from her book. "To my understanding it is a more optimal environment for something of this nature."
"While you make an excellent point," Haruhi adopted a scholarly pose, "you're still missing one very important piece of information."
Nagato actually looked up at this.
"I want to watch it now!" she said in Nagato's face, loudly. To her credit the alien didn't even bat an eyelash. "Speaking of which…" She turned back to me, "Kyon, set this up stuff up so we can pop this sucker in!"
I wanted to tell her no, I really did, but she just looked so happy, like a child about to play with their favorite Christmas present, that I couldn't bring myself to do it.
"Whatever," I resigned, taking the cart from Tsuruya and Imouto.
"Come on," she said, "show some spirit! This is going to be the best movie ever!"
"This is the worst movie ever!" Haruhi cried as the credits began to roll.
"Come now," Koizumi cajoled, "it wasn't that bad…"
"Are you kidding me?" the repressed goddess asked incredulously. "I've seen better rip-offs at a Chinese street market! Even I could make a movie better than that!"
I'm sorry to say that I actually agreed with Haruhi on that point. The movie that we made was utter crap, and even it was better than the atrocity we just watched.
Wait, did I just compliment our terrible movie? Oh god, I think I just felt myself die a little inside.
And I just threw up in my mouth…
"I mean," she continued, "they didn't even stay true to what happened in the manga! First and foremost! And the writing was so bad it sounded like some hyperactive teenager wrote it in a day without editing it!"
Preaching to the choir on that one Haruhi.
Not that you'd notice…
"At least the acting wasn't too bad," Asahina-san suggested hesitantly, "right?"
Haruhi glared at poor Mikuru so hard I thought she was going to burst into flames. It's almost too much to think about; Asahina-san's beautiful, flawless, porcelain face melting off her skull like in that movie about that Ark, the thought of her creamy, soft, squishable…
OK, now Haruhi's glaring at me.
"You know what?" she said, throwing her hands in the air, "I'm done! I'm gonna go home and try to forget what I just watched." With that she grabbed her bag and stomped out of the room, slamming the door behind her.
I turned to Koizumi, "There's going to be another Closed Space tonight, isn't there?"
"Oh, most assuredly," he replied, nodding.
"And I need to be the one to fix it, am I right?" I turned to look at Nagato.
"Data from previous events suggests that you are the one to garner the best results."
"I don't suppose someone else can do it this time?" I looked over at Asahina-san.
She tried her hardest not to meet my eyes.
"Well whatever I have to do, it'll have to wait until tomorrow," I said, grabbing my school bag and making towards the door.
I don't think any of them tried to stop me, since I made it out of the school and back to my home without incident. I was greeted by my little sister, who was attempting to put a bow in Shamisen's fur. We ate dinner with our parents, and I went up to my room to do my homework. After working on that for an hour I read some new manga I bought the other day before eventually nodding off to sleep.
And that's about how I found myself in this wasteland, fighting both Tsuruya and Haruhi, both sporting thick, prehensile tails that they wrapped around their waists.
"Go get 'em, Kyonku!" Imouto cheered from behind me.
"Easy for you to say!" I shot back, turning to look at my fan gallery.
The rest of the SOS Brigade was standing by a tall plateau, looking somewhat different than I remembered them. Aside from a general change of clothing (they were all wearing some sort of Gi) their physical appearance was different as well; Asahina-san was shorter (though no less busty), Nagato now had green skin and antenna coming out of her forehead, and Koizumi look more apparently muscular and his hair was a scruffy mane of a ponytail that hung down his back. Imouto changed the least; aside from a purple Gi the only noticeable difference was that her hair was a bit longer and she looked like she'd been working out.
I'd have been proud of her for taking that initiative if circumstances were normal.
"Hey! Don'ts look away from your opponent, nyoro.~"
I turned back to Tsuruya, who had her arms crossed over her chest, pouting.
"I mean it's only decent to give the person who's going to kill you the proper courtesy of facing them like a man!"
Not to sound sexist or anything, but I'd probably take you more seriously if you were a man.
"Just blast him already," Haruhi said, sounding rather bored, "then we could get to destroying the rest of this puny planet."
Well that wasn't good…
"Remember Kyonku," Koizumi called from the peanut gallery, smiling his signature fake smile, "all the battles you've to this point have prepared you for this!"
"If you fail, then the whole Earth fails with you," Nagato pointed out.
Way to boost my confidence Nagato, really appreciate that.
"P-p-p-please win," Asahina-san whimpered, "I kind of like living."
I suddenly could not let Haruhi carry her dastardly plan through.
"Fine," I told Tsuruya, "let's fight like men!" I activated the special technique for buffing my own power that I had somehow learned between the time I fell asleep in my room and five minutes ago when I woke up here.
"Let's dance!" Tsuruya announced, charging up energy in her right hand.
I just hoped Haruhi made me strong enough in this reality…
Fortunately I was able to beat the energetic upperclassman and Haruhi without killing them (just barely mind you), and promptly dropped dead from exhaustion. The next time I woke up I was back in my bedroom, sprawled across my in the sweats and t-shirt I was in last night.
Everything was normal at school as well; no super powered, body builder aliens tried to blow me up, no one turned into a miniature King Kong. As for Haruhi, she treated the whole thing as a fever dream, which worked out just fine for the Brigade and the world.
"I must say," Koizumi told me later in the clubroom, "you handled yourself quite well during that battle."
"No thanks to you; all you guys did was stand on the sidelines and watch me get pummeled!"
Needless to say I had a few word for the perpetually smiling psychic.
"We couldn't help you even if we wanted to," Koizumi explained as he captured on of my pawns with his rook, "with very few exception most battles from the Dragonball universe are fought one on one."
"To intervene without meeting specific environmental conditions would have resulted in a data corruption and caused a slow breakdown of reality," Nagato said. She was sitting in her usual chair with a stack of manga volumes next to her. (Three guesses what they were.)
"Plus Suzumiya-san would have just gotten mad at us for interfering, killed us, and blown up the planet anyway," Koizumi added.
"I would have helped you if I could," Asahina-san said, placing a tray of tea down next to the chess board.
"I appreciate the thought," I told the angelic time traveler, taking a sip from my cup of tea. She blushed slightly.
"Guess want I just bought!"
And enter Haruhi.
"Another obscene costume to put Asahina-san in?" I asked, only half serious.
Asahina-san shrunk behind her drink tray.
"Yes…" Haruhi said hesitantly, "but that's not the point!" She held up another DVD case. This one had a picture of two snake-like monsters entwined around a sky scraper.
The title was "Dragon Wars; D-War".
"I got this from some guy selling DVDs on the street outside; let's go get the DVD player back from the A/V room and pop this sucker in! It's going to be the best movie ever!"
I know there's a God, because right now she's just screwing with me.
"Nagato, do you still have Asakura's knife?"
"May I inquire as to why you need it?" she asked, confusion almost apparent in her voice.
"Yes; I need to go kill the idiot selling Haruhi these DVDs."
And there you have it; my contribution to this little collection. If you haven't decided to already, I invite you to write your own take on the SOS Brigade watching a bad movie; I'd love to see what the rest of y'all come up with.
In the mean time, take a gander at my drabble, "The Square Peg". It's what started this whole craze in the first place. (And the ones done by Alex McMullen and Themulchmeister as well.)