"So, Twi', Truth or Dare?"
Rainbow Dash was drunk, but not very much. None of them were. Well, except for Applejack. It was not that she couldn't hold her liquor, or that she couldn't control her drinking. It was that the last "dare" she had accepted was to empty the bottle of finest Mexicolt Cactus Tequila (still with the spines!) that she and Rainbow Dash had been drinking from.
Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash herself had, on her dare, eaten enough red hot devil murder jalapeno peppers to down Pinkie Pie, and Rarity had been forced to paint herself in zebra stripes and put her magnificent mane in a makeshift mohawk. She currently whimpered at the bottle of ink, which had turned out to not be water soluble in the least. Looking back to Rainbow Dash's scrunched and burnt face, Twilight thought two things: this game had gotten out hand, largely because the way Rainbow Dash played it, and there was no way she was going to choose "dare".
"Truth" she said. Rainbow Dash giggled and swigged some cactus beer (Pinkie having chosen a Mexicolt theme for the whole party).
"Okay. Okay. So... how many ponies have you rutted with?" There was a collective groan.
"Dash, dear, why does your 'Truths' always have to be about... sex?" Rarity scowled.
"Aw, come on! The point with Truths is that they should be embarrassing, and sex questions are embarrassing! Besides, you are always curious, don't tell me anything else!"
"Ah kinda... agree with Rarity" Applejack blinked, then continued. "First... Ah don't need to know how often muh friends... clop." She was referring to the last Truth the azure pegasus had asked for. "Second, askin' that partichular question to our Twi' is a waste, issnt it? 'Cause you already know that answer?" Applejack stretched her neck a little, wondering if she could get the tequila to seep down to her hooves. "Hasta be zero."
"Now that is kind of mean, AJ!" said Pinkie Pie.
"Well... AH think it is a good thin'... to not have rutted as a rotten rabbit. No offense, 'Shy." Applejack looked at Fluttershy, who had spent the last hour worried they would drink too much, and only smelled her beer a little.
"You don't have to answer that, Twilight!" said Rarity, who besides sympathy had not even begin to consider getting over Rainbow Dash's whole zebra idea. "Ask a different question!"
"Nono, it's OK" said Twilight absentmindedly, having stared into her beer since the question was asked, knocking her left front hoof against the floor of the library's basement, as if she was...
"Uhm, Twilight, are you counting?" Fluttershy asked.
"Did you mean ponies, literally, or ponies, people?" Twilight asked Rainbow Dash, not having heard Fluttershy's gentle voice.
"What?" said Rainbow Dash.
"Because if we only count actual ponies, it is fifty-four, but if we also count non-ponies, it's sixty-two" Twilight said.
"Those were mostly donkeys. Or mules. One griffon." Twilight specified.
The silence was broken by a giggling fit from Rainbow Dash.
"Okay, you almost had me there, Twi'! Good one! But the point of Truths is that you shouldn't lie!"
"I didn't lie!" Twilight was annoyed.
"Please, you rutted with sixty-two ponies and assorted donkeys? When? Don't tell me you even had a coltfriend. Or fillyfriend, please Twilight and made-up characters doesn't count."
"Back in Canterlot. At school." Twilight was angry.
"My coltfriend who lives in Canterlot? Please Twi', stop kidding me!"
"Uhm, Rainbow Dash, I don't think you should talk like that..." Fluttershy actually raised her voice a little.
"I am not KIDDING! I can prove it!" Twilight was suddenly very angry
"Dashie, call it off, it's a bucking game!" Applejack had stood up, swaying.
"I'll SHOW you!" Twilight stomped off upstairs.
"Love letters? Home movies?" Pinkie Pie wondered, and tipped back her sombrero.
"Rainbow Dash, stop acting like this!" Rarity said.
"Look, it might be a game, but I take games seriously, OK?" said Rainbow Dash. "Does what she said fit with anything we know about Twilight?"
"I'll show you what fits!" Twilight shouted as she came stomping back down, waving a fat bundle of stapled-together papers with her magic. "Here! Here it is, scientifically documented, that I have rutted with as many people as Ponyville's bicycle and her griffon fillyfriend! Me the stupid nerd and egghead with no social skills who cannot drink or party or anything!" And she smacked the papers down just in front of Rainbow Dash, and then stomped off in the direction of the toilet, making clear sounds of trying not to cry.
Everyone looked at Rainbow Dash. "Look, she needn't be that angry, OK?" Fluttershy moved towards the toilet.
"I'll talk to her, okay?" and shot Rainbow Dash a look that wasn't enough to frighten dragons, but clearly showed her annoyance.
"Good heavens!" said Rarity. "A game of Truth and Dare is not a reason to make your friends cry, Rainbow Dash!" Applejack nodded and was about to say something angry and unicorn-supportive when she felt a bolt of nausea. Damn tequila!
While Rainbow Dash stammered out an angry excuse, Pinkie Pie, while looking sad at the events, ignored her and picked up the papers and started leafing through them.
"'On the sexuality and carnal desires of Twilight Sparkle'" she read aloud. The other three turned their gazes to her. "'A qualitative and quantitative report on the reactions of a unicorn female in the post-pubertal stage to sexual stimuli.' It is a scientific paper." She leafed some more. "Masturbation patterns... arousal and satisfaction: scales used... reaction to pornographic media..." A slimmer bunch of stapled papers found out. "Appendix A... this is a list of sex partners. Appendix B... oh, I recognize some of these!" Pinkie suddenly smiled.
"What?" said Rarity, who had first then regained her speech.
"Pornos! Wow, that's a lot of titles...!"
"L-list of sex partners?" asked Applejack.
"Yeah!" Pinkie counted with half-open mouth. "Sixty-two, she remembered! Our Twi' has always been good with numbers!"
Jaws were still open all around when Fluttershy returned with a morose Twilight Sparkle. Fluttershy grinned nervously.
"I am sure Rainbow Dash would like to apologize" she said. Rainbow Dash sweated, grinned awkwardly and stammered an apology. Twilight, apparently ashamed herself, mumbled down into the floor and sipped her beer. Awkward silence reigned, except for the sound of Pinkie skimming through Twilight's paper and taking sips of her beer. Finally Rarity cleared her throat.
"Twilight, darling, could you please tell me – I mean, it's an academic subject – how you came about to write this? And how?" Twilight looked up. "I mean, I am sure it has never been done before!" Rarity smiled at her and tried to look understanding.
Twilight smiled wanly. "Well... it began when I started to have these... feelings. I didn't even know what they were... and my parents had no real answers. I didn't dare ask the Princess... so it carried on until I was at the university level. I never knew... what it meant. Then I mentioned it, in passing, to a teacher..."
"A teacher?" said Applejack. "Are yer really supposed ter learn about the birds and the bees at the Uni', Twilight?"
"No not really... I had such trouble sleeping... so I explained that's why a paper was late... and she was incredulous... and she sat down and talked to me..."
Rarity frowned. "Dearest Twilight, I find this hard to believe. I mean, I know you, being an omnivore of books, read novels from an early age. I assume that must have included romance!"
"Oh, it did, but no sex! Not in any detail, at least, unless it used metaphor heavily! Anyway, so I grew curious... and I decided to do some serious research" She took a swig of beer again.
"Now, at this stage everyone in my class was supposed to compose a paper – not to actually research anything for real, but to learn academic standards. And I had already planned to do a paper to train making a paper before I made the paper to train making papers, if you know what I mean?"
They did. They had known Twilight Sparkle for a while.
"And so I decided I would choose this new subject, which I was so interested in, to make the job easier!" Twilight smiled.
"How... do you decide to rut with sixty-two people?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Well, there was a lot of background literature, but I don't consider a report on real-world phenomena complete if the research doesn't contain empirical data!" Rainbow Dash blinked.
"She means books might be good, but there is a point where you really have to see things for yourself, see?" Pinkie Pie added helpfully and Twilight nodded.
"How do yer get sixty-two ponies... people to rut with?" asked Applejack. "I'm not the one for active datin', but as I figure it is generally considered difficult to get just one?"
"Oh, my research could obviously not involve a relationship. Remember, this was the point in my life where I thought, well, even friends were just in the way of important things?" Twilight grinned embarrassedly. "Obviously, again obviously, all indications told me a romantic relationship would be even worse, hindering my work in science and magic."
"So I just plastered these posters all over the campus: UNATTACHED UNICORN MARE SEEKS TEMPORARY CARNAL RELATIONS, NO STRINGS ATTACHED. CLEANLINESS, SAFETY AND DISCRETION GUARANTEED. GENDER AND SPECIES IRRELEVANT. CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH REQUIRED. ADULTS ONLY." She shared the silence of the library basement for a while. Applejack hiccoughed.
"It turned out to not give much results, before I changed 'carnal relations' to 'ruttings' and added 'I swear this is not a police trap and won't cost you money' to it. Then I got a nice crop of test subjects."
"It says here you had sex with both colts and fillies!" said Pinkie Pie curiously.
"Well, of course I didn't know my own preferences! I will tell you, I am confused to this day, and it is not until I moved here and got my social life a little more in order I realized it!" Twilight was by now fairly agitated. She took the paper from Pinkie Pie.
"As you see here, the final results indicate that I am a lesbian! I based this on my performance ratings, which were invariably higher with mares!" She showed everyone a confusing graph.
"But that was wrong?" Rarity asked. "You are not a lesbian?" She almost sounded a little disappointed.
"Oh, I definitely have tendencies, but the theoretical literature I read before the empirical study, as well as the method literature..."
"Wait, what method?" said Rainbow Dash.
"Methods for doing the research" said Fluttershy. "I think." Twilight nodded.
"Yep, which in my case included sexual techniques – there are a lot of good books on things like fellatio and cunnilingus..." Empty stares.
"Giving head" Rarity explained and looked down, blushing. "To both, both sexes."
"…in any case, they all indicated that it is a scale, not a binary thing. I mean, it's not simply either-or. What I mistook for a clear high homosexual tendency was probably just a mere bisexual tendency. See, I made classical research mistake, can you guess which, huh, can you, can you?" Twilight grinned maniacally at this.
Everyone hummed and looked confused except Pinkie Pie, who rose and jumped up with her usual joy. "Oooh, I know! You had the wrong data! The kinds of colts who would answer that ad are colts who could never get a partner, and they have never had the possibility to practice their bed skills! They were more likely to be bad lays! You didn't dislike them because they had penises, but because they couldn't use them!" Twilight stomped her hooves.
"Bravo! That's right! I should have realized the possibility!"
"Wait, why would lesbian mares who answer frankly weird sex ads be more experienced in sex?" said Rainbow Dash.
"I don't know, but that is an interesting result of my research that wasn't planned! The best scientific research is like that: it produces useful data you didn't expect! Since I have found myself attracted to stallions since then to a large extent, that must be the only scientific explanation!"
"So" said Applejack "yer are sayin' randomly dating ponies yer didn't know just to rut wasn't pleasant?"
"Yes. See my graphs here – I measured my pleasure on a scale from 1 to 5, and added a special level if I reached climax, since all my sources indicated it was important. And as you can see, there are few samples that reached above 2."
Applejack sighed. "And yer needed to make this huge investigation to understan' that?"
Twilight snickered. "Yeah. Wasn't I such a fool?"
Rainbow Dash said: "You are not the only one, Twi'. There are ponies... who aren't eggheads at all... who think that if you just rut randomly, you get the good stuff."
Everyone looked at her, Twilight sympathetically, as she got up and got herself a new beer from the fridge.
"But Twilight..." Fluttershy asked. "This was really dangerous! I mean, you could have got sick, or with foal, or hurt by some maniac..." Twilight nodded.
"I knew that. The theoretical literature concerned such dangers, since much of it discussed the morality of sexual behavior and possible dangers. But I made sure I took all precautions!"
"You had a checklist!" said Rarity, and this time she grinned wickedly. Twilight nodded. "That all had to follow. Present bill of health, show that they had brought condoms, show their ID..."
"Why?" asked Rainbow Dash when she returned from the fridge.
"Well, I used their age in my data, and obviously I wanted to see that they weren't too young."
"Good thinking! I can see some of the colts in this town turning up with a false mustache and daddy's saddle if they read such an ad." Rainbow Dash said. That got a chuckle from everyone.
"You had a checklist for your one-night stands!" she continued. "I can imagine their horror when they think they were gonna get laid, and she brings out: The Checklist!" She sauntered up to her usual partner in crime and said in as deep a bass voice she could manage: "Hello there, baby! I'm Coolpony and I'm here... to rut!" Pinkie Pie made a party had she had stashed somewhere into a horn and did a fairly good imitation of Twilight's voice.
"Now hold it right there Mr. Coolpony! This will be done SCIENTIFICALLY! State your weight, height, shoe number and star sign! Put on this hard-hat, life-vest and false nose! When was the last time you had a colonoscopy? Have you washed your dick lately? How long is it?" She had in her usual way produced the items mentioned and finished by brandishing a caliper.
"My little stallion! Why would you want to know that?" Rainbow Dash held her hooves in front of were a certain organ would have been if she had it.
"This is for SCIENCE! Its length, girth and output will be published all over the world!" Rainbow Dash screamed in fake horror. The skit got a good laugh from everyone – Rainbow Dash caught herself and looked at Twilight to see whether she was offended, but the unicorn just stuck out her tongue at her. Pinkie plopped down again.
"So, Twilight, after bonking sixty-two strangers, you still felt the need to watch a hundred-and-thirty-two pornos!" Pinkie waved the list. "Why?"
"Well, pornography is also a form of sexual stimulation, see. I needed to measure the results."
"Where do you find so much porn? I mean there sure are stores, which caters to that kind of thing, but they are rather expensive" said Rarity. "Or so I heard!" she quickly added.
"Did yer rob a dirty store?" asked Applejack.
"Oh no! It was because of my connections with the Princess!" said Twilight proudly. Everyone followed the night's tradition of falling silent, exuding a cold horror.
"So... you got to borrow Princess Celestia's own stash?" said Rainbow Dash incredulously. Twilight gasped.
"Oh no! I didn't even mention the details of the project to the Princess! No, but see, there is a law that all media published – books, newspapers, videos, even brochures – must have two copies sent to the Royal Library! Originally that was for reasons of censorship, but nowadays it is to preserve the media involved. Because of my royal connections, I was allowed to borrow videos of an erotic nature that normally isn't allowed to leave a vault." Everyone breathed a sigh of relief, except for Rarity, who for some reason looked a little disappointed.
"And I was lucky!" Twilight giggled. "I mean, imagine if I had been forced to sit and... clop in front of a VHS in the library vault in Canterlot! I am sure the results would have been off by a wide margin!"
"Definitely" said Applejack deadpan. "If yer had been surrounded with so many old, stuffy, books, yer would have been unnaturally horny. Yer would have been one of them nympha-maniacs."
Twilight snorted and stuck out her tongue again, this time at Applejack.
"Speaking of which..." said Rarity, who had been perusing Appendix B with a raised eyebrow. "A lot of these videos cater to... special interests, Twilight. Was that on purpose, or...?"
"Oh! All those... fetish videos. Yeah, sort of. I needed to check my reaction to common sexual fantasies, there's a section on that in the final report and an attempt to analyze the connection between my reactions. And I realized that would have been really hard to do based on partners only, although an early version of the checklist checked things a partner was prepared to do. Of course, I was well-read enough to realize they were mere fantasies!"
The rest of the party pondered that answer. Finally, Rarity, again, dared ask: "Were there any of them which... you actually did like? I mean, that could have been your fantasies?"
Twilight blushed. "Mostly not... it could be stronger, one film than another, but there were no clear tendencies. Actually, most films period were rather boring and not stimulating at all. Except..."
"Except what?" wondered Rarity, also blushing a little.
"Interspecies!" said Pinkie and took back the list.
"Whut?" said Applejack and the others followed.
"I thought there was a lot of them, but I didn't know what the list meant until Twilight told me! But I mean, listen to this: Zebras without pajamas. That's how you make a hinny. Twelve reindeer in a sauna. Dragon your **** - I don't think that stands for 'feet'. Buffalo Maiden no more. And... it goes on!" Twilight could have been used as a stoplight.
"Why so embarrassed, dear?" asked Rarity. "You have just told you about a very risqué chapter in your life, pretty freely and openly – what's so bad with thinking a donkey can be handsome, compared to that?"
"I don't get That's how you make a hinny" said a confused Rainbow Dash.
"Uhm. A hinny is the foal of a stallion and a donkey jenny" said Fluttershy and blushed, she as well.
Rainbow Dash mouthed a silent "Ah".
"Well" said Twilight "that kind of movie is really really stereotypical. It is rather speciest and I was raised to avoid such behavior. I'm not ashamed of thinking other ungulates are sexy, it's just that porn about it is so... tacky."
"Twi', aint no porn that aint tacky! But what about real people? I mean, were yer attracted to them buffaloes we met in Appleloosa? To that donkey jenny with the radio shack? To Zecora?"
"Yeah!" smiled Pinkie Pie. "Did you want Chief Thunderhooves to show you his mighty totem?" Applejack shoot her a nasty glare.
Twilight sighed. "I got this idea into my head because of clichéd pornography! When you meet real people they are real people and not some pornographic fantasy and you cannot treat them like that! Yeah, I sort of find Zecora attractive, but I am not about to tell her about Zebras without pajamas! Especially since the 'zebras' in that movie probably were ponies painted with stripes!" Everyone looked at Rarity. Rarity sighed.
"What's Buffalo maiden no more about?" said Rainbow Dash who had gotten her hooves on the list.
"I think it is set out West; this cowpony travels out on the prairie and meets a buffalo heifer. They have sex. The end. No wait, a cowfilly comes upon them and watches them. She clops. The end."
"Was the buffalo heifer really a buffalo?" asked Rarity. Twilight sighed.
"I am pretty certain she was cow in a wig. And some feathers. And facepaint. You see? It is all ridiculous. It is nothing you can act on!"
"Interspecies stuff in reality has problems beyond stupid pornos" said Rainbow Dash. Everyone turned to her. "And that is all I am saying about that."
"But you have had real sex with non-ponies?" asked Pinkie Pie. Twilight nodded.
"They weren't worse or better than ponies. Except perhaps they felt the same about me…"
"It wouldn't surprise me if there were pornography directed to other beings attracted to unicorns" said Rarity and smiled. "Who would possibly be a donkey or an earth pony with a fake horn. And maybe they didn't dare tell you that, or asked you to do things with your horn that are impossible."
"Now that you mention it, they had gotten into their heads it was some erogenous zone... it was not just them, what is it with ponies licking it…?"
"It isn't?" said Rainbow Dash and Applejack at once. Rarity, Twilight and, for some reason, Pinkie Pie shook their heads.
"Magic is practical when it comes to sex, but the horn it comes from doesn't do anything. Unicorn stallions don't come with two… two dicks or anything." said Twilight.
"Here yer are all ruinin' my world view" said Applejack and laughed. "I suppose pegasuses don't get them wingboners either!" Fluttershy nodded but Rainbow Dash shook her head.
"The places under the wings are like... sensitive. It's nice to be touched there and stuff. So, you are likely to hike them up because of that, but no, they are not extra dicks either."
"Do any of us have any questions about earth ponies?" said Rainbow Dash and looked at the others.
"Not that I know of" said Rarity. Applejack sighed.
"Thank goodness, cause Ah'm no sexual professional like you others!" She tried to sound offended, but her voice made it clear she was not, just bemused.
"But the point is: others have these silly ideas about you, so it is mutual, and nothing to be afraid of" said Rarity. "Though you are probably right in not acting on them. That would be rude. But talking about such things, once you know each other… that can't hurt." Twilight nodded slowly.
"You could get someone to dress up like a donkey!" suggested Pinkie and was met by a common frown.
"I am going to regret I mentioned this, am I not?" said Twilight. The others nodded and smiled.
"If it makes you feel better I had a strong dose of TMI tonight" said Rainbow Dash. "So I sort of regret asking it as well!"
"TMI?" said Twilight.
"Too Much Information" said Rainbow Dash. "Last time I play Truth or Dare, I can tell you!"
"Well, Ah have not only had too much information, but too much tequila" said Applejack and rose. "Ah'm heading home now. Nice party, Twi' although it got outta hand at the end – though in a completely new fashion!"
"Aww, gonna break up already?" said Pinkie Pie. The gathered ponies nodded. Pinkie shrugged. "Too bad. Guess I'll go home as well – I'll be back tomorrow to help you clean up, Twilight!" She picked up the now rather squashed paper. "Mind if I read this?" Twilight groaned.
"In one way, I do, Pinkie. But – I have already been a big blabbermouth about it, so it doesn't matter. I can't see what you can learn from it, though." Pinkie hugged Twilight.
"Oh, you of all ponies should know that sometimes you don't want to learn anything from reading, you just read for fun! Bye, everyone!" There were waving of hooves and mutual hugs. Applejack left for her farm; Rainbow Dash flew Fluttershy home, Fluttershy as usual mentioning how the way home in the dark was not a favorite. Rarity lingered a bit then cleared her throat.
"Twilight, could I... stay here for the night?" Twilight looked surprised.
"Are you that drunk? You don't look it?" Rarity looked embarrassed.
"No, but look at me! Ponies coming home from another party, or the pub, or the movies, they could see me! Like this!" She indicated her unwilling stripesyness. Twilight giggled.
"I think it looks great!" Rarity scowled at her.
"Yeah, from your story, I look like a speciest porn star to you!" Twilight giggled again.
"Oh, you would be a very sexy zebra mare! You just need more, you know..." and she swept her hooves by her own ears.
"Large, clinking jewelry?" Rarity snorted.
"OK, you can stay, and we scrub you clean in the morning. I have an extra bed, you know."
They went up and made the bed – Twilight was trying to be a hostess, Rarity insisting on helping.
"Do you have everything?" asked Twilight.
Rarity nodded, but as said hostess was about to leave, she asked: "Twilight... that thing you said about sexual preferences..."
"Could you still be attracted to a mare? If she was good in bed or whatever your reasoning was?"
Rarity posed herself leaning at the bed and said, with a scarily good impression of Zecora's voice:
"My flanks and legs attract much stares
from many stallions as well as mares
my hooves are soft, my muzzle a dream,
I know how to make a lover scream."
Then she shifted her pose and sent a smoldering gaze at Twilight. Who laughed, and laughed, and laughed.
"OK, I am sorry" mumbled Rarity, embarrassed. Twilight shook her head.
"No no, it was really sweet!" Twilight leaned close to Rarity then shrugged. "What the hay. Let's do it."
"So you want to rumble in the jungle?" said Rarity, rather astonished but clearly happy.
"Zebra live on the savannah!" Twilight chided and poked her as they started to walk to Twilight's bed. Rarity hugged her and whispered:
"In the jungle this zebra takes cover,
with her purple unicorn lover"
Twilight had another laugh attack and made Rarity lie down on her bed, and then she went over to a set of drawers and started rummaging.
"Looking for the Checklist?" wondered Rarity. "Because I wash every day." Twilight shook her head and pulled out a box. That rattled.
"If we are doing this silly thing we are going all out. These are your accessories." Rarity hauled out a set of huge brass earrings and long necklace of carved wood.
"I can't believe I am going to have another of those stupid one night stands!" Twilight said.
"Who says it has to be one night only? I can't believe I finally get to have sex with you because of a silly joke from Pinkie Pie and a silly dare from Rainbow Dash" Rarity mumbled as she decked herself with jewelry. "Where in Equestria did you get these?"
"My dear zebra lover, a lot of ponies have toys for naughty purposes when they are on their lonesome. I just have different toys."
Rarity looked at herself in Twilight's to her very small mirror.
"You play dress-up when you… clop?" She turned to Twilight who had pulled out another box and rummaged through it.
"I said it was for when I was on my lonesome, didn't I?" Twilight brought out a grinning wooden mask and put it on in front of a speechless Rarity. "And I never said I identified with the ponies in those silly videos, did I?"
(I am so, so sorry... - The Author)