Hey, sorry I didn't update for so long. Thanks for waiting, because I really wanted to make a good ending, which I had trouble coming up with. Also, there is college. Not the big university, but community college. And a net-buddy of mine, starlet angel, was undergoing some major spinal surgery, and is still recovering. I've been chatting with her alot, and she's been really nice, tolerating my curiosity about alot of what she went through, and other stuff.
I was a bit distracted, and have been working on one-shots to kinda get rid of this writer's block, and on a freeware website for my html-class, so you can see how busy i've been. And I'll probably really be working slowly once I get a job, because I'll be juggling work, college, friends, art, fanfiction, and a few radio-plays and critiquing some art on a website that I'm a staff-member of. As you can see, I'm gonna be very busy. And I'm willing to pay the piper, because I'm crazy and stubburn(must be my german blood).
Also, check my music pages out! I'm an artist on mp3.com and acidplanet. Just look for Lonesome Bullfighter, and please don't start running me down if my songs sound awful:)
And I'd like to thank the following people for being so encouraging: Orin, Rock-Chick, Elise Paine, Starlet Angel, BlushBunnyC3(you are a nut-case, girl!), and everyone who read my fics and reviewed. I'm glad so many people like my writing, even if it is super-mushy:)
"They make a cute couple, don't they?"
"You know people will talk, Ebony"
"So? If Super was still around..."
"I'm just saying that, if he were still around, I would definitely go for it"
"Well, I would. Wouldn't you want to be with someone you love more than anything?"
"You're jealous, aren't you?"
"What? Of him? Nah!"
"No, of her"
"Ebony, you're weird"
Well, business in the Groovy-Train is back to normal. Pyjamas is back, and having her visions as usual, but they aren't so annoying anymore. She told me how her step-father used to beat her when bad things happened to him, because he thought that she made them happen, and she would often fake a cough or sneeze when she did have the visions. Now Pyjamas has very poor esp-abilities, because she actually tried to make them go away, just to make herself normal...
And when she had that abortion... those doctors actually threatened her. They threatened to with-hold the pain-killers, or to hurt her really bad... all because she was crying. They told her not to be a baby, and yelled at her. No wonder she dressed and behaved so oddly. I will never be so harsh with her about those visions again, even if they are duds.
Now, it's like she's changed a little. Pyjamas has a husband who loves her, and her 'ex-boyfriend' is paying his dues. And now that Yuki often comes to the Groovy-Train with her, and plays the guitar, business has actually gotten better.
The songs Yuki plays are usually sad, or deep and uplifting, like "My Sacrifice" or "Stand Here With Me"[a/n: by creed], and his voice is so haunting when he sings. I can see it in his eyes... this gentleness and patience... and innocence. Some people think innocence can't be reclaimed once it's lost, but it looks like they're wrong. Sometimes, one just needs to go through some pain and hardship... and then have someone show him kindness, so he can trust again.
It's too bad that not everyone gets the happyness they deserve. Super is still trapped in Sonic, and I hope he doesn't hold it against me... I only did it because I loved him. If they ever get seperated again, I'll make sure I treasure every moment my friend is here, and hopefully, Pyjamas will be able to keep him from going berserk again...
"I don't know about this... I don't want to hurt you, Pyjamas..."
"It's ok, Yuki... it'll only hurt for a little while..."
"I-I know... I... I just..."
"It's ok. We're married... we can take it slowly if you want to..."
"I'm just... nervous..."
"If it hurts too much, I will let you know. Please trust me, Yuki... relax..."
"I... I don't want to hurt you... I heard it hurts the first time..."
"It probably will. Lots of things hurt, like certain memories, but we've both faced them, and they don't hurt anymore..."
It didn't hurt. When we first made love, it didn't hurt at all. When I was 'seeing' Arthur, he was very rough, and it hurt when we slept together. But Yuki is so gentle, and he was so tentative on our wedding-night, afraid of hurting me... maybe it was that and the fact that we were in an unfamilliar area... but the next day, it was like nothing changed, yet something was different, and we could both feel it.
When I first found Yuki, he was suicidal... his mind had been poisoned by the death of his friend, and the cruel treatment by Gerald and the G.U.N. soldiars alike. Now, he's happy, just to sit and read, while enjoying his tea and listening to the radio. It breaks my heart to know that he'll never see with his own eyes again, and I can only give him little glimpses of the world, but he's told me not to cry. He's happy, but I can't help feeling sorry for him, sorry that he had to go through so much pain, even more than I did, and I have been through alot!
And I've forgiven my step-father. I mean, what can I do to punish him? How could I punish him enough? I would never be satisfied, no matter how much I made him hurt, so I've decided to forget about it. My child is in another place, and he isn't alone. Maybe Maria needed someone to keep her company until it's Yuki's time... and besides, my son is with his grandfather... my real father is playing with his grandson, just like he used to play with me.
I wish I could give Yuki a child, but I can't. Even with these 'in-vitro' things, it wouldn't work... I had an infection a few years after the abortion, and the doctor said that it could've been the culprit. They had to perform a hysterectomy, and all my dreams of holding my very own baby, and nursing it, were dashed forever. I was in alot of pain, both physical and emotional, and it was humiliating, because most of the nurses thought i was a tramp or something.
But now, I know what it's like to hold a baby, and feel him nursing from me... there's a smile on his face... even my step-father couldn't keep me from being happy.
It's cold out here... this is my first time visiting the mountains after the ARK incident, and before I fell back down to Mobius, I had never gotten the chance to enjoy anything. Not even the snow, or the wonderful smell of the trees there. I've smelled this 'pine-scent', but none of those artificial smells do the trees justice. And I love touching them. The needles tickle, and feel like quills... and the cones... I must take some home...
Pyjamas said that they make the room smell nice, and they keep for years. I even tried to eat one, only to get a mouthfull of wood. Pyjamas had to explain that we eat the seeds that grow inside the cone, not the cone itself... I was a bit embarrased, but strangely, I just laughed... it wasn't so bad... I had been programmed with all this knowledge, but experiencing it was better than just knowing.
The snow makes crunching sounds under my shoes... and it feels so cold even through my gloves... Pyjamas is teaching me how to make 'snow-balls'... we throw them for fun, and try to hit people with them, but they don't hurt... most people don't mind... and she's told me about this 'yellow snow', which I should avoid at all costs... no need to worry, since I can smell it, and would rather avoid that stuff. I like catching fresh snow as it falls alot better, and feeling it land on my face... it's like Maria's kiss... so gentle and cool... maybe Maria is kissing me, from where she is now.
We aren't using the snowball to throw... Pyjamas is making a 'snow-man'... I think I'll make one too... no... I think I'll make a snow-Maria. She was my first friend, the only one on the station who treated me like a person... my sister... she'll always live in my heart... the G.U.N. can't take her away, and someday, we'll be together again.
I take my gloves off, because I can't see, and I need to be able to feel... it's even colder, but I need to make her face just right... what I can remember of it... My beautiful Maria... it's freezing, my hands are 'numb'... but still I work... I can still feel a little...
Pressure... warmth... gloved-hands are holding mine... it's Pyjamas, she's rubbing my hands to warm them up... kissing them, tucking them under her jacket, under her... shirt... it's ok now, though, because we're married, and we can do that. She laughs and yelps as my cold hands touch her skin...
Then she holds me up against her, kisses me on the mouth... I reach up and feel her face... She's smiling... some people probably think Pyjamas was hit by the 'ugly-stick', but I don't care. She rescued me before I died of exposure... and sustaned me with her love.
I've gotten used to living without my sight. It's scary sometimes, because I don't remember exactly what it was like to see out of my own eyes. Even Maria's face. I've forgotten what she looks like, and can only clearly remember her love...
And sometimes, I still cry for her. I can't seem to totally get over her death... but Pyjamas told me that's normal. It means that I have a heart. It's like my heart breaks open just a little, and it hurts... same thing happens to Pyjamas. Whenever she hears about abortions, or about people being forced to abort their babies, she cries, and sometimes gets very angry, even taking it out on me.
At least we always make up afterward. She said something about 'never letting the sun set on anger'. Her mother and step-father were always fighting, over everything, while her mother only had an occasional quarrel with her real father. I think we've both realized that we don't have to let our parents or others shape us.
It's kinda strange, how I wanted to die, but another part of me did. When I was rescued, I had wished that I had just suffered that pain a little longer, because those first couple months were hell. They were so painful, and monotonous, just being fed, bandaged, fed, and wetting the bed...
But somebody was there, always patient, always giving me this love that I didn't think I deserved. I mean, I did terrible things, tried to kill innocent people by destroying Mobius, but Pyjamas didn't care... she never gave up on me, even when I kept her up all night with my crying... for the first time in so many years, I had someone who was willing to just be there for me.
And I don't need much. I've been given plenty: a home, a warm place to sleep, and I can write. Everyone else wants these luxeries, money, fame, status-symboles... I'm content with what I have, and would rather just sit by the fire and write, while enjoying my tea and listening to the radio... or playing the guitar. I'm a fast learner, or so people say... maybe it's because of the way i was made, spliced and grown in a lab...
Everyone has disavowed knowledge of my former persona, Shadow. He's dead, they say, and in a way it's true. Shadow died. He doesn't exist anymore. I'm Yuki, and I'd rather be blind for the rest of my life, than ever become Shadow again.
Pyjamas... you've done so much for me, when I was helpless, unable to even sit up... you fed me, kept me clean and warm, and gave me contact when I was covered in bandages... you are so kind, holding me when I was crying for someone who died so long ago. You showed me the joy of learning to read and write, and being read to... it was so comforting, when i was still in my bandages, to just rest my head in your arms, and listen to your voice, feel you holding me... I'll never be able to give you back what you gave me, but I can try...
Maria, please don't be angry... I still miss you very much, but I'll meet you someday. I just don't want to die until it's time.
I've found paradise.
What does May find in December?
...Christmas.(got it from a devotional book)
Yes, this is the final chapter, and I may make a sequal, though probably not in first-person for the whole thing. It got pretty tricky at some points, and I had to put it on hold for awhile because of school, and because I was having trouble making a good ending. And the thing is, if you wait a long time to make an ending, and then upload a crappy one, then the readers will not be happy.