DISCLAIMER: Kubo owns this shit. I am not Kubo. Copyright lawyers, piss off.


Ichigo stood battle ready….mask on, bankai active, reitsu surging. Why he could not say. The situation at hand required no such thing.

Where am I? Why is Zangetsu telling me i need to fight? ...the fuck is this?

Rukia and Orihime laid buried in a pile of red velvet cushions and satin veils, entwined and rocking rhythmically against each other's bodies. Their state of undress was visible beneath the transparent coverings draped over them; coverings which concealed less and less as the girls twisted and turned in sensuous delight. The mixed scent of sweet perfumes and conjugal exertions wafted over from their sweaty, squirming forms. Pale skin flushed. Backs arched. Fingers danced across mounds of flesh. Lips locked so tightly that nary a sound could escape; the smothered moans therein only hinted at by the panting of heavy breath and the movement of heaving breasts. Lips parted with a longing gaze, and a single command was spoken:

"…Come play with us Ichigo..."

Wasn't I supposed to be doing something?

The girls approached Ichigo now with sultry grins, the unmistakable scent of their released pleasure growing stronger and stronger as they crawled to the edge of their bed on all fours and stopped just short of where the still battle-ready shinigami was standing. Orihime rose on her knees and pressed her bare body against his, planting tender kisses on his neck. "Take off your mask love," she whispered. "We want to see your handsome face." Ichigo complied without protest.

I'm pretty sure I was supposed to be doing something.

Rukia wrapped herself around his waist and vigorously fondled him through his black robes. "Remove your bankai." she instructed harshly. She wasn't a soft and tender lover; she preferred to take control and she let him know it with her roughness. "It's in the way." Again, Ichigo complied without protest. He stripped off his robe and tossed his sword aside.

Rukia rewarded his obedience with a slap and harsher instruction. "Take it off. All of it," she slapped him again, hard enough to leave a hand-print this time. Orihime soothingly kissed the reddened area, while Rukia continued her abuse. "On the bed idiot." Said idiot was too slow to respond for her liking. "I said on the bed…NOW." Ichigo felt a forceful shove and collapsed into a mess of velvet and satin, Orihime straddled atop him.

I'm definitely sure I was supposed to be…yeah…fuck it. I'm doing this now.

"This is what you've always wanted, isn't it?" The busty schoolgirl nibbled on his ear, and grinded against him "All this time you've just been too shy to ask."

This is it. Finally…

"Kurosaki-kun. Before I do this…there is something I should tell you."

"What's is it, Inoue-san?"

"Shatter, Kyoka Suigetsu"

"No! NO! God damn it, NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ichigo schouted both out of frustration at what wasn't going to happen and realization at what actually had. He was on his back, naked, and completely disarmed. "DICK MOVE AIZEN!"

"That's for fucking up my transcendence you little prick," Aizen swung his sword and delivered the coup-de-grace to Ichigo's manhood. One fluid motion and the deed was done. Ichigo let out a most unmanly yelp of defeat, emasculated and thoroughly humiliated by his foe. Aizen slicked back his hair in a [I'm too cool for you] motion with one hand and flipped Ichigo off with the other. "Bitch…now we're even."

"…unfair…" Ichigo groaned.

"Says the kid who literally just pulled Mugetsu out of his ass," Aizen walked away in an irritated huff . Final Getsuga Tenshou…of all the bullshit. I'm going to troll you till you fucking die.

"Oh My!" Inoue stuttered and blushed furiously at the sight of Ichigo's latest wound. He had warned her only that this one was a 'bit unusual' before suddenly and quite unexpectedly dropping his pants. "T-t-that's…uhhh…that's really something, isn't it?"

"Well…" Ichigo grumbled. "Can you fix it?"

"…Uhhhhh…" too busy staring, Inoue failed to process the question.


"Huh? Oh…right…Sotten Kishun!"




"…So, how did this happen?"

"…Trust me…You don't want to know."




"…So…do you and Rukia ever…do stuff?"

"What…like, go shopping?"

"Never mind…it was a dumb question. Just…fix it."




"Is it always this small?"


"S-s-sorry…I didn't…I mean…I'm sure it's very nice when…"

"Just. Stop. Talking."




"There…all done!"

"Thanks," Ichigo pulled his pants up hastily. "Let's never speak of this again."

"Wait…Kurosaki-kun! There's something I forgot to tell you!"

"Eh? What's that?"




"Shatter, Kyoka Suigetsu"


MORAL OF THE STORY: Aizen owns your soul.