Title: Life on the NEST Base: Stories, Regulations, and "Incidents"
Summary: As compiled by Riella.
Rating: T for safety.
A/N: I've decided to jump on the bandwagon and make my own rule list. This was inspired by Tatyana Witwicky's incredibly funny "Guidelines for Living with Giant Robots". If you haven't read her story, do it - it's a lot better than my attempts! Thank you very much Tatyana for letting me use your idea!
A/N 2014: Due to changes in Riella and Prowl's characters as well as the format I'm using, this has been edited a bit. Nothing too major – most of the rules have been reworded, and now you get some storytelling along with them. Hope you enjoy!
Riella sighed, staring at the datapad in front of her. "Honestly. Prowl, are you sure we need a rule list? Shouldn't most of this be common sense?"
"Evidently not," Prowl said dryly. "If only because you are the reason for half of the technorganic rules."
His bondmate shot him a look, optics narrowing. Prowl sighed and rolled his optics. "You know it's true. And the reason I asked you to write them."
"I hate when you have a point." Riella grimaced and opened the datapad's keyboard. "Fine. Technorganic rules, here I come."
Basic Rules for Technorganics (and a few for everyone else):
1. If you have an organic mode with visible cybernetic components, always, always make sure your holograms are on and working when you go out in public.
- Although I will admit that terrified humans are amusing.
- But the fallout involving the government is not worth it.
- Trust me.
2. Be careful with loose clothing and transformations.
- That's just a general rule for anyone who wears clothing around Transformers, really.
- Our transformation sequence is complicated. Wearing a dress and transforming will result in fabric caught in strange places (Speaking from experience).
- And for the love of Primus, don't leave jackets inside whoever happens to be your guardian.
- Looking at you, Sam.
3. And Autobots, do be aware that humans will disregard the above rule…
- Poor Bumblebee.
- Three hours in the medbay with Ratchet, First Aid, and Hoist attempting to remove various pieces of one of Sam's sweatshirts…
4. Even though it is incredibly tempting, do not use your holograms to disguise your cybernetic parts as anything other than the corresponding human part.
- Making your arms look like Megatron's is an excellent method of testing new recruits.
- Or so I heard…
5. Do not pretend to be mute and use your radio to talk while in organic mode.
- …Not that I've done this.
- Maybe once.
- It was Bumblebee's idea.
6. Don't take offense when humans compare you to Inspector Gadget, Darth Vader, General Grievous, or any other fictional character that has mechanical parts.
- Even though I have no idea where those comparisons come from.
- Do I, in any possible way, look like a 7'2" Dark Lord?
- Sideswipe, if you answer that, I'll put you on monitor duty for a week.
7. Related to the above, when someone asks you what you are, do not use your hologram projector to change your color scheme to red and black and start playing The Imperial March over the radio.
- This is only funny once, and I did it first.
8. When dropped off somewhere by another Autobot, remember to call them when you need a ride back to base. Do not transform to vehicle mode to get home and/or offer to bring someone else home.
- Or at least find a convenient garage.
- The same goes for Autobots in holoform, Jazz.
9. When walking past Red Alert and any other 'bot, do NOT start playing the song "Not One Of Us" from Lion King 2. This actually goes for anyone with a radio, but us technorganics are a bit more vulnerable to "stray" laser fire.
- I honestly didn't mean to do that to Cliffjumper.
- I was aiming for Galloway.
- Cliffjumper is now on Red's Watch List.
- I am now on Cliffjumper's hit list.
- Note to self: Sleep with one optic open.
10. Autobots, if you agreed to play in robot mode, transforming to win the game is cheating.
- Hot Shot.
- It is both unappreciated and unsafe.
11. When someone says, "What the hell are you?" they don't really want to know.
- To be fair, Agent Banachek asked.
- But I suppose the description of how organic and metal works together may have been too much.
12. Monitor your sparkmate's activities when you have been assigned to a dangerous mission.
- This is really more of a life lesson than anything.
- Prowl volunteered for one that I was supposed to take.
- I love you, but really?
- It was my turn…
13. Don't ever say that you have a sister named Alice in front of Sam Witwicky, Mikaela Banes, or Leo Spitz.
- Leo wouldn't come within a mile of me for a week.
- I had to ask Bumblebee to tell him that I was joking.
14. The song "So Bring It On" makes a great theme song for female technorganics, but it gets very old, very fast.
- Jazz bashed his head into a wall.
- I consider it revenge for the incident with "Girl All the Bad Guys Want".
15. When Ironhide wants you for combat training, go with him. Right then. Unless you want to have the combat training in the rec room or wherever you happen to be.
- Believe me.
16. Using your transforming abilities to fool new soldiers into thinking you are two separate people, then scaring them by transforming in front of them is highly frowned upon.
- But Prowl would like me to note that it is not, in fact, forbidden.
- Probably because it was his idea.
17. Speaking of Red Alert, if you have any kind of stealth ability, you are NOT allowed to use it to scare him.
- You idiot.
- I hope a week in the medbay taught you something…
18. Don't ever go to a human doctor, even for human illnesses.
- Hiding your Cybertronian nature is more trouble than it's worth.
- And Ratchet can handle more than you think he can.
19. Never assume that just because you are technorganic, you are immune to human allergic reactions.
- I didn't even know Vulcans could get poison ivy.
- I was proven wrong.
- Do you know how long that lasts? Longer than I wanted it to.
20. Never, never, never drink more than one small cube of high-grade if you know your system will not handle it well.
- The video footage has been destroyed.
- YouTube links are forbidden.
- And don't even think about playing "All I Want Is You" while I am trying to have a serious conversation again.
- I will hurt you.
Riella sighed and leaned over Prowl's shoulder, holding out the datapad for him to see. "What you had in mind?"
"I'm sure it is." Prowl glanced at it briefly. "Thank you. And…thank you for not mentioning my high-grade experiences."
Riella smiled and wrapped her arms around his chest, resting her chin on his shoulder. "I'm not that upset at you. Imagine how the humans would take that particular bit of information."
"I'm trying not to." Prowl winced and leaned his head back against hers. "You and Chromia were bad enough."
His mate snickered. "You proposed to Ironhide. How were we supposed to handle it?"