Long time no update. I know. Sorry, guys. Hope the nice long chapter makes up for it.
393. Swoop is not allowed to give rides!
- No, not even if he's in a good mood.
- "How to Train Your Dinobot" will never be a good idea. Ever.
394. When there is a meeting with the government on base and someone uses the words "friendship", "harmony", or "magic", you are not permitted to play the My Little Pony theme over the base loudspeakers.
- You are also not permitted to sing "So Long and Thanks For All The Fish" as the government agents are leaving in a huff.
- And for Primus's sake don't start singing "We're Off To See The Wizard" while being sent to Optimus's office!
395. My odd tastes in food are none of your business, First Aid.
- Ratchet is used to me by now.
- I happen to think powdered milk tastes good, okay?
- Besides, it's healthy! Ask anyone!
396. Never watch "Being Human" when certain 'bots are in the same room.
- The werewolf-transformation scene horrified Ratchet. (Okay, it disturbed me a little bit too.)
- Red Alert is more paranoid than ever.
- All of my DVDs mysteriously disappeared after Tai, Carly, and I came to the conclusion that Aidan Turner (Mitchell) is amazingly cute.
- We're not sure if we should blame Prowl or Jazz.
397. Never quote "My Little Pony". Especially Pinkie Pie.
(It's a cute show.) (But it really bugs Ironhide, Barricade, and Lennox.)
- "I found her, I found her, I found her, I found her!" (Sheesh!) (I was in the bathroom for two minutes, Sparrow!)
- "NOBODY BREAKS A PINKIE PROMISE!"
- "Oh my gosh, hold onto your hats - I am just about to be BRILLIANT!" (Tai.) (Need I say more?)
- "You're…going…to…LOVE MEEE!"
- "I love it! You'll make a fantastic weirdo clown."
- "BUT THIS IS THE TRADITIONAL ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE! IT IS TRADITION FOR US TO SPEAK USING THE ROYAL 'WE' AND TO USE THIS MUCH VOLUME WHEN ADDRESSING OUR SUBJECTS!" (Chromia.) (That was the only part she liked.) (I almost died laughing when she said that to a newbie NEST member.) (I think he might have needed a new pair of pants.)
398. Life on the base is NOT an episode of "Hogan's Heroes".
- You may not use the water tower or the dog kennels as entrances for secret tunnels.
- In fact, you aren't allowed to dig 'secret' tunnels under the base at all.
- Prowl does not appreciate being called Colonel Klink.
- I do not appreciate being called "Agent Tiger".
- And you may not play the theme song more than twice a day where others can hear you. Neither of those times can be over the PA system.
399. Prowl is not going to dance Gangnam Style, no matter how many times you ask.
- Neither is Ratchet.
400. You are only allowed to quote "The Big Bang Theory" on certain occasions.
- Specifically, if said quote makes a senior officer laugh.
- "I'm sure there are worse ways to spend a Friday night. None come to mind, of course."
- "How do you feel about concealing a recording device in your ample bosom?" (…Yes, Simmons was talking to me…) (Jazz nearly passed out laughing.)
- "We're going to work this situation out like gentlemen. And if that doesn't work, I'm going to poison his tea."
- Prowl: "If he understood that, you're in trouble."
General Morshower: "Are you calling me unevolved?"
Me: "You're in trouble." (If anyone was curious, the original statement came from Ironhide, so not a huge amount of trouble…)
- "It's called Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, and quite frankly you deserve it." (Ratchet.) ("Bedside manner? What's that?")
- "It's pandering, it's undignified, and bite me." (Prowl, I love you.) (Galloway: …"FINE!")
Bumblebee stretched up to fasten the last corner to the bulletin board. "Good?"
Riella tipped her head, studying it. "Hmmm….perfect." She flipped her braid over one shoulder. "I don't see how anyone can possibly miss that, *cough*yourbrothers*cough*."
"Are you okay?" Bumblebee's big blue optics widened in concern. "That cough doesn't sound right."
The femme smiled. "It was fake, that's why. Sarcasm."
Riella shook her head with a laugh. "No reason, I suppose. Just because I could. It's a human thing."
"Needs work." Bumblebee held out a hand. "Wanna go chase down Sam and Leo? They're avoiding Ratchet."
"Sure." Riella climbed into the offered hand and scrambled the rest of the way up to his shoulder. "Why are they hiding?"
Bumblebee shrugged, almost dumping her to the ground.
"Sorry." Bumblebee steadied the femme and continued walking. "Who knows. I suspect complicity in the latest Sides-and-Sunny production."
Less than a minute after they had disappeared into the hall, Sideswipe jogged into the rec room with his own giant sheet of paper. "If rules fix Prowl's processor aches, maybe they'll help mine… aw, man, why is everybody always gone when I come up with a great idea?"
Hey everybody! This is Sideswipe, here with some guidelines that will really be helpful – AKA, How To Be A Successful Prankster. And How Not To Get Busted Every Single Time. Looking right at you, Skids. Pay attention. Memorize them. You're giving pranksters in general a bad name.
Rule Number One: Whenever possible, try to be born into a family with no younger siblings. Why? Because they tattle. If avoiding any younger siblings completely is impossible (your parents may have their own opinions on that subject), then never let them in on any prank that they didn't help set up and actively participate in. They won't tell on themselves, so if they must know about a prank, make sure they help you with everything possible.
Rule Number Two: Know the limits. Most of the time glitching out is funny, like when we told Red Alert that the birds were watching him, or when Prowl just can't fathom how you managed to pull something off. But you can't push it – multiple glitches one right after another can cause a little bit of damage. Not much, but enough that Ratchet will be very, very, very angry at you. Also, never try to make anyone other than Prowl, Red Alert, or sometimes First Aid glitch. They have processing anomalies that cause it – others don't and it can be more serious. We're not out to actually hurt anybody. If you manage to make someone who normally never glitches fall over, RUN LIKE THE PIT and stay away until they're out of the medbay. And if it was Ratchet, Ironhide, Optimus, or Riella, get video footage.
Rule Number Three: Never, ever, ever, ever prank Prowl when the base is on lockdown. As I found out the hard way, he actually can't glitch out while his battle computer is engaged. He can, however, react before thinking about it. Violence and property destruction may ensue before he realizes you are not a Decepticon. It will hurt. Oh, and after the lockdown is over and he's done apologizing for throwing you through two walls and into a tank, he will send you to the brig for, and I quote, "being an utter moron during a potential crisis". Your brothers will find this hilarious.
Rule Number Four: Have you been banned from doing anything that starts with the phrase "Hey guys, watch this"? If so, congratulations! That's a status symbol. It means you've been recognized as a great prankster by everyone on base. But, you ask, won't that cut into my activities? Not at all. Just be creative. I recommend screaming something random right when you want them to look at you. So far, the most effective lines have been "I AM THE MIGHTY THOR" and "THUNDERCATS ARE GO", but everybody's different. Important: Never use "run" or "incoming" as this may result in weapons fire.
Rule Number Five: If possible, always have someone else with you when setting up epic pranks. Why? First, if they are your younger sibling, they can't tell on you if they were helping. Second, if they are your twin, you might get lucky and Prowl will blame them instead of you. Third, you need someone to hold the video camera.
Rule Number Six: Prowl hates the song "Girl All The Bad Guys Want". So does Riella. If you are going to play something over the intercom system, this is your best bet for getting a reaction from them. Just make sure you have a good hiding place and video footage. Other options include "Living With A Hernia" for Ratchet, "Dude Looks Like A Lady" for Bluestreak and Smokescreen (this one is a good way to get revenge if they tattled on you), and "Walking on Sunshine" for Sunstreaker. (If anyone asks, you didn't hear that from me.)
Rule Number Seven: Form your own stockpile of supplies for pranks. Eventually, Prowl will tell everyone you are not allowed to have Silly String, staple guns, and so on, but if you have your own, not much they can do. And Skids, get your own! I'm not lending you mine!
Rule Number Eight: If you must prank Ironhide (Not a good idea, it hurts a lot afterward) make sure to have some kind of time-delay on the prank so you can be off base when it happens. Also, practice running, you will need to. Same goes for Chromia, Ratchet, and occasionally Prime. Important: If you successfully prank Chromia, get video footage!
Rule Number Nine: Steeljaw bites. Never forget that when trying to sneak into Blaster's room.
Rule Number Ten: Always make sure the prank is worth spending time in the brig. If it isn't worth it, make it more epic. For example: Putting a warning sign on Prowl's door that says "Prowl's Happy Place: Enter At Your Own Risk" – not worth it. Wallpapering his entire office with Photoshopped pictures of Megatron and Starscream in compromising positions – totally worth it. Getting video footage of the results – completely priceless.
Rule Number Who Cares, It's Not About Pranks, It's For Sanity Reasons: I don't care what the context was. Never, ever, for any reason, under any circumstances, in any conversation, bring up Prime's butt. It may make even Prowl laugh but the mental images are SO not worth it.
If you follow these simple rules, pranks will be easier and a LOT more fun! Also, Skids, you will spend less time in the medbay and the brig. So pay attention already!