Title: I Still Know What They Parodied Last Summer an MST of I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
Author: sinecure
Summary: An MST-style fic Starring Spike, Willow, Xander, and Buffy. I stuck them in a room, and they can't get out. Wanna know more? Read my first one, I Know What They Parodied Last Summer, and it should clear up some of your confusion... but not much.
Disclaimer: The movie they're riffing on-I Still know What You Did Last Summer-and the shows Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel (in case I mention stuff from there), and Mystery Science Theater 3000, don't belong to me. I'm show-less and movie-less, which probably explains why I'm writing fanfics and parodies of fanfics.
A/N: I sort of liked this movie... well, not much, but all the riffing and jokes and such are done in good faith. Speaking of Faith, this takes place during season 4, sometime in the middle. After Oz leaves, but before Tara comes in. Anya's in it and so is Riley. And that's about it, I think. No time specific.
A/N: This was transcribed by someone else, I found it and decided to use it for my own devious devices, for I am evil. Anyway, I changed no wording or phrasing, fixed no spelling mistakes, or grammatical errors; they all belong to the transcriber. If he/she doesn't like this being used, let me know and I'll beg you lots to let me use it.

Willow frowned at Buffy and Xander. She would've frowned at Spike too, if he'd been asking her the same question over and over again like her friends were. But, being Spike, and not one of the group, he stayed off to the side, apart from them. Since their unwanted incarceration, he'd said no more than ten words to the group as a whole, and none to them as individuals. She was fine with that. The less she talked to him, the less stress she had to deal with.

She couldn't help it, he was a vampire, and he really didn't like her. Any of them, actually, but it seemed he liked her less than the others, which made her nervous and weird around him.

Turning her attention back to Buffy and Xander, she sighed for what seemed like the fiftieth time in ten minutes. "I tried, guys, I tried for hours last night. Nothing happened." They'd been trapped inside this... place, for twenty four hours now, and tempers were strained nearly to the breaking point. Hopefully, nothing would give.

Buffy sighed, impatient with the situation. "I hate being cooped up."

Spike snorted, pushing away from his spot on the wall. "Try being chained up inside a bathtub."

They ignored him, though Willow wanted to apologize for her part in keeping him confined. She didn't, she stayed silent. Spike didn't like sympathy. Or pity.

Or her.

She kept her pity to herself, and shrugged. Looking up at the ceiling, she raised her voice. "I could use some spell books. Or- or spell ingredients. Anything magick-y."

The four of them waited, hoping to see the dark green light that brought their food and scripts, but nothing happened.

"I think it's time to read the script," Xander told them, sitting in his chair in front of the table. He stared at the script, not touching it. "Maybe it'll let us out this time." He shrugged, at a loss. "Can't hurt, can it?"

"Yes," Spike answered, stomping out his cigarette. Nevertheless, he crossed the room and sat in his seat, rubbing his neck in irritation. "Let's just do this. Time seems to go by much faster when we're making fun of people. Always worked for me."

Willow and Buffy shared a look and sat. Like last time, Willow ended up between Xander and Spike. Buffy ended up on Spike's right. "Let's go then."


ALL: (groan)

SPIKE: The first one wasn't bad enough, now we have to read the sequel? Someone has a sense of humor.

XANDER: And it's probably not the writers of this movie.



The setting sun backlights a series of abstract colored images. Holy images of STAINED GLASS and lead.

BUFFY: Stained glass and lead are holy images? I had no idea...

-FOOTSTEPS ECHO across the marble floor. REVEAL - JULIE JAMES

ALL: Noooooooooo!

XANDER: Attack of the Perky Pest!

-A little older,

BUFFY: Naturally.

-a little wiser,

WILLOW: That remains to be seen.

-yet still very pretty, no doubt.

XANDER: ... and beauty is, of course, an integral part of being in a church.

-But she's all alone in the house of the Lord.

ALL: Awww.

SPIKE: Even God has abandoned her.

-And those doleful eyes of hers clearly telegraph a very heavy burden still rests upon her soul.

BUFFY: (as Julie) Woe is me, I killed people and stuff.

-She reluctantly walks past the rows of empty pews toward a curtained CONFESSIONAL BOOTH.

XANDER: (as game show host) Let's see what's behind door number oooooooooooone! Aww, it was the killer, and now Julie's a pile of sushi, tough break kid. The end!


Julie slides the drapes shut behind her as she enters, kneeling before the CLOSED SCREEN. A beat - and the SCREEN SLIDES OPEN.

SPIKE: Is she there to make a confession or give someone a blow-

WILLOW: Confession!

SPIKE: (chuckles)

-A PRIEST enters the adjacent booth - barely visible through the WICKER MESH.

XANDER: (whines) Why is the transcriber yelling at us so much?

-Julie looks down,

BUFFY: (as Julie) Oops, I piddled on the floor.

WILLOW: (laughs) Piddled? She's a puppy?

BUFFY: (shrugs) She's a dog, yes, she's quite the bitch.

-crosses herself, and begins.

BUFFY: (as Julie, sings) Gypsies, tramps and thieves...

XANDER: Nice choice.

BUFFY: That song has been stuck in my head for two days. I now officially dislike Cher... more than I did before, thanks to Kathy.

WILLOW: Did I mention how sorry I am about that?

XANDER: Me too?

BUFFY: (rolls her eyes) Numerous times, guys. It's okay.


Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. (a beat) It's been a year since my last confession...

SPIKE: (as Priest) Slut! Whore! Harlot! Repent! Repent!

WILLOW: (to Spike) Issues?

SPIKE: Not a one.

-Julie swallows hard. This is difficult for her.

XANDER: ...due to the enormous Twinkie in her mouth.

-Julie - (cont'd)

I've never told anyone this. Not my mom, not the poice,

WILLOW: You know, the poice wouldn't have been any help anyway.

BUFFY: Because of how they're typos?

WILLOW: (nods)

-not even my friends - except for the ones who were there and they...well they're not around anymore. You see I...I...

SPIKE: (as Julie)...killed them and boiled their flesh, sucked out their eyeballs, and dined on their entrails... it was fun!


-Priest -


Julie -

I killed a man. Well, I thought I had...then...

XANDER: (as Julie) ...it turns out he wasn't dead, only angry that we'd almost killed him. He then went on a rampage, killing people because of it. It was terrible for me. I had guilt and everything.

-She balks at the memory of it. The priest bows his head in the shadows of the other side.

WILLOW: ...shamed and embarrassed to be in this movie.

-Julie - (cont'd) (emotional)

You've got to understand...It was all an accident. A terrible accident. It's been a whole year. I've tried to get past this, but I just can't.

Priest -

Go on...

BUFFY: (as Priest) ...and kill yourself, we won't mind. In fact, you'd be doing us a favor.

-Julie -

I have these dreams...horrible dreams. And this man is always there with me.

SPIKE: (as Priest) Slut! Whore! Harlot! Repent! Repent!

XANDER: Sure there's no issues?

SPIKE: Positive.

-Priest - (reassuring)

I know...

XANDER: (as Priest) ...that you're annoyingly perky, but don't let it bother you that others hate you. Be you! Be annoying if that's who you are!

WILLOW: (as Julie) Thank you, Father! I'm going to leave and be annoying right now! Yay.

-Julie -

You see, he was a killer. He murdered Helen and Barry, and he would have killed me too, if I hadn't...

BUFFY: (as Julie) ...thrown Helen and Barry in front of him so I could get away.

-gotten away with it. (regathering) I don't know, I guess I just need to deal with the fear, the guilt...to finally say his name. Ben Willis. His name was Ben Willis...

The confession is cathartic for Julie. She looks relieved until,

Priest -

I know...

Julie stops.

BUFFY: ...doing what? Was she doing something?


SPIKE: Unh-uh.

XANDER: Don't think so.

-Looks through the screen. A chill shoots through her body.

SPIKE: ...sending blood spraying everywhere as it tears a basketball-sized hole in her chest, killing her. The end.

WILLOW: Sounds painful.

SPIKE: Hope so.

-Julie -

You know? But how could you...

Clouds of icy steam shoot through the partition.


-Julie moves closer to the screen, trying to get a better look.

XANDER: At the icy steam?

-Priest - (growls)


XANDER: (moans) He's yelling again. I'm scared.

-A STEEL HOOK smashes through the screen right in Julie's face! She SCREAMS!

XANDER: (whines) Make it stop.



SPIKE: Check it out, Witch... a nifty new way to spell 'college'.

WILLOW: (sarcastically) Why thank you, Spike, for pointing that out to me. God forbid I not notice it.

SPIKE: (chuckles) Anytime.

-Still screaming - Julie jumps back, seemingly knocked out of her chair. She fights the unseen demon.

Sitting beside her, Julie's friend WILL BENSON reacts. He's a good-looking kid in a shy, humble kind of way. And he tries to help her, but she's too busy

WILLOW: ...being self-involved.

-turning ten shades of red.

BUFFY: Maroon... mahogany... rose... amber... fuchsia... um...

WILLOW: Blush, plumb, raspberry, cherry, strawberry...

SPIKE: Hungry?

WILLOW: Um, a little. (raises her voice slightly) A strawberry Poptart would be nice. (a box of Poptarts appear in a flash of green light. Xander takes two, Willow and Buffy take one each)

-The PROFESSOR lowers his glasses, makes it even worse.

XANDER: Bad, bad Professor! What were you thinking, lowering your glasses like that? How evil can you be?

BUFFY: (as Professor, in deep voice) For I am The Professor, evil as can be. I lower my glasses to all who oppose me. Tremble at my power, puny mortals, tremble!

-Professor -

Nice to see you find Political Science so stimulating -

The lecture hall erupts with laughter.

BUFFY: I had a professor like that.

WILLOW: You did?

BUFFY: (nods)

-Julie -

I'm sorry -

Julie grabs her stuff and bolts.

XANDER: ...her chair to the floor in order to not fall out of it again.



Julie explodes


-out of the building.

ALL: Oh.

-Hurries down a sidewalk. Will finally catches up.


Julie! Wait! You okay?

Julie -

I'm fine.


You sure?

Julie -

I'm fine.


You don't seem fine.

BUFFY: (as Will) ...in fact, you seem kind of... well, I didn't want to say it, but, you're a little on the cuckoo side.

-Julie realizes this is true.

BUFFY: (laughs)

-Julie -

I had another dream, Will.

WILLOW: (as Will) Well, Julie, like I told you before, everyone has them. You're not special in that regard... or any other really.

XANDER: (as Julie) I had a dream. A dream to become a mime, but after all my friends were slaughtered, they kicked me out, waaah.

-Will takes this seriously.

XANDER: ...but his sarcastic snicker tells a different story.


The shower again?

BUFFY: (as Julie) Yeah, this time the pigs were showering and I was rolling around in the mud. What do you think it means?

XANDER: (as Will) I think it means you're grody.

BUFFY: (as Julie) Oh, okay.

-Julie -

It was in a church...it was so real. I mean, I could feel his breath on me.

SPIKE: Wishful thinking.


(caring) I'm sorry.

XANDER: (as Will) ...that you're such a loser that you have to dream up guys who'll breathe heavily on you.

-Julie -

I thought I was over the dreams for good. I really did. I hadn't had one for months.

Will -

It just takes time, Julie. It's gonna get better.

Julie -

It can't get worse.

WILLOW: (as Julie) ...than being in this movie.

-I mean, it's not like this was the first time I freaked out in class. I hardly ever get a full night's sleep, my grades suck, I'm this close from being thrown out of school.

BUFFY: Welcome to the Whiny Hour, with your host, Julie James.

SPIKE: A subject with which you're very familiar with, Slayer.

BUFFY: (laughs facetiously) Oh, your sarcasm and wit cut me deeply. Idiot.

-BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! EXPLOSIONS. Julie jumps out of her skin.

ALL: Ew.

WILLOW: Put your skin back on, young lady. Are you trying to catch your death of cold?

-It's just STUDENTS letting off FIRECRACKERS as they fly past on bicycles.

Will and Julie are now thinking the same thing.

SPIKE: (as Will) Julie's breasts are so huge.

WILLOW: (as Julie) My breasts are so huge.

-Julie - (cont'd)

It was one year ago...

WILLOW: (as Julie) ...that I got my implants.

-Will -

It's...the anniversary. That's what's going on...

SPIKE: (as Will) ...believe me, your implants are not trying to kill you.

-Take it easy on yourself.

Julie - (weary)

I'm trying. I really am...Sometimes I don't even know why I came up here in the first place.

XANDER: (as Will) To get drunk, do drugs, and party hearty.

BUFFY: (as Julie) oh, right, I forgot.

-Will - (cheering her up)

To get out of Southport?

Julie - (softens)

Right. Now I remember.

He smiles at her. She smiles back.

BUFFY: They do the hokey pokey and turn themselves about, that's what it's all about... yeah!


BUFFY: Just me?


WILLOW: Oh, yeah.

SPIKE: Definitely.

-They stop in front of her apartment building.

Julie - (cont'd)

Are you getting out of town on the fourth?

WILLOW: (as Julie) ...'cause all the students have discussed it and we don't want you around.

-Will -

Nah. I'll probably just be here studying for finals.

XANDER: (as Will, whimpers like a dog) Pity me.

-The joys of summer school... (beat) Are you okay?

BUFFY: (grins, and claps) Random sentences! Look, Willow! Look!

WILLOW: (laughs) I see. I see.

BUFFY: Ahem. Swimming is fun... (beat) Why is your car blue?

WILLOW: The TV is on... (beat) What's your t-shirt say?

XANDER: Um... oh. I like killing vampires... (beat) Are my library books overdue?

XANDER: A moron is sitting beside Willow... (beat) How come I don't have a mug of blood right now? (green light flashed, leaving the usual plain, white mug filled with steaming blood behind)

ALL: ...

WILLOW: That whole random sentencing sucked.

BUFFY: It really did.


SPIKE: (drinks his blood)

-Julie -

I'm okay.

SPIKE: So? Are we supposed to care or something?

WILLOW: Will asked her.

SPIKE: Oh. (pause) Still not caring.

-Will -

Are you sure?

SPIKE: Pretty positive.

-She touches his face affectionately.

Julie -

Thanks for the talk, Will. You're good to me.

WILLOW: (as Julie) ...just like a puppy should be. Sit, boy.

-Will stands there akwardly -

WILLOW: (as Julie, angrily) I said, 'Sit!'.

BUFFY: (as Will) Um... arf?

-Will -

Um...Okay. Bye.

WILLOW: (as Julie, fuming) Get back here, Will. I said, sit! Sit, Will. Sit. (pouts) Will didn't sit. Bad puppy!

XANDER: Wow, Will. Um, was that you, or Julie, getting mad there?

WILLOW: (grins) Julie. I'm thinking of taking Drama this year.

XANDER/BUFFY: (applaud)

SPIKE: (rolls his eyes)

-Will walks away. Julie watches him a beat, then turns down her walk -


SPIKE: ...takes out a gun, spraying everyone with bullets. Blood and guts, even body parts fly every which way, leaving the college campus dripping red with the blood of the not-so innocent.


SPIKE: (finishes draining his mug) This could be fun.


SPIKE: (chuckles to himself)

-steps out of the shadows. Julie practically faints.

XANDER: (as Julie, in a southern drawl) Catch me, Ray, I've suddenly acquired a case of the vapors.

SPIKE/WILLOW: (snicker)

BUFFY: Hey, what's so snicker-worthy? Share.

WILLOW: You don't know what the vapors are?

XANDER: Feeling faint... right?

SPIKE: No, that was just the excuse they used.

WILLOW: It meant the woman had gas.

BUFFY/XANDER: ...oh. (beat) Ewwww!

-Julie -

Oh, my god, Ray. You scared me.

XANDER: (laughs) (as Julie) Scared me so much, you gave me gas.

-Recovering, she hugs Ray, genuinely glad to see him. He's a bit cold.

WILLOW: (as Julie) Brr, Ray, where's your coat?

-Ray -

I got in early. I was excited...

SPIKE: (laughs) So, what, he just started undressing himself right there?

BUFFY: (as Julie) Well, my room has a bed, let's make whoopee!

-(re: the receding Will) Who was that guy?

SPIKE: (as Ray) Think he'd sleep with me?

-Julie -

Oh, that's Will. He's a friend. You'd like him.

SPIKE: (as Ray) I already do, let's ask him to join us.

-Ray -


Julie -

Ray, we're just friend.

WILLOW: Oh, no. No. It's a one-time thing, right? Everybody makes at least one mistake, sometimes two... doesn't mean they're going to misspell every other word, and suddenly start losing commas, and periods, and apostrophes. Right?

SPIKE: (laughs) Mental re-writes not working again?

WILLOW: (miserably) It caught me off-guard. I wasn't ready for it.

-Ray -

Every guy in history who tried to pick up a girl did the good-friend thing first.

XANDER: That never really works.

-Julie -

Why are you being like this?

BUFFY: (as Ray) Like what? Oh, you mean why am I being stupid? (chiding) Honey! You know I'm always like that!

-It should be obvious Ray feels insecure in the college environs, but they're miscommunicating.

Ray -

Hey, I'm sorry. You're right. Are you ready to go? I've got the old truck. You know the drill...Crab boil at Ollie's. Croaker Queen Pageant...It's only small-town fun, but it's still nice.

XANDER: (as Ray) You know, if you're into that whole fish-smell thing. And crabs. Let's not even go there. But, come on, let's have fun!

-People really miss you. I miss you.

She looks at Ray, his compassionate demeanor. This is hard to say -

WILLOW: (as Julie) ...Ray... you're really, really ugly. Maybe you should consider plastic surgery.

-Julie - (softly, but resolved)

Ray, I can't...

BUFFY: (as Julie) ...have sex with you ever again. You stink of fish and I'm now into girls anyway, so bye!

-Ray -

Can't what?

BUFFY: (as Julie) Have sex. Hello! Were you not listening to my stirring speech?


-Julie -

I just feel like some part of me hasn't healed up enough to go back.

SPIKE: (as Julie) ...like this huge, gaping hole in my side.

-Like some critical piece is missing.

SPIKE: (as Julie) ... it could be my kidney, someone removed that one night when I got really drunk, but...

-Please understand...

Ray is cold.

WILLOW: (as Ray) I am cold.

XANDER: (as Ray) Brr.

-This is what he's expected all along.

SPIKE: (as Ray) Slut! Whore! Harlot! Repent! Repent!

-Ray -

I understand something.

BUFFY: (as Julie, claps her hands) Oh, my, God, Ray! You understood something? I'm so proud of you.

-Julie -

It's not like that. It's not you. It's me. My head. I want to go back. I want to be with you. I want to be fine. I want everything to be like it used to be. (beat) It just isn't.

BUFFY: Welcome back to the Whiny Hour, with your host Julie James, today we're discussing the whiny-ness that is Julie.

SPIKE: Again, you're-

BUFFY: Again, you should shut up.

-Ray is hurt and confused.

XANDER: (as Ray) Ow, my foot. Where am I?

-Julie - (cont'd)

Hey, why don't you stay up here?

XANDER: (as Ray) Up here on the steps? I'm confused.

-They have fireworks over the river. And...there's a million things to do.

XANDER: (as Ray) ...on the steps?

-Ray -

I have to work, Julie. My boat's in Southport, remember? But, I get it. You need your space from Craokerland.

WILLOW: (whimpers)

BUFFY: Breathe, Will, breathe.

WILLOW: I'm trying...

-And maybe from me, too.

Ray starts walking away.

Ray - (cont'd)

You know where to find me.

SPIKE: (as Ray) I'll be at the whorehouse as usual.

-Julie -

Ray? Ray? At least come up for a while.

Ray keeps on walking.

Ray -

It's okay. I'm just gonna go.

XANDER: (as Ray) ...eat a peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwich, maybe toss a piece of cheese on there... and a few slices of ham or something. And a slice of tomato. I wonder if I have any lettuce left...

WILLOW: Mmm, that sounds good.

BUFFY: Yeah, it does.

SPIKE: (shudders) And you all think my food is disgusting?

-Julie follows him out to the road. A group of LAUGHING STUDENTS block her way.

XANDER: (as Julie) Excuse me, LAUGHING STUDENTS, get out of my way.

-Julie -

Ray, I'm sorry. I didn't mean...

WILLOW: (as Julie) ...to laugh at you for wearing women's underwear.

-(to herself) I'm just scared...that's all.

WILLOW: (as Julie) ...scared that you look better in them than I do.

-But Ray is already gone. Julie stares after him a beat, then turns quickly to her door. She clearly feels uncomfortable, exposed on the walk alone.

WILLOW: (as Julie) Ack! People can see me.

-She nervously pulls her keys. A can of mace dangles from the keychain.



Students throw FRISBEE in the street.

SPIKE: (as student) Here, Frisbee, here, boy!

XANDER: (makes car crash noises) Frisbee, no!

-Ray walks to his old truck, which is wedged between a new Sport Utility and a BMW.

He clambers into the front seat.

BUFFY: Oh, what, he couldn't just climb in like the rest of us? He's so special?

-He thinks.

SPIKE: (snorts) Since when?

-Then, digs into his pocket and pulls out the unmistakable shape of an ENGAGEMENT RING BOX.

XANDER: (moans) Make it stop. I can't take the yelling much longer.

WILLOW: (as Ray) I love you, Engagement Ring Box, you're my only friend now.

-He throws it in the glove box,

WILLOW: (as Ray) But ours is a forbidden love, so you must live in the glove box from now on. (sniffs) You'll like it there, little Ring Box... it's your old friend Glove Box. (sniffs) Don't cry little Ring Box, I still love you, we just can't be together anymore, and-


WILLOW: (clears her throat) And I'm done.

-starts the truck and drives away.



Julie opens the door and steps inside. She locks three deadbolts. She stands there, alone, listening to the SILENCE.

BUFFY: Julie, I-

WILLOW: (as Julie) Shh! I'm listening to the silence.

-She doesn't even have a cat. A faucet DRIPS in the kitchen.

ALL: O_O (then) ...okay.

WILLOW: Random sentences again. Shall we?

BUFFY: (practically bounces in her seat) Yes!

WILLOW: She doesn't even like juice. Her car is dirty.

SPIKE: She doesn't even eat salad. Snow falls outside.

XANDER: She doesn't even want children. A bird chirps.

BUFFY: She doesn't even read. Her blanket is folded. (beat) Yay!

SPIKE: (to Buffy) You really are an idiot, you know that?

WILLOW: (to Spike) Hey! Leave her alone... she has her own fun.

SPIKE: (rolls his eyes)


The faucet DRIPS. Julie turns the handle. No success. She checks the lock on each window.

XANDER: (as Julie) Unh! Why isn't this lock on the window shutting off the water? Stupid thing.

-She stands for a moment.

WILLOW: ...then does a striptease for the pigeons on the window ledge.

-She picks up a bag of chips and eats a handful. She opens the fridge and takes out a can of nacho cheese sauce. She grabs a soft drink and a jar of bread-and-butter pickles. She gets some cookies from a shelf. She thinks. Opens the freezer, pulls out some fat-free sorbet.


XANDER: (in awe) She may actually eat more than I do... I wanna marry her!

BUFFY: Wait... I don't remember her doing that.

SPIKE: You actually paid money to see this movie? That's sad.

BUFFY: Shut-

SPIKE: (dismissively) Yeah, yeah.

-She takes the whole mess toward her bedroom.

SPIKE: ...for some kinky fun. Just her, the bed, and lots of food.

OTHERS: (halfheartedly) Ew.


She hits the light switch.

BUFFY: I did that once. Broke the dang thing.

XANDER: You're like Bullwinkle.

BUFFY: (faking excitement) Yeah! I'm just like Bullwinkle! (glares at Xander) You calling me a moose?

XANDER: Uh... no?

WILLOW: (intervening) He's saying you don't know your own strength.

XANDER: (points at Willow) Exactly.

SPIKE: (rolls his eyes)

-A bedside light goes on. It's a sparsely furnished room. The bed is pilled high with pillows.

BUFFY: (laughs) I want my bed pilled high with pillows too!

WILLOW: (whimpers) It's happening with more and more frequency... I'm getting scared.

-She checks the windows, then climbs into bed with the food.

SPIKE: ...to start a night of kinky fun. She gets naked, then starts with the cheese sauce, pouring it over-

XANDER: Dude! We're not going there, we're not- we're just... not. Okay?

SPIKE: (shrugs) Have I called you a prude lately?

XANDER: (shakes his head) Nope, not within the last hour or two.

SPIKE: Ah, sorry about that. Prude.

XANDER: Thank you.

SPIKE: No problem.

-On the bedside table are pictures of family and friends.

BUFFY: I only remember seeing one big picture of Helen. That's all. Nothing else. Helen, apparently, was the only important friend.

OTHERS: (scoff loudly)

-She looks at one of Helen and Barry. She looks around the room. It's depressing.

WILLOW: ...the filthy green walls have mud and food stuck to them, the floor is in marginally better shape, with piles of junk rather than the entire surface being covered.

-Outside we hear young people having fun, slamming car doors, going places. She picks at the food, then puts it on the table. She turns off the bedside light and enjoys the golden late afternoon glow in the room.

ALL: Awww.


WILLOW: (twitches) No...

XANDER: (pats her leg comfortingly) It's okay, Will, just fix it. Come on, you can do it.

BUFFY: (to Xander) She's not a dog, Xander. Breathe, Will.

SPIKE: (rolls his eyes, nudges Willow) Hey, snap out of it!

WILLOW: I'm good. I'm... okay.

SPIKE: (sighs) Good to hear it. Can we get on with this?


Julie, sound asleep, is curled into fetal position on the bed.

WILLOW: (sighs) Fix it... fix it. All better.

SPIKE: (snickers)

-There's a CLICK in the front hall. And ANOTHER.

Julie's eyes shoot open.

SPIKE: ...severing her eyelids, and killing her instantly. The end.

-She listens. Another SOUND, almost like the front door being CLOSED.

WILLOW: (gasps) No! Not being... CLOSED! Say it isn't so.

-Her arm reaches for the bedside light.

XANDER: ...while the rest of her runs off into the night.

-She hits the switch. The bulb POPS.

BUFFY: See? I'm not the only one.

-Julie - (whispers)

Okay. Okay. Face your fears...

BUFFY: She didn't say that.

OTHERS: (getting annoyed)

-She gets off the bed and stands still.

Julie - (cont'd) (whisper)

There's nothing...

There's another NOISE down the hall.

Julie - (cont'd) (whisper)


BUFFY: She didn't say anything during this part in the movie.

OTHERS: Shut up!

BUFFY: (offended) Fine. Geez... you don't have to bite my head off.

-Julie silently scoots out of her bedroom toward the kitchen.

SPIKE: Doin' the boot-scootin' boogie.

XANDER: (bursts out laughing) Oh, my, God. Country and Spike so do not go together. I think I'm scared now.

BUFFY: (laughing) Never figured you for a country-loving vampire. Should we get you a pick-em-up truck?

WILLOW: (laughing too hard to speak)

SPIKE: (snarls at them) Ha ha, funny. I heard the damn thing in a bar, okay? Get over it.


She gets a large KNIFE.

XANDER: She then gets a piece of BREAD, and a TUB OF BUTTER. Taking the large KNIFE, she scoops out some BUTTER from the TUB OF BUTTER, and spreads it on the piece of BREAD with her large KNIFE.


BUFFY: Well done.

-She listens. It sounds like somone's in the living room. She steps through the kitchen door.

WILLOW: (gasps, pointedly ignoring the typo) It's magick! She can walk through solid objects.

SPIKE: Or... she opened it.

OTHERS: (chuckle)

-As she moves we see a shadow pass the other way down the hallway toward her bedroom.


There's NO ONE there.

SPIKE: (shocked) Oh, my GOD! No one's there. Call the police!

-Julie - (cont'd)

Okay, calm down, imagination.

She relaxes until she sees that her front door is slightly AJAR, light from the hallway slanting through.

Julie - (cont'd)

I can't take this anymore. I can't.

Holding the knife in front of her,

BUFFY: ...she stabs herself in the heart a thousand times, falls to the floor, and slowly bleeds to death.


BUFFY: (shrugs) Hey, she started it by letting Helen get killed. And, also, she has Ray. I want a Ray too.

WILLOW: You have a Ray. His name is Riley.

BUFFY: Yeah, but he's no Freddie Prinze Jr.

-she tiptoes to the hallway. There's a soft RUSTLING coning

WILLOW: (softly, to herself) Ignore it, and it'll go away.

SPIKE: (laughs) Works for children everywhere.

-from her bedroom. She gets a flashlight out of a drawer and starts down the hallway.

Julie - (cont'd)(fatalistic)

Let's just do it.

XANDER: (as Julie) ...let's just fix this light bulb and get it over with.

-She moves faster toward her bedroom. she listens outside the doorway. It sounds like someone's in the closet. She moves into the room.


There's a noise in the darkened closet. Julie moves into position.

She turns the flashlight ON and lunges for the closet.

WILLOW: Die, closet, die!


KARLA WILSON, 19, all grace and attitude, is on tiptoes reaching for a box of shoes. She SCREAMS.

WILLOW: (as Karla) AHHHHH!


BUFFY: (as Julie) AHHHHH!

-They both SCREAM together.


XANDER: (covers his ears) Not so high-pitched next time.

SPIKE: Christ! Remember the overly-sensitive hearing here?

WILLOW: Oops. Sorry.

BUFFY: ...not so sorry.

-Julie drops the knife and flashlight.

Karla -

I thought you were out of town!

Julie -

What are you doing in my closet?

They hug, jumping up and down with relief.

XANDER: (as Julie) Yay, I almost killed you! That was fun!

-Karla -

I thought you were out of town!

Julie -

What are you doing in my closet?

BUFFY: They're stuck...

-Karla -

I just wanted your black pants, but I'm not ready to die for them!

WILLOW: (as Julie) Well, too bad... no one touches my clothes and lives! Die, Karla, die!

-Julie turns on the light in the hallway. Karla has her shoes in her hand and black pants draped over her arm.

Julie -

That was heart attack time, Karla.

SPIKE: (as Karla) Then why aren't you dead? Die, Julie, die!

BUFFY: Geez, you two.

-Karla -

No. When I put these skinny pants on my body...Now, that's heart attack time.

XANDER: Must be some seriously tight pants.

-Karla looks down and sees the knife. She picks it up with two

fingers -

SPIKE: ...then plunges it into Julie's chest, thereby ending this script.

Karla - (cont'd)

And we're going to put away the utensils and you're coming with me.

SPIKE: Damn.

-Julie flops down on her bed.

Julie -

I'm not going anywhere. I'm fat, ugly, and depressed.


SPIKE: How is she fat again?

WILLOW: In the way that she weighs half a pound more than Kate Moss.

SPIKE: Ah. And how is she ugly?

WILLOW: I don't know... must be those overly large breasts that are always about ready to bust out of her low-cut tops.


XANDER: That's hideous... she should be euthanized.

-Karla -

Yeah, right - whatever.

Julie -

I think I just really hurt Ray's feelings.

BUFFY: (as Karla) Yes, that's what's important, not that you almost just killed me.

-Karla - (keeping it upbeat)

Listen to me, Julie. Ray's a great guy, nothing against old Ray, but he's so...

SPIKE: Boring?

WILLOW: Stupid?

XANDER: Easily confused?

BUFFY: Simple-minded?


ALL: Ohhhhh.

-I mean, he lives in Southport. Will's a nice guy, too, and he lives right down the street.

Karla picks up the flashlight and goes into the closet.

Julie -

There's nothing between Will and me.

Karla - (V.O.)

Yet. Nothing yet.

She emerges with clothes for Julie. Holds up one outfit.

Karla - (cont'd)

What we gotta do is keep moving. No time to mope. I'm working at the club tonight. And you, dancing queen, are coming with me.

XANDER: (singing) Dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeeeeeen, oh, yeaaaah.

SPIKE: (snorts) And you have the nerve to make fun of me?

BUFFY: (looking at Xander oddly) Yeah. What were we thinking?

WILLOW: Xander, that was just... (shudders)

-Julie -

No I'm not.

Karla holds up another dress for Julie - strapless, sexy, the one.

XANDER: (to the dress) You are The One, Strapless Sexy Dress, the one who'll lead us in our fight against the Matrix. Here, have a cookie, watch some bald-headed kids bend spoons and stuff.

-Karla -

Fine, then be fat, ugly, and depressed.

Karla is dancing around. Julie laughs at her friend and takes the dress when Karla hands it to her.

BUFFY: (as Julie, laughing) You remind me of my old roommate, Deb, she used to ridicule me too. I miss that... make fun of me some more please.



It's a hopping college joint: crowded, loud MUSIC, a dance floor, and rivers of cheap booze.

SPIKE: Damn, why can't I ever find a place like that? I love cheap booze.


Julie sits next to Karla as she waits for her drink order.

A handsome young man slides in front of them. This is TYRELL MARTIN, 23, handsome, no pretention, a little dangerous, with a killer smile.

Tyrell -

You know what I want to do to you ...right now, don't you?

XANDER: (as Tyrell) I want you to... make me a sandwich. Cucumber please.

-There's gotta be somewhere we can be alone.

Karla - (playful)

I don't think so. It's pretty crowded.

Tyrell -

Just for a minute, baby. I got something I wanna tell you.

BUFFY: (as Tyrell) You've got something in your teeth, baby... and it's really turning me on.

OTHERS: Ewwww.

-He's looking for a dark corner or a storeroom or something.

Karla - (teasing)

If you can say all you gotta say in a minute then I don't wanna hear it.

Tyrell -

I'll talk real slow.

WILLOW: Like a sleepy two-year old.

-He's kissing her ear. She starts to giggle.

XANDER: ...but then stops, realizing she's encouraging him. (As Karla) Bad, Ty, bad. Stop it.

-The bartender sets down drinks on Karla's tray.

BUFFY: (as Karla) Excuse me? Do I look like a waitress to you?

WILLOW: (as bartender) Yes.

BUFFY: (as Karla) Oh, yeah. (laughs) I'm silly.

-Karla - (re: Julie)

Ask her to dance.

Tyrell hesitates.

SPIKE: (as Tyrell) Heck no, she's fat, ugly, and depressed.

-Karla - (cont'd)

Go on.

SPIKE: (as Tyrell) I said, no. She's fat, ugly, and depressed.

-Karla cuts away through the crowd, delivering drinks. Tyrell turns to Julie.

Tyrell -

You're the most beautiful woman in the bar tonight, Jules.

SPIKE: (as Tyrell) Aside from that fat, ugly, and depressed thing you got goin' on.

WILLOW: (as Julie, exceedingly perky) Thanks, Tyrell!

-Julie -

Tyrell, you are an unstoppable force of nature.

XANDER: (as Julie) You're just a big, ole... tornado. No, no, a hurricane... no. No, definitely an avalanche... wait, um, a thunderstorm? No, how about a dust storm? Tidal wave?

WILLOW: (as Tyrell) ... thanks, Jules, you are just...

XANDER: (as Julie) Cool? Neat? Awesome? Sweet?

WILLOW: (as Tyrell) Uh... yes. All of those. You definitely are all of that and more.

BUFFY: You two are extremely weird.


-Tyrell -

That's right. It's how the species survives. You'll never convince me otherwise. (beat) Wanna dance?

SPIKE: (as Julie) With you? Hell no. I'm a perfect goddess. You... well, you aren't fit to lick the bottom of my perfect, perky boots. Now go away.

-Karla passes by -

Karla -

Say yes.

Julie -


Karla -

No means yes.

WILLOW: (angrily) No does not mean yes. Ever. If she said no, she meant no. (To Buffy) How can a woman say something like that?

BUFFY: Don't know, Will.

WILLOW: Obviously this was written by a man.


XANDER: (nervously) please don't hit us.

-Julie -

Tyrell, I appreciate it, but have you seen my people dance? We make the mouth face, we move the fingers -

SPIKE: Her people? Who are her people? The Perky Pests of Persia?

-Tyrell - (heading for the floor)

Worse comes to worse, you can stand there and watch me.

WILLOW: Like we do when Xander dances.

BUFFY: (sniggers)


-Karla -

Come on, I'll take a break and we'll all dance.

SPIKE: Once out there, Julie and Karla are all over each other, leaving Tyrell to stand there alone, wondering how he could've missed it. They weren't just friends, they were... best friends!

XANDER: (laughs)


is packed and thumping. Karla is dancing her way through the crowd. Tyrell and Julie follow behind her.

Karla sees Will. He's dressed up and nervous. She smiles.

BUFFY: ...enjoying his nervousness. She loves making people suffer.

-Karla - (cont'd)

Whaddayou know?

XANDER: (as Will) Not a whole lot. Why? Is there gonna be a test?

-Will Benson lookin' fine.

BUFFY: He looks small and almost insignificant?

WILLOW: I think it means he looks small, and powdery.

XANDER: I think it means he's not rainy or cloudy.

SPIKE: Maybe he looks okay?

-Julie - (suspicious, but having fun)

Karla! Did you tell him I'd be here?

Karla -

Nope. I told him that you absolutely, positively would not be here at this bar between ten o'clock and eleven o'clock tonight. And then he came anyway.

SPIKE: Ew, right there on the floor? Yuck.

WILLOW: (shakes her head) You're bound and determined to drag us down into the filth, aren't you?

SPIKE: (grins) The thought never crossed my mind.

-Will - (shy to a fault)

This was not my idea.

Julie -


Will -

I said, this...Do you want a drink?

BUFFY: That's not what he said.

-Will looks down at his feet. He and Julie stand there not quite knowing what to do.

WILLOW: (as Will) I have nice shoes.

XANDER: (as Julie) Yep. Nice. Nice shoes.

WILLOW: (as Will) They, um... they have brown laces.

XANDER: (as Julie) Yes, brown, I see that. Brown... ahem... laces.

WILLOW: (as Will) So, I'll see you around.

XANDER: (as Julie) Yep. Bye.

-Tyrell -

Where I come from, you want to snatch the goodies, you got to at least talk to them first.

SPIKE: I like this guy.

BUFFY: You would.

-Tyrell and Karla go for it on the dance floor, leaving Will and Julie alone. They look at each other. They look at everyone dancing.

WILLOW: (as Will) Oh, you're still here?

XANDER: (as Julie) Uh-huh. You?

WILLOW: (as Will) Yeah...

-Will -

How about a drink?

Will is a few steps ahead as they move for the bar. Julie seems to be relaxing, having a good time. Then, she looks up into the balcony and sees, in a strobe light's FLASH -

BUFFY: ... a giant man-eating plant, heading straight for the bar. Realizing what might happen if the plant gets drunk, Julie makes a split second decision. She flops on the floor in front of it, tripping the plant, and sending it flying through the air to land in a heap behind the bar. With the booze. (As Julie) Oh, no, what have I done?

WILLOW: Um, that was a neat story, Buffy. Did you just make that up just now?

BUFFY: (proudly) Uh-huh!

XANDER: Wow. That was... cool.

SPIKE: (rolls his eyes) Please. It sucked beyond belief.


watching her intently. She squints for a better look, but he's gone.

Will - (yelling over the din)

You okay?

She's chalk white and crestfallen. Her whole affect is "Will I ever have a normal time?"


BUFFY: Unh-huh.

XANDER: I don't think so.

SPIKE: Probably not.

-She drifts amay toward the stairs to the balcony.

WILLOW: Okay! Time for a break.

XANDER: Now? But there's no reason-


BUFFY: But, it was just getting interesting.


SPIKE: (laughs) She's in Misspell Hell again.

XANDER/BUFFY: (look closer at the script) Ohhhhh.