"Dean? Don't you think you should come in?"
I ignored Sam's question and continued to stare off into space. It was late, really late and I needed to try to get at least a little bit of sleep. I could barely even remember the last time I had gotten a decent night's sleep. Felt like a lifetime ago. Maybe two. With every blow that kept coming it got harder and harder to go to sleep a night. Some nights I just gave up on it completely. I'd just sit out and drink, trying to kill my racing mind with booze so I wouldn't have to think anymore. It hadn't worked yet but I was determined to make it do so. Anything would be better than constantly dealing with everything on my mind.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
I shook my head curtly. I knew that wasn't going to make Sam happy at all. He had always said that I bottled way too many things up and here I was, doing it yet again. I couldn't help it though. It wasn't like talking about it all was going to really make it better. It couldn't do what I wanted to do right now. What I felt like I needed to do.
"I miss him too you know."
I nearly dropped my beer as my head snapped in Sam's direction. "What?"
He sighed and gave me an exasperated look for trying to play dumb. "Cas. I miss him too."
I didn't say anything to that. What could I say? Admitting that he was right in what I was thinking about tonight wasn't actually going to do anything. It wouldn't change the fact that Cas was gone and we couldn't do anything about it. He was gone. Fucking gone. And I felt like I should have been able to do more about it. I had pleaded with him not to take the souls from purgatory, but I should have done more. My pleading had done not a single fucking thing. He had gone through with his insane plan anyway and it ended up costing him his own life. The Leviathan had taken him over and was now running loose and we had no idea how to stop it. We were trying our best but we needed help. We needed Cas. Unfortunately though, not only was he gone, but he was responsible for this mess. Not a whole lot of comfort there.
It didn't feel real that he was gone. I had once said long ago angels didn't exist but I was proven completely wrong about that. Pretty much all of them turned out to be dicks of course, but Cas had been the exception. He went above and beyond the call of duty for us, rebelled against Heaven and became our friend...all until he got desperate and fucked up. Instead of coming to us he went to Crowley and went through with that fucking Purgatory plan. And it hurt, not only because he was gone now but because he hadn't come to us for help. I don't know what the hell we would have done but we would have come up with something. Something much better than that. Something that would have kept him alive.
"You can talk about it you know." There was Sam yet again, not willing to just let this subject go. He was like a dog with a freaking bone or something. "It won't hurt."
"No." I didn't want to talk about this. At all.
"I said no." My voice got a lot colder as I repeated myself. "Drop it."
"I said drop it."
He sighed in defeat and reluctantly went back into our hotel room. That left me alone out on the little balcony we had this time around and I leaned slightly back in my chair, propping my feet up on the railing. Now instead of Sam trying to get me to talk about my feelings I had nothing to do but think…shit. I shouldn't have let him go back inside. I quickly drank more of my beer, hoping to offset the heavy thoughts that were trying to race in. I was completely unsuccessful with those efforts though. They came rushing in and I was completely powerless to stop them.
"Why are we here?" Cas asked as he followed me and Sam into the bar. "I thought we were going to discuss Crowley."
"We are," Sam assured him as we sat down at the table that was in the furthest corner of the room. "But we gotta scope this place out too." A series of murders with the victims' heart being torn out had plagued the area and all of the victims had last been seen at this bar.
"And get something to eat," I added, scoping the place out as Sam and I sat down across from Cas. "And lots of beer. I can't talk unless we have lots of beer."
Cas stared at me incredulously and shook his head. "I thought finding Crowley was important to you."
"It is. But satisfying some other needs are too." I put my hand up to stop any further objections as I tried to get the attention of the cute little waitress that was on the other side of the room. Unfortunately, she wasn't the one that came over to our table. We ended up getting a young black guy that was wearing a snakeskin vest with no shirt on underneath and a pair of the tightest and shortest shorts I had ever seen in my life.
"Can I get you boys anything?" He eyed me in particular and I suddenly felt like a piece of meat up on display.
"Umm…just some beers," Sam said with shrug. I quickly elbowed him and he glared at me before adding to the order. "And like a big basket of French fries if you could."
"Anything for you sweetie." He looked at Cas, who was staring at him with a puzzled look on his face and he smirked and swiped his finger across his chin before going off to get us our order.
"I think he liked us," Cas said, pointing out the obvious.
"You think?" I shook my head. "Couldn't get any more stereotypical gay if he tried."
"I don't know," Sam said slowly. "I think if his voice had been an even higher pitch it would have added to it."
"I agree with Dean," Cas stated. "He was very cheerful."
"What?" Sam and I both looked at him in confusion until I realized what he was going on about. "Cas no. I didn't mean gay as in happy. I meant gay as in homosexual."
"Oh." He glanced around the bar before looking back at us. "I believe we are surrounded by them then."
I took a good look around and realized he was right. "Holy crap!" There were mostly guy couples everywhere though there were a few lesbians as well. And these weren't your gorgeous L Word lesbians either. These were the ones that looked like they could kick MY ass. "Did we walk into a gay bar?"
"That or a bar having a gay night." Sam pointed to the Pride Week banner we had missed earlier.
"Hooooly crap." I pinched the bridge of my nose and just shook my head. "Well don't we stick out like a bunch of sore thumbs."
"Not necessarily." Before I could even blink Cas leaned across the table and planted a kiss right on my lips. I was so shocked I just sat there dumbly for a moment before shooting back so fast I nearly fell out of my seat.
"Whoa! Whoa whoa whoa!" I put my hand up to my lips and stared at him like he had lost his mind. "Cas what the hell?"
"You said we were sticking out," Cas said, looking baffled that I had reacted like that.
"So I was trying to remain inconspicuous."
"By kissing me?"
"Yes. We are in a homosexual establishment and they weren't looking at us until you started yelling."
I could only stare at him in astonishment while Sam just about pissed himself laughing.
I chuckled lightly and finished the rest of my beer. It was the last one and I thought about leaving to go pick up some more. I ended up staying put though, just staring off into space. When I really thought back to that particular night, I could still feel Cas' lips on mine. I had freaked at the time but now it just made me miss him more. He had such a blunt way of doing things sometimes that it always amazed me and Sam. He really never got the references we made in front of him and when he tried to do stuff to fit in with the rest of us it was done so bluntly and innocently that even if I was exasperated or weirded out at the time, I found myself missing it all like crazy.
"You finding anything?" Sam asked as he glanced over at me. He was sitting at the table with his laptop while I was on my bed with a big pile of books that I was pretending to look through as opposed to what I was really doing, which was watching American Psycho with Cas. He was sitting on the other bed, staring at the TV in complete fascination. On the one hand I wasn't sure if this was really the greatest movie for him to be watching since he was staring at Christian Bale in an entirely creepy way but on the other, it was better and less awkward than him trying to watch porn with us.
"Uh…yeah," I said, nodding along as I watched Jared Leto get an axe right to the skull. "Yeah. I found lots of fucked up shit."
Sam took a look at the TV and sighed in exasperation. "Why did he just kill that guy?"
"He had the best business card and could get reservations at the Dorsia," Cas answered. "The assbutt had to be smited."
I chuckled while Sam rolled his eyes. "You're supposed to be helping me research here," he reminded me.
"But this is more interesting," I replied. "This movie is delightfully fucked up."
Sam snorted. "You think this is bad? Try reading the book. He puts a rat in this girl's vagina and saws her in half with a chainsaw."
My eyes widened and I looked at him in shock. "Are you serious?"
Cas looked at Sam as well, though his expression was a lot more deadpan than mine. "You're a fucking ugly bitch. I want to stab you to death, and then play around in your blood."
"…What?" Sam actually looked kind of scared by that statement.
I slowly shook my head. Cas had clearly picked up on all the things nobody in the movie caught Patrick Bateman saying and I was guessing that was his test to see if that held true for him as well. "Cas?"
"Don't quote the movie, okay?"
I started to chuckle a bit as I remembered the way Sam jumped every time Cas appeared the next couple of weeks after that. The chuckle eventually died though and I buried my face in my hands, taking deep breaths and fighting the burning tears that wanted to fall. I wasn't going to let myself cry. What good what it do? It wasn't going to bring Cas back. I continued to sit there for a minute before getting up and going back into the room, grabbing the keys to the Impala and taking off without daring to look at Sam. I couldn't keep thinking like this. I needed to get myself some proper alcohol and learn how to forget properly. Anything to make this pain stop.